I heard a strange comment last week at church. I was helping set up for a luncheon with a half dozen other women and over heard a man say to the others, referring to me, "Watch out for that one, she looks at you like she can see right through you, its unnerving." I've been told that before and you know what, sometimes I can and thats why I will probably always stay single...

I'm sure I do sound obsessed. It's just that I thought this was a forum where I could bring up this topic and discuss it, and I assumed that if no one wanted to discuss it, they'd just not comment. (I don't know all that much about message boards and blogs, and know nothing at all about instant messaging. I spend all my Internet time reading articles instead of posting comments. So I'm a bit green with this!)

Here's the deal: I'm trying to expand my horizons. The "living alone and being independent" thing is a "been there, done that" thing for me. I've done that most of my life and am comfortable being alone (probably too comfortable). I tend to err on the side of not worrying about not dating and thus not making any efforts. I'm so used to thinking of myself as going through life solo, taking care only of myself, that I don't feel challenged. I don't feel "desperate" to get married; I've accepted that I won't be a mother (having already "paused"). But I think a life that is bereft of an intimate relationship is not a fully lived one. If I had been married and gotten divorced, I'm sure I'd appreciate all the great things that living alone can bring. But I'm not coming at this from a viewpoint of a woman who has had her share of relationships. I had a few short-term boyfriends in the highschool and college years, dated a few times as an adult, and, sadly, tended to "give up" when I'd get rejected numerous times. On the plus side, I have been pretty good about calling it quits when men I've been with who have not treated me respectfully or who have had serious commitment issues.

I'm sure I could use guidance with how to dress. I agree that, like it or not, men respond visually, and I know I've fallen into the trap of dressing for comfort (and to hide my excess weight). I'm happy to report that I've been very successful the past few months in changing my attitude about food and exercise and have instituted new habits that have resulted in weight loss. It'll take time to get all the weight off (I have 40 more pounds to lose) in a healthful way, but I will.

I'm anxious to get this show on the road! I've been hibernating for several years now, in a defeatist frame of mind after too many rejections by men in the past. When I go out with friends I actually am just thinking about the fun I'm having at the moment with my friends, and I am never even considering that I should be "looking for men."

I took a glorious long walk this evening in a park and, as I often feel, was happy just to be alive and healthy and enjoying the walk. I decided to look at people as I passed them, and smiled at some of them as well. They smiled back. So I think I need to get in the habit of expressing the good things I feel inside. I 've tended to probably schlump around a bit, like a loner, head ducked, etc. No more.

I know as I write this that so many people have faced and conquered so many horrendous obstacles in their life. I know what I'm talking about is nothing, simply nothing, compared with the problems of others.

Thanks for letting me ramble on. I appreciate all the advice. I agree we shouldn't dress like our mothers. Does anyone ever watch that hilarious makeover show on TLC called "What Not to Wear"? I should take some of their advice and dress like a woman instead of like a nondescript person who is hiding her body.

Best wishes to all of you ladies.

I think you explain yourself, your feelings, and your outlook beautifully. And I think you should follow your dream, desire, or whatever you chose to call it, of having a partner to share things with. Your post also gives me the feeling that you're ready to move on to the next chapter in your life and are open to changes, if necessary.

Personally, I think you should be patting yourself on the back. It sounds like you have it going on.

Girlfriend, there will always be people who go through worse things than some of our own problems, but that doesn't make your post or discussion any less valuable. Please feel free to express yourself here.

I can only hope that our feedback aids you in some way. It's so hard to "hear" the love coming through sometimes, isn't it? It may sound more like preaching but please know we are here to connect, share, and encourage.

I watch the show you're referring to sometimes. It's a hoot. Those girls get all over the person, don't they? I would die if they showed up at my door!

Good luck with your quest. My best, JJ

I've never really had a weight problem but did pack on about 17 lbs once and I didn't feel very good about myself and it really showed in my personality. I noticed that I "hid" my smile and everything else as I tried to hide my fat! Sad but true. It was difficult for me to feel good in anything I wore when it just didn't fit good or I had to dress to cover. I felt like my mother then! (I have mom issues Mine let herself get fat later in life). I also blew off compliments because I didn't really believe anyone could mean them. Sad.

Something that I do as far as picking out age-appropriate clothing is this: I go through magazines and look for articles on women my age and look at what they are wearing and find a cheaper version of it. Marie Claire is great for having a splurge or steal section on clothes and make up. I don't like to show my arms so I'm always looking for outfits that cover. It's hard to find them too!

I understand about being in a place where you want companionship, romance or just company. I think it happens as we settle in and get comfortable. It's a natural part of life.

Good morning, JJ & Dianne. Thanks so much for your kind words and support. I just posted a rambly note on the health forum in an attempt to give back (in response to someone needing help with weight loss). I hope I can give back more, as I have gotten so much help these past couple days.

I had to chuckle over the "mom" comments. I've had a running conversation with a cousin about the perils of dressing like mom (hers, mine, anyone's). In her case, she thought her mom dressed TOO young and looked foolish, and she thought she'd emulated that. She went through a "black and beige" period, no accessories, no frills, in an attempt to dress tastefully and maturely rather than age-inappropriately. That didn't last long, 'cause, like her mom, she just loves the bright colors and big, fun earrings, etc. (think Rue McClanahan's character on The Golden Girls & you get the picture).

I've picked up some good tips from that What Not to Wear Show, such as not hiding under over-long tent-like blouses. Summertime sure does bring challenges, doesn't it. I know what you mean about the arms. I haven't shown mine in years. My summer uniform has been light-weight pants, a sleeveless tank or T-shirt, and, an oversized short-sleeved blouse. Lovely. Just lovely... (ha ha) This summer I hope to shed some of the "armor" and god forbid, maybe show an arm or two, or even wear a dress again. I have had a hard time shaking the notion (which apparently is wrong) that even though I can't hide my size or my girth under a tent-like blouse, at least the bumps and bulges won't be visible. Being short and short legged as well as short of hair (it's genetic--all the gals in my family have thin, fine hair that just doesn't grow out nicely so we have to keep it cropped in a bob or shorter), you can imagine how unattractive my overall silhouette is---at least for someone wanting a date. Of course it should not prevent me from smiling and being and acting happy and friendly, and I will endeavor not to let it.
Dressing as I have these past years to hide my excess weight, whether it's been 10 or 15 pounds or the horrific 50 (see my post under the health category), has actually translated to dressing decidedly un-feminine. Un-datable is an understatement.

I like the idea of checking out catalgs to see what looks right on women my age. And thanks for the clothing company sites and stores.

I think you ladies are loaded with sage advice and practical tips as well as a generous spirit. I'm glad to have "met" you. Have a great day, everyone!

I hired someone to "dress" me! I am hopeless! Granted it was for business attire and I am way overweight, but the clothes make me feel good and want to kick up my heels!

Good luck!

lateblooming, what a great topic you've started here. I'm glad to hear you are getting some support from all the wise, warm and witty BWS women. We really aim to please and help.

I can't run away without mentioning soemthing that struck me while reading this topic.

Boomer women are pioneers in our own right. We are brave, courageous and more independent than any other generation of women before us...but why do we care so much about our looks? Oh how I wish we could dump that, or should I say...I could dump that.

I was at a family wedding this weekend. The place we stayed had a pool. I ventured up in my suit thinking about my cellulite. Sick, isn't it, that I wasn't thinking about hanging out and having a good time by the pool. I eventually got around to that, but when I got up to get in the pool, all the cellulite thoughts entered again. Why do I care? Why do we care?

lateblooming, I think yo are on the right track. Keep flashing those smiles and let the world know how you feel on the inside. I'm one of your new cheerleaders.

Oh, and if you want to read another great story about meeting and marrying at midlife, go to this link:

http://www.boomerwomenspeak.com/stories/take-lucky.html

It's called Luck Charm and I absolutely love it. You'll fall in love with this author.

As much as I would like to take credit for the story, it isn't mine. I don't know how the name got on there...but it sure gave me a laugh...

me? married? and with kids in law school? HA!

Yuhooo...Dotsssss....I think we have a boo boo...

JJ

JJ's name ended up on one of my stories too. Hmmm.

Dots, we care that other people care. I think it begins when we're teens and maybe see a middle age woman at a pool and she's overweight and has "ripply" legs and we joke or make comments with our friends (if we're of that nature)or we simply hear others making remarks, never realizing that someday we might be the one the teens are joking about. Then, it happens and history repeats itself with us as the victim and it isn't fun. We're covering ourselves just in case we're the subject of comments or repulsion. If we were alone by a pool, we wouldn't care what we looked like.

There is ego. It can be good or bad. I think if we're engrossed with our looks and anal about everything we put into our mouth or how we look all the time, it isn't healthy and to be ego-driven isn't a good thing. But, I think we need a certain amount of good ego to keep us fit and not looking like something that came out of the local circus. It's caring about us.

I have found it's easier to face the world with a smile if I feel good about myself. Maybe it's because I'm healthier and happier?

I recently bought the Total Gym for our home. When not in use, it stores under the bed. I really like it and it gives me a great workout. I'm sore today from "uping" my resistance yesterday. I can and will get these old arms back in shape! At least for Summer!

Lateblooming...I had a male friend say something to me many years ago that has never left my mind. He asked, "Di, why do women who reach middle age always start dressing like their mothers and cutting their hair in menopausal styles?" I guess I don't pay that much attention because I hadn't noticed until he asked that question but he was right.

You said you have thin hair but mentioned a bob and that is a style that will never go out of style and I think very flattering. Now, I'll hop over to the health forum.

Diane,
I think you are right on here.
I know that one of my "character defects" that I am struggling with right now is the need to compare -- especially when it comes to body image.

I look at someone with more weight than myself and -- zip -- I think, "well, at least I'm not THAT fat." Or some young thing -- zip -- "I wish I looked like her."

Comparing puts me in a one-down or one-up position. It is an ego thing. Yick! I really don't like doing it and am working really hard to avoid it and only compare myself (in positive ways) if I have to to where I was yesterday. So, if I can stretch a little further during my leg stretches - zip -- YEA me!