I wasnt sure were to post this - but since I feel like I've lost something inside - innocence - I guess I'll post it here.

So often in the past year or so -- this past week being especially bad -- I have a fear of leaving my house. It seems everywhere I look there's another story of how someone has had something horrible inflicted upon them by another human being and it makes me afraid to even open my front door.

I get an overwhelming fear to let my husband leave the house too. We wont even get in to the anxiety attack I get thinking about the kids having to fly home from their honeymoon (Washington state to New Orleans) and then driving 13 hrs home with my grandbeauty in the back seat.

Maybe I'm having trouble dealing with my thoughts about death ???

In my job - I try to locate people who own property about to be lost to our local tax auction and it gets to me sometimes that most of the people have passed away -- with no trail as to their life. They just died and nobody seems to know where or when -- and this piece of property, that was once important enough to this person to have spent hard earned money on, just passes on to the highest bidder --- with no thoughts about who the PERSON was that owned it before -- just a chuckle of how cheap they got it from the auction. When I do find relatives, I'm amazed at how many dont want to be bothered with it -- or didn't even know it existed.

How sad

I think about getting professional help -- but then I feel silly about being so "silly" -- so I force myself outside and fight the urge to hide under my bed --

am I alone in this ??? what do you do when the panic attack of life hits ???

Lionspaw,

I encourage you to get professional help. You really don't have to live in fear. It is not silly. Noting we feel is silly.

Let us know how you are doing.

Lynn

I'm not much for doctors but in this case maybe some kind of professional help would help. We are all afraid and with good reason. I go out less and less where before I was never at home. I even went and looked at model homes just to be out and about. These days I am never in my car without a gun and then its in my purse or my pants, the belt. Our world is a scary place these days full of weirdos and misfits wanting what we have or just to take their own frustrations and anger out on someone, anyone, they don't care. It is a horrible way to have to live but I can't find a better answer, can any of you??

I'm usually such an "UP" person -- but I just can't seem to shake this feeling of "doom" -- like something horrible is about to happen. It goes way past me being able to protect myself with my gun, german shephard or husband -- I just feel "death" all around me for some reason ;-(

Maybe going to the wedding and thinking so much about Robert -- and worrying about the kids driving with the baby in lousy weather -- and on our way home from the wedding a guy came across from the north bound lane of the interstate, flipped several times across our south bound lane and wound up in the trees upside down. Several of us pulled over to help and my husband ran down there -- but the man had been thrown from the car and there was little life left in him -- it just makes you realize how quickly it can all be over.

Add that to the school shootings, church shootings, husbands killing wives and unborn children -- all the places you should be safe -- school, church and in your own home -- and I guess I'm just having a paranoid anxiety attack

I'll be better when the kids are home from their honeymoon and everything settles down a little, but I still think I'll call around and find someone to talk to about it -- course -- just venting here and having some back and forth with you ladies helps tremendously

(((((((((( THANK YOU )))))))))))

lionspaaw,
I can so relate to your overwhelming fear. Ever since 9/11 (and losing both my Mom and Dad around the same time didn't help), it's been such a different world, and it seems that everyone around us has the potential to hurt us and that there's nowhere safe anymore. I know I'm affected deeply by all the same stories you speak about...all the hatred and violence going on around us. I think it's partly why I've been a virtual recluse for almost two years. It's a cruel world out there and I just don't want to be a part of it anymore.

I did get professional help and I'm glad I did. It hasn't completely eradicated the panic attacks and fear, but I seem to be doing a little better now in at least understanding that the fear is both understandable and crippling. But even my shrink can't make me take that first step out the front door...that can only come from summoning up my own courage and using my own two feet...I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

I don't have any answers, other than to say that I/we might have to somehow learn how to co-exist with this paradox of knowing deep inside of our being that something terrible is going to happen, because in today's world, it may well be true that something terrible is going to happen today...but somewhere deep inside of us we also know that we somehow have to keep living our lives to the fullest that we can, and not allow that fear to rob us of what precious life we do have, in which case something terrible truly has happened.

I'm still working on it. Still can't always get myself out the front door, and fear is still my biggest obstacle. But I know I have to do it, get out there and reclaim my life. Being here in this forum is another good step in that direction.

[ March 28, 2005, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

Lionspaw,
It sounds as if you might have some form of post traumatic stress. The worries of a wedding, the traveling, and recollections of Robert all occuring at the time of the trauma of witnessing such a terrible accident may be taking a toll on your spirit.

Added to that the evening news is enough to make us all feel unsafe.

We can all join in prayer for your spirit and that of Eagle Heart to be lifted.
smile

I'm so glad you opened up and posted this. I have been experiencing mini panic or anxiety attacks lately. I think I have a mild form of PTSD. My chest gets tight and my heart races and sometimes, I'm afraid I'm having a heart attack. I have four scans set for April to get myself checked out.

I have also become reclusive and don't want to leave the house but my daughter forces me out. However, with all the crime today, I am so careful in parking lots and will not go to the grocery store by myself at night. I know women who have been kidnapped and raped from parking lots.

I do know that if you don't seek help, it will only get worse. Sometimes meds will help you too. I think 9/11 affected all of us more than we realize. Just know you aren't alone.

Dianne,

I agree, I think 9/11 affectedus a lot more than what we all thought it had. I also have been through the reclusive, depression, anxiety panic attacks for the last 3 years. I'm on medication and also seeing a therapist. She is teaching me to claim my power, allow myself to be happy and quit sending negative thoughts to my body.

I will not go to the grocery store, wal-mart, or just about anywhere after dark unless Steve is with me. Call me paranoid, call me a chicken, I would rather be safe than sorry.

Sherri

We're talking about our fears as if they are unreasoning or phobic. It seems as if we feel they are abnornal.
But every day the evening news proves them to be perfectly reasonable. In fact, they may the only sensible response to a world full of danger.
Ordinary people with ordinary lives are being raped, robbed, maimed, and murdered for no apparent reason. And it seems to happen every day.
Some fears are normal. Fear protects us. Maybe we are cautious because we need to be. Maybe it's a part of our survival instinct.
I wonder how long our so-called civilization can survive this kind of stress, but I don't know how we can avoid it.
It's a scary world.
smile

[ March 28, 2005, 01:45 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Lion, I agree with smile. You've had lots going on these past few weeks and I think it's taken it's toll on you. You WILL feel better when your family is home safe and sound.

Just witnessing that accident throws your mortality and the mortality of loved ones in your face. After losing Robert you know the pain of missing a loved one. The thought of losing another loved one can be terrifying.

However, the longer you cultivate negative thoughts, the harder it is to rid yourself of them. I agree that you should try to find someone to talk with. They can help you regain more rational, positive thoughts. It can be done. With help your mind won't stay like this forever.

After I experienced a car wreck, I was a wreck. I didn't want my kids getting in cars with others, but I had to let them go because I couldn't drive. The first time I was on the beltway with my husband driving, I didn't nothing but sigh and gasp. I thought everyoen was going to hit us. My doctor helped me put my thoughts in perspective. He also prescribed an antidepressant.

Please know I am praying for you. Also praying for a safe return of your family/my family! Lion's son married my niece!