MsDiana and others,

My heart goes out to all of you. As many of you know, my marriage has often been the e-ticket to hell. For those of you who are newer, read my poems in Our Voices under marriage, which will tell you a lot.

I've never gone onto the whole story here, partially because, like MsDiana, I've done everything I could and have moved on emotionally, even if physically living in the same house.

Sometimes you just have to find your own strength, and leave their sh-t behind. There's only so much you can do. At a certain point, they need to help themself, and if they don't, you need to walk.

meredith, i couldn't find your poems; i'm figuring i'm looking in the wrong places...could you post the links as i'd really like to read them...

i was digging through some stuff in an attempt to clean up (i love to throw things away when i'm stressed!) and i ran across a few of my poems...this one (follows) hit me hard...it was written many years ago...i should've read my own work more intently...while this particular piece is more about his passive/aggressive mayhem (something else i overlooked), it seems to have forecasted what i would eventually experience from him, a complete shutdown of all affection...

has anyone else experienced that -- reading back on old writing and thinking "how did my writing know but i didn't?"...and yet, it was me writing...


tranquility's last hour

The silence of your love does beckon me.
It whispers always softer, I barely hear it speak

The quiet of your heartbeat asks of me
To keep the peaceful quiet and not disturb its beat.

The calm of all your life suggests to mine
Let boiling water simmer; wake not the sleeping mind.

The stillness of embrace when in your arms
Does capture and imprison the freedom of my charms.

So resting is your body on my own
I feel trapped beneath you, confined in my own home.

I fear the hush of your existence and
The gentle crucifixion of my once loving hand.

What lies beneath the stillness of your soul?
Is this what I am kept for... inevitable boil?

What expectations have you of me now
That I should stay and witness tranquility's last hour?

msdiana, I have definitely experienced what you are talking about. It's crazy, isn't it? I have read old journals and siad, "I wrote that!"

Powerful poetry. Are you still writing?

You will love Meredith's work. Here are the links. You'll have to cut and paste.

http://www.boomerwomenspeak.com/stories/first-strange.html

http://www.boomerwomenspeak.com/stories/first-frost.html

http://www.boomerwomenspeak.com/stories/first-bed.html

oh my god meredith...all i could do was sip at my coffee and stare at your words...i could've written them if i weren't such a ho' for rhyme -- something in my life has to have rhythm...

dotsie, i've been writing for blogcritics.org and i'll always write poetry, although i don't share that often...it's funny how no matter how much one practices, the 16 yr old lovelorn girl still manages to spring forth once in a while and pour out things like "a shadow cast by her weary heart lay helplessly on the ground"...eww...

alas, the older person takes the wheel and still doesn't drive much better...i blew the dust off this one while i was cleaning:

what i won't do

I buy your affection in increments so small
I buy what I can if you're selling at all
The price be my dignity, maybe my pride
A fortune I've paid for you by my side
The haggling continues and into the night
If I don't pay plenty you withhold the prize
"I have no money, can you spare a dime?"
I wait while you ponder the worth of your time
In sickness and health, I panhandle for love
For richer, for poorer, for want of one love

MsDiana, I feel the pain so elequently shared in your poetry. I too have paid the price in dignity and then having to panhandle for the emotions that never came my way was more than I could bear so the union ended in dissapointment, sorrow and finally hatred. I hope your journey into unfullfillment ends better than my own did. I did the best thing for my own psychie and that was to move on and get happy!!!

oh chatty i hope so too...i don't want all the hatred...it almost ate me alive the first time i divorced...i hope so much that i learned enough from the last time to at least guide myself a little better through this time...

i was talking with my sister and in the course of my conversation realized that i am a 43 yr old woman married to a 45 yr old man that a 26 yr picked out...i wouldn't have a 26 yr old pick my mate now so i think i'm going to start with being a nicer and more forgiving person of the 26 yr old that did pick this man...she had different needs than i do now, saw different things than i see now...
we all say we did what we thought was right at the time, and i did, but i wonder how much thought we give to who we were and that who we were is still with us...

Dotsie, thanks for printing the links.

MsDiana, to rhyme or not is a personal choice. There's good rhyming poetry and bad rhyme, good free verse and horrible free verse. It's about finding your voice, which you definitely have done. Your poems are beautifully expressed.

Our writing, especially poetry, is like a grieving process -- for what once was, for what never really was, for what could've been.

From moi, again:

Poetry is the friend who comforts me
when no one is there
to hold me when I cry.

Thank you, suzieq. Unfortunately my hyst and my HRT's have NOT removed my libido.

But you are right. Trying every "trick in the book" just does not cut it. We go on again/off again as well. I think this time it must be, at least 6-9 months. Feels like I'm re-virginated!!

And yes.....when I, too, look the other way, I see a man who is lovely and loves me unconditionally......and does not hold back from saying so. I just wish it were "showing" me so!!

Hi all, entering the conversation a bit late,,,i agree with Dotsie and those of you who say..dont be subtle. Men communicate very concretely and dont read minds (women do) so dont assume men want to be treated or talked as we do....Be direct. Tell him what you want in very direct terms..remind him of times you have had together..Don't apologize...
Women and men both have significant body changes at midlife...not easy for any of us...putting it under the carpet doesnt work...
Good luck!

in Adventure,

Jenn