Redda,
You are among friends, and also among people who can relate to everything your going through. How we take our journey's may differ a bit, but the destinations sadly, are the same. Please feel free to talk about whatever is in your heart and mind. And God bless you both for your caregiving roles.

JJ

Overlapping kids and elder care can nearly do you in. It makes self-care harder, but more important than ever. My youngest son had several health problems, so that made my choices even harder. Two young boys a deaf, elderly neighbor...then aunt and uncle, then in-laws and parents. All of the time my kids were growing up, there were elder emergencies. I had to do some quick thinking. One Chrismas, my youngest son said, "I hope we don't have any funerals this Christmas!" We'd had so many Chrismas deaths.

But you know - you make it through. Everyone grows. Did I always make the right choice? I'm sure I didn't. But I did the best I could. Bless you all for the care you give. Keep supporting each other and keep talking. It's the best therapy there is - talking to others who have been there and understand.

[ March 22, 2006, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: Carol Bradley Bursack ]

Wow! I'm sorry I didn't know about this forum over the last year but I haven't been to this website in months --- I've been caring for my mother as she slowly died from old age (91) and congestive heart failure (Feb 12th). And, I've been trying to take care of myself and my family.

My mother was living in a nursing home but I still feel like I "cared for her" because, as the oldest child, I was in charge of her care. Sigh! The weird thing is that I haven't cried for her. She'd been on hospice since Nov 30th. For the 6 months before her death, she'd been slowly withdrawing from life --- she was less and less communicative and she slept most of the time. I feel like I did so much "pre-grieving" that when she died I was "prepared" for it so it didn't hit me as hard as when my father died unexpectedly 11 years ago. I was devastated when he died and was numb for at least 4 months.

We had her cremated. My siblings and I had a "gathering of friends" on Feb 18th. On April 15th, we are gathering at the cemetery for a short graveside service to bury her and then we're going to a local restaurant for a luncheon in her honor. I'm putting together some poetry and music for the graveside service. My mother loved going out to lunch so the luncheon truly is in her honor.

I feel at peace with her death. It was her time to go. She missed my father. In recent years, we had talked about everything , and I mean everything --- her chronic depression, the death of my older sister (age 4, I was 20-months old, my younger sister was 5 weeks old), and how these tragic circumstances affected our family. I was with her when she died. There wasn't anything else I could do for her. No facility is perfect and she was getting the best care possible. I just hope that I won't be "hit" by her death later. I don't ever want to feel as badly as I did when my father died. It was HELL on earth.

My feeling, Misfire, is that you won't "be hit" later. Both of my parents died very slowly - with hospice care. I experienced relief at their deaths. Their "life" beforehand was far worse. It just took their bodies so long to die. Your grieving has been going on for so long. You had the wonderful experience of discussing family history and events with your mother - something you didn't have with your dad. That is likely one reason losing your dad was so devastating. Your mom was ready to join your dad, so you can celebrate her life with the plans you've made.

I shed a few brief tears when my mother died - mostly of relief. I was happy she could finally be rid of pain and she could join dad, which is what she wanted. I believe they are, in some form, together now. God bless you. Keep in touch.

It's nice to hear of others who did not shed a tear when their mother died. I was totally relieved when my mother died after a few months of being totally bedridden from cancer severing through her spine. Her last few months were degrading, wearing nappies, bed baths, bed sores, pain and drugs, I know she hated it!

Oh, Flossie, you are not alone at all. When people came to me with "I'm sorry about your mother (or father)" - well, what could they say? Or what could I say? But, I was so relieved with each of their deaths. Who wants to see someone suffer like that? And we know they are readyto die. So, of course there is relief. The only tears that I shed were tears that they had to suffer and tears that they lived so long after they had lost any quality of life. You are very definitely not alone.