I know we all have very busy lives. But it hit me last night, all of my friends have scattered and there isn't one person these days I can call and say "hey, let's get dinner, or go to a movie." One got married, so now she can't even talk on the phone because it might take attention away from her hunny. Another is tied up with family commitments. Another has a new boyfriend and has gone bonkers. Of course, when relationships end, they all want to hang around and do things, but it seems like they can't maintain multiple relationships at once.

Last night, talking on the phone to the man I date, he told me that he didn't think that any of them cared anything about me. He backpedaled a little when I told him that made me feel alot better. I do agree with him to a point though. I was awake a long time last night "reliving" the past few years. I'm always "the giver", always going out of my way for people. Most of the time that doesn't seem like a two way street.

Anyway, all this to say, I know that the only thing constant in life is change. So it's time for me to move on and find some new friends, nurture some new relationships.

Easier said than done. Any suggestions?

Whirlwind

JOIN THE CLUB Whirlwind, I thought you were describing me and my so called "friends!" I even tried the new friends routine and wound up with new friends and old friends taking advantage every chance they got and yet never being there for me. Personllay, I give up! From the day I became an adult I have been the giver, the visitor, the doer for everybody in my life, now I reep the rewards, the fact that it is expected of me now. There is a saying, that we are treated the way we allow people to treat us and in my case it's apparently true.

Oh Chatty and Whirlwind, I wish you were next door. I'd bring you a cup of tea (or a drink!) and visit -

You guys have all of US!!! But I guess that's not the same as having friends to do things with.

Our neighbor lost her husband unexpectedly last fall, and since then, she hasn't heard from hardly any of her married friends. We include her and her daughter any chance we get - she's still fun to be around even though she's not a couple anymore. Why don't people see that?

Hang in there guys - we're here for you!!
Kathy

I'm the same.
I have a couple of sisters I see reasonably regularly for lunch, about every month or so.

I have a friend from high school, I have known for 35 years who lives 5 hrs away so we talk every week on the phone for 2/3 hours.

A couple of other not so close friends I see once in awhile, apart from that I spend most of my time on my own.

Have to say, I do tend to like it that way though. I have lead the sort of life that has made me self reliant and I totally enjoy my own company and get a bit frustrated if I feel my private time being encrouched upon.

That being said, I have a joke with my long time school friend that when I die, I will only fill the front pew at my funeral

...but at least they will be all people who really cared!!

[ May 17, 2006, 09:04 AM: Message edited by: Izzy ]

Whirlwind, I'm rather glad you broached this subject. Although by different circumstances, I'm a loner (due to social engineering) and am slowly learning to embrace. I've learned that when I do try to become a social butterfly I am out of my territory, yet am acknowledging the time I have w/ myself. I have very few friends and am not close w/ my family even though we live but a few miles apart. Lately, my new friend is a mare I'm leasing for the summer . . . and my movie buddies are my cat and dog! Together, we've decided we need a larger sofa! As far as social contact, I attend Church a couple times a month and night school for masters program. I entertain myself with the animals, reading, gardening, shopping and enjoy garden centers/antique shopping and seem to strike up a conversation in those types of environments.

Like Rick and June, wish we were nearer for a cup of tea and desert, too!

I find myself at home alone on a Sat. night. I called all my friends and they are all involved with their grand children or something else. I am single and have been for almost 12 years. I seem to be in a phase where old friends are too busy because they are married or caring for elderly parents, whatever the reason, I feel very alone. I am a teacher and have the summer off but am finding that few other people have the time to just go to a movie or eat out. I don't go to church and don't want to just to make new friends but I"m wondering how else do I meet anyone?

Busy lives. I could never understand how one can be too busy to spend a few minutes with friends. Imagine if God were to say: "Can't spare you a moment now as I am quite tied up, busy with Iraq and other things you know, hope you understand." So, with that in mind and spirit, I have always been available to friends. In the past, I expected all of my friends to be of the same thought and practice but discovered painfully that some people are not. Life is far too short to wait for these sort of friends to cross over and deliver. So, like in the Bible, I dust my sandals and move on. At the same time, I always leave the door open should those who are "too busy" suddenly find the time or the need to visit and renew friendships. And when it happens, and it has happened, I always pray to be blessed with the grace to not bear grudges and be able to give over. In-between the lull, one will always make new acquaintances and hopefully friendships blossom from these. So, sometimes "cracked" friendships can be a blessing. I treasure the friendships I have that have stood time and changes in one's life, give second chances to those that were waylaid and nurture the new ones I make. Some of the latter may be here.

I don't consider women who drop you when the latest man has entered their lives, true friends. But then, if a woman has married and doesn't want to talk on the phone when her hubby is home, I can understand that because there is another person involved and why should he sit there alone while she visits? It puts pressure on her, which isn't fair.

As we grow, our needs change. I have friends that I've let slip away because we no longer had anything in common. If a friendship becomes a burden, what use is it?

I've met lovely women in shops and we visit and discover we have a lot in common and will keep talking and suggest we get together for coffee sometime. It's a great way to make new friends.

Having just moved, I haven't ventured out to meet new women. I think I need personal time to reflect and be alone, which is just another stage of growth and I'm enjoying it for now.

I have several friends from my past who have popped back into my life. Most of them are married but I do see them on a regular basis. They make an effort to spend time with me - I am blessed by them. However, I spend most Saturday nights alone, except when my DGS visits me, because they are not available. I guess that's a part of being single at this stage of life, the 50 is the new 30 age.

My gripe is with friends and family who don't have time to answer a personal email (even just to say I'm too busy to write much now) but they always seem to have time to send forwards! When I get only forwards from people like that, I don't even read them. If I get one from someone who also keeps in touch and acknowledges my emails and pics, I always take the time to read their forwards.
It's not that I don't understand busy...I'm raising 8 kids, working full time and running my husband's business, but when someone takes the time to keep in touch, I make the time!

Hi, Jackie: How blessed you are to have 8 children! So very blessed! I have just checked out your link and the section of your personal interests reads just like my personal scrapbook and that of my friends from school...to a T! It is so uplifting to find someone of like mind and spirit. God bless you.

My best friend of 33 years just moved from my town to another state 12 hours away. I am devastated. I miss her so. We talk almost daily on the phone, but it is not the same. What will happen to those impromtu dinners and that cup of tea we shared? I will visit, but how often can I do that with working full time and other family obligations? I am one that doesn't like change, can you tell?!

We recently had our 30 year highschool reunion and I was so amazed that prior to the get-together I was able to connect with classmates I literally hadn't seen in 30 years.

We have now begun to keep in contact and it's just great. Some of the people I started wrwiting to were classmates I never got to know in highschool - time changes everything I guess!

The Internet sure is a help in staying connected. I've also been able to know people I went to school with and I'm really enjoying it. And, these new friends stay in touch with others so it's been a double blessing.

Pam...I'm so sorry. You must feel so sad. You're lucky to have had such a good friend for so many years. I'm sure you'll stay in touch but in a new way.

Pam R...boy can I relate. My best friend moved to Alaska to teach school. She's on the most northern point...on the Belgin Sea. She had to learn to use the computer & email, or be isolated...so it was a good thing in a way. I have another very close friend and the three of us meet at a certain time on Sunday nights in a private chat room. This way we all three stay in touch with our lives, get to tell of upcoming events and just hang out together. It's not like having them in the same town, but ....

Lola, thank you for your sweet comments! You're right, I AM blessed...however, God, if you're listening...please bless someone else!!! At the rate I've been going, I won't be an empty nester till I'm ready for the home...

PamR, I truly understand of what you speak, I have always hated change and still do especially when things are going great or seem to be....

There are good places to meet new people. What are you passionate about? Consider volunteering. Join a book group.

When I first moved to AZ alone after my divorce, I had a hard time meeting new people. I found that volunteering, going to community events, and going to lectures etc. at the local library really helped. Finding volunteer opportunities in an area you feel passionate about is, I think, the best way to find 'like-minded' people.

When I was ill for so many years, the computer brought me back into contact with many classmates.
I even found my bridesmaid, and we are planning on meeting in our home town in the fall to celebrate my 60th birthday.
Recently separated from husband after 41 years, and she divorced after 36 years.
She now lives about 5 hours from our home town, so she will be driving up while I fly down.
We'll see some old classmates that are still living in the home town and then drive back to her new home.
This will be the last time that the both of us plan on seeing our home town, but hope the memories will be nice ones.
As far as meeting new friends, I'm doing it all the time, and it's so nice.
And right now, I have to say my dtrs. are doing a good job of taking care of me and keeping me out of trouble.
Took me out to the casino last nite and got to see Bill Cosby! What a hoot!
Lynne
Finding friends and keeping friends isn't hard.
It's just up to them to want to stay your friend.

OK, I'm going to try to take some pro-active steps. There have got to be some clubs or organizations I can "try on for size", places to meet people who have similar interests.

I'm getting to the point where I'm happy just going to work and coming home. I've always been a social person, and don't want to turn into a total hermit.

Wish me luck...

Whirlwind

Good luck!!

community college classes is another possibility to consider - we have some great off the wall classes in our area

Let us know how it goes!!

I emailed whirlwind to see how things are going. I hope she'll pop back in soon.

I'm here Dotsie, I've just been lurking lately. Thanks for checking up on me! I have posted, most recently under the "vacations" section. We've had a very funny conversation going on (seems like I'm the only "nature girl" in this wonderful bunch of women. But I told you all I was strange when I first got here and you welcomed me anyway. LOL).

I've joined the "Sisters On The Fly" camping club, and plan to go to their first event in October. That is gonna be a blast.

I've started teaching scuba again, and met a nice lady on the last Florida trip. She's single/divorced too, and we have alot in common. We're going to meet for lunch/dinner soon.

And I have realized that there "are" people around I can call on and count on. Now, I'm not talking about "best girlfriends" (what I was looking for), but friends nonetheless. Friends who give AND take (the way it's supposed to be).

Lastly, I've allowed myself to admit that I'm a bit tired of being "the lone ranger" these days. I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and this was a big issue. Since getting divorced, I've had a tendency to keep any possible romantic relationship at arms length. Some of you know that I've dated someone for about five years now (off and on), and we've had our ups and downs. Well, he's been in Australia for the past three weeks, and I've been "evaluating" that too. What better time to break up, than when you've had three weeks apart already? He's done and said things over the years that I haven't liked. But, I haven't always been that easy to be around either (Lone Ranger, remember? I never took off that hat.) Anyway, I've spent some time going over my journals. The "ups and downs" ended about a year and a half ago, and since that time he has tried in every way possible to be the perfect companion. Last weekend I came to the conclusion that maybe I need to "take off the hat" and see what happens. The only big downside is he's always said he'll never marry again, and I'm not big on "shacking up" forever. Yesterday I had an email from him, and it sounds like he's thought about a few things too while he's been gone. Not sure what (if anything) might change, but I DO know I can't wait for him to get back to Atlanta tonight. Three weeks has been a LONG time.

So now you have my update. How about the rest of you gals, any news to report?

Whirlwind

Whirlwind, good for you. I think sometimes the declarations we make to ourselves are the best because it's almost like giving ourselves permission to go forward, you know?

Check out this woman's "movement." Talk about some guts...

http://takemeoutforlunch.blogspot.com/

She has said she wants 100 men to take her out to lunch.

JJ

Jawjaw, what a kewl link! Looks like some fun, entertaining reading. And yes, she is a brave one.

I can't wait to dig into her blog.

Whirlwind

Whirlwind make sure if he is thinking about changes that he is thinking about them for the right reasons NOT because hes been away from your goodies for three weeks and he's hungry, so to speak...

Chatty, I don't know if he's thinking about changes or not. I'm "hoping" so based on a couple of emails, but deep down I know that I'll probably end up having to decide if this issue is a "deal breaker" and move on. I'll give it until Christmas.

I'll admit, I've "fed" the "I'm an independent female" monster for years, and that could be why he was attracted to me years ago. He broke up with the long term girlfriend before me because she wanted to get married.

Funny, until about 6 months ago, I would have told you that I'd never do that again. But slowly, those feelings are changing. Maybe I've been by myself long enough now. Maybe I don't want to be known as "granddaddy's live in girlfriend" by his granddaughter. Who knows. I work with several very happily married men too, so I'm constantly hearing the "happy couple stuff." Maybe it's wearing off on me.

Is anyone else struggling with this issue? I'm curious.

Trouble is, we get along great. We like all the same things. He gives me the space I need when I need it, and doesn't make me feel guilty about it (and I do the same for him). And he's supportive of everything I do (including joining the ladies' camping group. He wanted to buy me a camper, but I wouldn't let him). Truthfully we've been through alot together, good and bad. The fact that we're "still" together says something to me.

And this may be TMI, but there have been no "goodies" for about four months now. So that is not the motivating factor here.

Time will tell I guess. But thanks for the thoughts/advice.

Whirlwind

Whirlwind, you said:

Trouble is, we get along great. We like all the same things. He gives me the space I need when I need it, and doesn't make me feel guilty about it (and I do the same for him). And he's supportive of everything I do (including joining the ladies' camping group. He wanted to buy me a camper, but I wouldn't let him). Truthfully we've been through alot together, good and bad. The fact that we're "still" together says something to me.

This is interesting becasue I could say the very same things about my husband of 27 years. Married people can act the same way.
I think this is a great topic. I'm going to begin a topic in the Singlehood forum called too marry , or not to marry. Let's see what women have to say.

Good to see you!

Jackie, I totally agree about the email forwards. Let me just paint you a picture...Last June my father fell and broke his hip - as you can imagine, i was running back and forth to the hospital, and then to a nursing home where he was soon brought. Meanwhile, my friend was moving and had no one to watch her dog so, of course, she asked me. I managed to carve out the time and watched him from around 8 in the morning 'til around 4 in the afternoon. Oh, she was so grateful (blah, blah, blah) and "we're as close as sisters" and "our families should spend Christmas together", etc., etc. Keep in mind, there were many other times over the years when I helped her - drove her to the dentist when she was having panic attacks while driving, drove her and her son to the doctor when he broke his foot, etc., etc.

About 4 weeks later, my father passed away suddenly. I realized my friend had just started a new job, so if she didn't come to the wake, I'd have understood. But...she never called anymore and never had the decency to send a sympathy card or Mass Card. I wouldn't have expected flowers because I knew she wasn't in great financial shape. But since that time, I have NEVER heard from her again! Yet, I must be in her email address book because at least several times a month I receive a forward from her. And the joke is that the forwards are oftentimes religious (this is another case of people "talking religion", instead of LIVING IT.) and even more often about friendship, which I find pretty funny! I usually just delete them.

I have learned not to hang onto anger over things like this - I try to let it melt away. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt.

klmr, Sorry to hear about your dad's death. How are you managing.

What is your friend thinking? Are you sure something isn't going on in her life? Has she behaved like this in the past? What a hearbreak. There is no excuse.

Willistar,

Welcome! Looks like your first post. You have found a wonderful group of caring friends here.

It is a challenge to find time for friends these days...but then it always has been on some level. I remember when my girls were little that my best friend and I took turns not working. When one of us was available--the other was at work. Not fun!

Now, when you add elderly parents, grandchildren, work, new and old relationships, children and all that to the mix...it's any wonder that we ever see our friends at all.

Jackie,

I agree...if they can forward...they can say hello!

Dianne,

I try to call friends and my daughters when their husbands aren't at home. I don't want to infringe on their little bit of time together.

I agree with Dotsie, NO excuse! I have also become aware that some people spell "friendship" differently than most of us do....Their spelling is SELF-CENTERED, sad but true. Drop the b-witch, she doesn't deserve your kindness or concern. So sorry about your loss. HUGS

Thanks, Dotsie and Chatty...
I'm not managing all that well, really. Last year I not only lost my Dad, but also my Aunt and Uncle, with whom I was very close. I had cared for my father and also for my Mom, who passed in 2002 (a victim of Alzheimer's). Previous to that, I cared for my other Uncle, who had terminal lung cancer, and before that, my ex, who was seriously ill!
During all of this, I also raised my two grown children.
So...now it's just me and I really feel the loss of those who were close to me. I am trying very hard to find my way. I had been hoping to sell my house and make a fresh start, and then the real estate market went sour...

At any rate, it has really helped me to find all of you wonderful ladies...it's good to know we can share our joys as well as our burdens...so thank you very much!