I lost my MIL 9 years ago, grandma 5 years ago, my dad 3 years ago, and a few others not so close to me as well over this time. On Monday, my best friend's brother passed away suddenly. He was 54 and had led a tormented life, including sexuality issues, addiction to painkillers, asthma, heart problems and depression.

I went to be with Heidi on Monday, spent the night and came home yesterday afternoon. Jim wanted to be cremated, so they will take their time planning a memorial service for him.

Here's my question. How do you deal with the death of someone? I have a very difficult time showing my emotions; I almost feel like I have to force myself to cry so that people won't think I'm a cold, heartless person.

Usually I cry a little at first, and then I go into action mode. I can't sit around and cry and worry, or whatever. I have to be doing something. Then anywhere from 2-6 months later I break down and let it all out. Really not sure why I respond this way, but it's the same with nearly everyone I've lost. The closer the person (like my dad) the more I cry, such as at the service, but it's never as much as others, or as often as others.

I know it's not wrong to be this way, I just feel different. Is there anyone else out there like me?

I haven't lost anyone in my immediate family yet. Both of my parents,all 5 siblings, etc. are alive. So I can't say.

I must admit for others more distant from my nuclear/core family and siblings of friends who have died, I don't seem to cry or if I did, it wasn't noticeable/memorable to myself. I don't try to force myself.

I'm the sort of person that does cry when contemplating quietly by myself. It's as if I need complete focus of my thoughts and time to think of the person, event, etc.

I know I have changed over the last 2 decades re crying in general.. I do it more readily when seeing a moving movie or when something deeply negative has happened to me (ie. job loss) or thinking about regrets of what I have done something wrong to someone who I love.

When I'm happy/overjoyed, I'm vocal, cheering and jump around, but I don't cry. It's just me.

Well, stoicism at beginning, is not necessarily a good thing for deaths of very close family members nor close friends...I'm a believer, that if there's not enough contemplative time allowed for grieving for oneself, the grief just manifests itself in less healthy ways..I've seen it in my mother when one of her sisters died. She grieved abit but suppresssed alot of it..and instead reacted in anger and frustration at others around her. Not healthy.

For myself personally, prolonged perpetual crying..is very draining on my energy. I find it more helpful and therapeutic to allow myself to think frequently of the person who died, how the person contributed to lives of others and to talk of the person with others who have a need to share such thoughts also.

So far, I've found that I feel grieving is for the living. I lost the man who raised me, my parental figure, when I was 23. He had taught me that dying is a part of living and that when we die, we are in a better place. I believed in him so when he passed, I felt happy for him, as he was suffering in his last three days on earth...
I did some crying but it was anger at him leaving me before he had said he would. ( He told me he would live to 100 and I believed that.) Otherwise, I didn't feel a need to cry much.
I believe I will feel the same way when my other family members leave, as well as myself.

Dancer

Giving this some serious thought Dancing Dolphin I came to the conclusion that I cry when seeing someone else cry.

I was fine when I lost my two husbands, holding it together for my sons but when I saw them begin to cry I just about collapsed and all hell broke loose.

I think I had gotten so use to being 'strong' and putting up a false front for my men during their lenghtly illiness's that it was hard for me to let go...

That's a good question Dolphin. For me, it's been different depending on the person/circumstance.

I lost my dad 23 years ago. I was only 26 at the time and just had my 3rd daughter. Had baby and then drove like h3!! to get to his bedside in time. Literally. Dad had been hospitalized after brain surgery for quite sometime and we'd been up and down with him that entire summer. I knew he was on the way out, but didn't know when. My mom and I suspected that once Hill (my daughter) was born, he'd be out the door. And he was. I really did not cry much. Rather, I was overjoyed he was out of the pain he was in and we had a decent relationship. I was there when he passed, held his hand, said goodbye and I love you. He went fairly peacefully. I was sad cause he was still young (only 61) but I guess I went through the grieving process as he was sick. We were told he may not survive surgery, but he did for nearly 3 months in hospital.

With others, it's been different. When a dear friend of mine lost a small child, I bawled for days. For my friend, for her sweet little daughter, for my own fear because I had small children at the time.

I even lost it when my ex's grandmother passed. I too was at her bedside, and she recognized me and smiled. I wasn't crying or really upset when I arrived, we had been expecting her death, too. She had been ill and was 95 years old. Moments before she passed, she raised her arms and just said "Jesus!" and smiled. Now when that happened, I lost it and cried like a baby. She was gone a few minutes afterwards. I still miss that woman...she was such a kind and warm lady.

I lost a dear friend I worked with several years ago, quite tragically due to a plane crash. His wife worked with us and we travelled together for work frequently so we got to be a great group of friends. When Steve died, I was so totally in shock for a few days. I could not even walk by his office, I would rather walk the long way around through a hall to get to mine, although we were only maybe 12-15 feet apart. Steve always threw a "pie party" every fall on his farm and I had to bring pies to his memorial service, it just seemed appropriate. (His pies were something to die for because he was always concocting something new and delicious.)

Chatty, I have that same phenomenon. When another one cries, it triggers my own tears.
As far as mourning goes, I was surprised how I reacted when my father died. I mourned while he was ill. It tore my apart to see him suffer so. When he died, I felt relief that he finally has his peace. I still miss him, but in a loving way; not in a sad way.
I beleve if you are unable to cry, like Orchid mentioned, it is nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe you aren't truly moved. You can't fake feelings like that.

I've lost so many significant loved ones in the past 10 years that I feel like I've been crying non-stop since the fall of 1998. One thing I have noticed is that there is an adrenaline-thing that happens to me immediately after a person dies. It gets me through the phone calls, the funeral arrangements, the houseguests and the caretaking of others for awhile. Then when everyone is gone and the house is silent, it hits me hard, and I sob uncontrollably for hours. It takes weeks for me to get that first wave of weeping under control, so I rarely even go out, because I know that I'll just end up sobbing all over anyone and everyone who is either rude or kind to me.

I do find, like Chatty and others, that long after the jagged edges of grief have eased off to a dull ache, another person's weeping (even on TV) will set me off again. I guess it's mostly empathy, remembering what that pain feels like and feeling it from two perspectives - feeling it with the other person and feeling my own pain all over again.

It is what it is. To the extent that the person was an integral part of our lives, it's normal and natural to agonize over their absence. And everyone deals with that agony in their own way. When Mom died, I plunged myself into my work, avoiding the agony, to the point that it burned me out so badly that I'll probably never be able to work again. And as soon as I couldn't work anymore, there was no escaping the grief. So my tears and grieving didn't really manifest themselves until several months after she died. My boss actually told me that she thought something was wrong with me when she never saw me cry at work right after losing my Mom. But I just couldn't deal with the pain at the time.

One thing I have learned is to be gentle, understanding and compassionate about grief. We ARE human, and humans react when they hurt. Me, I cry. I had to finally get therapy because the grief plunged me so deep I couldn't crawl out by myself, but that's okay too. I did make it out, I think. But oh, I still cry. I miss my parents and my brother every single day; how can it not have such an immense life-changing impact on our hearts and minds when they leave us!

Grief is such a personal thing, as are tears. We really can't judge another by the way they react, or don't react when tragedies occur.

The day of my Dad's hospitalization and Ross's fire, I didn't cry. There really was no drama even though what was going on was very dramatic. It's at times like those that I try to keep it together for the sake of others, and be helpful. The next morning, I was doing my quiet time, listening to a song which I call God alone is enough (not sure if that's the title) and I was moved to tears about the goings on of the prior day. I just started to get in a good cry when the phone rang. The office calls were being forwarded to our home until new service was installed. I had to get it together for the caller and never got back to my cry. The mood was broken. I felt robbed. Still do.

As some of you mentioned, the tears of others can certainly begin my own. And it usually feels so good.

Like Orchid, I've not been affected by the loss of anyone in my immediate family. But, my life is not void of an exposure to death and dying.

My introduction to death was when a sister was still born. I didn't know my sister and I was only five or six.

I was not yet a teen when my paternal grandfather (who I knew very little, but loved by association) died. Of that death, I remember mostly the music from his service.

From then, friends and classmates died in accidents, by their own hands and in the Vietnam war, but their deaths were mostly after I was married and I was involved with my new life.

But, then a son of a customer was killed in an off-road accident. Because of what I experienced then and what I feel I know now, I react to deaths in my own way. Without a doubt, I believe the young man (as in his spirit/energy) visited me in my waking hours the day the news of his death broke. In fact, I believe he woke me that day. Why me? He and I had a best friend relationship... he in his mid-teens, me in my mid-twenties with a lingering mentality from my teen years. We were soul mates, of sorts.

There have been deaths scattered over the years since, none close, even though some blood related... the only one to whom I had a deep-rooted relationship was my maternal grandmother. She is absent in my life only in the physical. She is still my rock and very much 'here' for me. Fill in the blanks as you will.

Tears (whether thought or realized) are necessary. They help us transition from past to future. I may or may not cry at someone's passing. I think it depends on what's going on in my own life and how sensitive I am to effectual things at the time.

As for the question, "How do you deal with death?"... I'd say, because of my belief that death is the doorway to a new world, there is no 'dealing with death' per se, for me. Instead, I deal with my feelings concerning readjusting to the change a death brings to my life.