they moved in a few years ago, after selling their house of 40-some years. He wanted to come while she was still healthy enough because she'd had a few scares. Isn't that ironic?

DJ, we saw the same thing in our Mom after Dad died. Like yours, they were each other's life companion and soul mate. He died January 1999. She was utterly lost without him. We had to step in and become active caregivers, even though before Dad died she had been very active, even volunteering three times a week.

One summer day in 2000, we were sitting out on the balcony of her new apartment (two floors above where my brother lived). She had been very quiet and down, totally uncharacteristic for my Mom. So I asked her how she was feeling, and though she was reticent at first, eventually she broke down in my arms sobbing, utterly miserable in how profoundly she still missed Dad. I was stunned, because though we knew she was grieving, we hadn't recognized just how profoundly sad she still was, to the point that she was telling me she didn't want to go on living without him.

I held her, I was sobbing too, not sure how best to comfort her. In the end, I begged her to stay alive long enough to walk me down the aisle at our wedding in October. That seemed to spark her and she appeared to us to rally well after that. Even the twinkle came back into her eyes. Only much later we found out that she was full of cancer and must have known it, though regular visits to the doctor never revealed anything.

Anyway, I think we underestimate their agony of absence when a life-companion dies. I think it goes much deeper than we can ever comprehend.

I guess that's one of the fears we have if my mother should outlive my father: she might lose herself forever in grief. He is genuinely a good husband to her. Since he is fluently bilingual in Chinese and English he truly is her intermediary to the outside world to understand and express her needs accurately.

I saw it happen to the mother of a close friend. this woman was a university educated woman, warm and intelligent. She was never the same after her husband died... She had Alzheimer's which got progressively worse. My single friend (who had a job over 50 kms. outside of home town) valiantly looked after her deteoriating mother for 3 years before she died.

WHen I hear these stories of a woman's (or man's) identity completely wrapped up in their dead spouse...it's scary but a tremendous lesson to us here, that we need remain/become as strong, separate individuals with our own interests outside of our partner...with a good capacity to live with purpose now and later.

thank you eagle as its easie to imagine no one is thinking of us, not in a self pitie way but in a someone far away has cast a though or a prayer our direction. so very dearlie i thank you.

the day was strange but L was ok didn't wann look at a gift untill after 12, then he felt able to. Its to do with routine and things changing iv learned how not to put him into shock BUT BUT its a hard weirie day as i am on gard all the time.

At times he got overwhelmed and just sobbed and sobbed and hugged me. Things didn't go the way it was planned to go so i had to help him bridge the distanse between how it was and how it was ment to have been (aghain its all about routine and unflecibilitie with changies) none of it trajic but it get tireing.

some stupid adults thought of them selfs first and not the child which annoyed me and was devistating for him. I hate him being hurt from stuff thats unthinking from people that should know better but thats how they are, in realitie. Again its about helping him over it as im his emotional interpreter, circumstanse explaner, and teller of little white lies that i think will soften stuff for him, Is that the right thing to do? it feels right anyway.

It was a rollercoster day, i din't get into anyones way or hurt anyone, i help a few people with words and some with actions, still today with fall out of christmass. I was helped by a frend and talked over my issues about the day. typical christmass eh! lol.


how was yours as you had to suspend gifts for young ones? how did that go?