I have written about my addict son and all the trouble he has caused over the years for myself and my other two children. A while back he went to a treatment centre in another town and things were going good. That is until there was a flood warning and everyone had to go somewhere but could come back in a month. This meant my son stopping treatment but they sent him to a temporary recovery house. They usually go to a recovery house after many months of treatment. My son didn't last long at this and he was doing so well at the treatment centre. It's a shame. He got kicked out within two weeks for something, not drugs but he lies so I really don't know the reason. Anyway he got himself welfare and an apartment and a job and a girlfriend. She lived at another recovery house, they met at an NA meeting.

He has phoned off and on asking for money until he gets paid. He needed work boots etc. as he was working for a roofing company. He needed food for lunches. So I sent him money more than a few times trying to be supportive as he was trying. He got fired and I was not really surprised. I hoped for the best but he has never had a job for long. He probably slept in one too many times or didn't go in at all which is what usually happens.

Anyway, long story short he came back to my town unannounced and said he had nowhere to go, no money etc. etc. He brought along his girlfriend, she has no job or no money either. He told me that with her last welfare cheque she bought a $130 dollar hair straightener and make-up and it ticked him off. That really made me mad.

I was tipped off by my mother in-law that he was in town as he had called her because he can't call collect to my phone. I don't have that service luckily. So, he called me non stop at work today and I didn't answer the phone as I knew it was him. Both phones were going off at the same time constantly, my cell and work phone. Luckily I work alone in an office most of the time and today I was alone. I finally unplugged the phones. I called my ex as I knew if he couldn't get me he would call him until he could reach me. My ex said he was coming over but that he didn't like the idea and would put him up for one night but that was it. So, tonight I am saved but if my ex tells him to leave tomorrow, he will harass me non- stop as he has no place to go and now has his dead beat girlfriend with him. She also collects welfare but won't get another cheque for a while.

Last time my son called, a few days ago saying he needed money for food, I told him that I couldn't keep doing this. I'm a single parent supporting two kids and my rent is more than half a months pay. I don't have alot to spare. He begged me, said he was starving and told me if I gave him money one more time that he would never ask me again.
He was going to get a job that day that paid cash daily. Then a few days later, he's here, with her, no money, no food, no where to live, nothing. He is 22, she is about the same age.

I need some help to stay strong. He called me tonight and asked if I could meet up with him. I said that would be nice but did he want something? He said maybe and I reminded him that he told me he would never borrow money from me again. He said he never said that. I told him he did and that I am going to hold him to it. He didn't like that. Then said, "can you bring some chips and pop over, we are watching a movie" I said no. He said he had to go.

I know that this is not the end. He will call me tomorrow demanding that I help him. This is never going to end. He is a leech. I'm worried for my other kids as he knows that they have jobs and he may try to get money from them. He may do this for years.

Just some strength needed, support to stay strong. I don't want to help him, don't feel that I should help him at all.
They are both young, fit, able to work but continue to depend on me and others in the family to pay their way. Yes he has issues, maybe mental health issues and addictions etc. but I am going to lose my sanity very soon if he keeps going down this road. It seems like there is no end in sight. He gets help for a while and then is right back at it. Playing the victim, wanting to be saved. Thanks for listening. (reading)
Kate

Don't know if this is possible Kate, but what if you sent someone in your place to him; someone like a youth consultant, or someone informed on how to find a job…and fast. Make the date with your son, but surprise!!! You aren't there, but an authoritive person who might be able to help your son help himself.

That way you are out of the clinch, but still doing something positive for your son.

Hang in there, Kate. If he's hungry, there are food banks around to give food for free. It sounds tough and it is. You are doing the right thing. He needs to understand that HIS choices are making his life -- not yours. If it keeps up, you might consider getting a restraining order.

My heart goes to you. This is so very hard.

Do something nice for yourself. Can you and your other kids go somewhere for a picnic?

There are always shelters where they can stay and be fed. You have to nip this in the bud or it will never end. I know how hard it is but sometimes we have to give that tough love. Even if you gave him only food it could become something that never ends.

I'm sorry to hear about the latest development, kate which is spiralling down into something else.

I hope for his sake he will have a counsellor or similar role, to work with..

Oh Hannelore, how I wish there was someone like that. There just isn't.
It's a tough situation as I don't want to enable him but clearly he is unable to take care of himself. He can't hold down a job. The only way he could is if someone woke him up, dragged him out of bed and drove him to work, provided a lunch etc. This is not realistic but that is what it would take and even then you may not be able to wake him up.
After doing drugs from age 15 to 22 what he really has to do is to start all over again from scratch, learn life skills etc. He should have stayed in recovery for at least 9 months as I suggested instead of leaving and getting his own apartment. But you can't tell him anything. At least if he stayed he would have learned some skills.

He does well in jail as his day is planned out. He goes to bed early, gets up early, reads, etc. and this type of strict schedule works for him. The problem is left to his own devices he just doesn't make good decisions. It is so hard for me because I feel for his situation, but I can't and won't be an enabling parent any longer. He is not functional, but not mentally challenged so people like him fall threw the cracks. Either the family gets dragged down with them and becomes non functional, or the person ends up living on the streets or worse.

I really don't know what to do at this point other than stay out of his life hoping that he will get it. So far, he is not getting it. One step forward, 10 steps back. Soooo frustrating.
Kate

Hi Kate,
My son was on drugs from about age 12 to 20, so I know what you mean about structure and the fact that it seems like they do better while they are in jail. Unfortunately, jail doesn't teach them skills. They are dumped out at the end of their term and they go right back to where they were because they don't know anything else.

Check out Delancey St.(http://www.eisenhowerfoundation.org/grassroots/delancey/) You'll need to cut and paste because I didn't make it a link.

Yes, you have to stay out of his life. Let him know that you love him and that if he ever wants to truly change that you are there to support him in a way you can.

I didn't know where my son was half the time from 16 to 19 and then he was in jail a lot. When he finally had an opportunity to go to Delancey and got accepted, we had to do a lot to get the courts to release him to the program. It included many trips to Eureka (about 8 hours away) and a lawyer. I am so grateful that I got the chance to pull out all the stops for him. He's a new man in this program.

The thing is that it's not in your hands, it's only in your son's and God's. Turn it over, pray and go to Al-Anon if it will help.

I keep you in my heart.
Casey

What about him enlisting in the military? It might give him the discipline and structure he needs.

Dianne, great idea. It sounds like the structure and type of accountability he needs.

Kate, stay strong or else you will be doing this forever. I know someone whose child is 29 or 30 and she continues to bail him out, meaning of jail and every rotten situation the guy gets involved with. He copes by running to Mom. I think you need to be strong now and maybe he will learn his lesson sooner rather than later.

May the good Lord bess you and keep you during this most difficult time. reach out to others to maintain your own sanity.

When I heard that my son was in town a red flag went up big time. He was doing well in treatment and then at the recovery house but as soon as I heard he had left and got his own apartment another red flag went up. Also that he was moving in with a girl he barely knows who he met in recovery.

I live on an island so he had to go to alot of work to get over here, a long drive to the ferry, then take the ferry. He must have taken alot of buses and yes he must have been desperate. I didn't know what was up, but I knew it wasn't good news.

I am so thankful that my ex in-laws warned me that he was on his way because this warning helped me out so much. I did not answer the phone at work, or my cell phone so he had to make other arrangements for someone to pick him up. He went to his Dad's which is not the norm, he usually hounds me as he gets far more. His Dad doesn't put up with much. He was not there for my son from age 12 until recently but he has tried to reach out in the past year.
It was good for him to have to deal with him since I have had this burden on my own for years. My ex just stood back and suggested since I basically raised him it was all my fault. Nice. He's changed his tune somewhat. My son doesn't bully his Dad because he can't, but he does bully
me and basically holds me hostage in my own house. Something told me to stay clear of him. I felt bad but at the same time knew that I was not emotionally able to deal with him. I actually started shaking and went into panic mode when I heard he was on his way. He has put me through hell, my other kids too.

I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I thank God that my ex took him in for one night. He would not let him stay at the house when they were not at home during the day and my son did not like this at all. He left his Dad's house after one night stay and did not come back last night. He arrived at my ex's this morning and said he had screwed up. He had gone to an old drug buddies house, abused drugs and alcohol all night and now regretted it.

My ex told him he had to leave immediately. He would give him money to go back where he came from but either way he had to go. He said if he found out that he did not
go back that he would never ever help him out again. So they left. He said he called him from the ferry so hopefully he did go back although it is not a sure thing.

They have a place to stay until Wednesday until his girlfriend gets her welfare cheque. Then they are on their own. After her being clean for 10 months and him
3 months this is a real shame but not unexpected. My son is a hardcore addict. It is not going to be easy for him to change. I think he came over here to be taken care of
and also to reconnect with his friend knowing that he would be in a place where they were using drugs. At least they went back. They said they were going to go to an NA meeting a.s.a.p. and try to get back on track. My son is a compulsive liar so who knows. I'm happy he is gone, but sad that he is the way he is and that I can no longer have a relationship with him. I pray one day this will change but for now I must take care of my other two children and focus on myself and them. I can no longer do anything for my son, just pray.
Kate