Survivor September 4, 2004



When you face rejection and pain
Feel you have nothing to gain
Remember: You are a survivor

When stress bogs you down
Life brings nothing but a frown
Remember: You are a survivor

With no support group in sight
All looks bleak as night
Remember: You are a survivor

You life will no longer be torn
There’s hope for the morn
Remember: You are a survivor

When things go horribly wrong
Coming through will make you strong
Remember: You are a survivor

Dear Sherri, it truly means a great deal to me that you have entered this discussion. I know how much courage it takes to do this. It can be very scary to let others know both of our secrets and our pain. Plus, as you mention, there is the fear of old memories resurfacing. Sometimes, though, talking about it—at least for me—can remove some of the power of the memories, so I hope this is true for you.

In terms of your question, yes, I, too, always felt as if I had this mark on my forehead. I mean, I felt as if my body would, in some way, show what was happening to me. So I can totally relate to what you say. I think, for me, since I felt that way inside (emotionally)—that I was “unclean”— I felt as if this feeling was being projected outside. Of course now I know that it was my father who should have felt “unclean,” not me. After all, I was just a little girl. But it took me quite a few years in therapy to reach this understanding.

Thank you, too, for sharing such a powerful and heartfelt poem. I love how you repeat the line “Remember, you are a survivor” at the end of each stanza, so that you can emphasize your message. It seems as if you, too, have found that writing helps in the recovery. I always feel emotionally “lighter” after writing; I hope you do, too. Again, thank you so much for sharing some of your story, both through your post and your poem. I know it definitely helps me to know I’m not alone. Sue

Sue, what book do you recommend that would be helpful for one writing a memoir?

Hi, Dotsie, good question! Below, is a short list of some books that I (and my students) find particularly helpful. In addition to reading “how to write” books, I’d like to share with all of you my “creative nonfiction reading list,” which is posted on the University of Iowa’s website: http://www.english.uiowa.edu/nonfiction/readinglist.html. (I don’t teach at Iowa, but they’re using my list!) This list is divided by subject matter, since memoirs and essays can cover such a wide range.

Here are the “how to” books:

Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones
Vivian Gornick, The Situation and the Story
Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird
Rebecca McClanahan, Write Your Heart Out
Bill Roorbach, Writing Life Stories: How to Make Memories into Memoirs
Mimi Schwartz, Writing True
Gayle Brandeis, Fruitflesh: Seeds of Inspiration for Women Who Write

Sue,
This very helpful for me. Would you suggest BillRoorbach book Writing Life Stories: How to Make Memories into Memoirs for me. ? I will check Borders here In MD .
What is a good publisher to use ? I forget to ask you that earlier.

Thank You Sue!

[ February 13, 2006, 01:21 PM: Message edited by: Renee ]

Hi, Renee, yes, the Roorbach book is excellent! I would definitely recommend it. One way to research publishers is to use the book "The Literary Marketplace," available in the reference department at virtually all libraries. This book also lists agents. What’s good about this book is that it’ll give you some idea as to the kinds of things they publish. (For example, if you are interested in pursuing feminist presses, you'd be able to determine who publishes in this category.)

Some things to think about: Do you want to try to publish your book with a big New York publisher, or a university press, or a small publisher? There are advantages to each. For a New York publisher, you’ll need an agent, but you’ll get more money. In terms of small presses and university presses, you’ll probably get more individual attention but less money in terms of an advance (although I have NO complaints with any of my publishers, so have been very lucky).

Additional ways to research publishers/agents: an online resource to find an agent is www.agentsource.com. And, if you are interested in smaller presses, you might also want to get ahold of "The International Directory of Little Magazines and Small Presses," published by Dustbooks (P.O. Box 100, Paradise, CA 95967). I think this book lists by category, so you’d be able to find feminist presses rather easily, if that’s the way you might want to go. Another place to look is the magazine “Poets & Writers.” (You can find hard copies in bookstores and they also have a website.) Look at their ads; read some of their articles, as they provide a lot of information about publishing, as well as writing contests that you might enter. Also, of course, see who publishes some of your favorite memoirs. I hope this helps you some. I guess the good news AND the bad news is that there are, literally, thousands of publishers. So many, many options, but it might seem daunting to get started. But once you start making initial decisions, it'll get easier! Sue

Hello Sue, I have been away tending to family needs since my nephew's death. So sad. My nephew was a musical and science genius. He shared his gifts with joy. I'm trying to think of a way to ask you a question. Pardon me, but I am not having my most articulate moment. You can see from my signature what my focus has been since 2003. It seems that my whole life was leading to telling my story via my book. As I progressed in my healing, I felt responsible to help others heal. Recently someone told me that I am responsible only for my own healing, and that I do not owe society anything else. Also, surrounding myself with trauma by being a victim advocate and doing presentations on SA and DV does not bring me joy! I am suddenly aware that I have continued to identify myself with trauma by being a victim advocate and talking about trauma. I am having a sudden shift in the aftermath of my nephew's life and death. I want more joy! I am thinking I may resign from my advocacy positions and just paint watercolors! I find joy in writing, so writing my breast can memoir isn't so traumatic. But constantly talking about SA, DV, and incest is not joyful work. How do you find joy in your work? How do you remove yourself from the identity of a victim (or do you?) Have you ever considered this? I'll hit Add Reply before I

Lynnie,
Maybe you are growing past the victim label. I think that is wise. I refuse to identify myself as a victim of anything. In far too many cases, I was a willing participant in what I later came to realize was abuse.

I also refuse to be identified as a survivor. I dislike labels of any kind and I think identifying myself as a victim only invites continued victimization.

Sue, I clicked the agent site in your post and it retrieves a real estate agent locator. Could you check it out?

Thanks.

smile

Hi Smile, thanks for the reply. I am a survivor, and I think of that word as a description rather than a label. I don't identify myself as a victim, but I do too many victim related activities. I guess I am tired of trauma. I felt a sense of responsiblity to fix it for others as well. Maybe that's why I wanted to be a psychiatrist when I was 15. I wanted to fix my father. I guess I extended that fix-it fantasy a bit too far! I can only fix myself. And I guess I can send myself a bill and call it a day! Love and Light, Lynn

Hi, Lynne, I’m so sorry to learn about your nephew. What a sad, sad loss. And it sounds as if you are questioning a few things in your life right now. Which I’ve always felt was healthy—for ALL of us, everyone—I mean.

But, to answer your question: I guess I mainly define myself as a writer—and, for me, it is the writing that brings me the most joy in my life (even when I’m having a bad writing day). So, if anything, I guess I see myself as an advocate of the written word because it is through my writing that I meet other women. So I advocate the power of women’s stories, our voices. Yet, on an emotional level, my main focus is on the writing process itself--writing is spiritual, centering, makes me know I am alive. I hope I’m answering your question? I guess what I’m saying is that I think this is such an important insight on your part, that it is time for you to seek joy! What a powerful decision! Sue