Okay...this is really weird. Last night I dreamed my son told me he was going to ask his girlfriend to marry him. This is my son who I wrote about in the "You've got to be kidding me" forum.
Here's the weird part. I opened my email this morning...he'd sent me an email from work and said he's engaged. You could have knocked me over with a feather. One, that I'd dreamed about it and two that it actually happened.
I called my older son and he'd just found out, too...and we're both shaking our heads.
Last week my now engaged son was upset because his girlfriend had hidden phone calls between her and her ex.
I know there's nothing I can do but support him and his fiance'...if I don't I'll lose him and I don't want that. All I can do is pray that this will work out somehow. To be honest my heart is breaking at the moment and can't help wonder what is the attraction to him for this woman who has lied to him so many times. She's cute as a button and I understand his physical attraction but the substance, the heart of where she should be with him and him with her seems to be missing. Yet, they're going to get married anyway.

Oh Dee, kids can break our hearts and confuse us soooo much! Yes, at this point, all you can let him do is live his life and learn, even if it's going to be the hard way. Just love him anyway and let everything take its time. He'll see the light someday or maybe she'll settle. But we both know it will be his decision to do this in the first place and his decision to decide when enough is enough. I don't mean to sound glib here at all, but they are the basic facts. You know already that it will do no good to lecture him. He wouldn't hear it anyway. I'm so sorry that this has happened but just let the time pass. Who knows? Maybe he'll realize before it's too late, and maybe not. Either way he'd not like the interference even if it proves to be true in the end. I'm praying for you, my friend.

Dee
let it go..like a river in flow...
They are not married yet...could she have caused a frama last week and the outcome is that a decent young man(reared by a lovely Mother) has been manipulated in this.
Resisting the situation will only hurt you.
Love
MA

Thanks Jane for your words of comfort and support prayers. You're right...obviously he thinks he can change this...my guess is if he marries her she'll be committed to him and that will make the difference. Not a reason to marry. Again, this is speculation on my part but considering how close this engagement follows on the heels of the phone calls...well...numb is the only thing I feel at the moment. And maybe he will realize before it's too late that if it hasn't worked by now, it probably isn't going to work with a ring on her finger. I hope they prove me wrong.
Thanks Jane...oh my gosh...this is still so upsetting.

Of course, it is, Dee. It's easy for me to sit way up north on a computer and give my thoughts without being emotionally involved. We never like to see our kids make obvious in-their-faces mistakes but it happens. We did it! Or maybe I should speak for myself only. I know my parents vehemently questioned some of my decisions. But life went on for them and I reaped the consequences. Kids are meant to make their decisions when they become adults. All we can do is pray for them and hope they learn sooner than later. But, yes, for a mother's heart, it's very, very difficult to watch.

MA...you're so sweet...I've tried to raise him to never settle where his heart is concerned...and you're right...there may be some manipulation in there. And when it comes to the bottom of all this...it's his life and his consequences. Maybe it will all work out.

Oh Dee, I’ve been there. I know the hurt. It’s awful because it’s a mixture of bewilderment, disappointment and anxiety. I have to admit, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I told my son that I think he’s making the biggest mistake in his life. And you guessed it; it didn’t make any difference. He was caught in her net, and although I truly believe he saw and understood what I was saying, he was like a fish…he couldn’t get out.

Now they are married. Their first baby is due. I have learned to just accept and make the best of it. I see all the things developing that I warned him about. She is an extremely bossy person, who has a phobia about leaving the house. She is also deviously manipulative, and has forbidden my son to continue his hobbies, of diving, motorcycling, hiking…because of course she can’t join him. He is puddy in her hands. It’s sad to watch, and it’s still hard to get used to. I don’t recognize my son anymore. This is the son that has taken on her last name as well.

The only thing good about the relationship is her parents. We get along great with them, and we have become friends. Still, I have never dared speak to my DIL’s Mom about her daughter. I think her Mom has nothing to say either.

Well, the lesson learned in this story, and I do like to believe there is a lesson to learn in all living situations is: stop making your family the center of your life. I got to almost laugh while writing this, because it is very hard for me to do as well.

As soon as Anaiya leaves our nest, hubby and I plan to get really active in our golf club. We want to invest time in making new good friends, to share our hobbies, thoughts and just plain old living with. Yes, friends like I have here in this forum. Then I hope the family situations will automatically get pushed into a back light. I believe it will be easier to take if we are more independent of our adult children. It’s their life, their beer, their mess, and / or hopefully their happiness.

Whatever…distraction is the key to our own happiness and it does help heal the hurt. So Dee my friend, I wish we could go out and do the town together! Be girls again and giggle our way from one coffee house to another, or who cares go to a wine cellar and get tipsy. Friends are the family you have chosen for yourself.

Hannelore...I wish you were here, too. We'd go to a coffee house...lots of them. It helps to hear how others go through things like this and what they do. Realistically, I know it's none of my business...but, it came out of nowhere and with, as far as I knew, no resolution from him telling me about the phone calls and being upset about them..so, when he told me he's now engaged..well, I was taken completely by surprise.

Today I joined a gym with my sister-in-law. She, too, has a daughter-in-law that's been problems for her son....if nothing else we can vent to each other and work out our frustrations over our sons' situations by walking on the treadmill and working weights. We start in the morning a 9 a.m....wish us luck.

I'm glad you and your husband plan on doing something for youselves after Anaiya leaves. You deserve to enjoy your lives together.

And you and so many others here are my cyper family...you mean so much to me and I'm so fortunate to have women like you reach out to me when I'm really sad. I love you guys.

Oh, Dee. I guess I sent the hammer just a little too late, huh?

Enjoy the workouts. They will increase your endorphins and letting go will be easier.

I have been thinking of you lately. This seems like emotional abuse on the girls part. Same as Hannelore's son. It's easy to diagnose from so far away, but that's what it seems like to me. It's easy to get trapped into the situations, especially for warm and loving people.

My heart goes out to you.

Anno...I did send the hammer and my son thought it was cute...but, it didn't do any good.

Thanks for thinking of me...and what concerns me is why does my son think this is the kind of woman he wants in his life and to bear his children. I'm most dumbfounded.

Anno...I'll be fine and I can only hope that in the course of the week from when John let me know about her phone calls to Sean and his asking her to marry him something major happened for him to do this. He is totally smitten with this woman and in the end he has to live with what comes down the road. All I can do is turn it over to God and step back from my comments about it and be here when things fall apart for him. Thanks, Anno, for your verbal hugs...your support is appreciated. Hugs hugs hugs