My niece died a few weeks ago. She was 38 and up until a month before she died we didn't even know she was sick. Sudden loss. Although we had been somewhat estranged in recent years, we were as close as mother and daughter before that. So much so that my husband and I raised her son after she couldn't pull it together to do it herself.

Now, she's gone. My Godchild, my "daughter," my niece. This hurts so badly that I don't want to even think about it much less talk about it. However, I know I can't keep it inside. Sometimes I feel panic and fear. As if something horrible has happened. Then, I spend a few seconds thinking about her as if she is alive. But just for a few seconds. Then reality comes sweeping over me and I feel like I'm going to drop to the floor.

What a twisted situation I find myself in now. This death is going to shape my future. Every decision I make from here on out could cause results that I have to live with the rest of my life.

More to come.

Oh how I hear you Pamjr8! I lost my brother two years ago. He was only 43. There are still days and moments when I feel that panic and fear, when as you say, the "reality comes sweeping over me and I feel like I'm going to drop to the floor."

We had a discussion on grief here awhile back. Part of the discussion dealt with "stolen futures", how the death of a loved one completely changes our lives forever, stealing dreams, hopes, plans and horizons...it literally pulls all of the rugs out from under our feet. It takes every ounce of courage and strength to crawl through the rubble and find a way to live in this new reality.

I hear you, and my heart aches with you. There are so many wise women here, who have lost loved ones and had their lives and futures shaped by both the deaths and the grief journey. I hope you find comfort and a safe place to weep here.

The following quote was sent to me today, and then I read this post. I thought it was appropriate and would like to share it with you, Pam and Eagle. I know; easier said then done, but still the quote makes sense to me, and hopefully will help you at least a little.

pamjr8, I think you are wise to post about it. Maybe you could even journal some too. It helps to get the feelings out. I remember writing letters to Mom at her graveside the first couple years after she died. It felt like I was talking to her and it gave me tremendous relief and comfort.

I hope you will address it while it still hurts. Feel free to continue sharing here if you like.

How is her son doing?

Dotsie (and all)
Thank you for your support. The day after the funeral I went through feelings of anger where I wanted to throw everything and break things and scream. Where I got the internal strength to simply cry instead I'll never know. The following morning after a fitful night of sleep I wondered about where I would turn to keep from sinking. As the work week began I considered calling someone to say "I won't be able to work anymore for awhile."

Then, I remembered this site. Supportive women who get it. And even when someone can't relate they can give comfort. I came here 2 years ago when I went through a very trying situation. Dotsie, it was your question about her son that reminded me. My husband and I raised her son and two years ago he become extemely out of hand and went to live with his biological father. You all talked me through that.

All this is compounded by the feelings of failure. I know this isn't about me. But I'm not really sure what it is all about. It's as if I've grown significantly from the experience. Things are in perspective a little more with regard to work and people in general. I have a friend who is going through something and she talks it out with me and I swear I'm beginning to sound like a shrink when I give her options(I say that to shrinks everywhere with love and affection). I'm paying closer attention to other people. Nasty attitudes don't bother me as much because I just don't know what the other person is going through.

This loss in a nutshell rocked my world.

I did begin a blog but the personal feelings are too real and having this site is already helping temendously.

Thanks.

pamjr8, this place is like a cyber hospice for our emotions and all the women here are the caretakers making sure our emotional pillows are fluffed and our souls are nurtured with the sweet nectar of their comfort and love. This is the safest place I know besides having actually passed and gone to heaven.

Thanks for the encouragement. Obviously, I've experienced the death of a loved one before: my grandfather when I was 13, my stepfather when was I was 17, my grandmother when I was in my 20's, my cousins 3 week old son when I was in my 30's. heart wrenching stuff to be sure.

My niece was not supposed to die until long after she had to choose my resting place. That's the way it works. I'm not as naive as I sound. Young people die all the time; some tragically. But this is the kind of tragedy that you watch on tv or movies. You hear about it through a friend who tells you about something that happened to somemone they know.

This is not something that happens to you...me. I suppose this is as close to devastated as I've ever been.

Thank goodness I have the support team here. I'm glad I found you all.

Dear pamjr8:
I'm so sorry for your loss. When a younger person dies, it is always more difficult to deal with. "It's not supposed to happen".

I pray the Lord comforts your soul while grieving for your immense loss.

I do believe writing it out helps you tremendously. Best of all, know that we care. While we do not have all the answers, we do care for one another; and are here to hear you out and bring whatever possible comfort to you, being here for you, praying for you, etc.

There is no sorrow on earth that heaven can not heal, said Hellen Keller. That is powerful. God understands sorrow. He lost His son, while in his thirties, too! He holds you close to his heart and soothes your wounds. Please take it one day at a time.

May God bless you and yours abundantly.

pamjr8, I only hope you'll stay with us this time and be an active member, possibly being able to relate to and help someone else. Bless your heart...