The Sweetness of Obedience

I need to share something with my new friends here because what’s been happening to me is almost too good to believe.

I’ve been struggling with my next writing project. My book should be coming out next month and I’ve been thinking about another book. Now, my book, Death in the Desert, isn’t a Christian book but it exposes wrong attitudes and points out some moral issues. I really felt God wanted me to write the book this way. In fact, I had an offer from a university press to do the book as non-fiction (I’ve done about 5 years research on the issue of illegal immigrants and their subsequent dying in the desert) but felt so strongly that this was a message best served as a suspense novel that I turned them down.

I’ve shied away from Christian fiction because … well, the best word I can use is one Scarlett O’Hara used in describing Melanie … MEALY-MOUTHED. Most of the Christian fiction I’ve read seems that way. Unrealistic, out of touch with real life, trite, and always totally happy ever after endings. We all know that’s not how life is.

So. I have a manuscript pretty much complete … even written as a Christian-suspense-romance and I thought a lot about editing it … and it NOT being a Christian novel. But something held me back.

Two days ago I earnestly prayed to the Lord about it … asking him if I have it wrong … what did He want me to do. I asked that he make it clear and I would do it. Well yesterday in my quiet time he gave me an answer … Christian fiction. In my journal I honestly said (through tears that kept me from even seeing what I was writing) I didn’t want to do it but I would. In other words, I would be obedient. I’ve discovered that if I’m not in His will my anxiety and panic have a tendency to really mushroom.

Here is how He answered me:

Oh God, how awesome you are. You have answered. You have given me the direction to go more specifically than I could ever imagine. And isn’t that always how it seems to be with You. We ask and you answer and give abundantly. Now my tears are those of joy and gratitude beyond description.

The sweetness of obedience is so much more than having prayers answered – so much more. It brings us close to Jesus … it touches our spirit, our soul … every part of us. And that sweetness envelops us in an almost overpowering and supernatural joy. How do I describe this? How can I convey this in my writing. I realize that THIS IS THE MESSAGE. Regardless of the pain and suffering we endure, the sweetness of obedience washes over us even when we didn’t want to do it but did so because of our love of God. Oh how I long to show this to others. Yes, the reality is the pain and heartache … that gut-wrenching, middle of the night cry … when our hearts are breaking. But oh, the awesomeness of being this intimate with our Savior … the peace is almost indescribable. Oh God, help me to use what I’m experiencing right now to show others of your unending love … the way you love us so much. Oh yes, now, NOW, I’m writing while I can’t really see what I’m writing, writing through the tears of joy now, as I’ve written through the tears of heartache.

As devastating and painful as heartache is, that’s how intense and overjoyed I am at this moment as I bask in the love of my Savior as he smiles down on me in my obedience to choose His way and not mine.

PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW THIS. IT’S REAL. IT’S REAL. IT’S REAL. I pray God helps me to show others – even if only one person reads what I write and understands … only if one. My burning, deepest desire now is to show this truth to others.

I’ve so longed for God’s presence lately … hungered for it. And, now, here it is. I fought His will for so long in this … my love and my praise is overwhelming.

How many people miss God’s blessings because they don’t want to do His will? They refuse and they stay stuck in their circumstances … they stay in the mire and the muck of their own misery. And they stay … never giving God a chance to love them and bless them.

I am so overwhelmed by how God has answered my prayer. So overwhelmed and so unworthy but the price Jesus paid so that I might have this is almost too much. But I do accept it because I’ve longed for such a long time to be loved. And here God is, loving me and giving me such precious gifts.

I had to stop for a few minutes. The joy is almost too much to take in but I will take it all in and revel in it … and I stand (well, sitting now) amazed at what God has done. This is a journey I must make with God because there is absolutely no way I could do this. I need God desperately to guide every word, to help shape every character, every sentence, paragraph, page, and chapter.

He’s given me a new journey and I’m so excited and awed – I just had to share it with all of you.

I do want to add one thing. While I know some of you may not consider my decision a painful one, I wanted you to know that I struggled with obedience in regard to coming to Germany. It was so much more painful than what I've just recently experienced. I was filled with fear, loneliness, and heartbreak for quite some time before the sweetness of my obedience was evident. If I had it to all over again, I would, in a heartbeat. And if you're interested in hearing more, please let me know.

Hugs and Blessings, Francine

Francine,

I can empathize with how you were feeling. I am so happy that God showed you.

I thank our Heavenly Father for giving you the comfort in knowing that you are doing His Will!

Praise be to God, in the name of Jesus Christ! Amen!

Love and Blessings,
Cathi

<small>[ June 23, 2005, 11:52 AM: Message edited by: Optimumsteps ]</small>

Cathi:

I'm glad you understood and can appreciate what I was trying to say here.

I know a lot of people don't like to think about obedience but to be honest, I was a little hurt that no one else commented on what I posted. In fact, it was like walking into a room full of friendly women, sharing this story and then dead silence. Kinda scary -- so your post was such a comfort.

I also know I don't need confirmation to validate what God is doing in my life -- it was just surprising. Maybe I expect too much.

Thanks for your friendship.

Hugs and blessings, Francine

Francine,
The reason I didn't respond right away was because I had to sort through my initial response to part of your post, but I've decided to mention that initial response anyway.

First, I'm really genuinely glad and happy for you that you had such a profoundly joyful epiphany...it's clear that God broke through in a powerful way, and what could be more joyful and worth celebrating than seeing God work so miraculously in another wounded sister's heart and life. So I celebrate, rejoice and delight with you in your revelation and epiphany.

At the same time, I pesonally got tangled up in this paragraph: "How many people miss God’s blessings because they don’t want to do His will? They refuse and they stay stuck in their circumstances … they stay in the mire and the muck of their own misery. And they stay … never giving God a chance to love them and bless them."

It ensnared me because I'm admittedly hypersensitive to anything that implies that all suffering (especially from depression, anxiety, etc) comes because of a lack of faith or from not being "good enough" in one's faith response to God.

I have struggled long and hard against that particular stigma and it always grieves me to keep coming up against that implication. You probably didn't mean it that way, and I understand that you probably didn't, but that's still how it hit me and why I couldn't respond as joyously as you might have hoped.

I do get stuck in the muck and mire of miserable depression and mangled thinking. But it's not because I've refused to do God's will, or because I don't pray enough or have enough obedience and faith. It's because depression is an illness whose hallmark symptom is mangled thinking. And both the depression and the mangled thinking do often keep people mired in that misery for years and lifetimes.

But it's my experience that God comes into my mangled thinking, into my muck and mire, and sits with me there, not asking me to "snap out of it" or pray myself out of it, because He knows that the illness itself can often make that impossible. He knows that if He wants to heal me, I've given Him full reign and permission to do so. But instead He appears to choose to sit and wait and companion me in that misery for days, weeks, years...for as long as it takes me to become mentally untangled enough to start crawling out of there. Then He sends me the right people, the right medications, the right wisdom and other resources (like BWS) to help me out.

I didn't want to rain on your parade, your experience was profound and miraculous and beyond beautiful and I do celebrate with you. And I don't want my piddly sensitivity to take anything away from your joy and epiphany. But you wondered why nobody else responded, and this was my reason for not responding sooner.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I am so happy that God showed you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Allow me to elaborate on my comment above.

There are times when I have asked God to show me what His will is for me. To show me which direction to go. Then there would be silence on God's part, no sign, no Scripture popping out at me, nada. So it is always a Joy when an epiphany does occur.

Understand, this is not to say that this happens to me personally all the time. But I have realized that the times that God seemed silent, were times when I was trying to rush God for an answer. I would try to seek the answers myself and expect God to work in my timing, not His.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">How many people miss God’s blessings because they don’t want to do His will? They refuse and they stay stuck in their circumstances … they stay in the mire and the muck of their own misery. And they stay … never giving God a chance to love them and bless them.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Unfortunately, as long as we are in the flesh, we are going to come across obstacles and dealing with depression. I realize that now.

Which I totally understand the Sweetness of Obedience part. The silence I've experienced was from my lack of obedience.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I do get stuck in the muck and mire of miserable depression and mangled thinking. But it's not because I've refused to do God's will, or because I don't pray enough or have enough obedience and faith. It's because depression is an illness whose hallmark symptom is mangled thinking. And both the depression and the mangled thinking do often keep people mired in that misery for years and lifetimes.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I also understand this. Please don't misinterpret this as a double standard. I am going to reveal something that I usually do not tell anyone. But I suffer from emotional problems, and I did spend over a week in a Psych Hospital a year and a half ago. I was in the Center for Emotional Recovery, and it was a Blessing! This does not mean that I do not suffer from anxiety and depression at times, I certainly do. But each time I recover from it, I look at it in hindsight, then I understand that I had to go through it in order to learn something from that experience.

I hope that what I said here makes sense. If not, ask me and I will try to clarify what I am saying.

Love, Hugs, and Blessings,
Cathi

Eagle Heart and Cathi:

You know, one of the blessings of this forum is that we can come here and share and be honest and I think we know we can do so without criticism.

Eagle Heart ... you know, I'm glad you wrote what you did because from my post it could be assumed that I lean more towards that "just pray" as an answer. Reality is that while prayer and meditating on God's word can help, I know from personal experience that other things can affect our lives.

I never meant to imply that all one needs is strong faith to overcome the challenges we face ... I know that first hand with my depression. And anxiety. And panic attacks. And, without my medications I wonder where I'd be. I think you'll agree ... depression isn't result of anything we do ... or, don't do, for that matter. True, we can work our recovery to help us to cope with whatever challenges we have.

I've used the Psalms in the depths of my depression and there is a wonderful verse in one of David's psalms, Psalm 18 verses 16-19:

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes (depression, anxiety, panic), who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he resuced me because he delighted in me.

I remember reading this and thinking about how God reached down in the depths of my despair ... in my muck and mire. And yes, He will stay with us because, as David said, "he delighted in me." So, Eagle Heart, I agree with you.

But there are times when God does show us a path and by taking it we can enjoy the sweetness of obedience. He understands the depression and, usually, only He can comfort us. You didn't rain on my parade at all. I'm blessed that you shared your feelings because I've felt the same way.

Cathi, thank you for sharing something you've not shared here. Sometimes I've wished I could enter a program like that ... thinking that maybe a concentrated time in recovery would help me. What you said makes perfect sense. And I think you helped clarify what I was trying to say.

I think we all have times of ephipanies like I had ... and in fact in my journal this morning I wrote about how I was on the mountaintop yesterday and now I'm not. But I'm not going to let that affect the direction I'm going in. And I'll battle with depression, anxiety, and panic ... but I will always be thankful for those special times when the Creator of the universe reaches down in my muck and mire to hold me. Like He does for all of us who love Him.

Hugs and blessing to both of you for your honesty and sharing.

Francine

I love this forum. There is so much wisdom within. Thank all of you for sharing. I hung in with all of you and each and every word you shared.

I think the most important part of this entire thread is the intimacy with our Savior that we experience when we willingly go to Him and shed ourselves seeking His ways, not ours.

I have to mention this because it's been touched on indirectly. Why do people think Christians shouldn't get depressed? Why do they think we live a life of bliss and never have struggles? I don't get it. We are all brothers and sisters with life's trials and tribualtions, joys and blessings. Just because we chose to follow Him doesn't mean we don't have issues.

Why do people ask, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" How do you measure good? I heard a minister mention that so many people ask, "why me?" The misinter implied...why not you? What makes us think we should escape "bad things"?

I find peace in knowing for certain that God travels EVERYWHERE with me, and always will. And, I find peace in knowing Cathi, Eagle, and Francine know the same!

Dotsie ... thanks for your comments.

I so agree with what you said about the assumption of others thinking once you're a Christian life becomes easy.

Yet most of my signifcant growing times has come from the painful ones. I guess it's part of that refiner's fire.

God does travel everywhere, doesn't He.