It is easier I think to except Dots if its the son of both the adults, a married couple who have birthed the kid.

When one is the real parent and the other may be trying to begin a new relationship, that makes all the difference. BUT either or, the young adult should be working even if it means flipping burgers to help with expenses.

By 21 years old any person, male or female needs to be paying his/her own way!!!

Daisygirl...it's obvious that you care deeply for this man because you've contimplated marriage in your mind with him...I think we're all guilty of that when we date someone we really like...doesn't mean we'll go through with it, but for most it's in our thoughts....I think that's normal. I don't see that as a red flag unless you're desperate, which I don't get that from you at all.

It's one thing to be around your BF and his son on the weekends...but, what happens when you move in. Then you'll consider that your home too with rules and considerations of your own...and what happens when his son doesn't agree with you and he will, protests, pitches fits, etc....and then dad is pitted against you. Will your BF stand up for you or his son? Me thinks if dad is feeling guilty, it's going to be his son.

If this was me I'd go very, very slowly...put marriage out of your mind, enjoy dating for at least 2 years before thinking of anything permanent...I think you'll see everyone's true colors within that time frame. Normally after 1.5 years they come out and you can decide whether he's really worth being with or not. I would not move in with this man if his son is still living at home. At his age he's a grown man and like Chatty says...he needs to be treated like a man and made to fend for himself. If dad mothers him he's not helping his son be a man, either.

And if you're really serious about your BF then try to get to know the son. Take him out for a burger and talk...just the two of you. It takes step kids years to feel comfortable/accept step-parents...and then, sometimes it never works out.

It sounds like you've found a nice guy, but even nice guys can be manipulated by their grown kids...and when there's an outsider (you) in the mix, it can make for some issues down the road.

I don't envy your position...this is going to be a waiting game with lots of patience on your part.

Good luck, keep talking to your BF and I hope dad guides his son towards the door and independence and manhood.

This is Daisygirl and I had to re-register because I can't get my passwork to work and when I requested a new one, it doesn't work either. I hope I can get my old name back. Anyway.

Dee, one thing I'm very consious of is if I feel welcomed into his home. I was feeling very uncomfortable because I was spending too my time at his house - I was feeling homeless because I was a visitor most of the time. Both BF and son try very hard to make me feel welcomed. The son has told me he was glad I was spending time there and that I was with his dad.

The BF and I got in a big fight last night and he does not appreciate my criticism of his fathering skills. He feel sorry for his son for all he's gone through.

In a nutshell, I don't see his son leaving home for a very long time because he has no desire to be independent and his dad isn't willing to do what it takes. It became clear as day that the BF will always side with his kid.

I appreciate your thoughtful replies. You've gave me some insight which was helpful to me this weekend. Even though I truly love this man, it's probably over.

I'm sorry of the latest development Daisygirl. My comments below are more after reflections..



I was intrigued by the above comment. I first knew my partner after his divorce when his children were 13 & 11. By a strange coincidence, I met my partner a few months after I bought my own home. But I made a clear decision that I wanted move forward to keep my home, pay mortgage myself, by NOT moving in with my partner. So I continued to live in my own home and he in his with children visiting in shared custody arrangements with his ex. Like you, Daisy, I spent alot of time at his place also but in no way, did I ever feel like a "visitor" or home adrift,...because I had my own home. He also visited me alot too.

It worked well, because he could parent ..and I chose not to become the "step-parent" to the children. In hindsight, it was the best scenario for us because my style of parenting probably would have been quite different from their mother's (which she was a good parent). So he and I lived in same city for ...13 years in our own homes. Then we eventually relocated together in the city where he and I live together now. By then, the children were adults living independently.

Each child became independent adult..but this was handled by each of their birth parents at each of the children's 2 homes.

Daisygirl,

I am sad that you're getting hurt but it's good that with only six months invested that you see where your BF's allegience is going to lie. If you're arguing now it will probably only get worse and life's too short. I know you probably don't want to hear this but there are lots of fish in the sea and lots who have adult kids whose situations aren't going to cause problems. I wish you luck, dear heart.

Orchid, of course it's more complicated than that. I was spending so much time at his house that I only had 2 1/2 days to cut my grass, make jewelry, clean, look for a job, see friends, etc. I was packing up half my house and taking it with me, then coming back and unpacking it. It wasn't so much BF & son who made me feel like a visitor, I did it to myself because I felt like I was in limbo. My own house didn't feel like home either.

I think I overstepped a boundary by critiquing his parenting because I spent so much time there I felt like I was part of the family - but I'm not. Boundaries are not clear in a situation like this.

I'm hurting, but okay because BF is a decent man and didn't play games with me and has been up front about everything. It's this one issue that is a major problem.

lora, Just relax, get your priorities straight in your own home first, your job, your house, your needs should come first with you or they will never come first with anyone else. Date this man if you want to but make it be a date, he takes you out to dinner, shows, whatever, then you GO HOME to your house. If he wants more he will have to make a decision, YES he has to do that! Either he wants YOU or the son. There is NO grey here especially before you make any type of serious commitment. Watch those red flags because they are flying high. Good luck!!

I wasn't quite like you..but my heater in my condo broke down and I didn't get around to having it fixed for 1.5 yrs. I simply was in a cooler home during the winter, but not freezing. He figures I was lucky enough my place relied on ambient heat from rest of building!

We were happy to do many bike rides between each other's homes or subway rides.

I'm going to chime in here. I may have a different opinion than most. I believe it is never a good idea to critise another's parenting skills. Never.

All we have to do is put the shoe on the other foot and it will become clear.

Dealing with blending families etc. is often difficult. In fact the stats are worse for divorce in blended families than in first families. I have always read, heard advice by counsellors that the person on the outside should only be a friend to the children, not a parent. It is up to the natural parent to do the parenting.

I have quite a few single friends and I remember one of them dating a guy and telling us how he let his kids get away with things etc. he couldn't parent, she had to step in etc. Well that relationship did not work out at all.

Also, young men often do not mature until after age 25, this was told to me by a doctor. Doesn't mean that can't help out, have a job etc. but this kid lost out on important years in his Dad's life and wants to make up for lost time. I would side with my kid too if I were in his situation. You really shouldn't even think this way in my opinion, it's him or me. This is a no win situation for you.

I dont' remember reading how long he has been living with his Dad. If it is just a short period of time, ease up on him and let him enjoy the relationship. I think the fact that his Dad wants to spend time with him is wonderful. In my opinion that makes him a good Dad. Once he has got used to the area he will make friends and then he'll be out with them giving you more time to spend with your BF.

I'd say some patiences is in order here. Six months is too early to be thinking about marriage and judging this father/son relationship.

Just my two cents.
Kate

Daisygirl here.

Chatty, I think you're right - BF wants to have it both ways and that has to stop if we would continue to see each other.

Kate, I'm not concerned with the amount of time they spend together and I don't mind being with both of them. I'm not possessive and totally satisfied with the time I spend with BF. (BF would like me to spend more time there) What I have a problem with is that the dad is treating the son as if he was 14 years old. When he screws up nothing is done about it. I'll give you one example: a bottle of my wine came up missing. The dad went out and replaced it. If it was my son, I would've called him on his cell and said you shouldn't have drank Lora's wine, stop on the way home (he works at a carryout where they have wine) and get a bottle to replace it (with his money). When I'm visiting there, it does affect me.

The big picture is what is important. I don't want to spend my life with an adult child living at home indefinitely with the son having no desire to be independent and the dad not making him accountable for his actions and feeling sorry for him.

Which is another topic. I do feel sorry for him. His mother cheated and moved 2000 miles away. But it was the child's choice to go live with her, he was 16 or 17. And allowing a kid to know you feel so sorry they can get away with anything is not good.