Hi everyone,

I'm in love with a very nice guy and we've been together for over 6 months. I don't have many issues with him because we've been able to discuss them and work things out. The main problem I have is his 21 year old son who came back home from living with his mother, who lives 2000 miles away. She must have been babying him for those years.

I've seen my guy making excuses for his son and the main one is that his mother had an affair and deserted the family. He's the only kid. This young man is hurting there's no doubt about that and came back after being gone for 5 years - he wants to relive his childhood with daddy.

I've reached a point where I want to back off and feel that I don't want hitch my wagon to a guy if I'm going to get an extra passenger. I'm concerned this kid will be mooching indefinitely.

In a nutshell, he treats this kid like he was 14 and he acts like he's 14 too. He's a kind kid, and is loyal, has a good heart, but what good is that when he can't function in society without daddy?

Anyhoo, sorry for this long post. Have any of you had any experience with getting rid of a moocher?

Since some boomer women here do have some adult children living at home/returning to live at home temporarily (which I'm not in that situation), maybe more meaningful info. before we give our opinion at length:

Presumably the child appears to be mooching because: he is not working / contributing abit of money to household expenses; does not do some household chores??

Kid's personality sounds like a good base (ie. no drugs,violence, anger management problems at this time).

Based on what happened to me and siblings when we were at that tender age, all of us were generally hardworking teens that grew into university kids who all held down a part-time job/summer job to help supplement our educational grant tuition and other costs. We were probably your model teens/young adults (with all sort of normal fits of rebellious anger).

We knew our hard our parents worked to sacrifice their dreams for us. They were and still are low-income level group.

Yet, dear mother still had to gently ask us after we graduated from university, got our first jobs, for abit of money to pay some household expenses where we lived in a house of theirs. They STILL had to ask us to get off our lazy butts to cut the lawn, etc. and other base chores to fulfill our parents' absentee landlord responsibilties.

A child needs to transition to adulthood by having the parent ask..now to help out with household chores, etc. You need to chat up with your BF about this and it's best he as the father, provide direction to son. You're just GF to the son.

The ball is in your court if you choose to live under the same roof with BF (if you are) or live closeby elsewhere while still have a great relationship with BF.

This will take time for son to change and also for father-son relationship to grow poistively without undue dependency.

well said, Orchid.
If this is your only objection to this man, I wouldn't toss him out over it.

Daisygirl, my two sons, especially the younger one, seemed to stagnate at the age of 17…till they were about 27-28. They were so childish and irresponsible…especially the younger one…I thought they would never grow up.

But they did.

I just want to say that I think it’s normal for sons to grow up later than daughters. And if he’s been separated from his dad for 5 years, they do have a lot of catching up to do.

Maybe, as someone suggested you should take time out, and allow father and son to reconnect.

If everything else is good, then hold on to this guy. And it is a positive character trait if he is a good father.

Thank you for your responses. I have been discussing this with BF, and he feels guilty because they were apart for so long. I can understand why he feels that way and it's perfectly normal for father and son to exhibit this behavior. However, BF wants his son to be a man and he admires my son,(who is 35 and is a good dad, responsible, decent husband and good worker)- something needs to change or this kid won't become a productive member of society.

They've had a year together, well, 6 months until I came along. I don't want to wait for 5 years while they make up lost time.

We aren't living together, but I spend a lot of time at their house on the weekend. The son likes me and I like him, but I see trouble ahead if we end up together.

Anne, I'm pretty hard when it comes to keeping bad people out of my life, but since I trust this man, and believe he has good character, I want to have a softer heart. Without being stupid. I've met his friends, parents and have no reason not to go forward, except for this.

Anne, you raise the same questions I'm pondering myself. Have you ever heard of the one year rule - don't date a man until he's been divorced for 1 year? Well, I'm thinking I should have a 1 year rule for this kid being self supporting before I marry his dad.

The problem is this kid is rather self-centered and woe is him if anything goes wrong in his life. Talking to him is like talking to a 14 year old. I just learned that he was promoted at his job to manager. He'll get a .50 raise, which makes him at .50 above minimum wage. However, it does show that he's capable of working hard. But he asked to be off for a week for vacation and he's only had the job for 6 weeks, if that long. He doesn't have many friends because he moved 2000 miles away in high school and everyone has moved on. I digress. Thanks for listening. I do know I won't settle for another nightmare.

Since when do we consider a man 21 years old a kid? He is an adult and should be on his own. This is a fairly new relationship for you and if you are having doubts already, thats a RED flag. Have you spoken to your guy and stated your feelings? if not, do so, get things out in the open and get his reply. He may make the decision an easy one.

Baggage is baggage in any case.

Thank you guys. I have spoken to my guy about this and he says that he would not put up with him being a freeloader. Of course I realize saying is entirely different than doing.

I'm not thinking of marrying him tomorrow, but it has happened pretty quickly and I haven't felt all that comfortable with it.

It's good to be back in this caring and honest community.

good luck!
I might have my son back living with us, and he's 30!! EEEEK!!!
(I hope he gets a job and a new apt soon!!)

The fact that he is living with his dad doesn't bother me. But if you call him a mooch and a freeloader, that does bother me.

Many 21 year-olds and older are living with Mom and Dad, or Mom or Dad due to the economy. I know many college grads who are back home since graduating in the spring, and who knows how long it will be before they move out.

I do not consider a 21 year-old a mooch or freeloader if they are pitching in around the house, doing their share of the chores and working full time. I also think a lot has to do with his attitude. Is he respectful of his dad? Does he respect you?
Those are things I would be concerned with.

It is easier I think to except Dots if its the son of both the adults, a married couple who have birthed the kid.

When one is the real parent and the other may be trying to begin a new relationship, that makes all the difference. BUT either or, the young adult should be working even if it means flipping burgers to help with expenses.

By 21 years old any person, male or female needs to be paying his/her own way!!!

Daisygirl...it's obvious that you care deeply for this man because you've contimplated marriage in your mind with him...I think we're all guilty of that when we date someone we really like...doesn't mean we'll go through with it, but for most it's in our thoughts....I think that's normal. I don't see that as a red flag unless you're desperate, which I don't get that from you at all.

It's one thing to be around your BF and his son on the weekends...but, what happens when you move in. Then you'll consider that your home too with rules and considerations of your own...and what happens when his son doesn't agree with you and he will, protests, pitches fits, etc....and then dad is pitted against you. Will your BF stand up for you or his son? Me thinks if dad is feeling guilty, it's going to be his son.

If this was me I'd go very, very slowly...put marriage out of your mind, enjoy dating for at least 2 years before thinking of anything permanent...I think you'll see everyone's true colors within that time frame. Normally after 1.5 years they come out and you can decide whether he's really worth being with or not. I would not move in with this man if his son is still living at home. At his age he's a grown man and like Chatty says...he needs to be treated like a man and made to fend for himself. If dad mothers him he's not helping his son be a man, either.

And if you're really serious about your BF then try to get to know the son. Take him out for a burger and talk...just the two of you. It takes step kids years to feel comfortable/accept step-parents...and then, sometimes it never works out.

It sounds like you've found a nice guy, but even nice guys can be manipulated by their grown kids...and when there's an outsider (you) in the mix, it can make for some issues down the road.

I don't envy your position...this is going to be a waiting game with lots of patience on your part.

Good luck, keep talking to your BF and I hope dad guides his son towards the door and independence and manhood.

This is Daisygirl and I had to re-register because I can't get my passwork to work and when I requested a new one, it doesn't work either. I hope I can get my old name back. Anyway.

Dee, one thing I'm very consious of is if I feel welcomed into his home. I was feeling very uncomfortable because I was spending too my time at his house - I was feeling homeless because I was a visitor most of the time. Both BF and son try very hard to make me feel welcomed. The son has told me he was glad I was spending time there and that I was with his dad.

The BF and I got in a big fight last night and he does not appreciate my criticism of his fathering skills. He feel sorry for his son for all he's gone through.

In a nutshell, I don't see his son leaving home for a very long time because he has no desire to be independent and his dad isn't willing to do what it takes. It became clear as day that the BF will always side with his kid.

I appreciate your thoughtful replies. You've gave me some insight which was helpful to me this weekend. Even though I truly love this man, it's probably over.

I'm sorry of the latest development Daisygirl. My comments below are more after reflections..



I was intrigued by the above comment. I first knew my partner after his divorce when his children were 13 & 11. By a strange coincidence, I met my partner a few months after I bought my own home. But I made a clear decision that I wanted move forward to keep my home, pay mortgage myself, by NOT moving in with my partner. So I continued to live in my own home and he in his with children visiting in shared custody arrangements with his ex. Like you, Daisy, I spent alot of time at his place also but in no way, did I ever feel like a "visitor" or home adrift,...because I had my own home. He also visited me alot too.

It worked well, because he could parent ..and I chose not to become the "step-parent" to the children. In hindsight, it was the best scenario for us because my style of parenting probably would have been quite different from their mother's (which she was a good parent). So he and I lived in same city for ...13 years in our own homes. Then we eventually relocated together in the city where he and I live together now. By then, the children were adults living independently.

Each child became independent adult..but this was handled by each of their birth parents at each of the children's 2 homes.

Daisygirl,

I am sad that you're getting hurt but it's good that with only six months invested that you see where your BF's allegience is going to lie. If you're arguing now it will probably only get worse and life's too short. I know you probably don't want to hear this but there are lots of fish in the sea and lots who have adult kids whose situations aren't going to cause problems. I wish you luck, dear heart.

Orchid, of course it's more complicated than that. I was spending so much time at his house that I only had 2 1/2 days to cut my grass, make jewelry, clean, look for a job, see friends, etc. I was packing up half my house and taking it with me, then coming back and unpacking it. It wasn't so much BF & son who made me feel like a visitor, I did it to myself because I felt like I was in limbo. My own house didn't feel like home either.

I think I overstepped a boundary by critiquing his parenting because I spent so much time there I felt like I was part of the family - but I'm not. Boundaries are not clear in a situation like this.

I'm hurting, but okay because BF is a decent man and didn't play games with me and has been up front about everything. It's this one issue that is a major problem.

lora, Just relax, get your priorities straight in your own home first, your job, your house, your needs should come first with you or they will never come first with anyone else. Date this man if you want to but make it be a date, he takes you out to dinner, shows, whatever, then you GO HOME to your house. If he wants more he will have to make a decision, YES he has to do that! Either he wants YOU or the son. There is NO grey here especially before you make any type of serious commitment. Watch those red flags because they are flying high. Good luck!!

I wasn't quite like you..but my heater in my condo broke down and I didn't get around to having it fixed for 1.5 yrs. I simply was in a cooler home during the winter, but not freezing. He figures I was lucky enough my place relied on ambient heat from rest of building!

We were happy to do many bike rides between each other's homes or subway rides.

I'm going to chime in here. I may have a different opinion than most. I believe it is never a good idea to critise another's parenting skills. Never.

All we have to do is put the shoe on the other foot and it will become clear.

Dealing with blending families etc. is often difficult. In fact the stats are worse for divorce in blended families than in first families. I have always read, heard advice by counsellors that the person on the outside should only be a friend to the children, not a parent. It is up to the natural parent to do the parenting.

I have quite a few single friends and I remember one of them dating a guy and telling us how he let his kids get away with things etc. he couldn't parent, she had to step in etc. Well that relationship did not work out at all.

Also, young men often do not mature until after age 25, this was told to me by a doctor. Doesn't mean that can't help out, have a job etc. but this kid lost out on important years in his Dad's life and wants to make up for lost time. I would side with my kid too if I were in his situation. You really shouldn't even think this way in my opinion, it's him or me. This is a no win situation for you.

I dont' remember reading how long he has been living with his Dad. If it is just a short period of time, ease up on him and let him enjoy the relationship. I think the fact that his Dad wants to spend time with him is wonderful. In my opinion that makes him a good Dad. Once he has got used to the area he will make friends and then he'll be out with them giving you more time to spend with your BF.

I'd say some patiences is in order here. Six months is too early to be thinking about marriage and judging this father/son relationship.

Just my two cents.
Kate

Daisygirl here.

Chatty, I think you're right - BF wants to have it both ways and that has to stop if we would continue to see each other.

Kate, I'm not concerned with the amount of time they spend together and I don't mind being with both of them. I'm not possessive and totally satisfied with the time I spend with BF. (BF would like me to spend more time there) What I have a problem with is that the dad is treating the son as if he was 14 years old. When he screws up nothing is done about it. I'll give you one example: a bottle of my wine came up missing. The dad went out and replaced it. If it was my son, I would've called him on his cell and said you shouldn't have drank Lora's wine, stop on the way home (he works at a carryout where they have wine) and get a bottle to replace it (with his money). When I'm visiting there, it does affect me.

The big picture is what is important. I don't want to spend my life with an adult child living at home indefinitely with the son having no desire to be independent and the dad not making him accountable for his actions and feeling sorry for him.

Which is another topic. I do feel sorry for him. His mother cheated and moved 2000 miles away. But it was the child's choice to go live with her, he was 16 or 17. And allowing a kid to know you feel so sorry they can get away with anything is not good.

Yeah, Lora,
major flags! Son stealing your wine and no consequences!
I can see why you're concerned.
Move slowly, that's all I can say.

Children don't need pity. Neither do 20 somethings. they need encouragement and sometimes a leg up. But this can go too far
I think you are very wise to be as cautious as you are.

Daisygirl...I hate to say this but I would say probably with lots of certainty that you or anyone other woman at this stage is not going to work out with this man with the picture painted as you state it.

A father needs to be willing to set boundaries and rules and consequences. I understand him trying to make up for lost time with his son...but, he isn't going to help things because he doesn't want to be the bad guy in his sons life. He's just now gotten his son back and he's going to bend the rules a lot and let things go that normally wouldn't happen.

You're not going to win here and resentment is going to build, if it hasn't already, and it's going to get worse instead of better...I'm not a fortune teller but my gut tells me that's the direction this would go based on what you've told us.

Have you considered backing off completely and seeing what happens?

When we care about someone so much it's hard to let go and allow things to fall where they may. You have to decide what you want, what you're willing to accept and if this is worth what you're going to have to go through to be in it.

No matter how great the rest of your relationship may be, if you're having this much trouble at this early stage...I'd say you're probably looking at what's down the road for you in this relationship...and it will probably get worse.

I hate to paint this kind of picture but your choices seem to be accept how things are and keep quiet about what his son does or risk more arguments, resentment and a broken heart.

Good luck, sweetheart!!

I think it's good to get advice from many so you can make a positive choice. Everyone has something to offer, the main one is take care of your needs.

Son taking wine, well that is not good but often happens. Unless someone sees him this could open a big can of worms, him against you etc.

I think at this point I would step back too, keep some distance and stay busy doing what you enjoy.

A book on setting boundaries with blended families may be a good place to start, that is if you are considering moving forward with your relationship. I'm all for counselling to as with children other peoples don't come with a manual either :-)
Kate

Kate...lots of great advice...one of the great things about these forums is there's so many women who want to help others...it's an amazing place to be.

Thanks Ladies!!!

I have backed off. I realized today that I feel uncomfortable with his son and the situation because of the lack of respect. Someone taking something that doesn't belong to them or standing you up without a phone call shows a lack of respect and if BF does nothing about it, that's also a lack of respect on his part. I comunicated this to him today.

Today I told a dear friend that I would never marry him unless his son was out of the house and her response was well, don't tell him or he'll get rid of him temporarily and then he'll come back.

I've been through too much in my life to have any more disfunction in it. Don't worry, I'm strong and independent.

Kate, I'm so far away from thinking "blended families" I'm not ready for a book on it. An adult kid should be out, not treated like a teenager.

I recently joined a company and have been taking training for the past two weeks.

I am the only female, and the only white person. The others are east indian, chinese and mixed males. It has been so interesting. They constantly make fun of each others race, talk about how their race affects the job etc.

I have never been in this situation before. These guys are all young, 20's and 30's. They were born in Canada but come from families that raised them in their culture. I found the entire two weeks an eye opener. My teacher was 27, and yes he still lives at home.

All these guys are nice and I like them but really didn't understand all the ethnic jokes. I guess they have to deal with being from a different culture due to their colour and I've never had to.

Anyway they were talking about the responsibility of being the eldest son. One guy who is 30 bought a condo a while back and is going to move back home so he can save some money. He will sell the condo and bank the proceeds. I asked him if he would pay rent to his parents, he laughed as did the others. We don't pay rent. Fascinating isn't it.

I asked them as I was curious what white people are known for and guess what their answer was:

"white people are known for kicking their kids out at 18"


Kate

Kate, I never kicked my sons out.

One thing that was very important to me and my husband was letting them know our door is always open to them. My sons are strong independent men. The idea of a safe haven didn’t make them wimpy at all.

One of the most comforting thoughts I had in my life time was that I knew, if I had nowhere to go, my parent’s home was and always would be my home as well.

Our sons came back in intervals, either their business was at rock bottom, or whatever. I’m not saying it was always easy. When they lived in our home as young adults, they sometimes had a terrible chip on their shoulders and seemed to even resent us for the situation they put themselves in. I was hurt and perplexed at the time.

But then I came across an article, that made a lot of sense to me. It’s normal for a young adult sons/daughters to resent the helping hand. It symbolises and reminds him/her of the vulnerable situation they are in. So, I gave my sons a lot of space. The only thing we asked of them is that they have a written plan, and we wanted to see it. I didn’t try to be their consultant, friend or set up rules. Sometimes we didn’t see each other for days. They cooked for themselves and simply did their own thing.

We gave them food and a roof over their heads, without taking away their dignity. That’s when the mutual respect set in.

I totally agree with you, Kate. I hate the term tough- love or referring to your own children as baggage. I never ever used either term. Can’t help but think of all the homeless people during the financial crisis. Why are they living on the streets? Don’t they have family that would take them in?

Lora, it’s hard to deal with young adults children who act without respect. It’s hard enough as parents, so it is probably a good decision to just back off for awhile. If that makes you happier, then it was the right decision.

Sorry if I highjacked this post. It just came to me about kids and what age they leave home. I think my group was just generalizing, lumping us white people in the same box. They also take care of their parents and have them live with them when they can't take care of themselves. They think we throw ours away by putting them into old age homes. It's interesting to me to hear about how other cultures view us. It's never a good idea to lump one group together as we are all different but I think it's important that we can learn from other cultures.

We are all different and this guy and his son may have a different perspective on what age is the right age to move out. Truthfully as long as my kids are in school they can stay home for as long as they want. I won't push them out the door unless they are just being moochers, not working or going to school. Sounds like your boyfriends son works at least.

Lora, maybe your BF is of a different opinion than you about what age kids should move out. If you see differently this may cause problems and it appears that it already has. I do understand what your saying about the young man acting like a 14 year old. It may be that he did not mature properly due to the trauma of losing his Dad. Boys really need their Dad's when they are teenagers. Mine are all messed up because their Dad was and is not there for them. They suffered greatly from him being absent from their lives.

Not trying to put your needs second at all. You can only deal with what you can deal with. Backing off, maybe seeing each other outside both of your homes, going out to a movie etc. may be better. Just date for now without the son around so you can have some alone time and get to know your BF. He may not have loyalties to you yet as this is a fairly new relationship but this will happen eventually if you decide to keep seeing him.

Only you know what is best for you.
Kate

Our door is always open for our two children..people vary and culture plays a huge part..space both physical and personal is important.its open both ways...spead your wings or return.

My heart bleeds for homeless people who quickly get swallowed up by the streets..

home is a state of mind...rooted in earlier parenting.grounded by earlier experience.This time of ecconomic chaos mean many young people move back.hopefully until their own door is opened or when work becomes available.
However if an adult child is trying to recoup years apart then that is a different issue from someone moving back due to job loss of marriage breakdown
also...should the BF's son move our if he meets a partner or work away from home how much does BF need the relationship with his son.
That would be my problem...not the physical presence...the wine...unfair and handled wrongly..speak up and face up to the young man if this reocccurs...we make our own bounderies..
be happy however things work out...there is a Big Plan for all of us

I have a son myself and I understand the challenges of helping a young man become independent. My son is grown and has a wife and child. He's not perfect, but he supports his family and is very responsible. He, his wife, child and 2 boxers moved in my little home for 3 months when they were between houses. It's not that I don't want him to live at home, it's all the dysfunction, disrespect, laziness and his dad letting him get by with it. And I don't want to become a maid and cook.

He's asked me to have a talk with his son to tell him what I think. He probably thinks if I tell him what he's doing wrong, he'll stop it. But IMO this young man has a lot of anger issues and will continue to act out in a very passive-agressive manner.

I'm stopping by his house today to pick up a few things I left at his house and will probably have a discussion.

Kate, I don't think he has a different perspective, but he feels sorry for him and the son is milking it for all it's worth.

Lora

P.S. I have an job interview at 10:30 today, please say a little prayer for me. This would be an interesting job in a family-owned company.

Wow, what a great conversation.

I think you are realizing that it's not the fact that a son that age is living at home. The bigger issue is how he treats his dad and you.

Does the son have anyone else in his life at this point (in the immediate area)?

I'm thinking that if you talk to the son, and the relationship doesn't work, he may feel like it's his fault. I'd hate that to happen. I'm thinking, if anyone is to blame, it's the man in the middle because he won't draw boundaries. That's all he has to do and he could have his son and you.

boy, I think you are absolutely right Dotsie. This situation could really backfire.

Update from Daisygirl:

I stopped by BF's house on my way back from the interview and BF and DS was there with a friend, so I didn't get to talk to DS. DS was doing laundry:-). BF talked to DS about the situation, explaining that his actions and lack of respect do affect other people. I was told that he spoke to his son when those incidents happened, but it was when I wasn't around due to it being a man to man discussion (yelling and probably cursing too). Excuses were still being made for him, he was with a bad GF at the time yada yada. I said no excuses for rudeness. We'll see.

He offered to spend more time at my house before I demanded it. I think it will be a good thing for the son to fend for himself a little more.

For now, crisis averted, but I will be noticing what is going on and I won't do anything crazy. When I discuss this with his son at the appropriate time, I plan to tell him that I won't be joining his pity party for himself. Many many people have crappy childhoods - move on - get unstuck. Well, okay, I'll be a little more diplomatic than that - I'll speak the truth in love.

Dotsie, I've never minded that he's there, my concern has been that he behaves like he's 14 and his dad has been treating him like he's 14. He would never move out with daddy footing the bill for everything and living in a bachelor pad.

Like Edelweiss my door is always open for my sons and their familys if need be, BUT I expect full cooperation from him/them and plenty of help. God helps those that help themselves. If times are tough job wise like now then they best plan on working around the house doing many odd jobs. Thats only fair.

Someone may enter the sons life and he could move out rapidly meaning that your friend is alone..he may also realise time could be short together as Father and son..he may want to score a point against the former wife..he may just be a kind easily manipulated man.
You sharing means you have different viewpoints.
really hope life opens up happily for you..

I know other folks who have grown sons livin' off parents. Must be a current trend.

happy happy joy joy, my son found a room in a house full of grad students!
It's very close to where he used to live, and he moved in yesterday. He has two weeks to sort through his stuff and settle.
It is a trend, Jabber, kids can't afford rent!

Congrats Madelaine!!! How old is your son?

lol, he's 30 - and I would not be surprised if he ended up back at our house before the year is out. But my fingers are crossed.

Congratulations Madelaine!

Madelaine: Hope it all works out for son in his new place for awhile.

Kate: Those young men you have met in that company, so far they sound immature. But then we don't know how much they help around home if they aren't paying rent or helping out abit in paying for some groceries.

My parents did ask for small amount of money when we were living at their place since the hard reality they are low income folks.

But anyway, Kate sounds like you're learning lots where you are.
_____________________________________

As a slight segue from thread, since we have been talking about young men, may I offer a situation of an adult woman:

She is semi-close friend I've known since teens. She is my age...yes 50.

She is single, childless and during this whole time she has lived under her parents' roof in the same town where she grew up. Actually her mother died in car accident when friend was in late 20's. But way before that, when friend was 18, her elder sister drowned while vacationing in Acapulco. It was a terrible tragedy which many students at our high school mourned because dead sister was very bright, popular,etc. Death of her sister had a powerful negative impact on family for many years thereafter.

I believe my friend has lived in her parents' home all these DECADES, because she probably feels tremendous responsibility to be around.. I know friend does contribute to family household, since I've been with her where she is giving groceries to father (who is in excellent health at 80+).

over the years, I've suggested it is best she get her own place close to parent's place. But never really asked much there, because after all, I've never lost a sister at a young age due to sudden tragedy.

So this example is not necessarily culturally based since she is born in Canada like myself, nor financial but because of unique family situations.

She is semi-close friend, because she and I have life's paths that have diverged alot after we each turned 21 yrs. So we enjoy each other's company whenever she and I get together but there is a natural life experience barrier that our friendship can't surmount. But that's ok. I ask nothing more from her but good friendship.

Sorry for this topic hijack. But it fits under "parental home" living, as a daughter.

Anne, I'm not sure if we're okay or not at this point. He's fighting a kidney stone and I haven't heard too much from him since Saturday. It sounded like he had disciplined his son, but who knows? I'm just in the wait and see mode right now.

Good luck there LoraE. WB lived with his folks into his 30s.
He had a good savings built up by the time we married. But now
he helps his aged mother, who is widowed. So in his case, one hand washed the other.

that's interesting Jabber, I just read a report that said that kids that stay around longer tend to be the ones to take care of their parents later. Gives me something to look forward to, since both of mine stayed around longer!

Madelaine,
I think it's great when kids respect their parents and give a
little back of what's been sacrificed to make sure they had
a good upbringing! Love the happy, happy, joy, joy...

jabber, I'm into the happy, happy, joy, joy thing too - in any situation.

Wondering how LoraE is doing today...

Joyfully happy, I hope!

Mre too, anyone heard from her?

I was at BF's house this weekend and everything went okay. His son went out of his way to be polite and respectful. Next week we're all going to visit BF's parents, who are in their late 80's, for one week. I love it up there and if we end up together, we may retire there.

I considered backing out of the trip, but I think it will be a good time for the three of us to work some things out. I like to fish and they're avid fishermen, however, I'll definitely give them their space to do the guy-bonding thing. And even though I like to fish, I'd also be happy to read a book in a chair next to the river.

Thank you for your responses last week. You helped me to see things from many different perspectives. I think BF confided in his bestfriend and his GF and I'm sure he's gotten another perspective too. There has been a few times when we've had a "discussion" about an issue and days later, he'll make a statement that tells me that he does get my point of view.

It was sort of a caregiving visit since BF had a kidneystone issue this for the past week. He wasn't extremely ill, just uncomfortable and not wanting to be caught out if the pain got too intense.

It sounds like both the son and dad have missed each other and are excited to be together. How can you all enjoy time together,but realize they will need one on one time as well.
Thanks,
Joanie
www.NADWC.org

Unfortunately, this is happening all too frequently with child-rearing changes in values and lack of healthy parenting especially after a divorce. But it can happen with widowed people as well.
I strongly recommend you trust your feelings to back off for now and encourage your boyfriend to get solid counseling both for his role as a parent and the ongoing relationship with the son. Better yet, the son should also get counseling and a meaningful task--if not a job, then an educational program.
It may come obvious that the boyfriend is more into his relationship with the son than into you. In that case, it's better to know that sooner than later.
Best wishes, to you, Dorothea. www.secondchancedream.com

Dorothea, thanks for mentioning counseling. I hadn't thought about that, but it's a good point.