Kate, you sound as if you are in a healthy place to me with your emotions and if that is what it took to bring you to this point, then good for you gal! I think alot of people aren't smart enough to work thru it all like you have...

My best, JJ

kate, thanks for coming back. Your mention of letting your guard down some seems to be someting many boomer women are experiencing. I think you have been so protective of yourself and three children for the past ten years that it's hard to switch gears. But remember, that was a mechanism that was needed at the time. Now maybe it's time to step out a little. How are are your children?

This post made me go back in time and try to think of one old boyfriend I'd like to see again. None, zilch, zero. I've been able to email and correspond through my high school website and that's fine but when I get an old flame trying to contact me, I don't answer. You can always tell when they want to reconnect for other reasons beside friendship, right?

I think you have a grip on this. Sounds like you just had to work through it.

Yes, I have spent many years working on my issues but mainly being there for my children. Two are doing really well 12 and 13 the eldest is 20 and has been a drug addict for the past five years. I have been going through hell doing the tough love thing on my own, trying not to enable, in and out of counselling etc. This is a very long story. The good thing is he has been to a couple of treatment centres in the past few months and is trying to stay off the drugs. It's a tough habit to beat. Up until five months ago I would drive around downtown looking for him and take him to detox or the hospital. He was going down hill fast and I saw the danger signs. Fortunatly for me most times he agreed to go with me. The hospitals don't do much even though at times he could hardly walk. He was also affected by the unhealthy marriage. My other two were very young when I left. They are well adjusted, do well in school and are involved in sports, music programs etc. I did take them to counselling in the early years too. They don't remember us as a 'family' (with my husband)
As for trust issues I do have them and the door has been totally closed in the men department. I needed to do alot of counselling and soul searching myself before even thinking about getting involved with another man. I did not trust myself and I am a care -taker by nature and am prone to taking on fixer upper type men. As I've learned that is only a way to avoid working on myself. I'm fairly healthy now but am aware that I can still attract the wrong type of man. I think that is why I went into the past to try to figure out how I married an abusive husband and why I stayed so long. Going back and looking at past relationships before I was married have given me some clues as to the choices I have made. The biggest problem has been that I was sexually abused by a trusted neighbor and in my later teen years I allowed men to use and abuse me. The tragedy for my eldest son is he was also sexually abused by a baseball coach when he was 8.
He also has severe ADD and was not accepted at school. He was teased, has alot of pain and because he wasn't accepted by his peers (did not fit in)he turned to drugs and alcohol. His dad turned his back on him which is so sad as he too was an alcoholic and could have really helped him. My son resents his father and doesn't know what to do with his anger and resentment. He is getting help for that too. I think he will be ok as he has a good heart but the road ahead for him will not be an easy one. My counselling has taught me that only he can change and I am working on treating him like an adult rather than a child. Now I try to empower him by letting him know he can do it rather than always treating him like he is helpless. We have come along way.
Thanks for asking about my children. I plan to step out more and try to take care of me.

Hello Kate, I am so sorry for what you and your children have been through. I'm glad to hear the younger children are doing okay. What can I say about your older son? I was him when I was 20. Sexual abuse can do that to a person. You have great insight, such as how tending to others is one way of avoiding your self, and how the pattern of abuse begins when one is abused in childhood. You might be interested in the interviews conducted on www.worldtalkradio.com on Wednesdays during the Breaking the Silence segment. This is an internet access "radio" show where authors, speakers, survivors, advocates talk about abuse and its ramifications. Funny, when I finished that sentence I realized that is all of me: author, speaker, survivor, advocate...Please feel free to PM me if/when you want. One thing I can say is that my mother and step father gave up on me, and I did all the work for my healing by myself. I can tell you will never give up on your son. I wish you and your children lots of love and light, Lynn

Kate, The only reason I can begin to imagine what you've gone through and continue to go through is from having read Lynn's book (Beyond the Tears). My heart aches for the harsh roads you've traveled, and so much of it on your own. I can understand your need to go back to the past to find clues and closure...that was my need too, but I didn't go about it nearly as thoughtfully as you did.

I hope that one of the ways that you plan to "step out more and try to take care of me" is to continue to come here and find safe respite and listening hearts that care. The one thing we're all learning here is how much we're enriched and blessed by the unique light of experienced wisdom and hard-won insight each one of us shines into this sisterhood...I look forward to more glimpses of Kate.

This is sooo strange. I just joined this forum today because of feeling stuck on past loves. I have been single along time (10+ years) but I still remain very good friends with a sister of an old boyfriend. This week she had sent out an e-mail to her family and friends with good news concerning a health issue with her children. I was thrilled to hear the news but somehow I starting getting all her replies (she comes from a VERY large family) I was strange to get all kinds of emails from brothers and sisters and neices...I think it made me sad because he was really the road not taken for me. We were very young and immature. We have remained friends, not close but friends. He's married and has been for 15 years, his wife is a sweetheart and always very kind to me. To make a long story short he called me TODAY, of all days. Just to talk. It was nice to hear from him but in the back of my head I thought of the responses I had read earlier about contacting old loves because we knew they loved us once. I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel like this post helped me to keep it in perspective and not go to some fanasty place with it. He is very happily married and I am just glad we are able to be friends. It is nice to know someone who knew me when I was young (and stupid)it helps me connect to that part of my life. Thank you for just letting me blab..I will definatley be checking back in for more inspiration and support! Pam

God Bless you Pampam for using good common sense and remaining only friends with this man. We here are all always very happy when something we've written inspires or guides someone to do the right thing, you have shown yourself to be of high moral character. If you are meant to have love from a man once again, he will materalize when least expected....

Hi. I love the way Eagle writes: "by the unique light of experienced wisdom and hard-won insight each one of us shines into this sisterhood" Eagle, we are so enriched by your posts, insights, sharing, relating, and caring! Luv U! PamPam, isn't that some coincidence that you started reading here and the phone calls were coming in! I like what you said about hearing from him helps you connect with that part of my life. I'll be in New England (Vermont) in August. Love and Light, Lynn

I think the end of a relationship results in a grief reaction much like a death. And as in a death, we need closure in some way. The funeral can be a closure and sometimes there are other ways such as memorial services, but for a lost relationship, culture offers no closure.

Maybe these harmless meetings are a going back that is a form of closure only longed for in the death of a loved one. How many of us wouldn't go back to meet a loved one lost to death jues to say goodbye. Maybe these reunions are truly harmless and something we need to put it all behind up and move on.

I have a whole different story to tell about a love that was never lost and never died even at the death of the lover, It's a tragic story but I'm not ready to talk yet. Maybe later.

We all have to do what we have to do to survive. And as boomers, we can only protect the wife sister who did not post, but needs our love and we also have to support the boomer who has the guts to post. Not easy.
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