Why does anyone have to be hurt? Kind people are kind, whether in person or online! True? It is possible to disagree in a
respectful, gentle manner. IMO!

Jabber,
Well, the fact is that people are hurt. Maybe that's where non-verbals come in. You can't tell online if someone is smiling, or speaking in a soft voice. We only have the written words. And then doesn't it also depend on our abilities to write clearly and to read carefully?
Are we the same sensitivity level in person?

I beleive a lot of it has to do with mood, whether in person on online. Moods change. What one might interpret one way today, they may interpret differently later after enjoying themselves with a friend, or after bickering with a colleague. Just a thought.

I have seen what I would call cyber bullying in a forum atmosphere.

Many get their nose out of joint and retaliate in some nasty ways.

Some just want to stir up crap and there are those who are genuinely hurt by this.

There are those who just can't let it go and others who have to have the last say.

The differences in forum atmosphere and real life? I think, reading it without the attached emotion of hearing how it is "said" for one.

Some times tho I belive it was written for 'nasty' and then explained as 'sorry but you took it the wrong way'. In other words...I was making a dig but now I am renaging on it now that I've gotten my point across. Sort of marthyr like.

I think people are more apt to write their feelings when they are not "seen" more so than face to face.

I also believe some posters are more gutsy to respond in writing that if it were verbal confrontation.


If you believe in something I really don't care if you're right or wrong. I respect your beliefs and would hope to have your respect in return. If you don't respect me then I could care less. It's your perogative. I don't need you.

There is ALWAYS one or two who cannot rest without conflict in a forum... It's their life on the computer. They will research and go to great lengths to prove "them" right. They live breathe and eat discontent if they are confronted.

Am I talking about you? Well...yes if you think I am.

But don't expect me to get all riled up...it's not my style.

While I'm at it, let me say that this is just my honest opinion...not to be tampered with or confronted.

I like to avoid controversy...my life is way to good and way too short to be miserable let alone make someone else feel that way.

Especially someone that I have never had the pleasure of meeting face to face.

DJ, I think the question has to be asked: How real is this world to the member as opposed to their real life?

For example, if this site is very real to a women and friends here are real friends, they would be hurt by a post much more than if not.

Take me for an example. My real friends would never post to me as people here have and do. My real life friends seem to know me SO,SO much more than those here, even people I don't know very well, and the interchanges are 180 out in the forum than they are in my real life.

I am honest here on the forum as I can be and I am so in my real life as well. People here know the things that my real life friends and those I know slightly know but the reaction to me is so different it is almost comical.

Because of this, I don't take an angry member that seriously. I know that if they knew me they would not be posting the way they do to me.

And example would be that the most outstanding character traits I have in real life if you were to ask my friends are sensitivity, kindness and honesty. I am soft spoken, careful in how I talk to people and work very hard to understand others.

This is not the person I would say that is seen on this forum.

So, I feel that if this forum is a strong part of your world, if you feel that everyone here knows you well and speaks to the real you, you would react to conflict much, much stronger.

If you remember that we are on the internet and knowing each other is limited by that, for example not seeing one's face and inflections there, you cannot take it so seriously.

There are people who live a lot of their lives with words and on computers. I feel those people will take MUCH out of an exchange and internalize it compared with someone like myself who uses my real life to gadge myself and my character. If I feel someone here sees me in some way that is "off," I don't feel that hurt because I have enough of a life to know that others closer to me know it's not true.

I don't have many studies to refer to because I do not stay on the internet that long and I am in a different feild entirely than most here. I think that perhaps Orchid can relate as she puts much time in her body by cycling and that is time consuming as well as enriching to your circle of friends.

But people ARE hurt here, I know from PM's and they are angry at times, I also get PM's about that.

Yours is an interesting question and an interesting area, I feel.

I would also state that we should never write something we would not say to a persons face. THAT is dishonest and living through a computer...

Interesting...

Dancer

I agree with Dotsie. One day I'll see a particular subject a certain way, and the next day I'll see it from another perspective. Either that's mood change or perception change?
Who knows. Some women are extremely sensitive. Perhaps that's
hormones? Who knows. But I say join in and have fun. Enjoy life. Why waste energy getting bummed about anything?

Jabber, it's all fun.

Dancer, you raise a number of interesting points. Especially about the personas we have on line. I definitely haven't seen you as soft spoken. But it makes sense that you are -- some of my quietest students are the best and most forceful writers. A lot of my colleagues say the same thing -- the kid in class who never says a word then whams you with a paper full of some incredible insights.

And Chick mentions something similar, about how some may write more forcefully than they would speak in person.

I know I come across as more of a nerd than anything else. People who know me know I have a great sense of humor and sense of fun, but my humor is very dry. It has mostly fallen pretty flat on this site, so I avoid it.

I wonder what others think too: is there a conflict -- or just a difference -- between your self-perception and your ability to express yourself in writing?

Some people can't express their feelings when speaking. And
there are days when I can't say what I mean, write what I mean,
or react as I should. IMO women are very sensitive and that
sensitivity gets in the way of doing what they'd do, if they
felt good, weren't tired or worried, etc. C what I say???

I've been avoiding this thread, I'm so uncomfortable with conflict, whether online or FTF, that it actually makes me nauseous to have to deal with it. I'm hyper-sensitive, and know that about myself, so know to watch that I don't infuse other people's words with my own insecurities or skewed perspectives. Sometimes I have to leave a discussion to mull it over from different angles, usually trying to give the benefit of the doubt to the other person (though sometimes that ends up being to my own detriment). There have been a few times when a poster's comments have taken my breath away, and I've had to check with someone else to see if that's really what they were saying or if it was just me coloring their intent with my own faulty interpretation. Again, I just often have to shrug my shoulders and just swallow down the perceived hurt and give the other person the benefit of the doubt, for the sake of the community and because at heart, I prefer to nurture peace than conflict.

What might be difficult for some people to understand is that for some of us, right or wrong, this community IS our world. I'm housebound because of anxiety, which hopefully will eventually change. But for now, this community IS my lifeline to the outside world. I have no friends outside of here. That reality snuck up on me, and that too has to change, but for now, that's just how it is. This community has helped in more ways than I can elaborate here. But it is so vital to me, again, right or wrong, that if something is said here that makes me feel ostracized or attacked, it has the power to incapacitate me with grief. Poor Dotsie has had to deal with my angst over that a couple of times in the past, but with her help, I've just decided to trust that nobody here ever means great harm to anyone else, and if they do, then that will be noticed by others beside me and will be addressed. I cannot decide on my own, because I'm flawed by my own insecurity and angst, whether a post is or isn't truly mean-spirited.

So I think that the perception of conflict is often very subjective, depending on another person's sensitivities, moods, and however the written (or spoken in FTF) words/ideas impact them on their way through each person's inner translation process.

Conflict is conflict to me. I don't like it online or FTF.

I think the best thing is to come up with some guidelines and get started. You will learn something new every day. I promise. And it's just like anything else, you prepare all you can, and you will still learn as you go along. Think positive, be the good example with your posts, and take it from there.

DJ, I look forward to hearing more about this when we get together after Christmas.