A dear friend in Ocala contacted me the other day exceptionally upset. She was needing someone to talk to and also get advice. I was so torn as to what to say and thought I would get feedback from my smart Boomer women.

My friend has been living with a man for about 6 years. She does have an adult son who has medical problems that is still living with her. Her boyfriend has always been kind and attentive not only to her, but to her son constantly helping with whatever demands his sickness brings. He is very supportive of her in all that she does. I always felt as an observer that he loved her so and there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for her.

In any event, one day she decided to use his computer since he had a faster connection, to check a link he had sent her. To her surprise, when she jumped on the computer, he had not logged off. Innocently, she opened up the email he sent her to get the link. She noticed though that he had sent the same link to someone else and she thought that was odd. She opened it up. The link was about some upcoming seminar that my friend and her boyfriend were both going to attend and he had told this person that he should have a day "alone," and would they be interested. This jumped out like a red flag! She found out immediately the recipient was a woman as she started looking into all previous emails.

Needless to say, what she saw in these emails shocked, appalled and sickened her. She said not only was there sexual talk, but a month before they relocated from Miami to Ocala, (which, I think was about two years ago), he had written this woman an email saying that his relationship with my friend wasn't going anywhere, they had no future and he was only in it for a partnership and sex. I can only imagine how I would feel if I was in her position seeing this!

She immediately started packing her bags just wanting to get out and away. He called her at that time and asked her what she was doing. She said she was packing and leaving him. She said she was screaming at him and sobbing telling him everything she knows. He said it was nothing. She hung up on him. She said he rushed home and cornered her saying he loved her and this was meaningless. He had been playing online with this woman since 1998 and they have never met. He told my friend that he loved her, wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and he was very stupid to continue on line with this woman while he was with her. He begged her forgiveness and said he would stop this immediately. He said he doesn't know why he let this go for so long and continue as it has. It was just stupidity on his part.

After telling her how much he was sorry and how much she meant the world to him, he had to get back to work. That's when she called me stunned and sobbing. She doesn't know what to do and didn't leave yet, although her bags are still packed. She doesn't understand why such a mature, God driven man would do something like this, especially since he always made comments about foolish men and the things they do. She felt he was above this. From what I know of him, I thought so too.

She said the very next morning he emailed this woman saying that although they have never met and have been emailing since 1998, he is ending it. He loves his girlfriend very much and doesn't want to jeopardize his relationship with her. He wished this person well saying goodbye. He copied my friend on the email he sent.

Now she's torn. She knows the goodness of this man, but can't help but think of the things he wrote during his time with her. Even though he never met this woman, she still feels violated and feels that he broke a bond of trust. One minute she wants to forgive him because she believes he is sincere and remorseful, and then another minute she is plagued with so many uncertainties. She is very withdrawn and quite sad. I spoke to her yesterday and she said due to his work schedule, they haven't talked about it. In fact, she barely talks to him only because she has withdrawn so. He doesn't seem to be pushing it and is letting her remain quite just being at her side.

I wasn't sure what to say. I feel so bad for her and she's in a lot of pain. I know her religious beliefs make her want to forgive and move past this situation working it out. He told her that he asked God to forgive him and now he is asking her for forgiveness. I know she told him she did forgive him, but I know too from talking to her, that she is in so much pain, she truly hasn't. Perhaps time will make that more real. I don't know.

So, I ask you, if this happened to you, what would you do? Would you forgive and try and ignore what you read and felt, or would you feel that your trust was violated and had to leave, ending the relationship?

Perhaps the comments here will give me more things to comfort and say to her. All I can do at the moment is listen.

Pat, I've heard similar stories about how the internet, cell phones, and text messages are interfering with people's lives. This is so sad.

I would recommend they get in therapy and figure out why he was so attracted to this kind of relationship. There has to be a reason and that needs to be addressed.

Don't mind my curiosity, but why hadn't they married?

It sounds as if this man, though apparently not having broken the sexual bond, has broken the bond of intimacy by planting distrust.

Men sometimes don't seem to understand that as a part of the animal species, we all have physical needs for sex, but as human beings, created by God, we have a deeper need for intimacy.

Intimacy is dependent upon trust and trust must be earned. However, an important element of trust is forgiveness and forgiveness is given.

If this woman wants the intimacy to continue, she must first give the gift of forgiveness to both the man and herself. Only then can her mate begin to again earn the trust in which intimacy can grow.

Establishing intimacy is easier in the initial infatuation of love when the beloved can do no wrong. Re-establishing intimacy amid the shards of shattered trust though not impossible, is full of risk and extremely difficult.

Just my thoughts.
smile

Dotsie,

From what I have observed through the miles and years, it is my friend that has a fear of marriage. Her partner is sensitive to that and has never pushed the issue, although he openly tells everyone she is his fiancee and he plans on spending the rest of his life with her. I know at first she was annoyed with this "title," and spoke up about it. Knowing what I do of him, it is his way of letting her get used to the idea and possibilities by constantly saying it. She no longer protests these comments. He's a smart man in that regard knowing that she needs time and he's very, very patient.

That's why this recent exposure is so surprising to me...he's always been such a sensitive man. If I am shocked, imagine how she feels? Men...how can they be so stupid?

Smile ... your eloquent response is indeed, so true. I will keep that in mind the next time I speak to her. Thank you.

To Pat

I just wanted to say that the most important thing for your friend is to deal with the unexpected shock that she received. Shocks affect the brain and the energy within a person. It is very important that she not see herself in a way that devalues her worth.

The most important aspect of this is for your friend to acknowledge her inner strength. She has to move away from valuing herself only through another's eyes.

If she had strong self-esteem she would have told the man where to get off, then looked at her life and see what she truly wanted.

When a man truly values a woman, she is another part of himself, in such that he wouldn't betray himself and thus betray her.

A truly whole relationship is one that encompasses truth, heart, integrity and beauty but first one has to become this. Two individuals do not make a whole as most women and men believe. Men do not complete women and women do not complete men.

A whole woman within herself would attract a whole man within himself where relationships are not based on need. The fact that this man betrayed her shows that he has some need within him and he's playing in the dark, energy that becomes an addiction.

We all face two energies within this life, the light and the dark. Within Christianity that would be recognized as good versus evil or God versus Satan. It's still energy whatever name you put on it. A high beautiful vibrations that is light, ie God, the all encompassing force of love or dark, which is in essence the lack of light, or lack of God.

Within this man is a piece of darkness, ie an addiction that he must face on an energetic level and a level of understanding of his own weakness that lets this addiction feed on itself until he met the outcome of that addiction, ie his lady finding out about the emails.

Darkness will always be recognized so that the light can heal it. If she wishes she can go to him and suggest addiction counselling. Platitudes will not heal this.
These are strong words but they are the truth. You can't fool light or its energy. She must remain strong in her own light and see that she is beautiful and worthy of truth, honour and integrity.

With care
Leigha
Author of 'SUNBLOOD'