foundhervoiceatlast, please don't consider yourself dumb. Being the trusting, loving soul is the honorable thing to do.

I hope you and SJ can be of support to one another during this difficult time. Be strong, stay confident, and don't back down.

I haven't given an update lately on my divorce so here's the latest. (For those who don't remember, I was married 24 yrs to a man who turned out to be gay and was being investigated by the FBI for downloading child porn)

He has delayed the court date 4 times. It has now been 1 year and 1 month since the sheriff first arrived with a search warrant--my first visit to an attorney was the same day.

The house hasn't sold and the lisitng agreement ran out. I relisted with a different company hoping to get better results. By law he has to sign the listing agreement. It came back signed--with an addendum sheet!
1. Not only will we look at offers for straight sales, we will look at contract for deed, lease purchase, rental, land sale--this keeps me at risk since my name has to stay on the mortgage.
2. He has to be informed 24 hrs. BEFORE anyone looks at the house. That will knock out anyone who drives by, or is in town for a weekend to look at houses.
3. He will be informed how any showing went within 48 hrs.
4. All open houses must be approved 1 week in advance by him. No other reasons for going to house without a 1 week in advance ok by him.
5. If I don't give him a key tothe house by Dec. 9th the contract to list the house is void!

He continues to tie my hands to get the house sold and get away from him. He hasn't helped pay a single bill since he left town yet..I am supposed to allow him to set the terms by which the house is sold?

And any unconventional sale leaves me vulnerable--if they stop paying I'd still have to make the payment--he has't helped yet, does he really think I'm stupid enough to beleive he would start then????? If he's sitting in jail because of the child porn how would he help make a payment?????

I just can't believe this is happening! I'm soooooo frustrated--and I can't get back into court in front of a judge until Feb. 6!

Anyway I have ameeting withthe attorney this Thurs. eve. Sorry to vent!

PS It may not sound like it but it is so worth going through this to get away from him. I didn't realize how destructive the relationship was and didn't have any idea he had a secret life going but oh, the freedom in knowing!

So when does he go to jail...sounds to me like he is getting to make too many decisions.
Are they still investigating him? Have they charged him yet? How much longer can he continue to put the court date off?
If, he goes to jail does he still have the right to dedicate what will happen to the house. It's not like he deserves any of the profits.
Why in the world would you give someone the key to your house, especially someone who couldn't be honost about who and what he was.
Oh, I hope you have a lawyer who hangs him out to dry.
After being lied to for 24 years, he deserves nothing but jail time.
Can't imagine a jury being sympathic at all.
I'm not.
Hope all works out for you.

Do you have ANY say in this? Why is he making all of the rules? It sounds like he's just trying to make you as miserable as he can and that is just old fashioned guilt playing it's hand. He know what he's facing is out of his control so he's trying to control the only person or thing he can--you and the house.

I meet with attorney again on Thursday. I am going to refuse to give in on house. I am refusing to give him a key. If he feels that it needs to be open to others types of sales then he will have to refinance house and get me off the mortgage--I won't be left holding the bag when he goes off to jail.

Yes he has been arrested, released on own recognances. I thought once he realized the crimes stuff was real he would be so focused on that that we could settle the divorce thing quickly and easily. Evidently he feels he can fight two battlefronts at the same time.

I'm so tired...My mother died last year a month after I found all this out. She had lung cancer and it was a long painful battle. I haven't really even able to mourn her passing yet, because I am constantly being bombarded by this.

My pastor told my Sunday that he had gotten a letter from him, asking pastor to sit me down and talk to me about how much in sin I am for divorcing him. Pastor told me, not to worry, he recognized a 'master manipulator' was at work.

I hate living in limbo. I'd like to put up a Christmas tree and try to have a good Christmas, but I keep thinking, what if I have to move quickly, if all this goes sour. The mortgage company is screaming foreclosure. By the time I get home at night I am so worn out from spending the day in battle. And as a Christian I am taking my battle to prayer--I can't imagine trying to go through this without knowing Jesus.

I believe foreclosure can take up to three months so you don't have to skip decorating unless it's been that long.

Isn't it strange he sees sin in divorcing him but not in what he did? How convenient it must be.

Starting Over:

I agree w/ your pastor that your husband is a "master manipulator". Totally!

Regarding the home, since the delta alpha is being so very pedantic -- can you contact the mortgage company, explain and discuss any other alternatives? Most lenders don't start foreclosure proceedings until you've missed 4 or 5 payments, depending upon the state and lender.

I found the following literature which may be helpful:


Before taking back your house, most lenders would rather rewrite the loan, suspend principal payments for a while (have you pay interest only), reduce your payments, or even let you miss a few payments and spread them out over time.

If your loan is owned by one of the giant U.S. government mortgage holders, Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac, foreclosure could come even more slowly. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have been working with homeowners to avoid foreclosure when a loan is delinquent.

If your loan is insured by a federal agency, such as the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) or the Federal Housing Administration (FHA), the lender may be required to try to assist you in preventing foreclosure.

You're better off selling the house than having it go to foreclosure. As a general rule, if you can find a buyer who will offer to pay at least what you owe your lender, take the offer. If the offer is for less than the amount you owe your lender, your lender can block the sale. But many lenders will agree to a "short sale," where the sale brings in less than you owe the lender and the lender agrees to forego the rest. Some lenders require documentation of any financial or medical hardship you are experiencing before agreeing to a short sale.

Dear Starting Over,

I sooo feel for you! What is it about some men that makes them so emotionally numb and at the same time vindictive toward their wives, the only person who loved and supported them unconditionally for so long? Maybe it's that they feel totally out of control and are trying to assert themselves by harrassing the only person they know they can get away doing it to, since they're already in the groove and have been doing it all throughout the marriage! your husband should be hung by the shorthairs!

In the meantime, are you living in the house? What about taking in a boarder to help with the rent? Or, this suggestion from a friend of mine who has already been through this: could you move out of the house and rent it for a little more than your mortgage is until it sells? Is there anyone you could move in with temporarily? (I've been thinking about this option for myself...)

Please try not to let this ruin Christmas for you forever. I know how hard it is, but close your eyes and try to imagine yourself several years down the road. This horrorfest will eventually be nothing more than a bad memory and you will be involved with creating a new and happier life for yourself. You already know that you are happier without him, and that's a good thing to be sure about. So many women don't come to that conclusion until much later down the road.

I am slowly learning from my own situation that a large portion of this is male posturing, and your husband and mine can always find a unethical attorney who is willing to draw up any kind of threatening letter that he wants you to receive. It does not mean that he is actually going to get what he wants...he is just trying to wear you down so that you will abandon the fight and give in to his demands. Mine has done exactly the same thing, and recently threatened to sue for division of property according to another state's laws that would favor him (or so he thinks). His attorney warned me that if they succeed in doing so, they will remove all previous offers off the table (which believe me, were insulting at best after 20 years of marriage)and threatened to leave me with nothing. I've done a ton a research on the web, and my lawyer has consulted with everyone she knows about this, and we are both pretty sure that this cannot happen, because if it actually did - it would overturn every divorce case in this state for the last 20 or 30 years and set a new precedent. I think that this is just another intimidation technique so I called his bluff. I am not a poker player but it is never too late to learn. And if by chance they manage to overturn the law, I will deal with it when and if it happens. I've got enough real trouble to worry about without that now, like how to pay for heat and food, and deal with angry teenaged boys who don't know how to deal with their feelings towards a father who refuses to support them, is flaunting lovers in front of them, and has lost all semblance of humanity.

P.S. I'm sorry about your mother. Unfotunately we have somthing else in common. My dad was just diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer.

Foundhervoice-atlast.

foundhervoice and startingover, maybe you two need to begin private messaging one another for support. Just listening to one another's stories may ease the pain.

startingover, I am so glad your pastor is wise. Keep going to him for support. I love foundhervoice's suggestion of focusing on the future. Just think of placing all the energy you are using on this divorce on another positive topic like how you want to live the rest of your life when all this is behind you. What a great idea.

You are both in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I had better words, or knew how to hlep...