I seem to be going through a real funk. I am one year away from 50. I wonder if this is normal. I still get my period like clock work but wonder if I have pre-menopausal symptoms. Here is my situation, maybe some of you can relate and help me to realise that I am not crazy. I am hours away from calling my doctor and going back on anti-depressants. I haven’t been on them for five years now and it took me so long to wean myself from them so I don’t want to go back on them but am getting desperate. I’m stuck, I can’t
move forward. I live in the past. I have even reconnected with old friends and ex boyfriends. I have been divorced for 10 years but still mention my ex husband in some conversations. The other day when talking with a friend something she said made me mention him and she said “How long have you been divorced”.
That really hurt my feelings but her point was well taken.
I did write in another post about how I met up with an old boyfriend this past summer and wanted advice about reconnecting with lost loves. It brought about some great discussions. Anyway here is basically what is going on. I left a very abusive relationship over 10 years ago. I have three children and they all came
with me. My eldest son was 11 at the time and as a teen got into drugs. He is now a drug addict but is trying to stop. He recently moved out of my home and now I find myself having a difficult time living without the
chaos. You would think I would be happy to have a break after years of heartache and stress but I find that I have nothing to focus on. His problems took up so much of my time. I spend far too much time worrying about him. Another problem, I have been at the same job for over 6 years. Instead of appreciating it I am
always looking for something else. I don’t know if it’s the job or me. The main problem is I work alone most of the time. There is just me and a part time person who only comes in once a week for a few hours.
Other than that I am on my own. I’m in sales and lately cannot make any calls as I’m too down. I’m trying to figure out if I should leave but for the most part, other than the loneliness I like the job and am good at it when I’m not depressed. I have friends but don’t see them much and I don’t feel a real connection with
any of them anymore. Everyone is so busy. I miss having an intimate partner that I can talk to. It’s been ten long years on my own and I don’t know if I will ever meet anyone. I guess the real problem is trying to figure
out if I need professional help. I know that I should get out, join something, do things for me, but I can’t get myself out to do anything. I love art, have four boxes of supplies, paints, books, paper etc. but it stays in the boxes. Is this a pre-menopausal thing or am I in need of medication/counselling. My other two children
are having a wonderful time, spending loads of time with friends, going out swimming etc. while I stay home and do nothing. I'm happy for them but wonder what will become of me if I don't do something about my situation. I am actually worried about myself. I have been very
depressed in the past (when I was in my marriage) and came dangerously close to loosing it. I don’t want that to happen again. I seem to be really mixed up and can't think straight. I've never been this mixed up before. I feel lost. I'm wondering if this is part of pre-menopause or if it is something else. Can anyone relate?

Kate,
Please forgive me if I ramble. Perhaps in all this you can find something that will help you.

It sounds as if you are simply lonely. I've been there. We all have. It sneaks up on us and it is probably worse at menopause when our children begin to separate from us. It is probably worse without a mate.

When I realized I was lonely. I also recognized that I was ashamed of being lonely and the shame led me to isolate and isolating worsened the lonelinesss. Also, I realized I was afraid of being lonely. Many times I didn't go places for fear, not of being alone, but of being lonely in a crowd. Feeling lonely while being the life of the party is the most painful loneliness of all. The fear of loneliness also led me to isolate so it was a vicious cycle.

Loneliness is not restricted to the alone. It almost seems more common among the very busy, even those who are surrounded by people all day every day may only be self medicating their loneliness. And strangely loneliness seems to increase with over population. The physically closer we become to more people, the more emotionally isolated we seem to be.

At the time I of my greatest loneliness, I was a single mother, working part time as a nurse, and operating a personnel agency while also pursing a graduate degree. I had sexual partners if I wanted them and I was certainly surrounded by people, but I was myself only with my kids and the work was separating me from them. As a nurse, I was focused on the patient. As a personnel agent, I was focused on the applicant and I was always selling. In order to sell, I was always acting thus never truly open or intimate with anyone. When I realized I was lonely, I began to look at patients in the hospital for signs of loneliness and was convinced that loneliness is at the foundation of many chronic illnesses. It was so obvious and the medical community has no real cures or even treatments.

I tried to handle loneliness as I have handled other problems. I began with the research. I was amazed at how little I found in the scientific literature. In fact almost nothing. When I did a computer search, almost all the hits were for porn sites. Apparently many people, primarily men, self medicate the pain of loneliness with sex.

According to Ashley Montague, author of "Touching" about the human significance of skin to skin contact, our urge for sex is rooted in the need for touch. I believe it is even more profoundly rooted in our need for intimacy which is more difficult to quantify and study. But Mr. Montague experimented with animals to demonstrate a profound physical need for touch. Sexual intercourse is the time when we experience the greatest degree of skin to skin, eye to eye, and mouth to ear touch. Sex can temporarily relieve loneliness, but it can also increase it if not accompanied by intimacy. And intimacy seems to develop out of the need for touch so if sex occurs before intimacy, it will temporarily meet the need for touch and possibly never develop into intimacy.

Loneliness is probably more unbearable than either physical or emotional pain. People will endure all kinds of pain to avoid loneliness. The depression that results from lack of intimacy can be treated, but depression is only a symptom and when the medication is withdrawn, the loneliness returns, sometimes more intensely.

Activities can distract us from our loneliness and involvement in the lives of others can distance us from our own needs, but without intimacy, we can all be overwhelmed by the pain of loneliness and not even understand what is happening to us.

I think there is an epidemic of loneliness in our more and more crowded society. Despite being surrounded by people, I think we are all deprived of intimacy.

Some people seem to find relief in groups and by increasing social contacts, we increase the possibility of finding someone with whom we can be truly intimate. However, I believe the most intimate of all relationships is with our God. Not just knowledge of him or even worship, but the true openness and intimacy of actually allowing Him to touch our spirit.

I will pray for you this very day.
smile

We can always depend on profound answers from Smile. Always appreciated.

I believe we can go through stages in our lives. I'm in a lonely stage myself right now. It's depressing. We can get in a rut and we have to remember that a rut is a grave with both ends kicked out. So, I've been literally forcing myself to get out of the house and do things. I don't feel like it but I make myself do it. Even if it's window shopping. I force myself to get fixed up and get in the car, even if I don't have a destination in mind.

Maybe on one day, you can force yourself to set up your painting materials. Just set them up. Then, go from there. One step at a time, one day at a time.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. Hang in there.

I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a horrible time of things...and your son is a drug addict...that can be horrible. I hope he stops.

Lonliness can make us do some really stupid things...I know...I'm the Queen of Stupid. Made me move backwards instead of forward with my life. I kept trying to return to the familiar...it was the familiar that had hurt me, been unhealthy and prevented me from living. I was caught in a whirlpool and kept going around and around and around.

If you're going to get out of this whirlpool you're going to have to take a chance at the new, the unknown and the unfamiliar. You're going to have to do what smilinize suggested...force yourself to move...towards anything...as long as it's not nothing.

Honey, life is too short and too precious to sit around in a cocoon...God gave us life for only a brief period...light a fire under your butt and get moving...meet new friends, go to church, join a woman's group, take a walk, and got goodness sakes, pick up those paints and do something with them. We want to see pictures of what you've done when you've finished.

Honey, you'll be in our prayers...and I believe being loney can lead to depression...so, don't go there. You're a boomer woman!!! Strong, beautiful, capable, and worthy of a good and happy life. Now, shake yourself off, go for a walk and come back and pick up those paint brushes...

And keep us posted on your progress. We're here for you anytime.

I too will be in prayer for your son.

I think drug addiction and even co-dependency which I view as another type of addiction can be a way of escaping loneliness.

For a long time I have wanted to write a book about loneliness so I've researched it and given it a lot of thought. The problem is, I want to co-write with a psychiatrist, a physiologist and a theologian. I want to look at loneliness, not only as a human condition, but at the physiology and theology of it.

I have a couple of friends in those professions, but they seem to be more bewildered by the subject of loneliness than I am and everyone seems so fearful of it so I guess I'll just pray and wait.

One of the benefits of this site seems to be the way it addresses loneliness.
smile

[ August 27, 2005, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Wow, thank you for your incredible insight. An interesting thought about lonliness is that you think your the only one going through it. You see people out and about with families, friends and don't realize that in your pit of dispair they have their lonely periods too. Many times I am out with family, friends and someone may be looking at us and being lonely. I think of myself as being sooo independant and have really not spent much time being lonely until recently. That's why I have had these feelings of being lost. It makes sense really, the timing because now my son is off on his own and my other two (12 and 13) are going through the normal separation stages. I want them too but often find myself longing for the days when they were little as I had a purpose then and I enjoyed them so much. But they did keep me distracted and now I have to find me again. Although I do keep myself in a cocoon at times I also get out. I'm going to a potluck today as a matter of fact. I really understand the comment about how you can be the life of the party yet be so lonely. It really would be an excellent topic for a book. I remember the most lonely time in my life was when I was married. I know some of you can relate to that one.I guess it's like death, no one wants to talk about it, no one wants to admit that they are lonely, it's taboo. There is a song that comes to mind (I'm a child of the 70') I think it was by Supertramp... "hide in your shell, cause the world is out to take you for a ride, how would you feel, if you could see the world through my eyes" I think of this song when I am isolating myself and try to see things differently. I really should get the cd. ramble
Baby steps is the key and I will take the paints out of the box tonight. Then go from there.
Thank you for your comments. I feel much less lonely now which is why this site is so great.
And yes, God is always there too, thanks for the prayers.
Kate

I hate to admit this but there are too many nights when I sit alone in my home and cry, about literally nothing. Sometimes its a movie on TV or even a stupid commercial that sets me off. My one son is estranged from us now for 11 years and my other son is busy with his life and his family and work and I am not a part of that, not really. I do get out and do things. I live in the busiest city around and yet I feel like I am in a bubble looking out. I have never felt so alone in my life. I have two good jobs, one in Real Estate I like alot and the other is I think closely related to lonliness, I answer the calls for a company offering phone sex, as most of you are aware but this to is a surprise to me, how many of these men just want to talk to someone , anyone who will listen to them. I don't think Heart disease or Cancer are the biggest killers we have to contend with, I believe that lonliness is....it may actually contribute to the other two...

Loneliness might as well have been my middle name. Up until recently, it had plagued me for so much of my life. I can distinctly remember struggling with loneliness as early as my pre-teen years. The problem with loneliness is that it sneaks in even when you think you're having fun, like in the middle of a family gathering, or a lively party, or even a wondrously uplifting prayer meeting. For me, there was never any escape. If I could call any one place the closest thing to escape, it would be while I was praying in solitude, but even then, I missed that "patch of God's skin" (sorry to whoever coined that phrase here, I can't remember who to give credit to).

I never had children, despite wanting to adopt dozens of them. And that will probably always hurt. And I didn't meet anyone special until hubby came along in 1991, when I was in my late thirties. My friendship and life with hubby DID ease the miserable weight of loneliness. And when I'm with him, I'm not lonely. But when we're arguing, or he's distracted for long periods of time by work or family issues, the loneliness begins to creep back in. But it's nowhere near the constant companion it used to be.

Even as bad as my grief over losing Mom and Dad ever was, that terrible loneliness never really came back. Is that because of hubby? Because I finally know I'm loved? Or perhaps because I'm growing into a deeper appreciation and enjoyment of my own company and solitude now? I don't know. Maybe a combination of many postive changes I've undergone in the past few years, and most especially in the months since I found this wonderful Boomer Women site.

But I do know all too well the heavy burden of loneliness. Smile, write that book. Let me know if I can help! And Chatty, my heart aches with you...how well I know about being surrounded by hectic busy-ness and yet still feeling left out and lonely. But if it's any consolation, perhaps that experience of loneliness, both your own and in other people you help along your way, helps to make you the wise and vital voice that you are here at this Boomer Bed and Breakfast site!

[ August 27, 2005, 08:42 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

I know this is going to be the most facetious answer you've heard as of yet, but it sounds to me like you really need to involve yourself into something you love. I coach those looking for their soul mates and the first thing I tell them is to love themselves first. Get involved in something that is going to take so much time, you won't have time to think of anything else. Once that happens, a mini-miracle happens. You become a person someone would want to love.

What is happening at the present is whether you realize it or not, your unhappiness is preventing your soul mates from entering your life. Yes, you read that right, soul mateS. You have had many come into your life at this point and you still have many, many more to go. However, you are putting up a block. You can be as cheerful as you want on the outside, but people are intuitive. They know something is wrong. There is a girl I know who every single time I see her, she's always telling me about this guy who beats her up all the time. At first, I was sympathetic...I was sort of in a relationship like that at one time so I could relate. However, every single time I would see this woman, and I mean weeks, months, years later, it was the same old sad story. What happened was, I put up this "image" of the girl and as I had heard her story countless times, it didn't matter what she said, I always had this mental picture of someone who didn't love herself enough to get out of the relationship. Boy, I've gone on so, but this is what I do..counsel women and men who are looking for their soul mate.

Anyway, my advice to you is, get INVOLVED. I know you don't believe this now, but you'll remember this when that soul mate of yours pops into your life.

You gotta put yourselves in the man's position. He wants someone who can ADD to his life, not SUBTRACT from it and if you enter the relationship with all this baggage, it's going to be another Saturday night alone because he's going to go to someone who provides him with positivity. Does this make sense?

Not only have I been doing this for years, but I was in the same boat ten years ago. Marriage fell apart, countless no good boyfriends, until I landed in a women's shelter. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I got my act together, worked harder to make more money, found a house that I could afford and didn't search for that soul mate that would make my life complete. I concentrated on what made me happy and productive and at the time I didn't have a computer so it was a matter of working all the time.

Remember in "Sleepless in Seattle" when Tom Hank's wife dies and he said something to the effect of "Work is the only thing that keeps him going"...eek...that wasn't it or something like that anyway, well, I know it was just a movie, but let's suppose it was real life. He didn't search for a soul mate. He worked. He worked his ass off. And his soul mate found him.

Bottom line, do something for yourself to make you happy.

Oh, forgot. After I had moved into this house, which I'm still in after all these years, my soul mate entered my life. A little secret, actually two soul mates. Story is on my website and that's what started Romancing the Soul.

Sorry to be so windy!

Dorothy

I love all of you so much. Just had to say that! I am always touched by the honesty of your words.

Loneliness at midlfe is one of the main reasons I am launching the National Association for Baby Boomer Women. I want so badly for us to heal one another. That's what we are here for. We need to find our passions and live them!

I may ramble here, so please forgive.

Kate, do you want us to hold you accountable for getting those paints out? We will if you want us to. We want you to move on and realize the potential you have within that is just bursting to get out.

Chatty, I am surprised to hear about your loneliness. I always picture you surrounded by animals, delivering food to neighbors, and visiting the elderly. Have you considered what you might need to fill that loneliness? Can you put your finger on it? If so, please share with us and we'll try to give you direction. I'm sure losing contact with your son is hurtful. I wish I could make that hurt go away by finding him and telling him to contact his loving mom. Please know you have a purpose here and cause/ have caused other women to feel connected, thus less lonely

FYI- one of the reasons I began BWS was my fear of being without a purpose at midlife. I have always been a stay-at-home mom who loved being home to make a difference in the lives of loved ones. After the death of Mom, and with the empty nest staring me in the face, I hunkered down in prayer with my Lord. I begged him for a purpose.

As a kid, I always wanted to get married and have kids. I never thought beyond these years. Dumb me. Because my mother and mother-in-law experienced depression from the empty nest, I knew I didn't want their midlives. I intend no disrespect to either woman. It's just the way life was for women back then.

Anyway, by the grace of God, this site idea was planted. It is now my passion aside from my family. God has given me a way to reach out and bless other women. This whole project was/is created by Him.

I highly recommend taking the time to get quiet with your Lord. Sometimes we are so busy living life that we aren't in tune with who we are at our core. God can get us in touch with that. He can reveal our midlife purpose. He can reveal our gifts. We all have them.

I encourage all of us to open up and share what we are going through. God doesn't want us to live this life alone. He wants us to connect, encourage and support one another.

Another reason I was desparate for a purpose outside of my family and faith is the fact that I am married to the love of my life whom I adore more with each passing day. He is a Diabetic. He takes too many shots a day, but he is extremely healthy. You'd never know this about him if you met him. Never. Anyway, I have a fear of losing him. Since beginning BWS and with the association launching in October, I truly believe I will never have to worry about being alone, or lonely.

I am grateful God has given me a purpose through this site. It is my prayer that this site can give other women a purpose and we can stamp out loneliness in midlife women. I mean this with all my heart.

Keep sharing. This is a great topic.

Chatty, it breaks my heart to know you cry from loneliness. Even the worst physical pain in the world cannot compare with the pain of loneliness and loneliness can lead to desperation.

Your phone job is really an acting job and acting seems to make people terribly lonely. Maybe because they are in the bubble of being someone else and can't touch anyone or be touched except as someone else.

I'm glad Katebcca started this topic. I think it is a very important one. Maybe we can all find a way to help each other.

You are never alone because God is always there. And we are too.
smile

I too am sorry to hear about this, Chatty.

If you PM me your addy, I'll send you a copy of my book because one of the chapters deals with finding purpose in life.

I was lost mentally. I owned my own business but a good friend told me he didn't feel running the DQ was my purpose in life. His main clue was the Stresstabs, Pepto Bismol and Maalox on my desk. He made me explore my mind to find out what it was I was meant to be doing.

So, every morning before the store opened I got down on my knees on that hard tile floor and began asking God what it was he wanted me to do in life. I didn't realize it but the wheels were already beginning to turn.

Later, if you would like me to, I'll post a guided imagery I took part in at a seminar that gave me my answer. I was shocked when it showed I was supposed to be to other women what I had needed myself at one time...a helping hand that understood what it was to be in a abusive marriage and teach them how to leave safely.

Just know that my heart goes out to all of you who are feeling this way. I love you ladies.

Chatty, you've been on my mind and heart all night and all morning. I was thinking about loneliness and the fear I think we all have of being alone "at the end" of our lives.

I think that BWS is God's gift to us Boomer Women right now, to somehow bridge that lonely gap in this part of our lives. We're here for each other in such diverse and healing ways, and it's important, perhaps even vital, for many of us to come here and be a dynamic part of the family that's growing and evolving here. For some of us, this is our refuge, our safe place, our gathering place to be social, scared, uplifting for one another, sad with each other, lonely WITH each other. We don't know how this will evolve over the years, or if we'll be allowed computers and Internet access in the nursing homes when that time comes, but for now, we DO have a place to come and be all that we are, and know that we're safe to be...whether that be lonely, sad, confused, frustrated, angry, or kicking our heels up with glee, and celebrating our wisdom and accomplishments...we're here for each other. That's a tremendous gift, WE are a tremendous gift to each other. Some of us need to be coming here as much as possible in order to swim in the healing waters we are pooling together here.

i have nothing to add to the advice but i sure would like to say that yous guys offer uplifting and inspiring stuff with concrete advice and action to take...reading this thread was better than any book i've read on the subject because so much of what has been posted is obviously from the heart of experience...
i've always thought "relate to me before you advise me" and you guys sure did...
wow!

those of you with lonliness in your lives, please let us know what you're doing/not doing to help yourself and how things are progressing...
dieters seem to get a lot out of keeping tabs on each other so maybe it would be good for everyone going through this to have a place to go to check in with everyone else going through it...

[ August 28, 2005, 01:24 PM: Message edited by: msdiana ]

I was estranged from my two sons for a period of time...stubborness on both our parts...for 2 years we were on the opposite ends of each other...I, too went through a hard time...(Dotsie, I sent you a story I wrote about it called "One Tiny Strand of Hope." It's pretty honest and I wanted to get her approval before I put it out there.

Anyway, my life seemed hopeless in every thread of my being and like there was no purpose for me. I had pains beyond human endurance and all I can tell you is that I hit an emotional bottom that I hope I never feel again.

What I found out from that experience is that you, and you alone, have to find a purpose for living. YOu have to find a meaning for your life...we cannot rely on others sometimes to be there for us, to want us in their lives or to find us important the way we find them. You, Kate, have to find importance in yourself...you have to take baby steps...just find one thing that gives life meaning...your painting for instance. Even if you don't feel like it, just put up a canvas...even if you stare at it blankly without a clue as to what you want to pain...paint your pain if you need to...let it out. You have got to let it all out so you can start to rebuild who you are.
When I came out of my almost fatal depression (God truly was with me and lifted me up as He will if you allow him), I reached out to my sons...eventhough I felt so wronged by what they did/felt, I had to try. They could still slam the door but I had to try...They did not slame the door and today our relationship is better and stronger than ever...I'm not going to presume this will happen in your case or that you do this...I don't know the situation as to why you are estranged from your son but you have to ask yourself if he's worth trying. And are you ready to have the door slammed again, possibly forever. It's one of the hardest thing as a Mother I think a Mother could ever go through, except losing a child in death. But, in a way it does feel like death because you do not see them, or interact with them...it is as if they are dead.
Kate, my heart embraces you and what you are going through. I truly, truly hope and pray that you will work you way to the end of the very long tunnel and find the light that I know is there. There's always a light...a door...a window...we just have to look for it. For your own sake, please, do not stop looking.
I, as are all the ladies in this wonderful forum, am here for you...Dotsie, I have been blessed by what you and the other women have done (this web site). Thank you so much for bring women like myself together so we can help one another. You are one of God's angels here on earth.

Thank you all for your encouragement. For some reason I'm not sure why this week has been a very tearful and depressing time. Its like all the hurt and unhappiness I have ever felt has all come knocking on my memory. I know I need a closer relationship with God. I think Eagle Heart in a PM said it best about the age thing. I have always felt that I had so much time to do everything and use to say "hey, I'll get to that eventually." Well since June and turning 65 my eventually is NOW! I don't feel or look my age (thank you God) but I am 65 and on the downside of life's mountain and I think I am just feeling afraid. Fear can be a terrible thing. I never thought about dying and breezed right threw Menopause with not so much as a hit flash, yet I now worry about what old age will bring. Oh well, don't mind me...I am wallowing in the thing I detest most, self pity. I will get over this when I get mad enough at myself. I have learned a great deal from PM's and ohers concerns. Thanks for all the wonderful advice, I do pay attention....

I love Chatty, That you are turning YOUR lonliness and feeling a bit overlooked or ignored into action! (becoming bws caretaker!).

I figure if each one of us in the world, looked around to see who we could reach out to - that the world would be a less lonely place for most of us!

YOU GO GIRL!

Great, big, sloppy hugs!

Danita

Chatty,
If there were more women like you in the world, this would be a much better place.

You are a dynamo.

We ALL love you to pieces. YOU ROCK!!
smile

I had a very interesting day today. My son called me all depressed. I still see him on a regular basis but am trying to get him to stand on his own two feet as I have bailed him out, helped him financially, emotionally etc. for years and don’t want to keep being an enabler. It is working out quite good. He has been to treatment centres three times in the past year and seems to be off the heavy drugs but now drinks too much. He has found a girlfriend and called me because he was upset and depressed, lonely because she wanted to go out with her friends. My son is 20 (a very immature 20) and she is 16 going on 17. He is upset that she does not want to spend every waking minute with him. In my trying to be supportive the advice I gave him is advice I need to give myself. At this time in his life, because of his past and because he needs to be kept
distracted, he is feeding off her and not getting a life himself. His girlfriend works, goes to school, takes dance lessons and goes out with her friends. A normal teenager. He does nothing but party at the moment.
Has no interests, got fired from his job and does not go to school. Unfortunatly because he has severe ADD and addiction issues he has very low self esteem. In my reaching out to him and trying to help him to realise that he should have more interests than just his girlfriend, I realised that most of what I do is work and go home. I need to develop other interests too. After telling him that he needs to have outside interests, get busy and stop relying on his girlfriend to make him happy I realise that's what I need to do. Instead of staying home moping around the house wondering whats wrong with me I have quite a lot to work to do myself. A great way to beat lonliness is to help someone else beat it.
Recently I have been reconnecting with friends from the past but what I think I’m trying to do is reconnect with who I was back then because I have lost sight of who I am.
We are all subject to loneliness at any age. It strikes when we’re not looking and when we are in the middle of the pain we think it will last forever. But, we hold the key. That said everyone needs support and this is a wonderful place to connect with like minded women who can offer support prayers and a shoulder to cry on. We are here for each other and what a wonderful blessing that is.
Eagle Heart, you don’t have to apologise for writing more in Chatty Lady's direction than directly to me. I am glad that you reached out to her as she needs support too. I am just glad that this topic came up for me as it has allowed us to reach out to others and be there for them.
Overthehillchick, your comments are well taken and appreciated. Sometimes instead of wallowing in our feelings of loneliness and disappear it is necessary to get totally involved in something that leaves us little time to get
lonely.
I have taken out the paints, I will do some painting tonight. And that is a wonder full suggestion Dee to paint no matter what, even if I have to paint the pain. Thanks.

Yes! She took out the paints. Way to go! Now, I'll be waiting to hear what you painted. Proud of you.

We also have to remember the hormonal activity. KAte, I think you should mention your moodiness to your gyn. Maybe she can do a blood test to check your estrogen level.

Oh my gosh! I am sitting here crying as I type this. Talk about a thread stiking a chord. I hate to admit it, but I've felt really lonely the last few years. Here I am constantly surrounded by the most wonderful teams of doctors and a husband who has supported me through a really rough time, and yet, when I read Chatty's words, I just welled up and erupted in absolute recognition. I wrote in the Illness thread about all the physical stuff that hasn't killed me, but I swear, sometimes, it seems like it will be the loneliness that does me in. Like so many others, I am trying to take baby steps but they are limited by my medical issues right now, which is why I am so grateful for the internet. It is so good not to feel alone. Thank you to each and every one of you, and here's to all of us finding our purpose and to the support we can find here while we make our journeys.

I've been thinking that while the Internet keeps us connected, it can also serve to keep us home and not venturing out to meet new people. My daughter has been nagging me to get out, make new friends and to not spend so much time on the computer. She knows I'm slightly depressed and lonely but it's self-inflicted. Even when my husband comes home, I feel lonely so it's an internal problem, not him.

I feel like I know all of you personally and I always look forward to your messages here. I was teary all day yesterday thinking about the loneliness so many of us experience.

Fiftyandfine, I'm so glad you find comfort here with your sisters, who care deeply for you and who can relate all too painfully well to your loneliness.

When I first stumbled onto this site, I was literally dying, withering away from a terrible aloneness, compounded by debilitating chronic fatigue and anxiety which made it almost impossible for me to venture outside. This site most definitely saved my life and sanity. Perhaps even my marriage.

I'm still not physically up to going out some days, but at least now, I'm MENTALLY able to go out more, and that's a huge step in the right direction. My compassionate, patient sisters here have helped me to heal and grow to the point where anxiety does not have control over me as it did months ago.

Hearing about others here suffering from loneliness also makes me weep in empathetic recognition of that pain. I carry all of us in heartfelt prayer every day that we will make a good dent in that loneliness by being here for each other.

Katebcca, Here's another lonely one. My work is also lonely. I'm an office product manufacturer's rep and work from home. I don't have co-workers.......well, except for Daisy, and she is a good friend, but she doesn't say much. I don't even talk much on the phone anymore because everything is done by email! Of course there is more to it than that, but I don't want to write a book here.

Last week I read Suzzane Somers book and I discovered how our hormones could affect us mentally and emotionally. I knew it, but I guess I hadn't accepted it for myself. Could a hormone imbalance cause loneliness? I think it could. Oh, sure, we all have had disappointments, struggles, and hardship, but what keeps us (me) from doing what we need to do to prevent it?

In my past I've done many things to combat loneliness, such as volunteering at a shelter, at the local theatre, I participated in various Christian-based studies, ministries, etc. And, don't forget dating! Of course my motive wasn't always to combat loneliness, because at the time I didn't realize I was.

Katebcca, although I feel that you should definitely get those paints out, the thing I believe will combat your loneliness is to be with other people - you need people! My town has an organization that supports local artists, maybe your could find something like that.

The bottom line is that we have to make the effort to participate in life and no one can do it for us. Now I just have to find a way to take my own advice.

Daisygirl

Thanks Daisygirl, I totally agree. Painting is a great outlet but it is also something you do alone. I have checked out some art groups and am thinking of taking a few courses just to get out there. I work alone and don't talk to very many people. Email is usually the way I connect with clients too. But, I rarely use the computer at home, other than to check out this site and respond to others. It is a great outlet too as long as you mix it up with getting out there. I seem to have kicked the lonely habit for now. Baby steps, Oh it will come back. Something to think about... loneliness may be a message to us that we have to make changes in our life. Sometimes we get too comfortable staying home and isolated and then suddenly out of nowhere it hits us....why am I so lonely. We all need people and this site is wonderful and supportive but we need to spend time in person with people too. Sometimes I forget that. I do owe my kicking the lonely habit this week to you wonderful ladies. I hope by talking about it all of us who are feeling lonely will step out of our comfort zone this week and do something with others. I will pray for each and every one of you tonight that you will beat it if only until the next time. Good night.
Kate

I'm wondering if it would help to chart the lonely feelings. I have a gut feeling it's hormonal. What do others think?

For the women who use vitamin and herbal supplements, do you know what might help these feelings?

I believe it's important to get out and be with other people. While I love these forums and am grateful they are here, I still believe we need lots of interaction with others in the real world.

Maybe we should list what we do when we are out and about. This may give others some ideas. What do you think?

I like to go to the book store and see what's out there. Grab a cup of coffee and sit in the little cafe and look through a book I might buy.

And of course, I like to go to my favorite store and check out what shoes have arrived. Sometimes, I grab something for lunch and go to the boutique where my daughter works and share it with her.

I also love to find a new neighborhood and walk through the model homes. I get a lot of great ideas on decorating and style.

My favorite is to have a girls night at my house with a theme and we each contribute a dish toward the theme. It's always so much fun.

Dianne, you have such great ideas there. I don't get myself out enough. Partly because of the fatigue and anxiety, but partly because I just can't come up with fresh ideas that don't cost money, need a car or are enjoyable doing alone. I really like the idea of finding a new neighborhood and walking through model homes. I surely can't be tempted to buy a new house! (If I go browse through a book store or music store, I don't have enough willpower to come home without 2-3 books or CD's!)

I just want to say that I am reading these posts and will respond when I can. Love and Light, Lynn

Some days seem way to hard...been here for awhile certainly enjoy everyone's posts, I visit daily.
So, many changes have taken place in my life this year, overwhelming at times.
Know alot of women see this change of life menopause thing a step forward, so far I have not reached that step. Bouncing right along last year, thinking I was Wonder Woman. You know the type A personality, "I can do everything", & only I can do it, (that use to be me) definatly past tense now.
Came off my hrt last year, mainly cause I was feeling on top of the world, plus my mom's family was plagued by strokes & heart attacks. In fact she passed from heart attack.
Come Feb. 05 my final dose of prempro was taken (weaned off slowly).
April I was seen in the local er for tingling hands, feet, and mouth, chest felt heavy. Took x-rays and recommended a nuerologist for degenerative nerve damage. Wonder Woman had done to much painting, yard work and whatever.
By May, I was definatly feeling the effects of no extra estrogen. Made an appointment with my provider, (we are retired military) usually seen at base clinic. Explained to the doctor about coming off prempro, took all my x-rays from er. Explained all my menopause symptoms, he looked at me like I was the biggest hypochondriac. Now mind you I was only seen at the base for pap's, & the very occasional sinus infection etc. Hardly ever sick. Kept telling me it had to be something else. Can't tell you the anxiety I felt that day just waiting to get in, not to mention the hot flashes, remember it like yesterday. Handed him the x-rays from the er, he held them up to the light, says there is no problem gave me a few exercises, take this premarin...see ya.
In May, made an appointment with a chiropatic center, more x-rays to show the disk damage from the er. Later that month I made another appointment at base tingling & numbness still present along with tightness of chest. Regular doctor booked so saw new doctor. Blood pressure reading was high, plus no pulse was to be found in left arm (something my chriopatic doctor had found).
Doctor ran ekg, results normal, plus ran blood tests for high blood pressure. Call him Monday for results and rx pick-up.
Come Monday no call...for the next 3 weeks no call. He had actually gone on leave for 3 weeks after my visit, and left no one in charge of his cases.
Needless to say my blood pressure hit the roof.
June 05, on way to er the ambulance read out was 214/161. While there a ultr sound was done on no pressure arm, that turned out normal, shot of mama's little helper (what ever that might have been) asked but wasn't told. Like I'm some kind of addict.... No blood pressure medicine because the base had test running...just no doctor.
Three weeks of blood pressure rising, base told me just go to the emergency room if bottom # reaches 110. Real close several times, but thank God I didn't have to go again.
Never been so scared in all my life, anxiety just took over that raised the blood pressure all by itself. Always before I had been the stand firm stand tall person, that person wasn't present then & alot of times now.
Base doctor did made it back by the way....he sent me the same day to a military hospital in Maryland.
There for a week, 2 cath's done on my left arm, for blockage in left shoulder (reason for no blood pressure). First cath produced vasospasms, nitro used to reduce. Vaso surgeon requested to do second cath, with advance procedures, still no sucess.
Front heart arteries were wide open & free. They all felt coronary vasospasms were happening in back side of the heart all along.
So, medicine was given to cover the spasms and high blood pressure together.
Calcium channel blocker, beta blocker, aspirin and aspirin every day, not to mention the nitro.
Did any one inform me the blockers had huge side effects and might even worsen the depression.
Depression was horrible, still is some days.
Went back to the base for the depressed feeling thinking maybe they could change med's. Cardiologist said he was not about to change medicines now, to try an ssri. Tried taking two of the different ssri prescribed...couldn't get past the 1st week on them. Felt worse than not taking them.
Days are better, well here and there anyways. Some days I still have to push my self to move and interact, just seeing the concerned look in my family's face pushes me along.
Still have 4 of my adult children living at home.
Think the side effects from the blockers have let up a bit, plus my prayers have been the most important thing in my existance right now.
Oh, by the way had to go back to the base for swollen foot and ankle due to blockers, saw a new doctor who asked me if me uterus was missing
...no last time I checked do believe it was there. Then informed I should not have been prescribed the premarin. Quit right away....do you smoke? Yep, I had been smoking 20 years right up to the point of when I went into the hospital.
Like I said, some days are better than others. Was to the point at one time, it would have taken an act, beyond anything I know of now to even get me out the front door. Even after venturing out, driving was a major issue.
Really related to chatty's post...about the depression knocking on the door. Depression and all the other array of symptoms.
Last week I ran into a woman I had worked for years with in the grocery store she asked how I was, told her of my events....no kidding, she actually pushed her cart into the next isle.
Heart disease, high blood pressure, is not a catchy thing.
Being a military wife 1st, and 2nd marriage put me on the move every 2 years so needless to say not many close friends. Family mainly passed, hubby was adopted, his mom & dad passed.
Hoping to make friends here. Not any where as eloquent in writing as the rest, but it's always from the heart.
Thanks, for letting me share.
Brenda

Wow, Brenda, that all amounts to an overwhelming wealth of stressful changes in a short period of time for you. I don't know anything whatsoever about hrt, and there are other women far more knowledgeable about it than I, but it sounds to me like coming off the hrt threw your entire system out of whack. I reminds me of coming cold turkey off my anti-depressant a couple of years ago...I'm still not sure my body has ever fully recovered.

I hope you do find some comfort and companionship in being here with us...I was emotionally broken when I stumbled in here. The caring wisdom and warmth of other women here have helped me to heal a lot of my own brokenness, so I can testify to the healing power of the connections, wisdom and caring that reside within these forums.

Brenda so happy my post gave you the desire to tell us about your ordeals. I can only hope you are better now. STRESS is the number one cause of serious illness in the world, I am convinced of that. Hopefully we ladies can be your support group and your friends. It amazes me how one persons feelings are the same for hundreds more who simply haven't mentioned it, yet when mentioned their feelings flow like the a never ending river..

Brenda, What an ordeal. Maybe this site can be your refuge as you regain your get up and go. It has been that for several of us who have been recovering from illnesses. There's nice people here and prayer is always available.

smile

Brenda I can't even IMAGINE going through all that you have been going through but as some of the other ladies have said - you've come to the right place! This is a wonderfully uplifting spot with so many "positive forces" among us. Hopefully all this stress you've had not knowing what on earth your body was doing to you (!!) will disappear soon and everything will get back under control.

{{{{ Brenda }}}}

You've been through a horrible year. Wish I could give you a big hug.

Brenda,
I've been through a few health issues lately myself (although, unlike you, mine weren't crammed into a single year. I can't even imagine how stressed you must have been.) And like you, the military life means I don't have a huge number of long-term friends, so we have that in common. I've only been active on BWS a short time myself, so we have that in common, too. Here's hoping you take full advantage of the wonderful companionship offered here, both on the board and in private messages. It has been nothing short of inspirational for me, and I'm sure it will be for you too.
Sending a huge electronic hug your way,
Fifty

From the bottom of my heart, thanks so much for your warm caring posts. Every hug has been received and deeply appreciated.
Stress at that time was really more than I could handle, thought for awhile I was going to completely slide right over the edge.
Without the answered prayers from above, things could have been most different.
Keep hearing, "you are never given more than you can handle".
Plus, "what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger".
BWS has been so uplifting...I've cried with tears of joy, tears of pain, and just plain tears of laughter. So much comfort here. Can relate to a post I read recently about the wish to be neighbors.
Everyone is so caring & sharing, it's what it's all about.
Thank-you all for that!
Hubby tells me all the time, I should write a book about my life, then again he could write that same book. Writer, I'm not. Reader, I am.
Today, is our 21st wedding anniversary...he is absolutely the best! Can't imagine life without him.

((((Hugs, & much Love Right Back at Ya))))

Brenda

Brenda, thanks for the medical history. I'm sure others will take some of your nformaiton and relate it to their symptoms.

I can't help but ask if you are happy with the medical care you are receiving right now? Do you feel as though you are in good hands?

Dotsie, every once in awhile I will read a post that states, "they are doctors, they have our best interests at heart".

Wrong answer, might have been naive at one time to believe that, or want to have believed that, but no longer.

Last time I visited for the swollen ankle & foot, inflammation medicine was given to treat.
Once home, looked the medication up on the drug interaction checker & sure enough there it was on 3 medications I currently take, as not reacting well at all.

No, I didn't take it. Give prescription drugs like no tomorrow, but just mention herbs and it's like your from another planet, the FDA says this & that yada-yada.

Great site by the way, herbs are included:
http://www.drugdigest.org/DD/Home

Keep looking for any herb that might help, but most of those interact with the blockers or Zocor that I take. Any thoughts, or ideas accepted.

Feel real blessed that we have medical, as so many others are not as blessed.
But, do so wish, more compassion was used by the medical system. Would they feel or act differently if it was their wife, mother, sister, or family member?

Only "good hands" I am in, happens to be God's.


Brenda

My husband received a email from a retired military friend he works with, he left work the other day not feeling well.
Just wanted to share the contents of that mail.

Well, I'm back home and am very fortunate to have no coronary problems. After spending the last day and a half in cardiology, all test went very well and came back with negative results. However, the cardiologist is convinced that the medications that the Naval Clinic prescribed, to clear the sinus infection, caused a really bad interaction with the blood pressure medication I take. The Guaifenesin Pseudoephedrine, prescribed by the Naval Clinic, when mixed with Altace (Bp medication) triggers spasms within the coronary artery. It creates pain in the chest, numbness in the arm and spasms in the neck. It also sends the heart out of rhythm and can potentially damage the heart. This is not some thing I want to go through again. Fortunately, I have no apparent damage and all seems to be working well. The cardiologist was troubled by the fact that a physician would prescribe the Guaif/Pseud to someone on BP medication and said a good pharmacist should have caught it and double checked with the doctor before issuing the medications.

The cardiologist has the Naval Clinic phone number and I'm contacting their patient representative this morning. So, I'm going to wait and see what action the Naval Clinic takes, before I push it up the chain of command.

When I questioned awhile back about some of my own medications, I was told the computer system would catch any & all interactions at the pharmacy level.....evidently not.

Some have said it's due to the war in Iraq, not enough personnel. In my personal opinion I have not see any less personnel in the pharmancy ot clinic that I visit.



Brenda