OK, I KNOW I'm living in the dark ages. But what ever happened to good old fashioned "dating?

I guess I've been "out of the loop" for a long time. But it seems like everybody these days not only expects sex on the first date, but to stick like glue and be together 24/7 after that.

What happened to dinner and a movie or (insert your own favorite activity here), that ends with a kiss goodnight and no overnight company?

What happened to taking things slow and getting to know each other for awhile? And enjoying the process?

Just curious as to what other people are experiencing.

Whirlwind

I think things are the same as always from the mans point of view and I do date but am casual and NO man gets any farther than good conversation and a nice meal and hopefully a lot of laughs. I believeyou are treated exactly the way you allow yourself to be treated by a man on a date. If a woman is hard up in her own mind and acts that way, of course a man will take advantage if he can. But he will not admire you, respect you or love you, how could he? Be a lady at all times no matter what the world around you is doing. I would rather be alone than on loan! I feel sorry for those who disrespect themselves so much that they turn into something cheap....Its a lose, lose situation....

I think the same way you do Chatty Lady. I respect myself too much for anything else.

There is a guy I've seen a few times over the past few months and he's pushing for more. The other night, online, he made the comment that "it was easy for me to resist him." I felt he was trying to make me feel guilty for not "fitting him in" last time he was in town (and he wanted to stay at my house).

I pretty much "lowered the boom" on him, in a nice way. I told him that it had nothing to do with "him", but I neither wanted nor desired a boyfriend or a relationship right now. Because I just truthfully don't have the time or energy to devote (I work close to 50 hours a week and maintain a household, on my own). And attitudes such as his (whining because he didn't get to see me) was NOT going to make me change my mind.

That was not "entirely" true, but I am always worried about other people's feelings. Let me add that this person retired way too early, has very little money, is basically homeless, and is a romantic, "looking for love." I don't want to be cruel and point out to him that most women are not going to "fall" for an able bodied man who has no place to live and is basically a gypsy. I understand the "live your dream" mentality, but I also understand being responsible and taking care of yourself.

He ended the "conversation" saying maybe we could get together next week when he's here. No "strings", just some good talk and maybe mutual backrubs. Are all men idiots, or just the ones I come across?

On another note, tonight I went to a country music concert, and David Lee Murphy performed. Now I don't get all excited over entertainers, so don't take this the wrong way. But if I could find a decent, hard working guy who liked the same things this guy claimed to (camping, cooking out with friends, scuba diving, yadda yadda) I "might" be tempted to put a little priority into a relationship. LOL.

Whirlwind

Why would any man imagine that any woman in her right mind wants a man that doesn't work though he still could and is probably just looking for a meal ticket and soft lace to land. Boy I could write a book on that subject. Been there done that but to my defense, I didn't know ahead of time that "I DO" meant and won't ever again. Whirlwind if and when you get invloved make it with a man that can improve your life not invade your space...I may wait forever and thats fine with this Boomer gal....

Well, Hey!!! here I am again, updating you all on dating...Last night I went to dinner with a fella I met thru Yahoo personals, and with whom I had corresponded sporadically for a couple of months. He had called me several times, and so I felt comfortable meeting him for dinner. The dinner was nice enough, but I sensed that he had many unresolved issues about his divorce, as well as a recent relationship in which he was abandoned by a younger woman. I ended the evening by saying goodnight at his car. Today, I received a nasty email from him, primarily because the evening didn't end with sex!!!!! What's that about??? I had just me the fella! I felt no attraction to him, and why, oh, why, would I want to become physical with him?
Now, about this "gypsy" fella you mention, Whirlwind...I am recovering from a relationship with a man who kinda fits that description. An unemployed Ph.D. (in Psychology). I was tremendously attracted to this man, but knowing his financial status, I was careful not to expect or impose on him when on a date. That is not a good thing. Also, I became physically involved with him, and have posted about it here. It ended disastrously for me, and I have paid dearly for my lack of judgment. I think, unless a man is capable and willing to show you that he values you, by paying for dates, and a willingness to share, it will end as it did for me. This same man, the Ph.D. is probably going to be hired in a college teaching position soon. He would have, no doubt, abandoned me had I stuck with him, once he gets a valid income. I was just an easy target for him while he was unemployed!
ARI

whirlwind...I have to agree. What's up with having sex on the first, or second date? How in the WORLD can people do that? Don't people have any respect for themselves? I feel so old fashioned.

Also, run the other way for your gypsy friend. You don't want him working his way into your heart.

Ari, be careful! Do these Yahoo men know where you live?

I sound more like my mother every day!

Chatty, I love, "I'd rather be alone than on loan". Amen.

Remember, they can find directions to your front door if they know your phone number. Thanks to Google. Use your cell phone number. I don't think that can be traced...YET.

Dear Dotsie

You are in no way old-fashioned Dotsie. Believing in who you are and being able to sustain that, your feelings and your heart and your actions are the foundation for a good life and the food of the spirit and soul.

In today's times we are not taught to be strong within ourselves because that would have an effect on market share. Sounds strange though, doesn't it. Media, fashionable viewpoints all generate fear to get us to follow societal trends. Being original and strong within yourself doesn't play well and it doesn't sell products or sex.

For women to give up their strength and inner knowing of what's best for them to suit the trend of the moment just because its fashionable is just society's lie. It's refreshing when women allow themselves to become strong in who they are.

For my part I haven't dated in over a decade, a) due to illness and b) because I found that real love comes from such a deep place in the heart, this surface existence that society lives in the dating scene has become just a ghost to me.

A SECRET WE ALL NEED TO KNOW
There is a beautiful light that lives within all of us and the journey is to bring this forth, the stronger the light within grows (and this is a quantum effect) the higher the consciousness rises and this permeates all the cells and when that happens ladies...this magnetic energy within will draw to you men within that consciousness... where the heart and truth really live outside of what's fashionable.

I'm sure there are some absolutely fabulous men out there, where the heart touches their soul and just knows and feels integrity and beauty, but society today has taught men not to go deep into their heart and their beauty, rather to stay positioned on a surface reality that informs them how to act in the moment. When men start to realize that there is a greater journey than what they are told by society, a journey within, then indeed life would be very interesting, the men richer in character and beauty.

Society has caused a great deal of pain within the men and they don't even know it, their heart's repressed from childhood, having to live in a surface understanding of what a man should be. I have felt the beauty of a man, his heart the wildness of spirit and the depth of his soul, it brings tears to my eyes when I remember, the character, the strength, the integrity and the ineffible sadness of enduring a society's ways that is ultimately taking away the inner strength of a man...

True love, the heart and its merging with the other, the light, the beauty and the soul of peace have become my guideposts, although a sadness within my heart that took many years to heal, still lives when I remember the beauty and the tears of love.

A TIP:
Often we fall in love with the energy a man exudes, but there are many energies, the energy of his soul(what he has loved), the energy of his personality(how he acts and reacts in daily life)the magnetic energy, charisma, ie the light within him that he exudes that sometimes confuses us because we are so drawn to a specific energy within him. We think we're in love but really we're in love with the energy. To really know a man takes time if we can't recognize all of the energies within a man, some of them conflicting. For example, a man's heart and love of his soul and what he loves may be very beautiful, but how he was taught to think in regard to communicating within this world and what he was taught to expect fashion his personality which may be in total opposition to his heart and soul. Sounds strange, but that's what happens when a man moves away from his inner being and becomes attuned only to the surface living of societies' dictates. I'm not against society, it's just that society comes out with these trends called fashion that is geared to the market place. There is no division anymore, where the soul can live in peace without having to contend with the demands of fashion.

But have peace ladies, it's important to keep becoming the beauty of who you are on this ever present journey and enjoy you! Because that's something we can always count on! The best to all of you!

Leigha

That's a beautiful message, Leigha! Thank you for posting it. My experience, unfortunately, is that men do not look for the "soul," the heart of a woman, but more toward the physical. Because of that, I am on the "journey" now to find peace alone.
ARI

Dear Ariadne

The world was designed to see only the physical, aside from religion. Unfortunately, the spirituality of the heart has not been addressed, how to use the application of spirit within the physical world.

And so the men see only what they see and feel only what they want to feel, until the call within comes.

There are many men who are also on the journey to find the peace within. One day, such a one as this will appear and you will be blessed Ariadne.
But you can't look because it only happens when you're not looking, for the mysteries of your heart will bring you your greatest desires.

And the journey of the heart, the road to peace is the greatest desire there ever lived and within that peace you will know greater desires that will also be fulfilled.

One day within the light of time, your heart will draw to you the greatest love and within that love the blessing of life lives and the sharing of hearts, however that appears.

We just have to let go, move within and see the dreams that come and the life that will open up in each step, in each piece of beauty we encounter. For that is the law of the spirit and of the heart.

Be well and be happy, remember who you are inside, the beauty and the peace for that encompasses all and bring the dreams to fruition.

With love
Leigha

Leigha, that was lovely.

Let go and let God. It's much easier said than done, but when we do it... we are the winners along with God who joyfully showers us with His blessings.

We simply need to open our eyes. They are happening all around us.

I recommend a gratitude journal.

I did this years ago. I had a hard time finding things to be thankful for when I began. After a few weeks I couldn't stop writing. This activity alone can change your thoughts from negative to positive.

Dear Dotsie

A gratitude journal is a wonderful idea Dotsie, a beautiful way to stay focused on the beauty within and without.

Thankfulness is the heart's way of saying truth exists, beauty exists and the abundance of life exists rather than the lack, and thus allowing us to experience more of the same beauty.

The heart is so mysterious, when we let go life flourishes, when we try to control out of fear we create pain and anguish.

Love the mystery of life and the gift, how beautiful, how enriching, how loving. What more could we ask for. The heart of God himself living within, the gift.

Thankfulness, the heart of it all.

I would like to thank you Dotsie for the beauty of your heart that has brought together so many women for healing and sharing the love that lives inside us all. I am grateful that love such as yours has brought together so many women for healing and sharing. May happiness always walk with your days and may the light of love always be reflected back to you.

With love and care
Leigha

oh Leigha...thank you so much. It's my pleasure! Funny what happens when you open your heart to the Holy Spirit. We are blessed beyond our imagination.

Dear Dotsie

To touch another's heart is the greatest gift. To bless the beauty of another brings only joy and great light. It is with deep gratitude that life has brought to me the heart and spirit of the love that lives within the beauty of your heart.

Thank you Dotsie for your lovely words and yes the Holy Spirit, the life breath of beauty shines with such great love we are all blessed.


With love
Leigha

Dear Smile

Thank you for your lovely words and may love always bless your light and your heart.

With love
Leigha

OK, I KNOW I'm living in the dark ages. But what ever happened to good old fashioned "dating?
===================================
Wirlwind.
Try these chunks from my review of the book "Just Not into You." It may have the answers you seek.


Page 55 He’s not into you
This is what it should look like. By Greg
My friend Mike liked my friend Laura. After band practice he asked her out and now they’re married. My friend Russell met this girl Amy And they dated and got married. My friend Jeff met this girl out of town and went and visited her the next weekend and never stopped visiting her until he moved in with her.
It’s really that simple. It’s almost always that simple.


This is what it really looks like. By Sparticuss

My friend Trish was a very prim and proper type. Professional virgin! Dated heaps of guys but she was so prim and proper in style that she was the one who usually had to do the asking them out. Ended up asking out, what appeared to be just one more guy and came back from that first date engaged. I don’t know who actually proposed the marriage but she was the one who had asked him out on the date. They have been happily married for almost twenty years now. One thing that amused everyone was that she still made it to the altar as a virgin bride. But only because they got engaged and married so fast.

My cousin Anne was minding her own business in a bar when a drunk came up and started chatting to her. Nice guy! Out of the blue he suddenly proposed to her. No phone calls, no dating. None of the “usual” stuff. She politely turned him down but noted his phone number anyway. She rang him back the next day, when he had sobered up, to find out if he remembered proposing. He did remember, he was dead serious, and he still wanted to marry her. They have been happily married for twenty years too.

My workmate big Joe had his wedding arranged between his parents and the girls parents when both he and the girl were children. Both he and the girl flatly refused to play that outdated game. At least they did until the day that they actually met. They have been happily married for twenty years.
So what do these three have in common? Only that the marriages have all worked.
They have nothing else in common at all. That’s just the point. No dating, no phone calls, no flowers, none of the usual clichés that the media, and only the media, trots out as the magic keys to a successful relationship. The one thing that any amateur or professional relationships counselor knows is that true love follows no specific plan or pattern. None at all.

Hey, I'm new here, but am I the only one who doesnt mind being celibate? I've been single one year after a very long marriage. I've dated men from Yahoo personals, too, match.com and a few from dance clubs I met. They always want sex before me but isn't that usually the way? High School/College was a very long time ago but that's what I remember. Also, I kind of like having that kind of power. The question is, what is right for me at this time. For now I don't want casual sex, but ask me again in, oh, one year after TWO years of celibacy and I might give a different answer. As long as it's safe between two consenting adults, what's the problem? I've met so many interesting women since I've been single and it seems there is as many ways of handling the sex thing as there are women. Men seem a little more less complicated. When I asked one man I had seen 4 times if he expected to stay over he claimed "no, that would be too soon." But when I asked him if he would if I invited him, he smiled and said, "well, sure, after a little arm twisting I could be persuaded." I liked his honesty. I tested it by asking if he had a condom and he said no.

Hey, I'm new here, but am I the only one who doesn't mind being celibate? Dont' we women like sex, too?

Nope Natasha you certainly are not the only one. Between my second (he died) marriage and my third I stayed celibut for 14 years. Then married thinking I needed sex and looked forward to it BUT was wrong, he was unable or unwilling who knows? So actually I have been celibut for over 20 years and date and have a very active social life not missing anything....A good friend of mine and I met the same man at the same time and he and she dated and had sex. I said no and that if thats what he wanted then "bye bye, see ya!" Well the good Lord was watching ovewr me because this was the only man my friend slept with and she has recently tested positive for HIV at the age of 50 something. Think about this the next time you have a hankering for some slap and tickle. Buy a vibrator, they work well and do not infect you or cheat on you either.

Gosh, Chatty...what a story! I've been happily married for 31 years....but how scary what happened to your friend! Thank goodness you had the good sense and intuition not to follow her footsteps.
As a boomer, I have to say...the dating scene sure isn't what it was in the 60's. Today it could be a deadly encounter. Very scary!

Don't you just love all of Leigha's messages? They always inspire me.

I once went out with my girlfriends and this guy asked me to dance and it was a slow dance and he basically was trying to hump me on the dance floor and when I pulled away the idiot said, "Oh, I get it. You're involved with someone." Like that would be the only reason I wouldn't let some stranger rub against me.

Thank you, Jesus, that I'm not single anymore.

I can relate to that Diane, I've met my share of those who only are interested in playing around.

Today I've spent some time sorting through old family pictures, with the intent of giving them out to the appropriate "branches" of cousins, etc.

As a result of that I'm in a very nostalgic mood. And for the first time in a LONG time, am wondering if I'd like to have another relationship with a decent man. Somebody tell me to come to my senses!

Whirlwind

If you can ever find a decent man, grab him, cherish him and hold on for dear life...but alas they are as hard to find as a dinosaur!!

They are out there and they're as scarce as hen's teeth. But they ARE out there. Just be yourself and KNOW what YOU are looking for.
Good luck and keep us posted. Oh!...and sometimes it happens when you quit looking
chick

LOL Chickadee. I haven't been looking for a long, LONG time. Can't believe I've already lived alone for almost six years now. And have enjoyed 98% of it.

Don't laugh, but I can see myself in a "Golden Girls" arrangement with girlfriends much better than I can see myself married again.

I WOULD like to find a few compatible travel companions though, male or female. The friends I have either have no similar interests when it comes to vacations (I love the outdoors), or else they have no money and therefore can't go anywhere.

Whirlwind

whirlwind, you are so smart to embrace your singlehood. I wish women would also embrace their marriages too!

My group of friends that I've known since first grade often talk about doing the Golden Gril type arrangement. We never know what lies ahead, but it's fun having options.

I have a divorced girlfriend who joined Match.com and although she hasn't made any real connections yet, she's met a lot of interesting men and had a ton of dates. Keeps her out of trouble. She always meets them during the day in public places. She's having a ball.

I've been single and married and divorced and remarried and whatever. I loved being single and I love being married.

Not that I am always blissful by any means, but when I can find the good in my situation and embrace whatever is given to me, I am most content.

Single can be a lot of fun, especially if you can find a travel partner. I faced the same problem when I was single. Women my age were either still working or broke. I never found a solution for that. Maybe there's a website.
smile

Dianne now thats a great idea. Just don't tell them where you live or give them a phone number unless you can screen the calls. I date socially for dinner but then go home in my own car. I always say I have to meet them wherever because I will be coming straight from an appointment and that works good. I prefer to go out with the girls however and have alot more fun too...always!

You should be careful giving out your home phone number anyway because with 'reverse lookup' they can put your phone number in the computer and find your address and a map to your house.

A friend showed me that and it scared me.

I don't think that works with cell phones though so I suppose you could give that out to anyone without fearing they would track you down.

smile

I'm afraid to invite one "possible" travel partner because she is wild. Older than me, but she'll sleep with anybody at the drop of a hat. Dangerous and stupid in my mind. I much prefer a good book on a balcony somewhere over the bar scene.

Another possible travel buddy would be so clingy that I'd never have a minute alone. There has GOT to be a solution!

I am considering going to one of my favorite island destinations alone this fall. I have always wanted to do that (and know quite a few people there). And it doesn't hurt that there is a man I've always been just a bit interested in who lives there (I'm not desperate, but I'm not dead either. LOL).

Now, before you all have a stroke, I don't even know if he'll be there when I go, and yes, I WOULD go anyway whether he was there or not. The point is to get away and have some solitude and get some rest. But it wouldn't hurt to have dinner with a hunk, IF it worked out (and IF he isn't married, I don't even have that tidbit of information). He did give me a hello hug and kiss on the cheek last time I was there, and said he'd tried to email me. But, he could have been emailing due to business. I was with a big group and never got a chance to find out. In any case, nothing wrong with a little fantasy!

Whirlwind

[ August 10, 2005, 11:50 PM: Message edited by: Whirlwind ]

WW, have you considered a cruise for singles? I don't know anyone who has gone on one but it sounds safe and fun. Just a thought.

Chatty, I was so bad, when I was single and a guy would ask me for my phone number and I didn't want to give it to him, I had the Dial A Prayer number memorized and gave that to him. Then I would pray I never ran into him again. LOL!

I've heard of singles cruises too. I could be wrong, but I'm afraid that would be a real "meat market", and more suited to my wilder friend.

Guess I'm a fuddy-duddy at heart because I don't want or need 24/7 activity and "fun."

Whirlwind

Maybe you could find a group of women who want to go to the same destination as you.

My cousin's wife, who is recently widowed, has been traveling to Europe a lot with female friends but I'm not sure where she met them. I'll try to find out if she is home.

There are ads in our local newspaper for singles wanting a traveling companion. My friend from Chicago answered an ad met a nice man and they became friends and they have traveled to Greece and to Rome and are going to Ireland in a month. They have separate rooms yet share meals and excursions together. She says he is very funny and sweet and they have a ball together, neither wants to take it any further. Sounds like fun to me with none of the hassles.

[ August 14, 2005, 10:12 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Dating really is rarely any fun. The guys I like don't like me and the ones who do like me I don't like them.

I did the Match.com thing. One guy had tatoos all over his arms and legs - and they were of cartoon characters..... One guy was about 20 years older than his picture and he electricuted his puppy for discipline. I don't believe any of them expected sex, though. I always met them somewhere.

I was shopping with one guy I had been casually seeing for about a month. He shoplifted right in front of me!!! I immediately had him drop me at my car and he actually said "You're going to stop seeing me because of THAT?"

About 5 years ago I was engaged for a short time to a guy who lied about how many children he had - and the 2 extra were 4 & 5 years old - the entire time we dated, he never had them on the weekend. And he didn't understand that I ended it because it showed his true character, that he was not trustworthy. He thought it was because I didn't want kids.

I am a weirdo and sociopath magnet, both with men and women friends.

Good grief! You could write a book on bad dates. My word.

And that's only a drop in the bucket......but at least I don't keep them around.

My friends have always said I should write a book.

Its a good thing you don't apparently. My Lord, what a gaggle of geese these men were, they would qualify as cartoon characters tatood on that one guys body....I hope you reported the man that was abusing his dog....???

Chatty lady, the guy was using a shock collar with a hand held zapper and the poor dog was just a pup. But it was legal and he bought it at a pet store.

Legal torture, my my what will man think of next????? I'd like to use that held hand zapper on this creep....dam!

OK I've seen it again. A couple who just started to date, traveling and basically "living" with each other. And one of them saying "if it doesn't work out, maybe we can still be friends."

I repeat.... Does anybody "date" anymore? Or do I just need to "get with the program" and realize that things are different now?

There have been a few (well, maybe two) over the years that I would have liked to "get busy with". But I didn't, thinking I had to follow the perceived "rules." Well, I'm about to say "to hell with the rules" and just do what "I" want to do, instead of what I think I "should" do. Things are changing with me.

I'm sure some will disagree, but....

Thoughts? Criticisms?

Whirlwind

WW,
I don't date and I really haven't stopped to think of "why" either. Well, not in the last two years. I guess time is one factor, and other than a couple of guys, no ones asked! ha!

One of those guys got furious when I wouldn't go out with him after the first (horrible) date and called me two days later and said he wanted me to pay for my half of the meal he had bought. HA! Fat chance. Especially since I was so turned off by his manners and ME, ME, ME, mentality that I just picked at my meal and HE ended up eating that one too.

The other guy I adore. He is what I call "marriage material" and I do miss him. But I don't have time to call him every day and go somewhere whenever he wants me to, and so...

However, I will tell you that while I'm not afraid to go places by myself, I am certainly more cautious than I use to be. Especially if I were to take a cruise, alone that is.

Having said that, I'm like you. If I want to do something, I just do it. Believe it or not, I am NOT a party animal. I was in my younger days, but now I too would take a good book over a party any day.

I say go for it. If it is something you want to do, do it! If you feel comfortable on a journey, tour, or whatever, and want to do it, why shouldn't you? I wish I had the money to travel, I'd love to travel with you. And I really, really, really, don't talk that much either. Honest injun.

JJ

Thanks for the thoughts JawJaw. I'm sure we'd get along just fine, I like you and I haven't even met you in person yet! Maybe one of these days we'll have a "Boomer Reunion Weekend" somewhere.

I've booked my solo trip to El Caribe, and I am SOOOO looking forward to it! It's really easy to meet people and hook up with new friends at a dive resort. And I've been to this place so many times it's like "home away from home" anyway.

And I know what you mean about "dates." The only guy who has asked me in the past year or so is a co-worker, "nice", but we have NOTHING in common and he is very rigid. If it's not his idea, or something that he really likes to do, he won't. Period.

The man that I've been seeing for years (we're basically just friends now) hasn't taken me on what I would call a "date" in years. I didn't even get a card for Christmas last year. In his mind he "made up for it" on my birthday, but he just doesn't get it. It's not the gift or lack of a gift, I couldn't care less about "stuff." The first year we were together he was having money problems and couldn't buy gifts. But he hand made me a beautiful card, and to me that was special, I loved it.

Oh well. Carry on Boomer Girls!

Whirlwind

WW
Do tell more about El Caribe. I'm totally lost in geo... I've been to Scotland (I could live there easily) and to England (its was okay, food sucked) and a lot of the U.S., but mostly for business, or if it was for pleasure, it was too toursity for me. I love small towns and home folk. They are so friendly, and you learn so much about their culture. I love the US and would also love to travel from state to state. Course, who wouldn't? ha!

Yes, we will just have to force Dotsie into having a boomer retreat! How cool would that be? Course the only roomie I could have would be one that snored... yes, I sound like pipes gone bad.

JJ

Although new to this forum, I would enjoy a boomer retreat! Small town or South America, either would interest me. I too, have been to Scotland, loved it, very expensive, yet lovely sights, shopping and decent food.

MustangGal,
Did you go to Edinburgh? Walk the Royal Mile? I love that place and could live there for sure. The people were so friendly! Have you ever been to Ireland? THAT'S my next biggee.

JJ

Ireland? That's on my list too! A friend of mine at work has been there a couple of times and she still raves about it.

This next trip I'm going to Bonaire. I've been all over the Caribbean, but I've never been to Europe. Guess I have some "catching up" to do.

Oh, Alaska is high on the list too.

Geez. So many places to go, so little time (and money) to make it happen.

Sigh...

Whirlwind

MustangGal, how about NYC on October 2nd and 3rd? Are you up for that? BWS has been invited to be in the outside audience with weatherman Dave Price on the CBS Early Morning show on the 3rd at 7:00 AM. Want to join us? It's not exactly a retreat, but it is a girl's-get-away.

WW, dating just sucks. Next week I'm going out with a guy I dated last year. We broke up because I do not like sports and he's a sports freak. But I guess I'm going out with him again, because he's heads above anyone else I've met lately. He is a gentleman, his kids are grown and drug free, he has his own business, is very responsible and is generous. But he is pretty negative about things and critical and he actually expected me to attend 6th grade basketball games.....UGH! Am I too picky?

Daisygirl

Thank you Dotsie! Such a sweet offer, I'd love to see New York! Yet, I'm committed to a breast cancer event and walk that weekend. Keep me posted of upcoming events and I'll be certain to catch you gals!

I don't think "picky" is the right word. There is NOTHING wrong with being "selective" and not settling for less than what will make you happy.

Just because you date somebody doesn't mean you're tied to them forever. As I was reminded recently by another on-line friend, there is nothing wrong with having somebody to go out to dinner with, or to some other activity with, when we know they are not "the one."

I don't like sports either and haven't been to or watched on tv any sort of game since my ex moved out. But, if the guy is going to watch his 6th grade son play ball, that's just a part of being a good dad. Actually I'd think less of him if he didn't do that. If you really don't want to go, don't go. Unless you're in a committed relationship or are really crazy about the guy, I don't think you're out of bounds by saying no to that activity. I'll bet he'd have no problem at all telling you "no" if you asked him to do something "he" didn't want to do, so don't feel guilty about it.

I'd have a much harder time dealing with the "negative and critical" things. The older I get the less tolerant I am of that sort of attitude. Only you can decide if you can put up with it every now and then.

Have you ever talked to him about that? He "may" not realize he comes across that way... Just a thought.

Hang in there. And have fun on your date, that's the whole purpose of going!

Whirlwind

WW, all his kids are grown, he coaches these boys and none of them are his. He coaches 2 teams, one of them travels all over the U.S.

Well, if we would start dating again, I'm sure he learned not to push, smother,or manipulate me. We'll just have to see what happens.

Daisygirl

Daisygirl: Sorry, I missed the "his kids are grown" part.

Ugh. Going to games just because he is coaching? I see what you mean. Unless you were friends with an assistant coach's wife or something, I can't think of much else that would be more boring.

Going every now and then might not be too bad, but I could never do that on a regular basis again. I say "again" because I spent several entire summers following my ex around to play softball and soccer. He was on two teams. Both played and practiced every week. We worked in the same place and only owned one car at the time, so every day after work we'd head to one ballfield or the other. Looking back I still wonder why I did that for so long. Live and learn I guess (older/wiser and all that stuff). LOL...

Whirlwind

Yes, my ex and my son are sports freaks also. Some vacations we visited empty stadiums - I am just burnt out on it all and have no desire to see anymore games. However, when my grandson starts playing something, you won't be able to drag me away from the ballpark.

Yes, I wouldn't mind going occasionally to a game, but last year he asked me to put a weekend a month for 3 months on my calendar to help with his tournaments. NOT! I think that is something a wife would do, not someone he's dating.

Anyway, I guess I'm giving it another try to see if we could possibly date without so many expectations.

Daisygirl

Daisygirl,
I think you are so right to have expectations of your own. I too dated someone that practically insisted we "run" with his crowd of friends every single weekend. He lived in my hometown, so I would travel home, (because my Mom/Dad still lived there) and we would date on the weekends. Always surrounded by his friends, always talking about their kids and "the game" that week and not once did he say, "hey, is there something else you would like to do this weekend?" I tried suggesting things but soon realized he was disappointed in anything else we did, like movies/dinner. If we went out to eat, these people would mysteriously show up at the same place we were dining. Hello? I'm talking two-three couples and about 8-10 kids. As it came time for school to start back and football season, he even started talking about how I would fit in working in the concession stand at the high school. Huh? Not to me directly, but in front of me. I would look at him like he had certainly lost his mind! He never caught on, not until I told him AND HIS FRIENDS in no uncertain terms that I don't DO football, and I wasn't spending every Friday night working some school's concession stand.

He was tickled to death we were dating and was dumbfounded when I said, "you know, this isn't working for me." I explained as best I could, and he said things would change, but I knew he wouldn't be happy doing so, and I felt it should have been obvious. If he can't see I was bored out of my mind, then he wasn't paying attention to the right person if you ask me.

Oh and did I mention that one of these women in the group was constantly flirting with him? Very uncomfortable for me.

Anyway, he was a super guy and had some qualities I loved dearly, but I think he was looking for a sport's mamma.

I say you have the right idea! One doesn't have to be 100% compatible, that would mean they were perfect and who is? But give and take plays a major part. If this guy had said to me, "you know, I realize you don't like football, so how about I do this on Friday, and you and I can go out on Sat?" I would still be there. No joke. But...he was clueless.

Not only that, but he did a terrible impression of the 3-stooges at a dinner one night. Oh good Lord. When he did that, he didn't know it, but he was history.

JJ

JJ, I said the exact same words, "this relationship isn't working out for me." I didn't date him long enough to see what it would've been like with his friends, but I have a strong feeling it would've been similar to your relationship.

He was willing to take me to places I liked, but I could tell he just didn't enjoy it. He never watched anything but sports, no movies, no music, no news, just sports, sports, sports.

I think a lot of men use sports as a way of distancing themselves from relationships.

Daisygirl

You said:

I think a lot of men use sports as a way of distancing themselves from relationships.

I'll add:

A lot of them live the dream they never were able to fulfill by watching sports. They are armchair atheletics. What they maybe didn't get to do in their younger years, they get to do by watching, coaching, etc...

I've also known some men who coached simply because it was the ONLY thing they could be in charge of! ha!

Anyway, we are probably both right, eh?

JJ

JUST for DATING this guy sounds like a good one to me. Date him, enjoy the attention and the dinners etc. Heck my ex loved and loves baseball, constantly games live, on TV and he would record those to show endlessly. Now back to your friend. If he is good to you and you enjoy him and have fun, take a book to these games (I use to) and it'll be over before you know it. I never should have married this man, bad move. I ran out of books, LOL

JJ, Yes, I do believe we are both correct on why guys love sports.

But have you ever been with a guy who you really connect with? One guy I dated ages ago, was creative, fun....well, okay, creative and fun. But I could talk about hairstyles, decorating and we even made our Christmas wrapping paper together.......the only problem was he was a shoplifter. It was like dating a girlfriend.

I guess I am questioning whether to wait on someone who I do have more in common with and risk getting a cheater, or another slim shady, or overlook some things I don't like and respect and enjoy the things that are really more important.

Chatty, I will take your advice and just enjoy the dinner. He is more amusing when he's not around his sports friends.

Daisygirl

Daisygirl,
I think the standards you've set for yourself are excellent and I wouldn't lower them, if it were me. Think of it like this...if you've ever had a choice whether or not to buy that dress you just loved, or get the one that's "okay" simply because it was cheaper, and you bought the one that was cheaper... how satisfied were you with the decision you made? If you are like me, you would wear it, but every time you did, you thought about the one that you REALLY wanted. Thus, you were NEVER satisfied with the cheaper one and usually ended up letting it just hang in the closet, or give it away. Course when you go back to get the other one, its gone. eh?

I think about what Daddy always told me and that was, "you deserve the best if you BELIEVE you deserve the best."

I also think that you made a very wise decision by dropping the guy who shop-lifted. A person that will steal, will do anything and in my opinion, could NEVER be trusted.

Have I ever been with someone that we "connected?" Yes, once. I let him get away for the cheaper version. Sigh...

JJ


JJ

JJ, the most important qualities are integrity, honesty and decency and I know I would be miserable married to someone without those.

I also ended an engagement with a guy who lied about how many kids and ex-wives he had. That was also an indication of very poor character. Bye bye.

Daisygirl

Sorry, I can just picture the guy hanging inthe closet.

LOL! Dotsieeee made a funnnneeeee...

You go girl!

Daisygirl, you sound pretty wise to me. I can't imagine you needing advice on the dating issue. I say you would be a better candidate to give advice to the rest of us! Go Daisygirl!

JJ

She is the one dating after all isn't she. JJ and I may as well be hanging in our own closets, boo hoo!!!

Well, wouldn't it be nice if we could just hang a man in the closet and take him out when we wanted something repaired, or the trash taken out......and for a little romance?

I'm not really dating - I think I'm too crotchety to date anyone long term.

Daisygirl

I went to dinner last night with the sports guy. It was pleasant and we will do it again probably, but not this weekend because he has to go out of town for a baptism. I think he's over his previous relationship a little more and is not so assuming. When we started dating before, he had only been single for about 3 or 4 months. He basically replaced his ex's name with mine on his schedule of theatre, ballgames, dinners w/friends, etc.

You go girl....have a ball, why not?

Well, guys, I already told you that my date with T went very well and we decided we would see each other again. Well, I hadn't heard from him since, except for an email saying he's busy and maybe we could get together next week. Well, I've written him off, but I just wonder why he went to the trouble of sending me a letter and getting back in contact with me. What is with these guys?

Daisygirl

Hello Ladies,

This is my first day on the forum. I am looking for advice. I am recently separated. My husband and I tried to work things out last year but it just didn't work. My husband is a wonderful man, but we were not as compatible as we originally thought. We dated for only 3 months before we were married. Our marriage lasted five years. During our last year we were separated more than together. When we were separated for one extended period, I became friends with a man I worked with. My husband and I reunited, and my colleague and I remained friends but whenever my husband was cruel to me, I would compare my friend to my husband. Inevitably I began to have feelings for my friend beyond friendship but I kept them to myself. In fact, I became rather distant to my male friend.

This September my husband and I separted for our last time. He has filed for divorce. I then told my freind I had feelings for him. I became very immature and could not tell him to his face, but wrote him a short note and dropped it at his home (we are neighbours in a condominium building and no longer work together). He immediately sent me a response (again written) and suggested that he had always considered me a friend and that he would like to have dinner. He gave me his phone number, said "no pressure" and left the ball in my court. I didn't call. I was too embarrassed, mainly for writing the note in the first place. That evening he knocked at my door very late and very inebriated. He was quite harmless because of his physical state. I let him in. Please understand, I am not the type to have sex on the first date but I am terribly attracted to him and my feelings have built up for over 18 months. We kissed that night. Many times. It was wonderful. I felt no guilt. We did not have sex. I was very happy. The next morning when he sobered up and went home, I expected he would call but he didn't. He was embarrassed for knocking on my door in the middle of the night. He tried to reach me several times over the next few days, but I was always away from home. He finally sent another note, begging forgiveness for his behavior. Then he went on vacation and has been gone for three months. He will return home within a few days. I have no idea how to go forward. I really like this man but do not want to appear desperate. He made it clear in his initial note that he would like to be friends. He left for his vacation saying that when he returned he would invite me to dinner (he loves to cook). He is a lovely man, we are both in our early 50's, he has a good income as do I, but I just don't know how to go forward because I don't want to appear desperate, nor do I want to loose the freindship that we have shared, but...I am physically terribly attracted to him and am afraid that when he invites me to dinner, I will have sex with him and then he will, as you all think, loose respect for me, and that will be the end. My friends tell me I must play this as if I were a fisherman. Play it very slow. But, I am not a player. I wear my heart on my sleeve. And...I really like this man....But...he has a reputation for having more than one female "friend".

Sorry I have been so longwinded. I am very nervous about his return. He has not called since he left three weeks ago but a friend (male) of his told me today he may come home within a couple of days....

Any thoughts would be very much appreciated.

Cin

Cin, welcome to the site. Glad you found us.

I am going to pass on a little bit of wisdow for you to consider. My baby brother and I were talking about relationships one night and this is what he said from his male perspective.
If he took a girl out on a date and she was an every day run of the mill girl and she refused to have sex with him that night, he would respect her, be more attracted to her and want to date her again. If he took out a drop dead georgous blue eyed blonde girl(his description) and they got it on that night, he could care less about her from then on. He said most of us (men) won't turn down sex with any woman but we really don't want a first nighter as a long term relationship. We wouldn't want a woman like that for a wife that's for sure. He added yes, we are pigs...it a male thing. But loose women have to take some blame too.

I think these words are worth considering from the male point of view. Now here's my point of view.

There is nothing more precious than learning about one another and becoming true friends before lovers. There is so much you can do together, so many places to go and enjoy. Some night later on when a (((special))) moment arises, you will have a memory to share and not become ashamed or bitter because of it. You will be glad you waited.
You mentioned he came to your place inebriated that night. I wonder why he came over that way? And many other women friends(friends only?) Be careful that you don't get hurt in that case. A player is usually only looking for one nighters. Some cause for concern here, do you think?

On a lighter note...wear your worst underwear(or rip them) so that you'll be ashamed to take your clothes off.

Whatever you do, Just be careful and know that if you are planning any relationship, getting to know each other comes WAY BEFORE getting it on. You are a woman...Look after yourself. Be strong and stay strong on how to handle this situation.

Hang with us. I am sure many other replies are coming your way. Out of curiousity, what do you think is the right thing to do?

warmest welcome
chickadee

Chickadee, that is great wisdom!

cin, the thing that jumped out at me was that fact that he came to your home drunk. DOes he have a drinking problem? If so, I'd say run the other way. Drinking masks all kinds of problems.

I laughed so hard when I read the advice Chick gave about the underwear.

I hope you'll continue to post. Welcome.

Dotsie:
I would agree completely. One would think he would be sober if meeting a woman he likes and respects, and in the middle of the night? That is dangerous for a single woman. Cin, is this the fist time he has been drinking in front of you? Does he make it a habit? If so, I would take Dotsie's advice and run, not walk, in the other direction. Alcohol indeed hides problems, most often very major. If your interest is longterm, that is a no-bo. Also, when you say 'friends' you seem to be saying women he has had sex with? Does he have a reputation for this? That is another bad sign for any relationship longer than one or two nights, most a week. Women are trying to move away from that....

Cin:
I forgot to add - did your husband or anyone in your family drink? Perhaps you could be looking for familiarity if that is the case. Did your husband leave you or did you end the marriage? This could be another condsideration in what you are facing. Are you just looking to 'jump in with both feet' to forget about him?