Wow, what a great conversation.

I think you are realizing that it's not the fact that a son that age is living at home. The bigger issue is how he treats his dad and you.

Does the son have anyone else in his life at this point (in the immediate area)?

I'm thinking that if you talk to the son, and the relationship doesn't work, he may feel like it's his fault. I'd hate that to happen. I'm thinking, if anyone is to blame, it's the man in the middle because he won't draw boundaries. That's all he has to do and he could have his son and you.

boy, I think you are absolutely right Dotsie. This situation could really backfire.

Update from Daisygirl:

I stopped by BF's house on my way back from the interview and BF and DS was there with a friend, so I didn't get to talk to DS. DS was doing laundry:-). BF talked to DS about the situation, explaining that his actions and lack of respect do affect other people. I was told that he spoke to his son when those incidents happened, but it was when I wasn't around due to it being a man to man discussion (yelling and probably cursing too). Excuses were still being made for him, he was with a bad GF at the time yada yada. I said no excuses for rudeness. We'll see.

He offered to spend more time at my house before I demanded it. I think it will be a good thing for the son to fend for himself a little more.

For now, crisis averted, but I will be noticing what is going on and I won't do anything crazy. When I discuss this with his son at the appropriate time, I plan to tell him that I won't be joining his pity party for himself. Many many people have crappy childhoods - move on - get unstuck. Well, okay, I'll be a little more diplomatic than that - I'll speak the truth in love.

Dotsie, I've never minded that he's there, my concern has been that he behaves like he's 14 and his dad has been treating him like he's 14. He would never move out with daddy footing the bill for everything and living in a bachelor pad.

Like Edelweiss my door is always open for my sons and their familys if need be, BUT I expect full cooperation from him/them and plenty of help. God helps those that help themselves. If times are tough job wise like now then they best plan on working around the house doing many odd jobs. Thats only fair.

Someone may enter the sons life and he could move out rapidly meaning that your friend is alone..he may also realise time could be short together as Father and son..he may want to score a point against the former wife..he may just be a kind easily manipulated man.
You sharing means you have different viewpoints.
really hope life opens up happily for you..

I know other folks who have grown sons livin' off parents. Must be a current trend.

happy happy joy joy, my son found a room in a house full of grad students!
It's very close to where he used to live, and he moved in yesterday. He has two weeks to sort through his stuff and settle.
It is a trend, Jabber, kids can't afford rent!

Congrats Madelaine!!! How old is your son?

lol, he's 30 - and I would not be surprised if he ended up back at our house before the year is out. But my fingers are crossed.

Congratulations Madelaine!