First of all artlady, welcome to the nicest little corner of cyberspace. We're all REAL women with varied heartaches, adjustments and hurts....also we share so much joy together and celebrate the accomplishments and "up" times as well. My heart absolutely goes out to you. I can almost feel it physically. Many of us have been the divorce route. I, myself, was married 31 years before my divorce from a pastor. It's been just 4 1/2 years since and I've done all the ups and downs of whether I could handle seeing him or not. Right now I'm in a "not" stage because he's had the nerve to go back to the pastorate this year (and someone actually LET him!) He left because of another woman and is now married to her. It sounds like you probably honestly felt that you could do the "together" thing this holiday and be fine, but you found out different. You sound like someone that should be sooooo proud of yourself for how you kept putting one foot in front of the other and accomplished so much in your life. Bravo for that!! Still, this recent event had an unexpected profound effect on you. Now it's time to sort some things through. It's like any grief...you do it in your own way and in your own time. And a long term marriage that ends so devastingly, I believe, takes years even after you feel you've moved on. I still have difficulty at Christmas, for instance, because it was those days that I loved and cherished it so much. I've never felt the same, so I have my tearful moments even now and thank God, I'm remarried to someone who shares the same and understands. Do you have any close friends that would hear you out? You might just need to say it out loud and have someone to bounce your thoughts on. If not, we're here and you can write as much as you need or want. You experienced a lot during this visit, such as the huge change in his lifestyle, his success and all that yuck stuff. You know how you struggled to build what you had when you were together. It's another place and another time now and things just won't remain the same. I still have hurt about the years I gave up my own education for him and worked my butt off so he could get through seminary all the while denying myself big time. Sounds like you did some of that yourself. Do you journal? Sometimes I find it's very effective to write down exactly the varied things that are bothering me when I feel like I can't think anymore. And remember, friends are not really friends if you cannot burden them with a meltdown once in awhile. You'll love it here in time. We share some very deep stuff as you've probably noticed but we have a wonderfully fun time, too! Keep talking, okay?