As much as I try to deny what my therapist diagnosed that fateful day, approximately three years ago, it's become obvious to me that his diagnosis is real.

I say this because today while traveling this particular route to take my daughter to work, the stinch of tar pierced my nostril, then provoked old thoughts of a painful past.

I was in fifth grade, living with my father and his wife which was a first grade teacher. She attended night school on Tuesdays and Thursday to obtain her master's degree. On those evenings, my father and I were alone. He would chase me and torture me with his predestined acts of sex with me, his child by turning the main power off then chase me around the dark house.

By the time my step-mother would return, I would either be sleep or too 'ill' to respond if she did, granted she was interested, speak to me. The very next morning I would have to walk to school. There were men working on the roof. They were tarring and the stinch traveled for miles, or so it seemed. This was in Houston, during, September when it is still very hot.

I hadn't connected the dots. I didn't understand why I was always soooo down during the summer months, and recovering during fall...maybe better by spring until my doc broke down to me what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder really meant.

For years, I experienced strange reactions that usually happened during the summers. There were times when I stayed in bed 20hrs per day. One time, as I recall, my little girl asked "Do you know who I am today?" That hurt so bad that I finally sought professional help.

Needless to say, I was totally unproductive and finances hit rock bottom. (sustained by child support, alimony and unemployment) However, that was only supplemental income to the lifestyle I'd lead prior to falling so deep into depression or PTSD.

My point, finally? It's that when I 'experienced' stinch of tar, my mind drifted back to those times. I'm not sure if I wanted to drive off into a ditch or if I was just that preoccupied and forgot that I was driving. Either way, I was in a school zone and could have harmed a child, myself or both.

I do recall having flashing thoughts of suicide pop into my head. I was feeling worse after the doc explained this phenomena to me. See, the way my mind processed this was that I would never get over it since normally, especially in the colder states like Wisconsin, many personal and commercial property owners tarred/paved their structures. To me, my summers would always be filled with scents of tar and memories.

When does it end? How does one let go of olfactory reminders? I was fine prior to the 'tar' experience today. I have several other 'memories' but this one tends to take me for a long ride everytime. I really don't ever want to get to the point I've mention above. THat lasted almost a year before I would even step foot outside or open windows because I dared not accidently smell this source of memorable hell.

Any suggestions?

Sick Sugaree

[ September 15, 2004, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: Sugaree ]

Lord, have mercy. What a horrible, horrible thing for a child.

Bless your heart. That should have never have happened to you. You were a little girl that deserved to be loved and protected by your father and he hurt you instead.

I'm so sorry.

You will get past this. I know that you will because we are built to get past hurt and pain and trauma. If that weren't so, the human race would cease to exist because of all the evil we must face in this life.

Therapy will help you to own your experiences. You need to walk through them, grieve them, feel anger at them.... you need to scream, to cry, to wish the man dead. It will not be easy, but you are strong enough to do it.

You are not that little girl any longer. You are a strong woman with children and a life and you have to fight back now in the way you could not when you were small. Fight to give your child the life she deserves... free from memories of a mom that couldn't function because of her horrible past. Don't let the molester continue to molest your life. Choose today to do the work necessary to put an and to his abuse.

By the way, I also have PTSD. I understand.

You can do this. You can win this fight.

Sugar, many of the women I work with (almost all) suffer from PTSD. I still do at times. And unless you experience it, it's nearly impossible to explain how very real an episode is!

I remember, after leaving my abusive husband, taking a hike with a neighbor and we were standing on a cliff, overlooking the valley and in my mind, I suddenly saw my ex pushing me off the cliff and watched myself falling. I didn't realize until then, how powerful an episode can be.

One of my women would be driving her car and suddenly feel like her abuser was in the back seat. She too would almost wreck. But in a way, her story is metaphoric. The abuser from our past are still in the back seat, going along for the ride!

This is what has helped me: When I go through this, I stop myself and say this in my mind. "He, it, they, are something I experienced. I will no longer allow this to define who or what I'm going to be in the future." It's a small way of taking back your control and personal power.

You will begin to notice that your dreams change too. Now, if I dream about that Jerk-Wad, I'm in control and telling him what I think about him.

Continued therapy will help you eventually overcome your childhood abuse. Is your dad still living? If so, confront him! I had to do this.

Sherri and Dianne, thanks for understanding. You're right. One must have experienced these sort of 'episodes' in order to truly understand.

I have been insulted many a time during the past when 'someone' would say things like, "That was then, this is now. Get over it." Or, "Stop living in the past..." It's obvious that those type of folk have been fortunate NOT to have experienced this.

No longer am I offended by these statements. I simply, granted I tell anyone what I'm going thru, tell them that I'm happy that they don't understand. Most of the times when I've said this, the person would want me to elucidate. I tell them that in order for you to understand, something traumatic would have had to happen to you. I tell them that I'm simply happy that you don't. I guess I'd have to elucidate because saying that may sound 'cynical.' I quietly thank God for them.

Sherri, my father died a horribly tragic death. Every bone in his body was crushed except for a pinky finger. That fatal evening was hell for me. I had never got to comfront him and he had never cleared my name with the family. He never admitted his wrong or undid what 'manipulators' like him do. He had 'convinced' them that I just wanted/needed attention when I told them at the age of 11, what he'd been doing.

I wonder about those folk. Many of them have Ph.D's or Master's degrees. How is it that he was able to convince them against all of the evidence in their faces. Maybe they wanted to keep the family name 'clean' of anything like this. But, when I first told them, I was only an 11yr girl, hospitalized for taking an overdose.

That would have struck me as just tooooo odd. Oh well, I certainly have been thru lots of therapy. Although I didn't think the affects were completely over, the scent just threw me off track a bit the other day.

That day, I just relaxed with teas and did lots of writing and other therapuetics that I'd learned. As anyone that's gone thru these episodes can attest to, those make for extremely long days of torturous memories, despite how hard you try NOT to go there.

Thanks for the encouragement and understanding. At first when I posted this, I was afraid that 'these' people were going to think I was just completely nuts. Sharing snippets of your experiences was/is reassuring but at the same time, my heart goes out to you for having to 'understand.'

Dianne, have you ever read this novel, "Rose Matters" by Stephan King? This man is a genius! He captured the moments of domestic abuse within this couple and, of course, hyper-exaggerated the backstory in a way that really did/does take the edge off of the victim but for a moment. King leaves the actions of a household suffering from domestic abuse in tact. Even if his reader never experienced this DA before, the way he presented the material, charting and plotting and his ultimate climaxing theme here, his reader could now empathize. EXCELLENT READ!

I think it could be beneficial for your group as well as for you.

Unfortunately, as the notorious 'vicious cycle' would have it, after I left home, I married an abusive man. I can understand those feelings or post effects you mentioned. I'll pray that yours are eased as well.

Sher, I'm forty and have been dealing with this a very long time. Can you tell me this: Does it EVER end?

Sugaree

I have never heard of the book you mentioned but will find it and read it. Thanks.

The PTSD episodes will lessen with time and not be so "real." Do they completely go away? It's not that they go away but that you will begin to look at them from another viewpoint. Like you can remember a little girl that was tortured by her dad and remove yourself mentally. As for the memories, sadly they never go away. Sometimes, I'll sigh out loud thinking of something from the past and my husband will say, "What's wrong?" I've never told him. There are certain streets in Scottsdale, AZ that I refuse to drive down because of memories. This shows you just how horrible abuse can be.

Have you ever read Sue Silverman's, Because I Remember Terror Father, I Remember You." Now, if certain things are a trigger for you, you might not want to read this book but it is powerful. She's a wonderful writer.

Have you considered joining a support group? I think it might really help you and give you validation. That's important to a victim...to know another person has been through it and understands. This is when you take the pain off your shoulders and put it where it belongs...on the perpetrator's shoulders...dead or alive.

I'm really sorry you're going through this but I can tell you from experience that if you work at it and really want it, you can go from survivor to thriver.

See Dianne, that's the thing with this, at least from my experience; you think that you've jumped over into the 'survivor's' mode only to find out, unfortunately weeks, maybe months later, that you've been 'suffering' yet another sort of episode.

I really thought that I was ok. Recently, I've looked back at what I've been doing and realized that 'it' got me again. Don't know exactly when it started, but for sure, it's been here and has done some damage, yet again.

I was only able to measure this by speaking w/my reg doc during a physical. He asked me a series of questions: What have you been doing? Working? Writing? Socializing? (he, of course, knows my psychological history)

Only then was I aware that I have not been me, the one that 'used' to do all of these things he mentioned.

Just when I 'think' that I'm content, something/someone slaps with reality. A reality I'd like to know prior to vs. a year later. PSTD is a serious condition. Too bad I'm learning this instead of fighting it.

What are the indicators that one is going there prior to 'in there' and don't know how to get out? My conversation with friends, mind you, all on the phone, are fine and non-indicative of a need for intervention-but, there was and maybe some part of me hid it.

This is the very rhetoric my 'suicidal' mind used to entertain. 'What good is it to fight these issues when they will never go away. I will always suffer the memories, never to live a 'normal' life...my job will be done and that I can rest in peace, finally.' I know that's was such a sick and selfish mindset. I was sick and hurt and tired of dealing with those flashbacks and nightmares and whatever else accompanied my struggle.

I think I'm scared now that my daughter is of age and on her way to college. I'm not saying that I want to commit suicide right now, but that had been my rationale before; when my children are safe and able to fin for themselves...in college, that there would be no reason for me to continue this suffering. I was only living and withstanding these flashbacks to assure my children wouldn't not endure the same from a family member or foster home...now my job is done,' sorta mentality.

It's amazing what the sick mind will rationalize. I do thank God for delivering me from that, if only but for a while.

Well, seems like thet rationale is reminding me that my nest will be empty of obligation. Why is that so vivid? Why am I remembering this like it's time to pay the piper. But only now I dont want to. I want to live.

Did it creep back? How will I know? Was the other day when the stinch of tar and the flood of memories a sign? What is selective amnesia?

[ September 17, 2004, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: Sugaree ]

Does it ever go away? Well, no. We can't wipe our memories clean, so it will always live there.

Smells are a very strong trigger. That is strictly because our sense of smell is formed deep within our brain and our earliest memories can be related to smell.

My best advice to you is simply this. Give, give, give. No experience in life is wasted. You've been there. You're alive. The abuse is in the past, never to be repeated. Now it becomes your responsibility to channel those painful memories into a positive by helping in any way you can others that are in pain.

Volunteer at a shelter for abused women. Go to the hospital and hold AIDS babies. Collect clothing for impoverished women that need something suitable to wear to job interviews. There are any number of people that need your help right now. Find them.

Every time a memory hurts, tell that man out loud that he can't hurt you any more and that you will not allow him to continue to molest your spirit. He's long since dead, but it's not about him hearing you. It's about you saying it.

And if you haven't already, it's time to write him a letter. Tell him how he made you feel. How much it hurt. How ashamed you were. How you wanted him to love you like a Daddy should love a little girl. How much you wanted him dead and how some part of you was glad when you got your wish. It's a therapy standard, sure. But, it actually does help.

Please continue to go to therapy... and if one isn't working, move on. You need to process this, but in the mean time, you need to focus on helping others as often as you can. It reminds you that you are powerful and worthwhile and that you have something people need.

It will not always be this way, but it is hard work. You can do it.

Sue Silverman became a sex addict in her adult years because of what her father did to her. It messes your mind up because it isn't natural. And, it wasn't your fault, regardless of anyone's belief that what he did was true.

I don't want to pull you away from this site but I'm going to invite you to visit my site and post about this. I have other women who have episodes of suicidal thoughts quite often and have found support and help. www.eadv.net

One gal is an atty and what her abuser did to her has caused severe PTSD but she's still plugging along and there is power and strength in numbers.

Sher is right. Helping others does help us but the problem is...when PTSD sufferers go into the depressed/suicide mode, they aren't able to reach out or do much of anything.

Reach out. You've done that here. That's the first step. We should never be embarrassed because of another's actions, like your father. You're the victim. You've done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of.

[ September 18, 2004, 10:29 AM: Message edited by: Dianne ]

There's a newly published book called "It's not your fault" by Patricia McGraw (she lives around here) who's a therapist who specializes in PTSD. In it she describes a therapy she uses successfully with PTSD victims.
She claims that you can't just "get over it" so she helps her patients reprogram their brains by working to change the circuitry of associations as they go back to the memories and work through them.
You might see if you can find a shrink who knows the methods.

Ladies, thanks for offering such caring advice. I'm grateful for your experiences and willingness to reach out and encourage Sugaree to make the changes needed in her life right now.

Sugaree, I might add that it's important to surround yourself with loving people. A support group is an excellent idea, but so is a faith based environment. Do you have a church home?

Dianne, thanks for offering your forums for Sug. Perfect!