Hi Seek

I come from a similar background and have many fundamentalist family members who wonder about me...in no uncertain terms! They think I'm kind, loving, caring and giving and still believe I could be going to Hell. And I might be, I don't know!

I, too, believe we pick our parents and have wondered what in the world I was thinking. During my journey of awakening I've learned there were reasons and lessons to be learned from them. One that was exceptionally hard was when my dad decided to shun me for 8 years using Biblical principles which, I believe, he took out of context. The gift in the situation was that, although I had grown up a "devout" Daddy's girl and believed I couldn't live without his approval, I have since come to believe differently. Gots to tell ya, I would have, at least with the thinking me, *preferred* another way to learn that lesson!!! It was an extremely painful way to come into my own!

I know others don't necessarily agree with my beliefs and I have no problem whatsoever with that. My approach to working with people is to meet them where they are and focus on our commonalities ... of which I believe there are gazillions!

Thanks for the thoughtful reply MamaRed..that does indeed help and I'll consider the possibility...I know you weren't implying anything...but because I am an introvert and a seeker, I'm not afraid to look at myself and wouldn't want to miss the chance to learn something further about myself...thank you, again generous one!!!

i am curious about my lesson. my mom is elderly and i manage her care. she was horribly abusive to me as a child and is capable of still being very nasty. i choose to try to interact with her on a higher level and mostly succeed. but sometimes i don't and get caught up in her negatively and games.

i cannot share my true self with her because she mocks and ridicules me. she has never seen me for who i am. just a quick example - i told her that me and my children would be making gifts for christmas this year and she said, "you can't do anything." my response was "is that what you think?" it is incredulous to me because i am very creative, but she has no clue. normally i would have been wounded by such a comment but i was able to not take it personally this time. but i have to be careful around her - i have learned to just be in the moment with no expectations and to ignore most of the digs and hateful comments. but as for what i am learning from her - the only thing i can think of is how to protect myself from evil people. how not to trust everyone or let down my guard with everyone. that kind of seems counterintuitive. seems like it would make more sense if i was learning TO trust instead of NOT TO trust, but everyone is not safe and good. some people are toxic. it is very sad when there are toxic people in one's family.

the other thing i have learned from my mother is to be independent. she did no nurturing, so i have had to take care of myself from a young age, and i have learned i was fully capable of doing so. so maybe i learned i have inner stength and resourcefulness. maybe i have learned that just because someone can't see good qualities in you doesn't mean you don't have them - so maybe it has been to trust myself and my thinking instead of trusting what other people say is true. it's an interesting exercise to see what the troubling parent might be teaching us. thank you.

Seek...I admire your efforts to raise your interactions with AND feelings about your mother to a higher level. My mother has become somewhat less toxic now that she is 80 but it is still wise to keep the contact down to a minimum.

You know, at one point, I began to see/feel that continuing to go around my mother and subjecting myself to her abuse was no different than women who stay in an abusive relationship with a spouse and I just stopped seeing and talking with her for a long time. Eventually, the contact resumed and I found quickly that the less frequent the contact, the less frequent the abuse. Sad but true.

Hi Deborah

I absolutely *get* that you're a seeker...I can tell that from your posts! Like I said, I have no clue as to what the lesson or gift is for you...I only know I believe there is one and am sure you will find the perfect path for you.

And you're right, I wasn't implying anything! Thanks for understanding that...I was debating what to write so as to make sure there was no implications for you. I'm grateful for that statement...you have no idea how much!

Mama Red...I knew you were trying to be sensitive. I appreciated it and wanted to let you know!!! (smile!)

Seek

The sense I got from your words is that is exactly one of the things you learned...her strength and resourcefulness and those are powerful gifts indeed.

My DH grew up in a very abusive household...both verbally and physically...and carried a great deal of hatred and pain around his stepfather (and, in actuality, around his mother to for allowing that kind of behavior to her children). We ended up in a very interesting exercise one day where we both put ourselves in the situation that would create the kind of behaviors his stepfather and mother exhibited. It was quite enlightening and led to a great deal of compassion for this abused and hated man. As we've been together, he has been able to find more ways to forgive this abused man, slowly but surely. He has also realized how many of his behaviors he had adopted over the years, because that is what had been modeled for him. Learning to forgive has been a gift, to both our relationship and our children, because he has been able to reach out to them and give them new models to work from.

I spent so many years hearing "forgive and forget" and being unable to that it was a real gift when someone taught me a new way of looking at forgiveness and teaching me forgiveness prayers that continue to help me grow and forgive, even if I don't forgive the behavior. And I have, at times, chosen to move myself out of the situation.

During a sermon one day (I go to a Unity church), I heard the pastor say..."yes, forgiveness is important and recognizing the Light within each soul is too. That doesn't mean you stay in a situation where abuse is happening...you can recognize and honor the Light after you've gotten yourself into a safe place."

For some reason, that one really touched me and helped me look, once again, at things differently.

I in no way mean we stay in, near, or around our abusers. No one deserves that, no one!!!!! And it must be very hard to hear those kinds of things from your mother...I know it hurts, and hurts deeply and I most definitely don't condone abuse. It sounds as if you have made some shifts in your interactions with her and I congratulate you for that one.

One of the things that struck me as I read your post was that you learned you wanted to be different from her...to treat people differently, more kindly and respectfully.

My thought for the moment...blessings to you and lots of love coming your way.

Deborah

Thank you, thank you, thank you...smile. Communicating via the written word, with no clues, is an interesting challenge, isn't it?

yes, it is "all good."

Seek, someone needs to teach your mom the old adage, 'don't bite the hand that feeds you.' This is such an interesting and mind exercising thread but I have to say, the jury is still out with me on this one.

I believe in God and for 8 looooong years in Catholic school learned that 'the devils gonna get you for that.' I am not a practicing Catholic any more but all those years of brain washing have stayed engrained in my psyche and make religion a very perplexing subject for me, reincarnation too. Oh mercy!