A woman who is a friend of a friend has been calling me and we are going to do something together tomorrow evening. I've known her for about 5 years, but I have kept her at arm's length because she is an alcoholic and has not admitted it to herself. She was calling me before, sometimes very late in the evening and I could barely understand her words.

I'm just not sure I want to get involved, but if I think someone needs to be honest with her in a gentle way. I don't want to turn my back, either.

I'm sure there are some who are in recovery or have someone close to you who is. What helped you face the truth? I am interested in hearing your thoughts on how I can help her in a way that would be healthy for both of us.

Daisygirl

Daisygirl....I have a very wonderful woman in my life who is recovering alcoholic. My father and fatherinlaw both died because they were alcoholics. I don't drink. Never have. My friend went thru hell before she finally realized she needed help. She lost her husband to divorce, broke her hip, and leg at different times and had no insurance to cover her stays in the hospital and nursing homes because she had no one at home to care for her. Her son's disowned her, and to this day won't speak to her or even write a letter. She can't work because her hands shake so bad when she tries to fill out a job application. She now lives in the same town with her parents, a long way from here, and will be applying for housing for the low income because she has had to use most of her money for her injuries, etc. She refuses to ask her parents for help. I did nothing to try to help her. When she would call me late at nite, I would tell her I couldn't talk to her at that time, but when she was sober I would talk to her because she wouldn't remember what we talked about anyway when she was drunk. I guess what I'm trying to say, is your friend needs to want to get help. There isn't anything you can do for her. I really wish you could.
Lynne

Lynne has said it so well Daisy. My husband finally 'quit drinking' through AA. But AA is a whole program, a way of life. It goes beyond just admitting part of step one. For him, and maybe for most others, alcohal was a means of hiding or not dealing with other issues. By the time he joined AA, i didn't care if he quit or not, i just wanted out. But... 'he's joined AA, you cant leave now' everyone said. He quit drinking, but it took a certain incident 25 years later, and months after that before he realized the distrust and inner anger he carried,was no longer necessary.

I realize she has to want help, but I guess I'm just unsure of where to draw the line. Lynne, you answered when you said you wouldn't talk to your friend unless she was sober.

Ah, the old "drink and dial" thing. My ex has been an alcoholic for years and was doing this to my oldest daughter. She was afraid to tell him to stop calling, drunk. He finally wore down and stopped.

This woman sounds like she's almost beyond helping. Plus, she has to want the help and it doesn't sound like she does. I would stop answering the late night calls, unplug the phone so it doesn't wake you. She isn't your responsibility.

My best friend is an alcoholic and I will speak to him any time, drunk or sober. He knows I don't approve of the drinking so speaking with him doesn't mean I'm condoning it. Our friends need us to love them, unconditionally, drunk or sober. It is also important that they don't feel alone in the world. I think sometimes, they need to speak to people who are not alcoholics (especially if they're in AA).

Bluebird, that is just like you to have a wise kind answer. All the answers here are good ones but I have to agree on not answering the phone late at night. These calls probably upset you a little and make it hard to sleep as you think about the conversation in your mind after you've hung up. Eventually it will wear on your nerves too Daisygirl but I understand you not wanting to totally put her off. Just do what you can and hope she decides she's ready to heal herself.

My friend has never called later than 10 pm. And that was only once.
It is hard, though, having a friend wo always seems to be making their life worse and worse. You feel so helpless.

I have no alcoholic friends they couldn't stand my preaching after awhile and left me for greener accepting pastures. I alway unplug my phone at night once I am done working so I can get much needed rest and you never know, here in Las Vegas (drunkland) people get stupid drunk and dial wrong numbers, sheesh its a menace.

I'd like to add that by letting her call you at night it's giving her the "green light" that you are okay with it. Once she sees she can't get through she'll get the message that it's not okay.