I heard that from you once before Dianne: therapists prefer to counsel those who are being abused seperately and independently from the other. You explained the dynamics of this train-of-thought to me so well. Then, I read your theory and reasons for it in a book on relationships! You are a pioneer! When there is hope for the relationship, then the therapist will invite both to a session. But unless/until the victim can be safe, the abuser is disinvited. I kept my counseling sessions secret from the man I was married to because I knew he would sabotoge them. Dianne, did I read somewhere that it took you 2 years or so to be fully independent once you had made the decision to leave? Itt took me a LONG time to go through counseling enough to get the self-esteem that made me think I could live independently.Plus, I had to learn to work again after he had told me I was worthless out in the world. He worked night, I worked days. One morning, as I left for work through a temp agency, his GIRLFRIEND dropped him off at our apartment just as I was leaving for work. And he said he was working overtime the night. OT, right! Where was his car? I bet they left his car at the motel. In the meantime, my therapist had worked through safety factors with me, for when the violence escalated. Unfortunately, I had been so isolated from all friends and family. And, if someone would reach out to me, like a neighbor trying to make friends with me, I would neglect to form a relationship because I was so ashamed of being abused, and of his temper and attitude. That is the last thing a victim wants to do: she needs all the support she can get. Then, a new friend witnessed how he talked to me and told me I was bieng verbally abused. I had never heard that term before, so I took the term to my therapist. I had to admit I was being abused, after thinking this was a "normal" way of a relationship (like you, based on what I learned from family.) Just sharing.