I wholeheartedly agree with Vicki, Di and Chatty Lady. My soon-to-be-ex was never much on romance from the git go, even when we were dating. He was also vehemently opposed to acknowledging or celebrating anniversaries, birthdays, holidays graduations and special occassions of any kind. I blamed his mother, who proudly considered herself the "anti-hallmark moment" woman of the era. (Personally I think she did a great disservice to her son). In any case, he thought it was all great foolishness but seemed to make an effort to tolerate my sentimentality for a while. It slowly got worse and worse, and eventually he really resented me since he was convinced that I was trying to make him feel like there was something wrong with him for being so detached. He belittled my need for romance and tried to make me feel foolish for wanting/needing it at all.

I thought that if I loved him enough it would transform him and he would compromise just as I compromised about many things that pleased him. This never happened. People don't change because you want them to. They've got to want to change on their own. Sorry - but I say - don't do it! You're asking for trouble!

Susana- don't settle- let this time be the right time with a man who puts the stars in your eyes
I know there are men who are loving and romantic, sensitive and verbal- I found mine- fairytales do come true
Like you said- you have all the other stuff on your own- I vote for finding yourself a prince!!!

Well said, Pattyann.

I agree. Speaking for myself, I "sold out" on certain things. Granted, my DH is wonderful and all my friends are envious, but there is still that "little something" missing.

I also know that no one is perfect. However, since you did post here, it seems you are having second thoughts. You are engaged I presume? Much cheaper and less on the emotions if you do not marry if it "feels" like something is already missing.

Not sure I could have taken heed to my own advice, but this is what I think.

Well...today is a new day. Yesterday Mark and I took about 2 hours to discuss how I felt, his response, and so on. We prayed before we talked and that REALLY helped keep us on the right path and mindset. What we uncovered is that Mark has been playing his emotional cards close to his heart for fear of being hurt again - and he didn't even know it until we talked. He had tried sooooo very hard to make his marriage work but his wife left him and it truly crushed his spirit. Although he's been recovering for about 6 years, yesterday he uncovered a new layer to lift. The most crushing thing about what he experienced is that she actually left him for a female -- ouch.

After that we cried, he held me, made me feel so much better, kissed my tears away and today I'm a new woman. He can be extremely romantic, kind and sensitive - and he was all of those things yesterday. Moreover, he's committed to ongoing change and opening up more to me. We still need more time, and plan to enter pre-marriage counseling, but I sure felt better now.

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and words. They really helped a lot.

Boomer prayers are the best! I'm very happy for you, Susanna!!

Aaaawwwwww.......it looks like he's a good guy through and through. Give it time though Susanna!

Daisygirl

Wow! This made my day!
But......Daisygirl is right.
Give it some time.
Lynne

I wish you the very best of luck! Hope this all works out for you just the way you want it...

foundhervoice-atlast

This is why communication is key in all relationships. Had you not taken time to discuss this, I wonder how much longer you would have lived with the anguish. I'm happy for you.

Before we married, a prominent divorce lawyer (my FIL) talked to us about how skeptical he was of marriages because all he did was deal with divorce. It was by no means an encouraging chat. However, he told us that communication was almost always the missing piece when he counseled couples. He was often amazed to hear couples share their reasons for divorce with one another for the very first time when speaking with him. Ridiculous huh?

Oh Susanna, fantastic, lets hope it all works out for the two of you. I hope he knows how lucky he is to have a woman that is so loving, generous and patient as you. It sometimes takes many small steps and he seems to have taken the first one.

[ December 21, 2005, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]