Yes, I know I need to be happy and to lead my life......... I just need to summon up the courage to deal with the hurt that I will inflict on my kids and my husband because he lives in a fantasy world where everything is just great.......... not sure what marriage hes in but its not the same one i'm in.......
But you are right chatty.......... we only have one life

I left my marriage after 15 years in and wish I had left when I first felt that nagging feeling that I didn't love my husband anymore. Although I choose not to live with regrets, you owe it to yourself to search deep inside and find your answer before wasting any more years. Yes you only have one life and it's way too short. When I can't make up my mind I do one of two things or both, I pretend my friend is telling me the same story and try to put myself in her shoes, this helps me to see my situation from another point of view. Then I write a list pros and cons, the list is very telling. It almost jumps off the page. I hope you try this and find answers to your situation. Remember you will have to hurt your husband if you do leave. There is no way around that, but if you don't love him now, you are still hurting him and yourself by staying.
I wish you well.
Kate

Thanks Kate

Thank you to all the wonderful women who have responded. It helps. It really does. I will keep you all posted as to my decisions and progress

Honey Sue, I feel for you. I was in a similar situation some years back. It took me several years to “make the decision.” The early years were good, but things changed to being “all about him” with little or no compromise. After my mother died he had what I call a “mid life crisis,” realizing that life was too short, yadda yadda. He was unhappy at work, so he quit his job to start his own business (causing financial problems because even though our income had decreased, his spending didn’t change. And he loved expensive, name-brand items and electronics). Then he started hanging around with a younger, single crowd which I’m sure didn’t help either (making him think he was “missing out” on life because he was married/tied down). The little time that he did spend at home was spent in front of the tv. He wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t visit family and friends. He had mentally “checked out” of the marriage. There was never any emotional support available for me during that trying time. He told me one night, when I asked him to stay home and have dinner with me for a change, that I was just jealous because he was having a good time with his friends and that I wanted to “hold him back.”

The end came soon after when I finally realized that I didn’t love him anymore and that I didn’t want to “work on it.” I’d had enough. All this to say, the hardest part for me was actually “making” the decision. After that the rest, although not painless by any means, wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.

When I left, at first he was upset about it. I guess he never really thought I’d take such drastic action. There were tears on both sides, and he wanted me to come back home. But every time I seriously thought about moving back in with him, I’d get physically sick at the thought.

Only you can decide what is best for you. Stay if you think it can be salvaged and you can be happy in the relationship. Some relationships are revitalized when both people realize what they stand to lose. Go if you feel that nothing is going to change. Because as Chatty and others have said (and I agree), life is too short to waste time being unhappy.

For me, leaving was the right thing to do. I am much happier today than I was then. I’ve lived alone now for over six years. My only problem is (if you can call it a problem), the longer I live alone the more I like it. Yes, there are challenges. No, it’s not always easy. But life never is, married or single. Like Katebcca, I wish I’d done it when I first felt that love was gone.

Sorry this ended up being so long. I wish you the best, whatever you decide to do. Please keep us posted.

Whirlwind

I am off to enjoy a 10 day vacation with a dear friend who convinced me to get away (Thank you AMY) I will think about all the wonderful input and hopefully make a decision before returning.

Thank you all I look forward to catching up when I return

Honey Sue,
I can certainly understand being torn about leaving your husband. Not to be torn would be less than human.

I have ended marriages for similar reasons and I can understand the pain of being lonely with a mate right beside you. It is almost unbearable. But the risk of giving up even a splinter of a relationship for either surviving alone or in another flawed relationship is huge.

At our most primal being we understand the importance of love to survival and that knowledge causes us to risk ourselves in marriage. No matter how cynical we may become, deep in our hearts we all hoped to have found the love we need and we hope it will endure. A wedding is an ceremony of hope and a marriage is an act of faith. Severing a marriage is more than leaving a mate. It is giving up the hope we risked at the wedding and the faith we placed in the marriage. Those losses are at the foundation of our being and are greater than the loss of any one person.

My advice would be to do everything possible to save the marriage. Praying together can develop and deepen a spiritual connection and reaching out, not only to your mate, but to every possible source of help can help re-establish an emotional connection. Sometimes just laughing and having fun together can renew the strength of a relationship. Of course counseling is always an option and there are marriage retreats to restore romance. I'm sure there are many others and I would hope you will pursue every possible option before leaving the marriage.

If after exploring every possible option you determine you must leave in order to survive, you can move into a new life without guilt or regret.

I will pray for love and peace in whatever choice you make.

smile

I can relate to all of this. I have asked my husband many times for a short separation, so we could both have the time and space to think about where we were heading. He won't consider it...What do you do if you love him enough not to hurt him (I can't bear the thought of hurting anyone, I'd rather hurt myself) but you're not in love with him? I find myself wishing he would find someone else and dump me!

Hey, Bird,
He won't find someone else if he is where he wants to be with you
If you fill whatever needs he has in what may seem to you a limited or grudging way and that's enough for him then he won't see a need to give it up
You're the one who wants something else or something more or something different and you are the only one who can do that
Is hurting someone else worse than hurting yourself?

Yes, I think hurting someone else is worse.

I think staying with him if you are not in love with him is hurting him more. We all have senses and you can be sure that he senses how you feel. It's a no win situation for him really, if you stay it hurts and if you leave it will hurt, but at least he'll get over it. You on the other hand are hurting yourself right now. It's a difficult situation for sure. I'm sorry you are going through this.