My mother was never happy with her doctor...but, you couldn't get her to look for another.
Think she would have been around longer also.

Sounds like the change in your dad's doctors, has been a good move.
Nice to have a friend who can advise you.

Your sounding so much better...I'm so glad.

Flo Voy I wish I could lift some of the heavy burden that's resting on your shoulders right now. The only comfort I can give you are my words. I hope you are able to take a breather and stop to enjoy the beautiful sights of Christmas all around you. I hope, if even for a moment, that you can feel that joy in your heart as you once did on Christmas.

Hi Flo,

you're in a tough situation but there are some things you can do to ease the burden. JJ asked about the Vet. Administration; great place to start if your dad is a vet. Call the county/city social services and ask what help is available thru them. Medicade...or is it Medicare...can give you some help. You need some hours to yourself. If the caregiver doesn't take care of her/him self, the whole house of cards will tumble. You have GOT to get a few moments of time for yourself ALONE every day. If all you do it go for a walk around the block...it will help you tremendously.

Is there anyone at church or the neighborhood who is in a similar situation? Could you have their elder person visit at your home to give them a break and then vice versa? Is there a elder daycare nearby your Dad would go to a couple of afternoons a week?

Are you brave enough to send your brother copies of *all* the bills and request payment for half? You might say, "but he'll get angry." My response is, "So what?" He's 1,000 miles away and he's not doing you any favors now. If he has a guilt button...you have my permission to push it...HARD.

I'm sorry about your Mother but keep in mind our times are in the hands of God. Try not to second-guess; it's a futile passtime.

You're in my thoughts and prayers, Merry Christmas,

Flo,

I am heartily sorry if I've missed other important posts. Probably have. But I have been a caretaker of my daughter for many, many years. And of others also. Outside of my family.

Cardinal Rule if you are to survive to take care of ANYONE : Take care of yourself first. Have to. You won't want to, but this is NOT an option. You have to get smart. You have to REALLY get smart. You need to educate yourself as best you can - treat this as any other super-important job (it IS)!!! To get the very best for your Dad and anyone else you might ever take care of, you absolutely MUST do several things....A. You must take care of yourself by excersing - if that's a gentle walk, do it. Get a neighbor, a friend, ANYONE to stay with your dad til' you get back. Most people are only too happy to help you. I used to need a "country fix". Just had to get to the country. No buildings, just trees, space and sky. I was surprised to find how many people were eager to let me have this. B. Make rules. Rules for yourself. First rule: Take care of YOurself (sound familiar?)Make sure that you can get what YOU need, whether that's painting a picture or welding something or other - you get my meaning. C. Second Rule: take care of yourself. Eat well. Eat your veggies, take vitamins every day of your life. D. Third Rule: take care of yourself first. Get religion, or whatever it takes, just make sure you get you taken care of. If you have to be mean, be mean. (usuallly you're not being mean, just too nice)E. Take care of yourself first. Have to . Not an option. Am I getting thru" yet? I've been there. This is the hardest job in the world. The very most difficult. And you are to be respected and admired. But you must stand your ground, demand what you need from your siblings and whomever else you can get to support you. As my sister once said to me, "You are strong, but you need to get stronger". I couldn't believe she said those words to me, but in the end, she was more than right. And now, with the death of my adored child, I realize, I do , indeed need to be stronger still....

And oh yeah, as Thistle said, you have MY permission also, to push whatever button you NEED to accomplish this noble goal, and as she said, to push it HARD!!!!! Ridiculous how people think they can avoid pain!!!!! O my gosh, don't get me started!!!!!!

Well, your Boomer sisters are here to hear you and support you -= take advantage!

Search

Searcher,

As is often the case, you said what I would have far more eloquently than I could have.

One of the worst aspects of caring for my husband last year was that I stopped doing things for myself. It was something I didn't even realize I was doing until after he had recovered and I felt like I had no life. They tell me this is a common trap that caregivers can fall into. If we don't do things for ourselves and ask for help when we need it, the one we are hurting most is ourselves. Feeeling overwhelmed is human. Doing something for yourself to eliminate the stress shows strength. There's nothing harder to admit for me than "I can't handle this by myself." I've learned to hard way that I can and should admit that and the people who love me will understand completely.

NHJackie,

I don't know how eloquent I have ever been, but thank you for the compliment.

I have done this for so many years. Made so many mistakes. And yes, this IS a trap that so many of us fall into. And day by day, things just get out of hand without our even being aware of it. That's why I say the rules. And obviously, the only RULE is that you take care of yourself. And the ones we are hurting are not JUST ourselves, but the very ones we are trying to help - and all our extended family and friends. This is serious business.

Jackie, I have felt overwhelmed for all of my adult life. Nichole had so many, many , many grave health issues in her little life......just for instance - if she were to get a cold, (and because she was on cortisone for so long, her immune system was comprimised), and had a fever, we had 24 hours to get her the extra cortisone that her body needed. Or she would die. This happened about 4 times in her life. She did not produce her own cortisone to fight any kind of stress, so we did this synthetically. I had a syringe and a bottle of cortisone in the fridge for emergencies....Throwing up was a major issue. Because throwing up meant throwing up the daily cortisone dose. Frankly, looking back, I can't imagine how I, we survived as long as we did. What I have just told you is just a teeny, teeny part of the problems we faced daily. The only thing I can think of , is that Harietta (whom I call God) was by our side for every second of the way. Or maybe it was sheer bull-dog tenacity, I don't know. I will tell you this - I, too, have a VERY hard time asking for help. I inherently think I should be able to achieve "anything I set my mind to" (LOL, my father ussed to tell me this all the time - I'm sure he didn't mean to make it stick like it did).

And even if the people in your life DON'T understand completely - they will understand a little. And maybe that's the little you need. Yes, it shows strength to ask for that help. So ask: most times, you will recieve. And remember, when you give something to someone else, it feels good, doesn't it? Give someone that opportunity. It really is the "tie that binds"....

Have a wonderous New Year. And a little bit of magic, too.

Search

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter, Searcher. *warm hugs*

Things are better here now. As mentioned above, new doctors. That worked wonders. And my wonderful husband is willing to do whatever is needed to help. He's been helping as far as he can, and I walk with a neighbor lady for exercise.

But the main help is a change in my attitude. Sounds silly to say it, but I just wasn't ready to accept my father's mortality. Now I am. I knew intellectually that I was/am fighting a losing battle (no matter what I do, in time, he will pass on), but emotionally I hadn't come to terms with it. The crisis of the last few months has forced me to do so.

Things are better now, but I know that there will be another crisis. It's only a matter of time. So I need to take this opportunity when things are not so bad to get ready for when they are. And now I feel like I have at least some of the strength needed to do so. I was paralyzed by fear, and raging inside against something I couldn't change. But that doesn't help anything. Death is a part of life, and I'm going to lose him, sometime. So it's very important now to enjoy whatever time we have left together. And that's what I'm going to try to do.

Thank you for all your thoughts and good wishes. They're much appreciated.

[ December 28, 2005, 12:34 AM: Message edited by: Flo Voy ]