Hi honey

Living through the aftermath of abuse sucks...big time, no ifs ands or buts. What you went through isn't right, or fair, or kind or any of those things.

AND, I know for a fact you deserve better than you're receiving and that this is the best they can or they would do better. AND, this is a big AND, you don't have to continue suffering for it.

Baby steps, sweet one, baby steps. I've read of the care and love you give your animals and that is what you get to lavish on yourself. It is sooooooooo easy to say and often soooooo hard to do. So, if needs be, think about how you would treat an animal, maybe your beloved horse, if they had been treated as you are being treated. I may be mis-remembering and wasnt't it you who got your horse out of a situation where he/she was being mistreated?

Even if not, it is still a good example.

Write the list and take one action...one is a start sweet one, one is a start. And, if you would consider it, cut yourself some slack (gee, this is becoming a theme for me...grin) and focus on the things you have, and are, doing!

As for the anger, I've found suppressing it or saying it is bad/wrong doesn't do much in the way of an outlet for it. As long as you feel it, it needs a way to be released. And maybe you could find a constructive way to let it out...my DH actually set up a box in the garage with old glassware and got me a pair of goggles to wear so I could let out the anger/rage without hurting myself or anyone else. I was touched, even though I didn't go that route. I needed a verbal outlet for me and so found a place to scream and yell and throw things, even tho' they weren't breakables.

Without an outlet for the anger, done, sometimes, until you're so drained you think you'll never move again, you don't tend to be able to move to the next step.

One course I was in set it up so we could have a good primal scream. I was so inhibited and threatened by my own anger and fear of it that I was unable, at first, to even participate. It was a pillow/chair exercise where you put a pillow on the chair and beat it as if it was something/someone you were made it. As I said, it took a bit before I could let loose enough to do anything...I was taught anger was wrong, destructive and unladylike.

Later on, I returned to the course as a volunteer and helped others walk through the exercise. One precious soul had been horribly abused...hearing his words tore at my heart so deeply...and I stayed with him as he went through the rage and pain...and when he was done for the night(although I have no doubt he found more later), he was a limp rag, worn and frazzled and ready to find something else.

I don't have a counseling degree nor am I a therapist, so I don't want to be recommending anything that could hurt you in any way. I'm sure others here have more knowledge around this topic. AND I believe it is important to acknowledge and honor the anger in some way shape or form...and that it is vital it be done so it doesn't hurt you or anyone else. There has been enough of that and I have no doubt, from your posts, that you have no wish to continue the tradition you came from.

And please, sweetie, please know it is normal to want to have the love of your family. This is the gift you bring to the world...by choosing to stop the way you are being treated, you are choosing that it stop with you!

One step at a time, one page at a time.
With all my love...MamaRed

I just talked to my step-dad, and he lied again. Says he has operation tomorrow and does not know why I did not offer any emotional support. No on told me! He said, yes we did. No, I replied, no on said anything me. This is a constant. My mother will not change and her husband chooses to believe her. They are both not very physically healthy and have chosen to live a life of gluttony and have chosen to blow their money as they saw fit. Yes, they have helped me in the past, yet also held it against me. They think they're doing the right thing. Ya da ya da yada, I could go on. They won't change and I can't make them. I told them today that by their actions I see that I'm not wanted - they said otherwise but offered to love nor support. Its the truth. If any of the other kids call, my parents will do whatever is necessary. But, not for me. Why have they chosen to treat me so horribly? Its their choice, they consciously make decisions to lie and abuse with vindictiveness and then deny it ever happened and say I'm crazy. They tell folks I'm bi-polar. Am I responsible (physically and financially) to care for my mother should my step-father pass away? My mother asks why I'm so hateful. I told her that she set the example, I treat her the way she treats me. I told them I will drop of the Christmas gifts and want nothing else to do with them. Its so lonely.

Hi MG...I'm soooooooooo sorry you're going through this...holidays can be a tough time at the best of times, let alone with all this s**t!

I know you're lonely and hurt and I wish I could take it all away for you. And please remember this: they are responsible for themselves, you are responsible for you. You GET to make your choice and let them say what they will say. It has been my experience that the more I try to "convince" someone who carries these words and thoughts, the more they will use it against me.

If you need to talk, vent, cry, whatever, let me know and I'm there!

Mustang Gal,
I'm sorry about Christmas but it seems it is NOT the place to feel all warm and cuddley!

You are right: "Enough is enough."

Bless you, my dear.
And to he** with them.

Dancer

Mustang, you need to realize that "people treat us the way we allow them to treat us." Think about that, it is so true. I am guilty of allowing that too. I have stopped it, nipped it in the bud so to speak. I may be alone without some of my family but I am sick and tired of being walked on as you must be. Either treat us the way we treat you, with kindness and respect, or hit the road Jack!!! Besides we, your cyber sisters all love you dearly.

Thanks ya'll! Dropped off the Christmas presents yesterday and was asked to drive to Georgia with them -- but explained that I was purposely not invited and too late to change my plans. Also, Mom said she wanted to talk to me, yet neighbor came over and they began a conversation so I said "gotta go". Typical, where all others come before her eldest daughter.

Took my mother a week to thank me for my present to them. It was an "oh, by the way, thanks."

Tonight my parents and siblings are celebrating joint birthdays, I was the last to know and had other plans. They've been planning this for weeks and as usual I'm the last to know. My step-dad called to invite me. I am so angry. I have so much hate towards them.

Abusive parents. Greedy, selfish siblings. Child molesting uncles. Abusive grandparents. And yet, they are all pillars of their communities. I'm tired of it.

Told my step-dad to never contact me again. I'll stay in my county and they can stay in their county. I'm tired of being the last to know and rarely included. Their actions speak for themselves. He said, not don't act like that, don't say that, its not true. But it is.

I have no words to express how I feel. Except, that I'm alone and have been since I was molested as a child. I'm fearful of everything and have very little love left. I have hatred against the world and life. It really hurts to be born and abused since childhood. Why didn't they just give me up? Why continue the verbal and physical abuse. I was a child and kicked and slapped. Raped and did not know what it was in kindergarten and early grade school. I didn't know. It was not my fault.

It is so easy for an abuser/liar to deny the harm they've caused. But, it leaves the innocent angry and this is how the abuse cycle continues, too.

I am not a complete person because of their abuse. I don't trust, always questioning and doubting.

I just don't know what else to say. I'm empty. Void.

Mustang, I realized something not to long ago and thats that we are alone. Really alone when it comes to others having our backs. I use to believe in that and have had many of my friends, familys backs over the years, BUT when push came to shove recently, I learned it's nothing more than a myth invented in my own mind. Kind of like, we will be your friend so long as there is no chance of any danger coming our way.
HARD LESSON!!!! But a good one.

Mustang gal, I'm so sorry for the abuse in your childhood. I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I, too, was an abused child.

There is help. I had 12 years of therapy and finally graduated into a whole person with a life and those who I love and love me. You CAN fill your world with loving people. You CAN make a family that is caring and there for you and who will love you.

You CAN get rid of the pain and the hate. I know it's big and overwhelming and you don't have to forgive your abusers but you can save you OWN life and make it happy.

The journey though our lives as children when we are adults is not an easy one but it is worth it as we re-parent ourselves with love and caring. We give ourselves unconditional love and heal.

I feel for you and your post brought a tear to my eye. I remember feeling like you do. It was years ago but I'll never forget it.

We can't pick our family but we can when we are adults and we can choose to spend time on ourselves and our happiness.

Please feel free to PM me at any time about anything. I'm sure we suffered some of the same things.

Know that you are not alone. Know you can fix your anger and pain and know that there is always help out there for you.

Warmest regards,
Dancer9

Mustang, you have been holding this in for a long time, and I think it has come to a head, so to speak. I'm so sorry for the pain you have endured, and are still going through. I'm sorry I missed this thread, although I know we have "talked" before. These last few months have been a crisis situation for you. You asked in one of your posts how others deal with conflicts in the family. I've disengaged from my family several times, when I could no longer take being the scapegoat. I stood my truth by myself, while the abuser continued to live his life as a "family man." I stood alone until I no longer felt alone, because I found myself. It's possible. You are not alone. And that void can be filled with love. It may not come from them because they sound incapable of giving and receiving love. It's them, not you. You already know what is good and right for you (given the example that you know it is wrong to gossip.) It sounds like your mother can not deal with her own mental illness (bi-polar) so she projects it on to you to deflect it from herself? Much love and light to you, Lynn