Yeah, Lora,
major flags! Son stealing your wine and no consequences!
I can see why you're concerned.
Move slowly, that's all I can say.

Children don't need pity. Neither do 20 somethings. they need encouragement and sometimes a leg up. But this can go too far
I think you are very wise to be as cautious as you are.

Daisygirl...I hate to say this but I would say probably with lots of certainty that you or anyone other woman at this stage is not going to work out with this man with the picture painted as you state it.

A father needs to be willing to set boundaries and rules and consequences. I understand him trying to make up for lost time with his son...but, he isn't going to help things because he doesn't want to be the bad guy in his sons life. He's just now gotten his son back and he's going to bend the rules a lot and let things go that normally wouldn't happen.

You're not going to win here and resentment is going to build, if it hasn't already, and it's going to get worse instead of better...I'm not a fortune teller but my gut tells me that's the direction this would go based on what you've told us.

Have you considered backing off completely and seeing what happens?

When we care about someone so much it's hard to let go and allow things to fall where they may. You have to decide what you want, what you're willing to accept and if this is worth what you're going to have to go through to be in it.

No matter how great the rest of your relationship may be, if you're having this much trouble at this early stage...I'd say you're probably looking at what's down the road for you in this relationship...and it will probably get worse.

I hate to paint this kind of picture but your choices seem to be accept how things are and keep quiet about what his son does or risk more arguments, resentment and a broken heart.

Good luck, sweetheart!!

I think it's good to get advice from many so you can make a positive choice. Everyone has something to offer, the main one is take care of your needs.

Son taking wine, well that is not good but often happens. Unless someone sees him this could open a big can of worms, him against you etc.

I think at this point I would step back too, keep some distance and stay busy doing what you enjoy.

A book on setting boundaries with blended families may be a good place to start, that is if you are considering moving forward with your relationship. I'm all for counselling to as with children other peoples don't come with a manual either :-)
Kate

Kate...lots of great advice...one of the great things about these forums is there's so many women who want to help others...it's an amazing place to be.

Thanks Ladies!!!

I have backed off. I realized today that I feel uncomfortable with his son and the situation because of the lack of respect. Someone taking something that doesn't belong to them or standing you up without a phone call shows a lack of respect and if BF does nothing about it, that's also a lack of respect on his part. I comunicated this to him today.

Today I told a dear friend that I would never marry him unless his son was out of the house and her response was well, don't tell him or he'll get rid of him temporarily and then he'll come back.

I've been through too much in my life to have any more disfunction in it. Don't worry, I'm strong and independent.

Kate, I'm so far away from thinking "blended families" I'm not ready for a book on it. An adult kid should be out, not treated like a teenager.

I recently joined a company and have been taking training for the past two weeks.

I am the only female, and the only white person. The others are east indian, chinese and mixed males. It has been so interesting. They constantly make fun of each others race, talk about how their race affects the job etc.

I have never been in this situation before. These guys are all young, 20's and 30's. They were born in Canada but come from families that raised them in their culture. I found the entire two weeks an eye opener. My teacher was 27, and yes he still lives at home.

All these guys are nice and I like them but really didn't understand all the ethnic jokes. I guess they have to deal with being from a different culture due to their colour and I've never had to.

Anyway they were talking about the responsibility of being the eldest son. One guy who is 30 bought a condo a while back and is going to move back home so he can save some money. He will sell the condo and bank the proceeds. I asked him if he would pay rent to his parents, he laughed as did the others. We don't pay rent. Fascinating isn't it.

I asked them as I was curious what white people are known for and guess what their answer was:

"white people are known for kicking their kids out at 18"


Kate

Kate, I never kicked my sons out.

One thing that was very important to me and my husband was letting them know our door is always open to them. My sons are strong independent men. The idea of a safe haven didn’t make them wimpy at all.

One of the most comforting thoughts I had in my life time was that I knew, if I had nowhere to go, my parent’s home was and always would be my home as well.

Our sons came back in intervals, either their business was at rock bottom, or whatever. I’m not saying it was always easy. When they lived in our home as young adults, they sometimes had a terrible chip on their shoulders and seemed to even resent us for the situation they put themselves in. I was hurt and perplexed at the time.

But then I came across an article, that made a lot of sense to me. It’s normal for a young adult sons/daughters to resent the helping hand. It symbolises and reminds him/her of the vulnerable situation they are in. So, I gave my sons a lot of space. The only thing we asked of them is that they have a written plan, and we wanted to see it. I didn’t try to be their consultant, friend or set up rules. Sometimes we didn’t see each other for days. They cooked for themselves and simply did their own thing.

We gave them food and a roof over their heads, without taking away their dignity. That’s when the mutual respect set in.

I totally agree with you, Kate. I hate the term tough- love or referring to your own children as baggage. I never ever used either term. Can’t help but think of all the homeless people during the financial crisis. Why are they living on the streets? Don’t they have family that would take them in?

Lora, it’s hard to deal with young adults children who act without respect. It’s hard enough as parents, so it is probably a good decision to just back off for awhile. If that makes you happier, then it was the right decision.

Sorry if I highjacked this post. It just came to me about kids and what age they leave home. I think my group was just generalizing, lumping us white people in the same box. They also take care of their parents and have them live with them when they can't take care of themselves. They think we throw ours away by putting them into old age homes. It's interesting to me to hear about how other cultures view us. It's never a good idea to lump one group together as we are all different but I think it's important that we can learn from other cultures.

We are all different and this guy and his son may have a different perspective on what age is the right age to move out. Truthfully as long as my kids are in school they can stay home for as long as they want. I won't push them out the door unless they are just being moochers, not working or going to school. Sounds like your boyfriends son works at least.

Lora, maybe your BF is of a different opinion than you about what age kids should move out. If you see differently this may cause problems and it appears that it already has. I do understand what your saying about the young man acting like a 14 year old. It may be that he did not mature properly due to the trauma of losing his Dad. Boys really need their Dad's when they are teenagers. Mine are all messed up because their Dad was and is not there for them. They suffered greatly from him being absent from their lives.

Not trying to put your needs second at all. You can only deal with what you can deal with. Backing off, maybe seeing each other outside both of your homes, going out to a movie etc. may be better. Just date for now without the son around so you can have some alone time and get to know your BF. He may not have loyalties to you yet as this is a fairly new relationship but this will happen eventually if you decide to keep seeing him.

Only you know what is best for you.
Kate

Our door is always open for our two children..people vary and culture plays a huge part..space both physical and personal is important.its open both ways...spead your wings or return.

My heart bleeds for homeless people who quickly get swallowed up by the streets..

home is a state of mind...rooted in earlier parenting.grounded by earlier experience.This time of ecconomic chaos mean many young people move back.hopefully until their own door is opened or when work becomes available.
However if an adult child is trying to recoup years apart then that is a different issue from someone moving back due to job loss of marriage breakdown
also...should the BF's son move our if he meets a partner or work away from home how much does BF need the relationship with his son.
That would be my problem...not the physical presence...the wine...unfair and handled wrongly..speak up and face up to the young man if this reocccurs...we make our own bounderies..
be happy however things work out...there is a Big Plan for all of us

I have a son myself and I understand the challenges of helping a young man become independent. My son is grown and has a wife and child. He's not perfect, but he supports his family and is very responsible. He, his wife, child and 2 boxers moved in my little home for 3 months when they were between houses. It's not that I don't want him to live at home, it's all the dysfunction, disrespect, laziness and his dad letting him get by with it. And I don't want to become a maid and cook.

He's asked me to have a talk with his son to tell him what I think. He probably thinks if I tell him what he's doing wrong, he'll stop it. But IMO this young man has a lot of anger issues and will continue to act out in a very passive-agressive manner.

I'm stopping by his house today to pick up a few things I left at his house and will probably have a discussion.

Kate, I don't think he has a different perspective, but he feels sorry for him and the son is milking it for all it's worth.

Lora

P.S. I have an job interview at 10:30 today, please say a little prayer for me. This would be an interesting job in a family-owned company.