I have a married son who lives just 15 miles away. He has been busy with work this year and doesn't phone me. He returns my calls and emails but gets off the phone as soon as possible or writes very simple email responses; and its been months (early March) since I have seen him. My DIL has always acted distant to me. I do get to spend time with my granddaughter (their only child) when I ask to come and get her and have her for the day. But they refuse invitations to dinner or simply to come by or have me come by for a short visit. I was a loving mother and have helped them out financially in the past. We haven't had any issues I can recall. On Christmas Day they go to her family. For the past few Christmas Eve's we've had a family party and my son, his family and his in-laws (I invite them) come over. Then my husband and I sit alone and bored on Christmas Day, aching to see the granddaughter enjoying her gifts. She is 31/2. On holidays and birthdays they are always with friends or my DIL's family. This year in March my husband did get them to come over (they came, not a gift or card) to go out to dinner with us. This is my only child. I was widowed 8 years ago and remarried 4 years ago. My husband and son seem to like eachother. My husband never had kids and really wants to have this extended family in his life. My heart aches and I just don't know what to do.
Advice??

Squirl

Okay, Squirl

First, Welcome and thanks for jumping in with a tough question. I am sure you will get plenty of responses, all different)

From a daughter's perspective:

Nothing bugs kids more than being made to feel guilty for not living up to a parents needs. We want our parents to be happy to see us, but don't want to feel like we have to commit to another get together before the existing one has started. I am not saying you are doing this, just food for thought.

In many relationships, one family gets more attention than the other family. I saw this with my uncle and his wife. You can't blame yourself, or look for fault in yourself, because the wife's family has taken precedence. It's the kids choice. Is it right? Probably not. Is it reality? Maybe.

As far as Christmas and other gifty times, I hope your granddaughter is opening your gifts when you are present. Maybe have a Christmas Eve with just your son, DIL and granddaughter and exchange gifts. Then on Christmas you and hubby can exchange your own special gifts.

I feel for you. I also am sure that you will work this out to everyone's satisfaction. Hang in there. And, again, welcome.

Hello Squirl, and welcome. You have picked the right place to vent and ask for advice if you want it.

Anno’s statement about adult children not wanting to feel obligated is very true. But besides that, it’s all about the DIL and NOT your son. I know, I have two married sons. When they visit, don’t fixate on your son. Instead try to connect with your DIL. Pretend if you have to. It will reap more than you can sow. Mother’s always tend to want to give advice, so be better than your DIL’s Mom, just be a friend; not a mother.

Don’t give any advice,
Don’t complain,
Don’t let her know how sad you are about their rare visits.
Don’t complain about neighbours or people you may know.

Before getting together, you have to have a plan. Think of fun things, jokes, and games to play together. Make her want to see you again, because it’s relaxing and you are so much fun.

Give it time. It won’t change things immediately, but eventually it hopefully will.

Welcome Squirl!
I've an only son. I see him possibly twice a year, if I'm lucky. He's a truckdriver and phones me now and again while
in route up and down the east coast. But when he lived around here, I saw and heard from him less than I do now.
I don't know. If they need money, they know where you are.
Otherwise, forget it. My 2nd husband [Wild Bill was never married before he married me] and my son appeared 2 like each other, till hubby and I got engaged. After that,
they ignored each other. Go figure???? And I have NO advice 4 U; I wish I did! Just hang in there. Sometimes things change 4 the better!!!

Gosh, I wish I had advice for you as well...especially since I have two sons. Now I will tell you that most of the phone conversations and such are initiate by me, but I've never had them give me the feeling that they were trying to rush our time together, or that they were glad to see me. If they did, I would have a broken heart as well.

It does sound as if the DIL is calling the shots, and sometimes, ultimatums can be given to the hubby...like, it's either me or your mom...yipes! I hope this is isn't what is going on with your son.

I would suggest that you try to give the DIL more attention when around them or try to find some common ground. Something that you can discuss with her and that would bring you both joy TO discuss. A hobby, some future event you could do together...what is her passions? Her hobbies? Are they anything you would enjoy? I know this has already been suggested, but I wanted to say it again.

Good luck in finding common ground. If it is any consolation, life can change in the blink of an eye...hold the faith. I'm sure you have raised your child to know that you love him dearly. It WILL be returned. Maybe not today or next week. But it will. I really believe that.

And WELCOME to the forums, my friend.

Thanks, all! Thinking about y'all's input, I will stop requesting time with my son and his family. Actually have been trying to get them to commit to a few hours on Sunday (haven't seen them since my birthday in March) and I guess I'll just lay off. I'll continue to work to improve the DIL relationship. Sometimes I think she and my son are not happy and she doesn't want to grow our relationship because she doesn't know if the marriage will last. But that's something you just can't ask..... Thanks Edelweiss. You have given me the mantra I'll use in relating to my son.

Don’t give any advice,
Don’t complain,
Don’t let her know how sad you are about their rare visits.
Don’t complain about neighbours or people you may know.

Have a great weekend. It'll be another hot one here in Texas.....

You know Squirl, I'm glad you brought that to the forefront because that is exactly what was in my own mind. Here is the scenario that I had. She was unhappy in her marriage, therefore, she makes hubby unhappy and what better way than to shun his loving Mom? Also, the more she can distance herself from you, (a descent, loving mom) then more she can justify in her own mind separating the two of you to hurt him. THAT is exactly what my first thought was when I read your thread.

To me, any DIL that loved her hubby and had a MIL that wanted to do as much as you do for them, well, she would be all over it and your best friend. Or something close to it.

Oh my...I hope we are BOTH wrong!

Squirl, First of all, a hearty welcome to BWS.
My son lives around 30 miles away, across town and he as well rarely calls me. I was asked over to their brand new home some years ago and my son asked me to move in and share their home. He wanted me there so we could all care for one another. The only problem was I had two tiny dogs and I would have to either confine them or get rid of them. I couldn't believe they would say that. NOW, the entire visit my DIL sat there smiling and nodding. I left to head for home and think about things and found out a month later that after I left they had a battle to end all battles... It seems she was hearing sabout this plan at the same time I was. He hadn't discussed it with her before hand. Luckily I turned down the offer with a very big thank you for thinking of me. Maybe in the future I said. Good thing I said no, wonder what would've happened if I had said YES??

Sometimes I could just cry, and have to be truthful but no matter what, these adult kids have their own lives and we become an inconvenince to their precious time at best...

My son rarely calls. But I hit on something that works for us. I take him out to lunch. I pick him up from work and we drive to some nearby restaurant for lunch. Also, I'll send him a text message to his phone if I need him to call me.

Oh hey! Could you offer to babysit so they could go out to dinner and a movie?

does anyone remember that saying about losing a son when he takes a wife, a daughter's a friend for the rest of your life...or something like that? It's true...a lot of boys pull away from their Mother's, unless they're a mama's boy, which is bad for the wife.
My advice...keep calling him...you're his mom. Keep the line of communication open. He answers your calls and emails you which is better than a lot of parents get. As he gets older he'll get better (I hope). My older son (36) has really come around in the past couple of years...he asks my advice more, calls me more and emails...there was a time when I rarely, if ever, heard from him.
We have a big christmas party before Christmas for everyone because we know the DIL's family is going to always come first. We've accepted that and work around it.
And, too, isn't this part of the generation X? They're all about themselves? We're having problems with two of my husbands kids being self-centered and selfish...seems to be a curse of this generation. Good luck. It's frustrating, I know. Just don't you be the one who shuts down in communicating.
My ex-daughter-in-law got huffy with me one time (quite nasty really) and I told her Ray would always be my son but she might not always be my DIL...in the end they divorced and Ray's gotten very close to me again...so, don't let go...you never know what the future is going to bring. You'll always be his Mother.