I am no help here. I wish I was. There are many divorced women who I hope will jump in and share their opinion.

My thinking still is get a good lawyer. You try on many shoes to find the best fit right? Isn't a good mean agressive lawyer as important as a good pair of shoes? Let them know going in you want a shark, you're tired of guppies.

If you have preliminary signed agreements as to child support payments,at least in the interim before a divorce is final, seems to me that if he's not paying it, your lawyer should be filing for contempt of court...if you don't have any signed documents that are enforcable in court, seems to me that you ought to get a lawyer that'll get this step done..i wouldn't be looking for maintenance support from him, unless you're incapable of working, but he ought to be paying his share of kids' needs...but i love the trying on shoes analogy..a good lawyer is ethical, most lawyers are, but remember his lawyer is working for your husband, so that attorney is not looking out for your best interests..boy, did i ramble on here or what!

Another thought is to get a lawyer who is known for representing women. Why not? The guys often go to the lawyers who really know how to stick it to the women.

I did exactly that. my new attorney has a good reputation...maybe I'm hoping for too much too soon? We do not have any interim support orders because the husband is technically unemployed even though he is capable of getting a job and working. He quit his previous job and is doing this on purpose to avoid paying child and/or spousal support. I found out today from a reliable source that he planned this whole thing for a least a year and a half before he filed for divorce. So he's had a gameplan and a checklist for a while. None of this has happened by accident. Boy do I feel like an idiot. All the time I was showing him love and support in finding a job, helping him write his resume, editting his email inquiries and thank you notes for him, he was plotting how to divorce me without having to give me any support after 20 years of marriage and child raising...I must have been blind.

But that does not change the fact that for now he is getting away with it and I am outraged. Where's the First Wives' Club when you need it?

I think you found your First Wives Club right here.

I don't think a judge will let him get away with this. How can he support himself with no job? How is he surviving?

You shouldn't feel that you were ignorant for trying to help him. You did what any good wife would do. He's the idiot.

Make sure the attorney you now have makes any agreement during the actual divorce commencerate for when he goes back to work. in other words he has to pay child support and bac k chilkd support once he gets a job and he MUST get work within a reasonable time. The lawyer can and should put this in any settlement papers before you sign a thing...some judges will also make the ex pay back the spousal support you haven't gotten due to his plan... I hope they fry this fish!!!The hotter the grease the better...Lets me see, in the First Wives Club I would be Bette Midlers character...LOL

Boy! You sound so much like me! I have felt exactly how you are feeling as far as the attorneys go. I too have gone thru 3 different attorneys. The last one would get me all fired up about what we need to do and then he wouldn't do it. I would ask him to do certain things... and he agreed and then wouldn't do it, making my situation worse. He'd make excuses and back pedal. So, as much hassel as it is, I found another one. I am hoping this one goes well. As for temporary support, I do believe there is a way to get that. Go to your local court house and ask around. I know when you get a restraining order, you can also ask for temporary support. I believe when you file for a divorce, before it is final you can also file for and be awarded temporary support. You need to be supported. In times like this, and maybe I'm a bad mom to think this, but I would feel like dumping the kids on him and say, hey, you take care of them so I can go to work! I mean really, why does the woman get stuck with the kids and no support while the man hoards his money and doesn't take any responsibility for tending to the children. It's crazy. They are his children too. He needs either to support you or take them off your hands once in awhile so you can work. Especially if he's not working! Men just tick me off. I have no interest in ever being in a marriage with a man again! They seem to all be the same as I listen to story after story of the same sort of plight women get stuck in with men.
Best of luck.

He's probably living off the money he's hoarded and invested.

I had the same expectations of my attorneys and wondered if I too had too high of expectations because of tv shows etc.!

I think we women are just so not in the same space as men and this whole process just takes us all for a loop! It stresses us out, they drag things on, they play difficult or tell their attornies not to cooperate with your attorney....making the process long and painful. They also try to intimidate and scare us.To them it is a game to be won. We just don't see it that way at all. We are in in for survival and our children, they see it as war. We just want to get on with our lives but we do have our children to care for since they don't seem to want the responsibility of the day to day care and they don't want to pay for it either which is the problem.

Diane -

You've asked a really good question: how IS he paying for things? A few months ago I found out that he has an investment account that he managed to keep hidden from me (boy, do I feel dumb, but it is not in my nature to be suspicious), and whatever joint investments we have made over the years were not registered in my name, even though i distinctly recall having signed the ownership documents. Some of these have been uncovered, and my understanding is that he is not allowed to use them until the court decides how much of it is rightfully mine since we have been together for 20 years. Predictably, he is contesting it altogether, and my lawyer is pretty sure that he has found a way to siphon them and has been doing so for quite some time. The trick now is what to do in the meantime for money until the litigation is over, and afterwards in case things do not go my way (which, believe it or not is not impossible, from what other women in my position have told me). I found part-time seasonal work which is a starting place for sure, but the pay is really terrible and won't even cover my heating bills for the month.

SJ -

What I keep hearing over and over again is that in a divorce, most women want to be fair, whereas most men want to win. I guess that pretty much sums it up, doesn't it? I am soooo sorry to hear that you are going through this as well. I'm with you, though, I don't understand how a man can sidestep his children and lose his personal integrity in the name of the almighty buck! It would seem to me that he would want to do the honorable things and make sure that we are provided for, considering he was the one who filed for divorce and I was the faithful, supportive wife to the bitter end. I guess there is no longer a social stigma attached to a father who won't even support his own kids. We already know that very few people put a value on raising children and providing general support to the family unit. That does not speak well of our society, does it?

In any event, please feel free to sound off any time. Female support is the number one thing holding me together these days, and I am happy to be there for you.

I'm learning that it is critical to separate your hurt feelings from this whole thing and treat it like a business venture. The trick is to remain centered and concentrate on getting justice because our entire financial future depends on it. Success will be the best revenge.

May we both find it!