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#4678 - 09/15/05 11:48 AM
Christmas dilemma
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Member
Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
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I'm trying to figure out a solution to a problem and thought I would bring it up here as the advice is so good :-)
In another post I described my situation as a single parent with three children, my eldest son was until a month ago addicted to crack cocaine and has been for the past 5 years. It's a very long story but I won't go into too much detail now. After treatment at three different centres he is finally getting it together but is very vulnerable to going back to his old lifestyle and to be honest I have no idea if he is still using or not. He also abuses alcohol and pot. Here is the problem, I have had to move a few times as he keeps coming to my home after being evicted for not paying his rent. He spends his money on partying and expects me to always be there for him when things don't work out. (I had to kick him out when he was 18 due to violent behaviour, drug use, not going to school or work etc. he would basically try to control me and his siblings and had the house in constant chaos) Through counselling and advice from the police I was told to move again and not let him know where I live. Last year at Christmas time I let down my guard and had him for supper. He was camped out on my deck in a sleeping bag, freezing drugged out and knocking on the door non-stop begging to come in. He managed to manipulate his way back in the house (I couldn't refuse him Christmas dinner) and I had to work hard to get him help (counselling) and try to find him alternative housing once again. Believe me and this is a whole other post, there is little if any help out there for drug addicts who don't want help. I have been through hell these past few years trying to get help for him. In my town as in many others there are limited options. Also until they accept help there is none. As a parent it's tough love or putting up with a crazy person in your house 24/7. Many have suggested to not let him in but he can knock non stop for hours on end driving us and the neighborhood crazy. He has also broken in many times so it's tough to keep him out if he wants in. I recently moved again August 1st and found my son another apartment. At the moment although I see him on a regular basis, he does not know where I live and I will have to keep it that way until he makes some major changes. Well Christmas is coming soon. My son is doing just ok on his own although in and out of jobs as his lifestyle gets him fired on a regular basis. I believe in time he will get it. The problem is I don't want to make the same mistake and have him at my home at Christmas this year or the cycle will start all over again. I love him dearly and would love to have him home but do have to keep boundaries for myself and especially my other two other children who are just 12 and 13. He can be very volatile and abusive when living at home. When he lives on his own he is respectful. I see him every week at his place and help him out with groceries etc. on a limited basis as I am trying to push him towards independence but I don't want him to starve. If he knew where I lived he would spend his money on drugs or alcohol get evicted and show up on my doorstep. He would threaten suicide ( has done it before) whatever it took for me to break down and let him in. My mother suggested having Christmas at her house this year. Since I have been divorced and my parents have gotten older I have had it at my place. This year my mom suggested having it at her house so that my eldest son can be with all of us. A nice gesture but..... she is a stress case, plays the martyr role. She will make the dinner but will complain about how much work she has done, will snap at my kids and yell at my dad. He is in a wheel chair and she says is always under her feet. She offers but resents it. Every Christmas as long as I can remember was unhappy as my parents pick this time of the year to have their worst fights. I got what I asked for usually present wise as a child but did not have a Christmas without major stress from an early age. How my parents are still together I don't know. They are codependent and their relationship is very dysfunctional. Anyway, I am trying to find an alternative solution. I don't want my kids to go through the stress of Christmas at my parents (they hate going there because my mother constantly nit picks at my dad and they find it very upsetting) Every year she complains about what he gets from my dad in front of everyone and goes on and on about it basically ruining our Christmas. I want my kids to have a nice Christmas this year without all the stress. If we go to my parents we will get to have Christmas all together, but there will be a price to pay. I want to see my son but can't have him at my place this year because of reasons already explained. If we don't have Christmas and include my parents my mother will never speak to me again. Any suggestions on how to have a nice Christmas dinner without going to my parents and not having it at my place. I have thought about a restaurant but that could be quite expensive. I'm stumped. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. thanks, Kate
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#4681 - 09/16/05 07:17 AM
Re: Christmas dilemma
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Member
Registered: 08/25/05
Posts: 1052
Loc: Ohio
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Kate, I think Eagle's idea is a grand one!
I was wondering if you are involved in any sort of support group of people with recovering family members. I sense that you are feeling guilty for not wanting your son to know where you live, but at the same time, wanting to protect yourself and your 2 younger children. I have a feeling you may be too busy to attend meetings, but there are some great books that will help you strengthen your resolve. One that has helped me is "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. I believe there are also some other books in the Boundaries series such as B with Children, in Marriage, and Dating.
Your son, in his illness, wants you to make his life easier by giving him priveliges he has not earned, but I'm sure you realize that would not be in his best interest. Some have to lose everything before they become drug or alcohol-free.
Kate, I pray you will have the strength and courage to do what is best for your family.
Daisygirl
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#4683 - 09/15/05 10:50 PM
Re: Christmas dilemma
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Member
Registered: 01/24/05
Posts: 1550
Loc: Colorado
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Kate,
The other thought I had is sometimes local churches or senior centers have holiday meals open to the public for a small fee. It would be a way to get the family together in a low stress, low cost environment!
Hang in there, keep taking care of yourself and the children you have at home.
great big hugs, danita
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#4684 - 09/16/05 01:09 AM
Re: Christmas dilemma
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Member
Registered: 03/18/05
Posts: 93
Loc: Washington state
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Kate, I'm sorry for your stress. What an amazing mother you are though for doing so much--knowing you need to take care of your younger children and keeping your son from finding out where you live and yet spending time with him each week. The suggestions already given are great. I have one other that might not be an option but it popped into my head. Does your son live on his own? What about having Christmas dinner at his place? I realize it's work for you, but at this point it seems like no matter what you do it will be. Everyone could be invited and maybe he would get into the excitement and responsibility of it. Just a thought. Sending good energy your way. Dahti Dream of the Circle of Women by Dahti Blanchard published May 2004 by Spilled Candy Books visit: www.dahtiblanchard.com
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