I thought these were pretty funny.



These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.

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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

These are hilarious!

Okay, I can't quit laughing here. Was all of your victims dead when you performed the autopsy? OMG...that is so hilarious!

I'm reading these twice, just for the fun of it!

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

BAHAHHAHA BAHAHHAHHHA BAHHAHAHHHA

Josie I have read many funny things but these take the cake, win the prize, are the cats meow, and made me nearly pee myself laughing. I am still laughing... I have an lawyer friend who will be receiving these tomorrow!! Hilarious!!!!

And the chances are good that a few of these people will someday be sitting on a jury. YIKES !!!

(Do you suppose one of them might have been part of the Phil Spector original "hung" jury??? DOUBLE YIKES !!!)

Oh these are funnnnnnyyyyy! I've got the biggest smile on my
face! These so goooooooddddd!!! If Mr. Denton wasn't dead when
they started the autopsy, he was when they finished! LOL...
These are great! Thanks, Josie from NJ; I've had my laugh for the day, heeeehawwww...

I laugh every time I see these. My favorites:

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

Nevery mind the jury, the attorneys scare the crap out of me.

Hubby watches Court TV regularly. Some of the stuff the attorneys
ask, makes a person wonder. How they ever pass the bar exam, is a real guess.

These are great. Some of them are hysterical.

jabber, Dad watches Court TV. He gets a real kick out of it. I, on the other hand, can't stand it.