Have any of you ever dealt with this problem? It's causing me a lot of stress.

My 2 sons are 17 and 21, in high school and college. For about the last year they have been questioning the Christian beliefs that they have been brought up on. They are reading about other religions and philosophy. They argue with me constantly about these issues and won't listen to me.

The more I try to convince them, the more they rebel. They don't want to go to church anymore.

Help!

Coffee, don't fret. I think it's healthy. There comes a time when they have to search and find answers for themselves.

Have you always been a bleiever?

The Bible says to raise up a child in the ways of the Lord and when he is old he won't depart from it. (Not the best translation)

I've been in discussions with other women about this verse and someone laughed and commented that it doesn't say what happens between the time he's a child and old.

Trust me. I'm not making light of this. My two that are still home don't want to go to church these days either. It breaks my heart. We continue to make them go occasionally. We continue to share why our faith is important to us. We continue to live by example...and pray, pray, pray for them.

Coffee,

I second what Dot says, I personally went through this as well.

And I will tell you looking at it from hindsight, I am glad I did. When a non-christian wants to debates with me, the one thing I cannot be accused of is being ignorant of his/her's faith. Hopefully with that, I have planted a seed.

Now, my 15 year old daughter is going through the same thing. I was concerned at first, but I had remembered where I had been, so all I am doing is allowing her to play it out. Ever since, she has come to me several times to ask me a question or two about God.

I hope this helps.

Love and Hugs,
Cathi

Coffee
I went through that and my girls who are on their own went through it also. One just completed Seminary and is an ordained minister. The other is a very active Christian.
Try not be concerned. Just set an example.
smile

coffee,
My sons and my oldest daughter are going throught the same thing. I keep reminding myself that I raised them to make up their own minds and I'm hoping this is what they are doing. I know they still believe in God and that is my consolation. My oldest doesn't want to participate in organized religion but he does believe so I hold my tongue. My second son is just lazy someday he'll come around. My daughter has been to hell and back and still on the road. She sees her problems as God's way of punishing her for some unknown act she has committed. She has yet to reach the phase where she looks at the negatives as positives. I pray for my three older children and ask God to continue to put the paths there for them and I am trying to ensure that my preschooler will not have the same issues when she is a young adult. I don't know if this helps at all but I will add your children to my prayers. For there is no greater place to be than with God.

Chris(angel)

Well, I have to ask this: You say they won't listen to you but are you listening to them? I don't mean convert or agree but just listen. They start wanting to open and discover new things but it doesn't mean they will leave their primary faith. They're just looking and curious. I think if you refuse to even hear what they are saying or yakking about, it might cause problems. Maybe let them talk until they realize certain beliefs really don't go along with their beliefs and the curiosity is gone. My sister really changed her Christian beliefs after going off to college and some class she took that made her seriously doubt her faith. But, it all fell away...but I think it would have fallen away sooner if my Dad had just listened to her and not told her she was going to hell. I know I sound strong but I think this is part of growing up and maybe, just maybe, they just want to explore with you listening. I sure wouldn't worry about them.

Is it even possible to inherit someone else's beliefs?
I may be one of the few people on this forum to take the opposite side here -- I went to a Christian church until I was in high school, then a year after graduating, I became a Baha'i and have been ever since. I'd like my children to be Baha'is, but in the Baha'i Faith, you can't be born with beliefs -- we are enjoined to independently investigate the truth.

To Dotsie:

Yes, I've been a Christian since age 12. My grandmother and mother were devout Christians. I still make mine go to church, too, but not every Sunday. Sometimes, I just dread the fight. And it's true about the prayer. I feel like that's all I can do. That's funny about what happens between the time he's a child and old. But truthfully, you worry about their choices.

Cathi:

Yes, you have a good point. You can personally say that you went through those same doubts, and then give reasons why you believe. I'd like to hear more about how you are dealing with your daughter concerning this. Have you basically backed off, and let her come to you?

Smilinize:

Your post was very reassuring to me. I guess the Lord understands these questions more than we realize and gives them time to work them out. Sometimes I forget how merciful he is. It is very comforting to hear about your daughters and the work they are doing for the Lord now.

Chris:

Thank you for sharing that you have similar problems. This really helps. I will pray for your children, too. My sons are like your older one. They don't like organized religion or church. It comforts me that they will still pray each evening with me. My younger one bucks it some, but his brother gets after him.

I'm sorry about your daughter feeling so guilty over imagined sins. That is a heavy load to bear. She probably has some misconceptions about God and his love. I used to do that myself when I was younger. It was a hard thing to fight. She's probably a very sensitive person.

Dianne:

I have to be truthful. I listen for awhile and then get angry. We get into arguments. They feel like I'm forcing my beliefs on them, and I probably am without realizing it. I'm afraid I react a little like your dad did. My son, too, started exploring these beliefs when he went to college and had a very worldly philosophy teacher that he admired. Thank you for your honest advice.

DJ:

You're right. We must decide our beliefs for ourselves, and know why we believe!

Thanks everyone for all your advice. It really was very helpful!

DJ, good question. Can we inherit another's beliefs. If we're forced into attending church and never allowed to even ask questions about other religions, even as a child and out of curiosity, aren't we really being forced into a belief whether we want it or not? Haven't we inherited our parents beliefs? That's a heavy question.

DJ, this is something I have considered because I am the only one of five children to leave the Catholic church. I am also the only one who attends church faithfully.

Anyway, here's what I've come up with through the years and it may not make sense to all of you. I basically have the same morals and values that I was taught as a child...in the Catholic faith and at home. But, my beliefs are different which means my reasons for holding my morals and values may be different. Does that make sense to any of you?

An example and a very broad one:

Be nice...or you'll go to hell.
Be nice...because God is love and treating others with love is what I'm called to do.

Totally different motive!

Boy Dots, those two statments are filled with meaning. I grew up with "Be nice or go to hell" and only later learned "Be nice because God is love and treating others with love is what I'm called to do."

I once had a friend who said his child rearing technique consisted of "A threat quickly followed by a bribe." Seems that is God's technique too. We are threatened with hell and bribed with love.

Choosing is a no brainer.
smile

I had the Catholic principals drilled into my head for 12 years during school and then about 5 more as an adult. I dropped out for many years finding what I was taught made no sense to me. My sons were no religion. I told them they could attend any church they wanted to. That I believed in God but he was a merciful God not a mean rathful God. Just in the past few years I discovered and became a Born Again Christian and I attend Church regularily. My son David and Wendy all by themselves discovered the Church and have become devout church goers themselves, same faith too. It is wonderful discussing God and the Bible with them. God has a plan for us all and I believe we will end up wherever he wants us to be....

It's nice to have so many opinions about a child's choosing to search out a different spirituality. My nephew tends to whine about going to church and my brother gets upset that the children today are growing up with so many influences, it's almost impossible to keep them from them. The more my brother fights it though, the more my nephew will resent him later. My sister in-law told me that she's leaning more toward just to loving them for who they are and guiding them gently toward the lord is the best. I tend to agree, maybe it's a woman thing. Instead of getting so upset, she's able to stay calm and remain in a healthy relationship with him and God at the same time.

Coffeemom,

I have two teens - 16 and 13, and in the last year - they've changed their minds about God and church.

It has been very hard for me - I feel like I don't fit in with the "christian community" as a mother...my kids aren't the perfect children attending Sunday school.

I've decided to let go and trust God. I can't stand fighting to drag them to church anymore. I need to go to church for me. And having angry children beside me is distracting and painful!

I can't tell you how many moms I've talked to who have gotten to the other side, and their children are NORMAL, product children who love God.

I think it's just important to let them be who they are, and discover their own path.

Keep the faith sister..this two shall pass!

Danita

Coffeemom: You're not alone in your concern.

God Gave us the ability to choose. Just as a good parent, he tells us what we can expect if we choose the right path, and what to expect should we choose the opposite. But he doesn't make us go in the direction he hopes we'd choose. That is up to us.

If you did a survey, the number of youth rebelling against religion might surprise us .

Just as you can't be forced to love someone, you can't be forced to love God.

God wants us to obey him out of love, not out of fear: "If you love me, keep my commandments." (John 14:15)

I know many parents in the same boat, including myself. I have 2 young men who don't go to church but still have the same values. I have one who still goes to church regularly.

I continue to pray for each of them and above all, love them unconditionally. I try not to preach to them, although I still invite them now and then... (you never know when they'll accept the invitation, right?

I also know of many cases where youth want nothing to do with "church" because of the bad example other christians (and this may or may not include their own relatives) have set.

To me it is more important that they see Jesus in me. I now have to wait and accept their decision. I don't give up hope. I trust the promises of the Lord will come true sooner of later:) .

I want to add something else here. Although I left the church, I never abandoned my belief in Jesus. I think that Christians need to understand that Jesus came to the world, not just to those who call themselves Christian. There are plenty of people who either left the church or never joined any church who have a relationship with Jesus.

Song and DJ, you both make excellent points. Thanks for your insight. I've spoken your words to others in the past, but needed to hear them for myself now.

I'm heading to the Faith/Religion Forum to share my persoanl dilemna. I hope you'll join me there. The topic is Church funk...

My kids are 32, 26 and 22 and they all accepted the Lord at a young age and don't go to church anymore.. I too am concerned but keep telling myself they'll come back to it someday.. I pray!!!
We all need to pray for them more.. me included...

My teenager made an interesting point about church attendance the other day....

She said, "if going to church makes you a christian...does going to the garage make you a car?"

Insightful, huh?

Danita

I think sometimes children brought up in a church going family sometimes need to move away from it for a while to get perspective on the issue - and later to realise what they are missing...discover their beliefs for themselves

Julie, I agree. I left the church during my late teens and early 20's. I went to 13 years of Catholic school and was in church every Sunday and most Holy Days as a child.

The suicidal death of a friend, my husband's Diabetes, and our infertility hit us all at once. That's when we went running to a minister for help.

There are people in my life who give me a hard time about my beliefs. They are the same ones who call me asking for prayers when in need. It's hard to be bullied about my faith, but I'll be a fool for Christ. That's my job as a Christian.

I was thinking that maybe some kids get such a gut full of being made to go to church as a kid and Sunday school they just semi rebel and stop going when they are allowed to make their own decisions but I strongly believe that those teachings stay with them (us) and sooner or later they will come back to the faith. Sometimes it just takes time and NO pressure....

I hear ya chatty.