Ann, I'm so happy that things are looking up for you. All of the things you mentioned sound fun and nurturing to your spirit.

And I can relate to the "feast or famine" dilemma as well. When we're traveling or gearing up for another trip, there aren't enough hours in the day. But when we're just home, with nothing on the calendar for awhile, life can roll into a rut that's boring and lonely.

Getting here to this level of isolation has taken years of various twists and turns in the road. If I allow myself to think of all that has brought me to this point, it threatens to crush and suffocate me, because I can scarcely believe that I've had the stamina and courage to get through it all...but I could also be crushed by a deep sense of despair and failure if I'm not careful, because I've allowed so much to go unchallenged, so much that has caused such destruction, actions and behaviours by others that have had, continue to have and will long have devastating ripple effects for so many.

In many ways, I feel stuck. Sometimes I fantasize about just running away and starting over somewhere....in fact, I think I was on the verge of doing so a few weeks ago, but two things stopped me...one was that I literally had no place to go. Any safe places I might have once had are all gone, either through death or through these devastating circumstances that have rocked my world in the past few years. I quite honestly have nobody and nowhere to turn to for help or escape.

The other thing that stopped me was the health issue...my husband has shared with everyone he knows, so it's already out there, so why am I not sharing it here. I was diagnosed with cancer three weeks ago today. LUCKILY (so they tell me), it's the best cancer once could ask for if they were going to be able to choose. It's endometrial (uterine) cancer, and it's highly possible that surgery will completely eradicate. I'm just waiting for the phone call for my surgery date, hopefully sometime in November.

This has been a very scary thing to deal with, especially given that both my Mom and brother (as well as countless aunts and in-laws) died of cancer so recently. But I'm managing to stay positive and hopeful. But even after the cancer has been dealt with, there will still be these other issues that have to be dealt with, both short-term and long-term. I honestly don't know where I will be - or want to be - a year from now. My life is in utter chaos and I don't know how to deal with it any other way right now than just staying put and taking it one day at a time...and taking deep breaths to try and draw in wisdom and perspective and gratitude whenever possible.

Addendum: I have to ask any of my facebook friends to please not mention the cancer there yet, until I figure out a time and a way to tell my niece (she's an avid FB user)