My daughter is a beautiful young woman. She's 34. She's going downhill mentally. She's on antidepressants but I'm watching her ebb away. Depressed, panic attacks, unable to sleep in her bed and goes to the spare room. Won't go out to make friends. She lives with me since my husband took a job out of state and we're very close. She took care of the house and animals during my last trip and when I came home she started crying and asked me to not leave again. While I was gone was when she stopped sleeping in her room. Says she just can't sleep there.

I have had her in counseling and she was better for a while but it seems she isn't happy in her body. Like she wants to die. I worry about suicide. I should add that she was molested by a family member when she was young but has blocked most of it out.

I don't know what to do. Help.

Dianne, It sounds like your daughter might need to get counseling again. You mentioned, she was feeling better for awhile, when she had it before.

Sleeping in the spare room and not her room because she just can't sleep there? Do you feel comfortable asking her to explain her reasoning for this,i.e. Bad dreams, something about the setup of that particular room?

She sounds like your daughter doesn't want to be alone. Dianne, our children, no matter what age, need us especially when life is not going well. I am glad she is with you so you can keep an eye or her. (your mention of suicide)

You also wrote about her blocking out molestation as a child. Do you think this has anything to do with how she is feeling?

Can you sit with her and talk, or is she not always open about her feelings? As a Mother of two girls, I feel for your situation and have added you and your beautiful daughter to my daily prayers. I hope it won't be long before you find healing process for her.

Luv
chick

Chick, she just said she wasn't able to sleep in her room. She's been sleeping in it for over a year so I don't understand this sudden change. Said something about anxiety.

She's hesitant to open up much. I can get her to go so far and then she stops, especially about the molestation. Yes, that changed her personality. It changed everything about her. I mean, she's a size two petite and thinks she's fat.

This situation makes me feel so helpless not being able to offer some wisdom. I know she is in the best hands possible but maybe she needs even more help than you can give her. I will pray very hard for you both....

Dianne, parenting never ends because of the deep maternal love we have for our children. I am so grateful she is with you and you can keep an eye on her. If you are concerned about suicide then it's time to get a professional involved.

You mention antidepressants. Perhaps she isn't taking the right medication or dosage. Perhaps if the medicine is switched you may see a change within a week. Remember, depression is a chemical imbalance that can be brought back to the center with the appropriate therapy and medication. I am praying for her to feel hopeful and to witness positive changes soon.

For you I am praying for guidance. You can direct her on the right path. I have faith in you! Sending warm prayers and thoughts inyour direction.

Oh, and have you asked her how you can help?

My husband was home so I didn't want to get into it too deeply with him here. I think I'll talk to her tonight. It really hurts to watch your kids struggle, doesn't it?

She just started a new job so I'm hoping that might help somewhat. Works with gals around her age. She just now called me asking if we could go out for dinner tonight. That's a good sign I guess.

I really appreciate your thoughts and words. Sometimes, we just have to reach out for help and this was one of my times.

I know I this is controversail, but please be very careful about relying too strongly on anti depressants. The long term effects of these drugs is only now being studied and previously known facts are only now being revealed.

Doctors and pharmaceutical companies market anti depressants for "Chemical imbalance," but there is no scientific evidence that such an imbalance actually exists. If there was an imbalance, it should show up in the chemistry of the blood or spinal fluid and it doesn't.

If there was a chemical imbalance, the imbalance should be treated, not the brain. Instead anti depressants treat the brain by altering the natural chemicals that cause it to react normally to negative life incidents.

Anti depressants are "treatments," but not "cures." They alter the brain's reaction to sadness. And by doing that they can exaccerbate an already precarious situation.

I respect anyone's choice to take any legal drug they choose, but I hope everyone will become an informed consumer before depending on medication for depression.

Long term use of anti depressants can actually exaccerbate depressive reactions. In the same way that pain medications such as tylenol that alters the brain's reaction to pain has recently been proven to lower the pain threshold, anti depressants lower the brain's sadness threshold.

The brain is smart. It protects you by forcing you to react to pain, both physical and psychological, by "feeling" it. If that feeling is depressed by chemically altering the brain, it will react more severely the next time. Eventually even a slight sadness can cause the brain to over react in an effort to get your attention to a potential threat and you may feel, not just sad, but terribly, possibly even suicidally sad.

If you change the dose, the type of drug, or stop taking anti depressants without very careful supervision, any type of sadness can easily induce suicidal thoughts.

Short term use of anti depressants can be a life saver, but proceed with caution and be aware that long term use can be debilitating.

Because I care about you and I care those you love, I beg you not to rely entirely on drugs to treat depression. The truth about these drugs is still unknown. Here's a website. Much is about children, but there is evidence of ill effects in adults as well.

http://www.antidepressant-drugs-and-suicide.com/news.htm

smile

Thanks smile. I appreciate the very good info.

I talked with her last night and she had gotten the flu and didn't make it to the bathroom on time and vomited on her carpeting. It was the cleaner that she used that triggered the feelings. Goes back to her dog and it's a long and sad story. So, we talked it out and she says she's going to start sleeping in there again. It was so bad, she used the other door to her bedroom to enter instead of the usual one. Her counselor taught her that when she was having trouble years ago.

I think all of her problems go back to the early molestation. It broke her spirit. She believes it serves no purpose to go back in time and relive it or talk about it. It happened and you just move forward. This person also molested my other daughter and she talked about it until she got it all out. Neither of my girls told me about it until they were older, in their 20's.

Dianne, soemone recently remarked that we are only as happy as our most miserable child. This sounds very negative, but I find it to be true. When our kids hurt, we hurt right along with them.

Praying she gets the help she needs to heal, and that you have the presence of mind to help her in any way that will move her in the direction of healing.

Dear Dianne

To help your daughter requires her to come to an emotional light that will bring forth a flooding of feeling. Her moving to a spare room indicates that she doesn't want anything to do with her identity, that she wants to move on....her action with regard to movement is at the physical level but she has to break through to the emotional level but the mind blocks it.

Maybe some regression therapy would help her. She would have to be monitored. You see when we are suffering and holding onto repressed emotional trauma at the psyche and emotional level we are dealing with submerged energies...EVERYTHING IS ENERGY...FEELINGS (whether positive or negative)...THOUGHTS (whether positive or negatives)...EMOTIONS(whether positive or negative...HOW WE REACT...THE VOICE INSIDE OUR HEADS, whether positive or negative.

She needs positive reinforcement of who she is..that she is a beautiful spirit...that her body justs houses her spirit and anything that was done to her body...is a thing of the past.
Always our emotions and psyce link with our bodies...we think we are our body when in fact we are mostly space and essence that makes up who we are...

She needs to clear the space within her...the spirit is made up of many layers of energy...layers that house many different lights...ie colours that represent different consciousnes...the spirit will house her hurt and clear it for her...but she needs to be in the light for that to happen and all that is required is she let go of past energies...I say energies..because it was an energy within the person that harmed her that had an intent to harm her.

If your daughter could understand energy and thus separate her identity from the trauma...the past then she will pass through this.

When we all come to understand that the biochemical reactions within us that cause pain and trauma are really originated from energy...our reactions, our thoughts, our feelings then we will have a better handle on our minds, our emotions, our bodies and our destiny.

We are not separate from energy...we can feel a malevolent presence within others...we can feel laughter in others...we can fee another's intent and that affects us at an energetic level, and so when we can come to understand that everyone is moved by energy, their own and the energy in their environment, whether its from people or a place we will not fall into trauma.

Remember it is energy first that affects the biochemical aspects in our brain. Educating the mind with this knowledge will teach the mind not to attach to pain.

To release your daughters pain will reqire many steps....but she will come through. Her light is moving her toward a direction where there is less pain..that is why she has moved to the spare room. It is important though for her to realize why she is doing this so she can take an active presence in moving forward.

The consious mind, when it becomes aware can heal the body and psyche very quickly. It only takes moments sometimes depending on the trauma. It is with the understanding that healing comes....wisdom, depth and truth are what she requires.

You have a great deal of light Dianne...listen within...the answers will surface to help your daughter.

With love leigha

i suffered with depression for a number of years, and i know it was directly linked to having been molested many times over a period of many years, however, it only takes once to severely injure a child emotionally as well as physically...
i didn't have an unhealthy body image in that i didn't have a body image at all...at 25 yrs old and 5'7", i weighed 120lbs -- too thin...
i was 30 when my oldest daughter turned six, the age i was when i was first molested...i began having nightmares the very night of her birthday party...soon after i began having what i can describe only as very imposing daydreams...my whole life i'd get "bouts" of disgust, a sense of self-revulsion i just couldn't shake...they came and went as they pleased...sometimes i would feel things and smell things that weren't there...i didn't tell my husband right away because i thought he'd think i was nuts, after all i did...we lived over 1,000 miles away from my hometown so telling anyone in the family was out...it's not like they would've or could've come to visit...i began seeing a counselor who was very helpful but my feelings of self-worth, rather the lack of them, kept me from going back for long...i joined a group and that was pivotal...i made friends who were saying what i was feeling but too afraid to say...when i became suicidal and said as much, a friend made arrangements at the hospital for me to go and she took me...i was there for 2 weeks, got on meds, felt like complete crap, went home, got a little better, felt worse, and finally went back to the hospital a year later...then i decided to tell all...i was sure i'd be locked up forever but i was already locked up by my own head so i thought i had nothing to lose except (and please understand this was a god awful tearful and horrible thing for any mother to decide) the love and memory of my children...it was a month before i realized i wasn't going to lose my children -- or my mind...i was sick...my heart and my mind were sick...not sick like ewwy, she's mental...i mean sick like my soul had the flu...
i would agree that not as much as needs to be known is known about antidepressants but the same can be said of cancer treatments...bypassing antidepressants when suicidal is a very bad plan...using antidepressants only or expecting them to be a miracle drug is also a very bad plan...
and if i were in charge, all psychiatric facilities would house fitness centers and salad bars...
my recovery was a relentless routine, no one part of which was more or less important than the next, and each was incorporated into my life one thing at a time -- and all with the help of my friends, my therapist, my psychiatrist, and my husband...
i learned a great deal before, during, and after, all of which i share on my homepage through writing and pictures...
it's not impossible to recover from the horrible effects of child sex abuse but it is very difficult for those going through it and for those helping...
"courage to heal" was my bible, my notebooks were my outlets as well as the use of my camera...
having a hyperactive daughter who had been in detention since she was 4 hours old went a long way in helping me as i could not sit still any longer than she did...i wrote about her also on my site -- "mother and child"...the only way i could sleep the sleep of the depressed was to get them to school, set the alarm for 2pm, and get them to bed promptly at 8pm...during this time my husband did almost all of the cooking and cleaning in addition to fixing things, the budget, etc...
the hard part was his deployments which came every year, 6 months at a time, for the first 7 years we were married...i HAD to get up then and i had to STAY up which was so difficult there aren't words to describe it...my friends had husbands who deployed also and many of them got orders as well as my professionals (therapist, etc) getting orders elsewhere so for at least one deployment it was just me and the kids...

it was so hard, i seriously wished to be dead in the morning so many times, and i can't tell you how profoundly disappointing it was to wake up alive some days...i had all my affairs in order down to the very last detail for just this reason...i simply did not want to live...i loathed who i was and how i felt...it still pangs me greatly to hear people talk of those who committed suicide as if they were selfish or some crap...if you've never looked at yourself in the mirror and were so disgusted and revolted by what you saw that you could barely decide between rope, knife or gun, then you don't know what that person felt and you should fall down on your knees praising the heavens that you don't know how that feels...
to come back from the edge of one's own existence, to face and then face down one's own demons (demons that originated with someone else and that had no right to invade a child's life to begin with), is astronomically hard...that it's impossible for some is as forgiveable as not recovering from cancer...

just as we all learn differently (some learn by touching, some by hearing, some by seeing, etc), we all recover from our traumas differently...everyone has a different way to the park, and some can't get there by just one mode of transportation...i'm very much like my hyperactive daughter in that i bore easily and that boredom sucks the life, energy, and motivation right out of me, so i got to the park via bicycle, pogo stick, hopscotch, running, walking, swinging from tree to tree, etc...
no one thing worked because it was going to take many, many things...high maintenance? sure...bad? wrong? not worth the effort? NO!

the beautiful thing about uncovering memories, as ghastly and unfit for polite conversation as they were, is that i also remembered my mother reaching between the slats of my crib and stroking my face...i remember climbing the first low branches of a tree with my greatgrandmother and helping her pick strawberries from her massive garden...i didn't pick them...i sat on the dewy morning grass and ate them off the plants while she told me stories that are still a little fuzzy but i remember how i felt and how she smelled and it was wonderful...

i filled many many notebooks, photo albums, and prescriptions in my long haul to get well...
i destroyed many a pillow by first screaming into them til i was so hoarse i couldn't speak and then ripping them to shreds...
i learned yoga, relaxation, meditation, and visualization...
i worked out a lot and let me tell you, there is no heavier weight on this planet than the weight of your own body when you don't like your body...getting it to move was soooo hard and getting it to keep moving was harder...i was fine some 45 minutes into a routine but i always had to stop and it was as if i had done nothing because the next day it was just like starting all over again -- and it was like that for about 6 months...but every time i worked out my brain cleared and i felt like i could take a full breath without seizing with panic and anxiety so i spent the other 23 hours reminding myself how good it felt, and while that played out as a big "so freakin' what?!" in my head day after day, my reminders did finally win out...

i can't stress enough that i didn't get here by myself...without my husband, my kids, my friends, and the professionals in my life, there's no way in hell i would've made it...maybe i could've done with less people, but there's no way i would've made it without some of them, most decidedly those who said they loved me...
it was so hard to unmesh my sexual self from the parts of me riveted with disgust, shame, and the tendency to throw up at the slightest whiff of old spice and craftsman tools...i had to have others reminding me constantly that sex and abuse are NOT the same, that it wasn't my fault, that i was the same person i was before any of that happened, that i could clear my system of the poison they left behind...

i genuinely feel like i'm on the "other side" of all that, that i'm where i was before they got ahold of me...i AM innocent, clean, pure, creative, funny, imaginative, resourceful, tireless, and pretty...

it was so hard, so hard on me and those around me...i literally owe them my life and i will always hold a special place in my heart for them...

there is a way through the horrible legacy that is being abused as a child, and for many those paths are going to be winding and numerous...yes, it will be frightening and weary and rife with sorrow and hard on every part of the soul and for every bone in the body -- and do it anyway! it is the best thing ever to get through it...
every effort lets in just a little more light, a little more of the smell of flowers you couldn't see before, a little more of who you really, really are...
that frightened me the most frankly -- what if i found out who i was and it was nobody or worse, someone i didn't like?
well, what if crickets had shotguns -- crows wouldn't mess with 'em...
i am someone, and i'm someone i like -- and the same is true of every woman i've been graced and honored with knowing who has done the same thing...
i was most fortunate to recover with over 1,000 miles of distance between me and those who should've been killed outright for what they did...but that distance wasn't enough to conquer what they did...
I AM what conquered what they did...i wear my honor bravely and with much pride because i earned this person i am with every bead of sweat, every tear, every scream, and every day i bothered to lift my head just one more time...

How very, very gracious of you to open up and try to help. You're a very brave woman and Leigha, I also appreciate your words. Ladies, you're both wonderful.

She's back in her room, started a new job and is exercising again. Looks like she's pulling out of it...finally. I think the new job is what's helping the most.

I appreciate your help so much.

msdiana thank you for your posting.

There is definitely a genetic component to depression. My 91-year-old mother has battled depression since she was 15 years old. I've battled it for my entire life. I grew up in a house of depression which was worsened by the death of my older sister (she was only 4) from leukemia when I was 2 years old and my younger sister was only 5 weeks old. My 17-year-old daughter also has depression. So, there's the genetic component and there are the environmental triggers. So, far my 15-year-old daughter has escaped the "family disease." For all of us, anti-depressants and cognitive-behavioral therapy have been a life-saver.

I don't care what the long term effects of anti-depressant use are because I know that the short-term effects of depression are devastating. Unless a person has been clinically depressed, there is no way that they can understand how horrible it is. I can truly understand why people kill themselves --- in their minds, it's the only way to escape the unrelenting pain.

We all have to do the best we can and use the tools that are available to us to make our lives that best that they can be.

Diana, your post was read with heartfelt interest. Thank you for pouring out your story in these forums where other women can read and learn from your experiences. I was touched by your battle and most grateful for your victory. I pray you live life to the fullest.

Dianne, I continue to pray for your daughter. I know it all comes in baby steps, but I'm glad to see she's taken the big step of a new job (frightening in itself) and is exercising again! Onward!

I started crying when I read your post.

When I was younger, I wouldn't go to school because I was overweight. We had to go to family court & I was sent to live at an all girls school.
I didn't belong there--the girls were from troubled homes--abandoned--and then some. I think I still suffer from being there to this day.

ANYWAY!!! I never realized what I put my parents thru during that time. I found my father's little journel he kept after he died & I cried my eyes out!!!

I so feel for you!!!! Do not give up on your daughter!! Try anything & everything to help her!
It might be the smallest thing that will mean so much to help her.

I am thinking of you & your daughter.

So many of your stories break my heart. You've been through so much.

She was forced to sleep in her bed when my oldest son and his boys came to visit. The boys slept with her. Seems to have helped. She started a new job and loves it so that has also helped. As I told Dotsie, she's started working out again, which is a good sign.

I deeply appreciate all of your help. Thanks so much.

Those are such good signs, that she can enjoy her new job AND has started working out again. I'll continue to keep her in my heart-prayers that as she begins to do these good things for herself, she'll also start to feel better about herself.

Dianne, as you know from reading my book, there is no cure for those surviving sexual abuse. But as msdian says, it is not impossible to manage the effects. I am glad to hear your daughter is doing better. As one who attempted suicide, I must admit that I often pretended to be better in order to relieve those around me from the burden of my depression. People often attempt suicide not in their most depressed state, but in their more energetic states. I don't care what the long term effects of anti depressants are. I wouldn't be here today had I not been prescribed the "newer" anti-depressants. Also, I could not recover from abuse without them. The meds helped me to cope and clarify so that I could get to the deeper issues related to being sexually and otherwise abused. On the other hand, anti-ds are NOT a cure all or a fix it. Mental health requires a variety of therapies, including counseling. One thing that your daughter has, Dianne, and that is you. As you know, my mother was not available to me. She thought that at 19 I was too old to live in their house, and she forced me out before I was ready to live on my own. How can a bird fly from the nest when the wings have been broken? How can a bird feed herself when her beak has been slammed shut with the duct tape of silence and stigma related to abuse? How could I create a safe nest of my own when I had no role models? Thank God your daughter has a safety net in you should she fall. I'm so sorry to hear about both of your daughters being molested. I would not bypass long term therapy for both of them because the effects of abuse rear their ugly heads time and time again without proper processing. Have you given either of your daughters my book? I wrote it for them. Also, they could visit my web site to see that they are not alone and for recommended readings. You might be interested in the article I wrote about the incidence of suicide after sexual assault ( I don't mean to scare you...just saying it is a common phenomena.) Okay, nuff said for now, Love and Light, Lynn

Kay B, If I understand your post correctly, the school reported your family for you not going to school. I went through being over weight as a teen. I had always been under weight. After the abuse first from my father and then from my brother, I used food to fed my emotional needs and to insulate my body from abuse. There were many times that I did not want to go to school. I was so ashamed of my body size that when I did it, it was in secret in the girls' lavatory toilet stall. Imagine eating lunch in toilet stall! My parents sent me to a psych ward for troubled teens. I learned more about how to abuse drugs in that ward than from the streets! I agree with what you said to Dianne: you never know when the smallest thing may reach someone. (Like Eagle's signature line.) I hope you, Kay, can clear your mind of that time in the girls' school, and relieve yourself of any guilt you may have for what you put your family through. You were just a child, my dear! Just a child! Love and Light, Lynn

Smile, I am not dismissing your comments about anti-depressants. I appreciate the information, and on some level I know your information may be correct. I agree that we cannot rely only on anti-depressants to manage symptoms. My mother was diagnosed clinically depressed, my father was schizophrenic as well as clinically depressed, my brother had ADHD before it ws even common to diagnosis it, my other brother lives in a chronic state of joy lessness. Obviously, there is a genetic component in my family! Oh, to be like Goldie Hawn, all happy and joyful all the time! LLL

Leigha, I have been able to seperate my identity from the trauma. I have learned that we were born innocent, spiritual beings, and that love and light is the essence of our beings. There is muscle memory and sensory memory related to trauma, thus the triggers ie. from a smell. I have used trauma to create my destiny: "Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved." I might rather have been an interior designer, or a celebrity who can hire an interior designer, but breaking the silence and busting the myths of abuse has become my life's work. I find a balance in watercolor painting, my pets, and horsebackriding. I am anxious to read your book! Soon! Love and Light, Lynn

Msdiana, I'm sorry to hear of what you experienced, and how you had to survive. My neice was 13 when I remembered what my brother had done to me when I was 13. At the time I recalled, I was 43. It was not that I had forgotten; it was that I had suppressed the memories so deeply because he had threatened me with my life, my mother's life, etc. You seem to have a very good understanding of abuse and how it affects our lives. All the methods you have used to recover are ways in which I started recovery. I'm glad to hear that you are on the other side. I too have become the woman I was meant to be before my dreams were extinguished by abuse. Well, almost. There are paths in life that I did not take because of trauma, and paths I took that I shouldn't have due to trauma. But those are on the physical plane. It's just too late for some things. On the emotional and spiritual level, I feel as though I am for the most part whole and complete. Dotsie says this well: "I am touched by your battle and grateful for your victory." Thanks for telling us more about who you are! You are brave and strong! Love and Light, Lynn

I would risk long term affects of anti depressants rather than ever face my daughter's possible suicide. Her PMS really kicked in the depression every month and her doctor put her on Prozac. It has helped her a lot.

I believe her new job has helped her more than anything.

Lynn, if I can ever get your book back from the woman I loaned it to, I will give it to her to read. I'm afraid though, it could be a trigger for her. It's hard to know the right thing to do.

Another good sign is she's put on a little weight and is comfortable with it. Jokes about her fat butt (now a size four petite) so you can see she isn't close to being heavy but it's nice to not hear her obsess over food like she used to do.

Hearing all your stories and how you have accomplished so much in spite of being molested and abused, gives me hope.

The catastrophic effects of anti depressants are not necessarily long term. The only long term effects seems to be that the effectiveness of antidepressants appear to be lessened over time.

The crises appear to occur most often when the drugs are either first introduced, the dosage or form of the drug is changed, or the drug is abruptly stopped or interrupted.

They catastrophic effects appear to be more common in younger people whose frontal lobe (the area where impulse control is thought to be located) is not yet well developed.

Taking or not taking any form of legal drug is a personal decision and I support anyone dealing with the traumas of life in any way they choose.

At the same time I urge parents to do their own research before allowing any form of drug to be administered to their children or teens.

smile

Re: anti-depressants

When I took my 17-year-old daughter to see a psychiatrist last fall to get a script for an anti-depressant (she'd already been in talk therapy for a few months and I thought that it was time to try meds), one of the first things he wanted to know was what anti-depressants I take. He explained that until scientists can pinpoint which drugs work will work for an individual, prescribing for a person is trial-&-error and the best place to start is to prescribe what a close relative (that's me) is taking. So, that's what he did, and, my daughter is much better.

I am hoping that by getting treatment now when she's only 17, that she'll be spared a life of constant depression and/or dysthmia like her mother and her grandmother have endured.

Hi Smile, thanks for the continuing information on anti-ds. That is so true about the front lobe and its development. I have increased my dosage of Celexa over the years. When I lessen the dose, I can quickly slip into depression. Even with all I learned, even with all the love and light, I can still slip into suicidal thinking when stressed. At least the process lasts only a couple of days, versus years on end like when I was young. Misfire, I just now noticed you signature about directing the wind. I love that! LLL

Dianne, I too had extreme mood swings during PMS. Had the swings not been so obviously cycled with my periods, I could have been diagnosed bipolar. But that was ruled out because my mood swings, although extreme, could be marked on a calendar versus being random. I was prescribed Zoloft, and it helped to curtail the swings somewhat. Still swinging, but not so severe. Yeah, I wonder if my book could be triggering. I have not had any abuse survivors say they were triggered. They say it helped them to deal with the abuse, and understand the ramifications. Of course, I may never know those who were triggered and weren't able to tell me. If a reader is in counseling and/or on meds, and has a solid support system, if there is a trigger it can be processed. It sounds like the real trigger for your daughter was that smell you mentioned associated with traumatic event. I'm glad to hear she is on the upswing, and the job is helping her. Love and Light, Lynn

She's working a lot of hours but I feel it's good for her right now. Seeing her nephews helped too. She's a kid lover. I was traveling a lot and she was home alone with the animals so I can imagine that didn't help her much. But then, I can't live my life around her needs all the time. She's chipper and spunky today. I think she's pulling out of it. I'm going to be gone for five days next week so we'll see what happens.

I wanted or needed to add to this problem, as if what I've posted already isn't bad enough!

She was dating a doctor in AZ and I never met him and she vaguely talked about him. Something didn't seem right. Well, she had seen the warning signs but decided she'd been too picky her entire life and lowered her standards. Well, this jerk got angry with her and showed up at the house, beat her up and held her hostage the entire night. Didn't leave until he was good and ready the next morning. She refused to call the police and I couldn't press charges so I made her come stay with me for a while. She got off the plane with two black eyes, a bruised nose and black and blue handprints on her arms. I would have killed him, given the chance. I still would but I don't know his name and trust me, I tried to find out. I'm a good detective when I want to be. When she returned home, he started calling and leaving messages like nothing had happened! She finally called him back and told him she'd have him served with a restraining order at the hospital in front of everyone and worse than that, her mother was seeking revenge so he better think twice before ever trying to call her again. Put an end to that but she's been left with the feelings and residue of this awful experience.

If you ever do find this slime and want to pay him a little visit. I am not far from Arizona and would be HAPPY to assist you anyway I can. I have some very large nasty friends....

Wow, Dianne, no wonder she was feeling depressed. So has she permanently moved from AZ to TN? She refused to tell you his name? Wow. How awful for her. LLL

There is absolutely no reason why she should want to protect this jackass by not revealing his name. You say she was sexually abused as a child and now violently abused by this jerk -- maybe when she was abused as a child, she was threatened if she told, and maybe this criminal threatened her too, and somehow she connects the two.

Tell her that by protecting him, she's insuring that another woman will get hurt just like she did. Harsh, but probably true. Abuse flourishes in silence.

I only have a few minutes...finishing packing and flying out today. I have told her everything I know about dating violence and it's a lot given that's what I do for a living. But, as the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water---

I even talked to the police myself for a long time. They sent extra cruisers by the house to keep an eye on her. I worried myself sick but she didn't want me to come to AZ to be with her and so I made her come stay with me.

Yes, she's with me now in TN and who knows where this jerk is. I did an online investigation, which wasn't easy since I didn't have his name. I knew where he attended medical school and that was all. I even went through her address book looking for a name I didn't recognize, trying to find him. Nothing.

I did what most writers do...I sat down and wrote for hours about what happened and how I felt and I titled it: Becoming a Killer in my Mind because that was what I wanted to do to him. So did my husband. He was livid.

I know that someday, somehow, I'm going to find out who this jerk is. I know it in my heart. Beating up my baby like that!

I'll be gone until Wednesday. Take care.

Dear Lynn

Thank you for your lovely words Lynn.

With love
Leigha

Dianne, I will continue to pray for your daughter's self-esteem. God love her!

I returned from traveling (again) and expected my daughter to be at work but her car was in the garage so I drug my luggage into the house and called her name and she answered but didn't come downstairs for quite a while. I had my back turned to her when she came into the kitchen and said, "Mom, I need help really bad. I'm just a mess." She had called in sick for work that day because she had started drinking at 9 am. She told me how she hides liquor bottles upstairs (the bonus room is pretty much her living room for her privacy) and how she would have a glass of vodka that she could tuck under the sofa cushion if I happened to come up there. She said she would try to stop drinking but the shaking would kick in so she'd have to drink again to make it stop and the vicious cycle began. She was crying and begging for my help. We talked for hours and I told her we needed to be honest and she needed to reach out when she wanted to drink and if she wanted me to, I'd go to AA meetings with her for support.

How could I be so blind? Either she is a good drinker and doesn't show it or I'm just stupid. I have always allowed her the privacy she needs but I didn't know she was using it to drink. I think it gets worse when I'm away.

This morning she got up early and said she's beginning a new life and it's going to be a healthy one. I didn't know she was this bad. I thought she was working out but she said she was too hungover to really do anything and would leave after a few minutes.

If she can't do this alone or with my support, which I wonder that it's gone too far without professional help, I'm going to check into an outpatient rehab so she can still work but goes in at night for meetings, etc.

She said, "I'm throwing my life away and I don't want to do that. I want to be clean and sober for my brother's wedding and be able to remember it."

Please pray for us.

Dianne, I know I am new to this topic, but I wanted to chime in. I wanted to share with you a biblical perspective if you don't mind. 2 Samuel chapter 13 is the story of Tamar and Amnon. These were children of King David. Tamar was raped by Amnon who was her step brother. King David had asked Tamar to go and cook for Amnon because he was ill. After Amnon raped her, he had her thrown out of his house by one of his servants. The bible says she tore her robe (which symbolized her virginity and her status as a child of the King) and ran away to her brother Absalom's house and lived the rest of her life there as a 'desolate' woman.

I know that not everyone wants to use the bible as a reference guide for living today but it is so relevant to today and it holds the keys to your daughter's release. It can bring her permenant health and healing and she won't have to rely on drugs anymore.

Tamar is the example of what NOT to do. In that moment that she was pushed out the door, she tore her robe and ran away--she laid the blame for the rape at the feet of her father as well as at the feet of Amnon. She didn't realize she had done it, but she did. Why else would you run to your brother's house and not to your daddy? Why not run to the King of Israel and ask for his help? Because consciously or unconsiously she also blamed her father.

We do the same thing, even though we don't realize we do it. When something bad happens we lay blame on God--He doesn't cause these things to happen in our lives but a tiny seed of anger is planted and becomes bitterness and that can literally destroy a life. It eats away at someone from the inside out and they don't even realize what is causing it.

The bible says she ran away to her brother's house--how many times do we run away from our problem or from the pain of crisis and seek solace from friends, drugs, alchohol, shopping, food, etc? When all we really need to do is run to our heavenly Father and allow Him to take the pain and problems away.

On the flip side, go to Mark 5:21-34. This woman is our example what we SHOULD do. She has been sick for 12 years. The bible says she has used all her money to try to get better. It says she has lost everything. I believe that during this illness she also lost her husband and children. The bible says she pushed through a crowd of people and stretched out her hand, just barely touching the hem of Jesus' cloak, but when she did, the healing power of God coursed through her body and she was healed. Later Jesus says to her "go in peace"--at that moment not only was her body restored but her mind and emotions as well.

I hope this is helpful and encouraging. I could go on and on--sorry--this is all part of the book I am working on--helping women walk through crisis to total restoration--I feel very strongly about restoration. I know not everyone wants to hear about God's amazing grace and His desire to heal, but I know God can do the same healing in your daughter's life and that's what it's about right? Finding a way to LIVE and not just exist.

This is a very short, but I hope gives you a glimpse of what I am trying to convey. I hope you can get her to talk to your pastor or priest and that healing comes to her. I will be praying for her restoration. I will also be praying for wisdom and strength for you during this time.

starting over, thanks for sharing this insight. I know exactly where you are coming from and I appreciate the time it took for you to post!

Dianne, I'm praying your daughter will allow you to take her to AA. I'm a firm believer in community during traumatic times. She needs to feel support from others and know she's not alone.

I feel equally as bad for you. Parenting never ends, does it? I'm praying can be patient and continue to guide her on the right path.

The fact that she opened up to you is a HUGE step in the right direction. She's asked for help. Now let's do our best to give it to her. My part is praying for both of you... consider it done!

Thanks ladies. I appreciate how hard it was for her to tell me and she said she was scared and didn't know where all of this would end. Also, in a drunken stupor, she had taken what she thought was two Tylenol PM's but she threw up and saw all of these blue pills in the toilet so she'd taken much more than she'd realized and what scared her was she could have died and I would have always thought she meant to commit suicide when she didn't, that it had been a mistake. Poor kid. She's been through so much.

Thanks for the prayers. They are needed badly.

Dianne, You might need to get her liver checked. Alcohol and tylenol especially together can cause liver damage and the tylenol could have been absorbed into her bloodstream before she vomited due to the alcohol content of her stomach.

It might be worth the effort just to be sure. And also to give here a wake up call.
smile

Hello Dianne, what a world of hurt. You're on the right track in considering rehab. The overdose, intentional or not, puts her in a danger zone. I wish you and your daughter lots of love and light. Lynn

All I can do is pray hard for her and for you, wish I could do more. God bless dear lady.

[ August 05, 2005, 12:07 AM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

She went to work yesterday and came home and sat downstairs with me. If she'd gone upstairs, I'd been right there with her checking. I'm going to be like a bloodhound. I'm going to get her beyond this with the help of God because I know He loves her dearly.

I'm sorry to have so many problems to talk about here. I'd like to post some good news! I'm working on it though and how much I appreciate your words and advice is beyond measure. Love you gals.

You post whatever you need to at the time you are experiencing it so maybe we can be of some help or at least comfort you when you need us most. Sometimes its good things other times its not such good things. We are here to try to handle either and be here for whatever sister needs us.....You have made more of us laugh and feel good with your posts about Sammie so you're entitled...we care Dianne.

Thanks Chatty. That means a lot to me. It gets tiring sometimes and I want to say, "I'm tired of being the mother!"

Hello Dianne, I can imagine that you are exhausted. Your plate is always full, as the saying goes. I think you have more roles to play with your daughter and that is one reason for you being tired. You are counselor and friend and cheerleader and watcher (upstairs? or downstairs?) and confidante and life line and life saver. What would you say to getting her into therapy for a while? You have an awful lot to deal with. Love and Light, Lynn

I'm really irritated with her right now. She called me from work and said, "Let's go out when I get off work and have a drink." I said no, I didn't want to and she needed to really work on this. She said, "Well, I want to!" Her attitude sucks!

She came home right after work so I guess she thought it through. Geesh.

Dianne, in addition to all the roles you are taking on (listed above) now she wants her mother to be her drinking buddy? No wonder you are irritated. How is her counseling going? I am afraid YOU might have to do the work as in going to the AA meetings for the family members who deals with the drinking member of the family. You can't be her guard because she will turn it against you and accuse you of running a prison, as well as her life. Dianne, you two need an objective party, ie a therapist. I know you said you "sent" her to a counselor before, but it must have been ineffective or short term therapy. What about now? I hope and pray you find some peace in this explosive situation. Love and Light, Lynn

Dianne, I read Eagle Heart's book while I was on vacation. I feel so close to her now. It is lovely. She is lovely...and such a faithful disciple.

I mention this because your daughter is dealing with depression and that's what Eagle's book is about. It gave me a realistic view into the hell women experience when clinically depressed. I'm a more compassionate person since reading her book (I hope). It might help you to read it and get a glimpse of what your daughter is going through in her mind right now.

There is nothing in it about drinking because that wasn't an issue, but there is excellent information for one who is depressed, or living with a depressed person.

I'm getting depressed dealing with all of this. When do I get to rest anyway? I'm tired of problems and yet, part of me blames myself because the molestation was going on and I didn't know anything about it. I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

This is going to sound horrible but in so many ways, she reminds me of my mom. She used to be very close to my mother until mom continued to do her little tricks and my daughter just walked away. They haven't seen each other in over 10 years. But, when she does certain things I see my mom in her. Very critical and high maintenance.

Onto better things. My youngest son is getting married in September to a wonderful gal. They met in Ohio when she exercised our horses. She has a degree in Equine. I'm thrilled they fell in love. She's no bigger than a minute and so cute. We just love her. Her father passed away last year so her mom is walking her down the aisle. How beautiful. It will be a bittersweet moment for both of them.

My son is so cute. Normally he wouldn't talk to me about these things but he told me he wanted to start making a baby on their wedding night! He'll be a great daddy too. So, not everything is frustrating in my life.

Dianne, I never read this forum until tonight. My heart goes out to you and your girls. Just about everything has been said here already but let me offer some confirmation.

A long while ago, on one of my many days of suffering from this 'survivor of molestation/incest' days, I posted here re: anti-ds. Smile offered several options since I was complaining about the side-effects of the prescriptions. Soon after that, many more BW jumped in and gave wonderful tips on getting the proper nourishments that helps with depression.

Not saying that I don't still suffer but at the time my suffering was from a trigger and very deep and even suicidal thoughts had recurred.

What I started doing was taking the advice...actually trying the proper nourishment tips since the other ways (drugs) were NOT working. When I'd feel myself drowning in the sorrows and agonizing, I go out to get the almonds and the flax and sun light and just a host of natural ways to curtail these effects.

Like Lynn says, 'there is no cure...' but there are ways to help ease the pain. I'm not sure which post these great health tips where in but I will attempt to find them here. I have tried almost each of the combinations of fruits and nuts and herbs.

It took a while to get used to using the combinations but I can say that I really feel better (most of the time). It's hard because sometimes the pain is so horrendous that we forget that there are other methods. However, I've become more conscious of these methods lately and rush out to renew my 'stock' when feeling sick/sad/hurt, ultimately depressed.

Maybe these nutrition tips can be incorporated into your daughter's diet and help her too. Give her a hug for me. I give her a prayer too.

Sheree

My daughter is a freak when it comes to eating right. She's read up on everything.

This last week was absolutely terrible. I felt like running away from home. I mean, it was unbearable.

Dianne, I'm so sorry. Once a mom, always a mom. Isn't it the truth? When our kids hurt, we hurt. No doubt about it.

Is she exercising? Are you exercising? It's a great stress reliever. Just another thought.