Boy, do I need some advice.

As briefly as possible, I'll try to explain my situation.

I will be returning to my home in Arizona after 2 1/2 years in Germany and periodic visits home to be with my family ... and to spend time with my two grandkids -- Alix, 11 year old granddaughter and Cody, soon to be 10 year old grandson. I've missed them terribly ... leaving them really did break my heart (which God so graciously healed) and I long to spend time with them.

I no longer work full-time in an office setting but I am a freelance author with my first book just published and working on the next book, marketing the one just out, and other various writing projects ... but doing it on MY schedule. You see, I had a stroke about 10 years ago that didn't leave many long-term disabilities unless I am in stressful situations. Then I literally (physically and emotionally just fall apart) and don't function well.

My daughter has been living in our home and she and her fiance are now in the process of finding another place to live. There income will be stretched in finding something they can afford. She's got the opportunity for a nice place (within their budget) but it's a little far out of town. The kids go to a charter school and could (I stress "COULD") continue to take the bus home to the house and then I would have them for an hour each day, four days a week.

I WANT TO DO THIS. Would love to have them there. But ... oh, there are so many "buts" -- the two biggest ones are fear that I'd start to feel that anxiety and stress that debilitates me AND the impact on my marriage. My husband believes my daughter takes advantage of me. He's even talked about how he KNOWS she is going to do it again. Of course, this just came up and NO, I haven't brought it up to him.

Please, please ... does anyone have any common sense (read that to mean sort of "unemotional") advice to give?

Here's the thing. I know a lot of grandparents are involved with their grandchildren and provide that extended family that provides extra love and comfort.

I'm at a loss and I have to admit, telling her I can't not only breaks my heart, but it really does leave me feeling sick to my stomach at the idea. I'm so torn.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciate and your prayers would be most welcome.

Confused in Germany ...

Blessings, Francine

She's only taking advantage of you if you let her. If you want the grandkids with you on those days, it should be a blessing, not a stress factor.

I've learned to think things through by taking baby steps. One thought or problem at a time. If you don't let her take advantage in other areas will keeping the kids be just enough to keep your husband from feeling resentful?

The one thing I've learned the hard way, i.e., through several massive breakdowns that completely debilitated me for years at a time, is that I MUST live within my boundaries. I used to be so giving and charitable (translate that into letting people walk all over me), only to crash into my own limitations and suffer terribly simply because I didn't feel comfortable saying "no".

I'm a different person now, in transition, between that person and the new person I am now, who ISN'T as kind and generous as before, but so much healthier physically, emotionally and mentally. I had to learn my boundaries and limitations and be very strict about living within in them in order to recover from this last breakdown. Now that I'm restored and healthier than ever before, I can pick and choose where to expend what limited energy I do have.

It's hard, especially when you're dealing with loved ones. But Dr Phil says something that I've really taken to heart and made it work for me: we teach people how to treat us. If I want people to respect my boundaries and energy limitations, I have to teach them what those boundaries are, and how to respect them. It really does work.

You know your limitations. You know how your mind and body respond when you step beyond those limitations. If you want to live a reasonably healthy life, you will have to set those boundaries "in stone" and enforce them...you will have to be strict about it at the beginning so people know you're serious...and then when you feel safe and "in control" of your space and boundaries, you can begin to loosen them as your energy and preferences allow.

That's what I had to do. It was very hard in the beginning, claiming my downtime, my space and my energy limitations and not allowing people to pull or push me beyond those...the consequences (for me) of going beyond those limitations were devastating, forcing me to be more disciplined about more clearly defining those parameters.

Francine,

First and foremost, you need consider your health, and well-being, both physical, and emotional. Having the desire to do, often is just not wise or practical.

I often have my grandchildren with me, for extended visits. These visits are times when I am able to fully give of myself, with an emphasis placed upon being able to offer one-on-one interaction with the children. Staying with their Grams, for my grandchildren, does not equate being merely warehoused. It means time spent with someone who, for the duration of their visit, will be neither distracted by physical ills, or emotional perturbances. To keep them with me if for some reason I am not quite physically up to it, or I'm working on a deadline, when distractions may cause stress, or anxiety or some discomfort of spirit, would be unfair to them, and myself, as well. Of course, should there be some family emergency, and I'm needed by them, I'd do it, regardless!

In a nutshell:

Francine, if you honestly feel you are up to it, and are able to give of yourself with settled mind, free spirit, and with no fear for your health, by all means, do it.


http://www.intouchwithjeannine.com

For me that would be one hour a day, I allow myself to play, be with the grandkids and enjoy them to the fullest. Not a chore but a joy to have them and get to know them and create memories with them.

It will be your mind set, taken advantage of, or enjoying an hour a day with your grandchildren.

Just my humble opinion.

Sherri

Maybe your daughter could make other arrangements for daily child care and you could be available for a couple of days a week or whenever you feel up to it.

That's the arrangement I made with my daughters and it gives me the opportunity to enjoy my grandkids without the day to day responsibility for them.

I think it's working farily well.

smile

Thank you all so much for the feedback.

I'm still unsure what I want to do. Well, I know what I want but I'm not sure it's the best answer.

Your suggestion, Diane, of making concessions in other areas with my husband was a good one and I'll think on that.

Eagle Heart, as usual, you've given me some great advice and I admire you for your hard work in setting boundaries. That is a hard thing to do for me, as I'm sure it is for others. I agree, there are times when we have to say NO in order to protect our health.

Jeannine, I'm the same way when I'm with my grandkids. We interact ... talk, read, or if we have time, we do other things. I've always used our time together to pay attention to them. The fact is, I love talking with both Alix and Cody ... they make me laugh and challenge me at times.

And like you Sherrie, I do love "playing" with my grandkids. I love seeing the world through their eyes. And I know I can give them a different perspective than their mom.

I had planned to spend time with them, but like you Smimlinize, not on a daily basis.

I know I've got to look at my health first. And, I don't want to commit to this and then not be able to follow through.

I guess my heart wants to do this ... longs to do this. But my body is saying, maybe not. And I think, regardless of any other concessions I make with my husband, it will negatively affect our relationship. You see, my over-involvement with my daughter and grandkids caused lots or problems prior to us coming to Germany. Our marriage has improved one hundred percent. I don't want to jeopardize that.

It always seems as if I'm caught in the middle with my daughter and grandkids on one side and my husband on the other. It's a very painful place to be.

Thank you all for taking the time and concern to help.

Blessings, Francine

I adore my grandson but seeing him everyday would make it an responsibility and not a pleasure. I too believe you need to first think of yourself which means your health and then your relationship with the man you live with daily and the strain it could put on that relationship which comes right back to your personal well being and health.. All too often we Grandmoms forget that we've done our jobs, raised our kids and now its there turn to do the same with their own kids...good luck whatever you decide...

writegirl, listen to your heart. It's telling you something and you know what it is. It's just hard because you know others have different expectations. YOu are the only one who knowswhat will keep you mentally healthy and that is so important.

In a perfect world, or an old Norman Rockwell painting, Francine, it would be you and your husband, both excited, both desiring some role in the lives of the grandkids, both exerting equal time and energy, on them. Both of you, enjoying, and sharing, the role of Grandparenting. I hope you will pardon me asking, but, how involved a Grandpa, is your husband?

It's not unusual to find a set of Grandparents wherein one is not into the whole Grams or Gramps scene. Some folks find the company of small children, even their own blood, boring, or unsettling, or look upon them as unwelcome intruders, in their lives. Some have had it, with children, so to speak, and have no interest in performing the role of a Grandparent.

A friend of a friend often mentions a woman who complains constantly about her husband, and how involved he is, with their Grandchildren. She maintains that it is now 'their' time, and she resents her husband's interests being channeled away from that premise. Yet, often, it seems, by what she states, the woman's premise is not so much 'their' time, but rather, 'her' time.

This may well happen, when a couple becomes empty nesters, and one or the other is a bit needy. The needy one looks to the other to concentrate all efforts on meeting their needs. Any time or energy expended on anything outside of them, is resented, and looked at as some sort of personal slight.

Francine, from what you've posted, it appears that you have over-done, for your daughter in the past. It has been detrimental to your well being, and I can fully understand your husband not wanting you to harm yourself, in any way. Is it possible, that you have over-done, to compensate for being the one parent who, by what I've read in your posts, seems to have been the closest to your daughter?

And my dear, I feel the very real anguish in your words… ‘It always seems as if I'm caught in the middle with my daughter and grandkids on one side and my husband on the other. It's a very painful place to be’.


http://www.intouchwithjeannine.com