My mother died almost 5 years ago after a year-long battle with cancer. Then 2 years ago my step-dad (who was more of a dad to me for 25 years) died after a 3 month battle with cancer. Today, I recieved a final payment from their trust fund. It was the second of two small payments and came as a surprise. My brother was the executor of their trust and, if you are familiar with trusts, the money comes from a checking account in the name of trust.

I look at that check, see my mom and dad's names and know it is the LAST thing from them I'll ever get and once again I'm reduced to tears. I didn't expect this ... not the money nor the reaction. It's as if I must say goodbye to them all over again. And there is a part of me that does not want to cash that check. Yet, that check arrived in answer to some serious prayers about our finances.

Both Mom and Dad are together in Heaven and I know I will see them again. I do not understand why I'm filled with such sadness and cry.

It is hard to have to say goodbye again.

Hurting and confused, Francine

Dear Francine: I am sorry for your pain. It is totally understandable. We were not created to die. We were created to live a happy and painless life, not to say good bye to our loved ones.

Regardless of anyone's belief regarding what happens after death, in one way or the other we all feel the loss.

Maybe you can make a copy of that check? That way you can cash it and still have that last bit of memorabilia with you.

A hug from your boomer sis, reminding you that the day will come when Christ shall wipe all tears and death will be no more.

Oh Francine, I can relate to your pain. Especially this cheque being, as you say, the LAST thing from them you'll ever get. There's such finality in that, isn't there.

I have a similar struggle. I've been cleaning out the basement, getting rid of all of the clothes we've collected over the years for our trips to Cuba. I found some of Mom and Dad's clothes in amongst the bags, and automatically held them to my face, searching for a familiar scent, then just had to sit down and cry a bag full of tears. I was able to give all those clothes away without too much problem, but I still have one of Dad's favourite shirts, and two of Mom's very favourite outfits up in my closet. I can't bear to part with them. I've tried, but always ended up going back into the bags to pull them out again. So I gave up. I'll hold on to them until it's the right time to give them away.

I can understand your reluctance to not cash the cheque, but maybe the timing of its arrival is no coincidence? My eyes of faith see a touch of divine timing in there...maybe you could put a wee bit of that cheque aside and buy yourself something very special as an "in loving memory" gift to yourself.

From a fellow orphan, with care,
Eagle

[ July 25, 2005, 08:58 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

I am so sorry Francine that you have to go through that grieving again. It is difficult when we see even the smallest thing that can trigger a memory. After my grandma died, my grandpa couldn't take it anymore seeing her things that he begged my aunt to just get rid of them.

I agree with Songbird, make a copy of it. I will add that you put the copy in your Bible, the comfort you will have knowing they are both together with Christ in Heaven!

Hugs and Blessings,
Cathi

Francine - I remember several mos ago I was putting something in the chest that we have with all my son's things and I came across his ponytail -- he had long rich brown hair and when he cut it -- I had kept the ponytail in an envelope. When I opened it and held it in my hand and felt how ALIVE it still was -- it rocked me to the depths of my soul. I was torn between the peace I found in something of "him" in my hands and the grief of knowing it was all I had left of him.

I believe that Eagle Heart and Songbird are right in saying - take a copy for YOU - and then hold it close to your heart -- put on a BIG smile -- and honor them by cashing the check -- finding peace in the knowledge that they are obviously still aware of your needs and have once again come through for you

Francine, All the girls are right. Take a copy of the check. Who could bear to part with the last item they planned for you. They obviously wanted you to have the money. I am sure it arrived just when you needed it the most -- so like our parents to know even if they are in heaven watching over us. I believe mine are doing just that.
My Dad died in 1998 and Mom in 2000. When we were going through their things, I found a dresser scarf she used lots of times. I lifted it to my nose and breathed in her scent. It was almost more than I could handle. I took the scarf, wrapped it in plastic wrap to preserve the scent. Not too long ago I unwrapped it and found the scent was disappearing. I was very distraught. I asked my twin to smell it again. She told me to think about the scent. I thought it was the baby powder she always used, but to my surprise it was the "Charlie" cologne she wore for years.
Now, I am not as distraught about the cloth, if I want to smell her scent, I just open the bottle of Charlie I bought and there she is.
The check will be your scent. It will always be there for you to remember just how much they loved you. Cherish it and do make a copy. Take care Francine.

Sandpiper

Thank you all so very much. I never thought about making a copy of the check ... and I have a copier right here at home.

I still have some memories waiting for me when I return to the states. Most of the pieces of furniture and other items of my mom's remained with my dad until he died. And I was over here in Germany when that happened. Of course, I've been back and have briefly seen and touched, then had to store, those things. But to me, they will bring memories I'll cherish ... as I use them throughout my home.

This check just seemed ... I don't know ... almost like it had a life of its own. I know that's stupid when I put it into words.

But I like the idea of making a copy of it.

And Sandpiper, I know about those special smells. They say smell is our most memory-provoking scent. I wrote a short story about that and how the scent has connected four generations. Sure wish the folks I submitted it to would accept it, lol.

Thank you all so very much. You've been a wonderful blessing.

Blessings, Francine

Francine -

One thing I've learned is that nothing is "stupid" when it comes to trying to explain your emotions with the loss of a loved one

Oh ladies my dear Mother whom I adore is still alive at 85 and upon reading your posts my eyes welled up thinking that this day is coming for me one day when she will be gone and I don't know how to handle it even now. My hearts goes out to all of you.I agree with Lionspaaw that there is nothing stupid about emotion for loved ones living or dead...

Chatty,
I understand what you are saying. This topic has made me think too. I have missed my Dad so much since he passed away. And I will miss my mother too. Like your Mom, she has always been a dynamo, but I can see her fading since Daddy died.
She's like half herself and it makes me sad. It's hard for me to go over there for that reason. I miss my Dad so much in that house that he built with his own hands. It's difficult, but something we all have to face sooner or later.
I guess we just have to be strong and remain in prayer.
smile