Well, I never thought I'd require soliciting advice from a message board, but here I am. *sigh*

I am contemplating divorce and it's heartbreaking to say the least. I'll try and put this in a "Reader's Digest" version.

Hubby and I married at age 23, have three children (for the record, used three different methods of birth control...guess God had other plans!) He had trouble holding a job, we fought while I worked two and rarely three jobs while pregnant each time. After a fight about money (go fig)...he did what he would usually do which was walk out. At that time, I told him I was tired of his running away to come back like nothing happened, no resolution ever...just "ignore it and it will go away" mentality, and if he walked out the door, I would file for divorce. He didn't believe me. I filed for divorce, stayed with my parents which was awful. After birth of 3rd child was on my own after a year. I was making 17k a year and my pride didn't allow me to use any type of public assistance. It was terrible.

I was awarded supervised visitation and did not make it easy for him. He did rise to that occassion. He was using marajuana prior to the divorce and was a source of our money problems. While he continued to use, he never missed time with the kids. He attempted to get sole custody, but with no job and the refusal to take a drug test, that is how I obtained the supervised visitation. Also, he was always behind on support.

To his credit, he was always there for the children. It was heartbreaking for me, because he was always available to the kids. Two years pass, we were civil, he stopped smoking and we got along well. Money always seemed the stressor in the marriage. I was working in radio, and one day he came to me and asked me if I could be a stay at home mother and if he enlisted in the military, would I consider marrying him again and putting the family back together.

I agreed. While in the military he had an affair. I only have proof of one, but suspect there were at least two others. I demanded counselling, he went and lied through all of it. I caught him by setting up a bogus email from the woman I suspected the affair with, and he told her it was over. Not much of a consolation considering he had me conviced I was crazy. But, through God's grace, we got through it.

Our kids are well adjusted, great students, no behavior issues, ect.... He decides to get out of the military after 11 years. We moved back to hometown where I was offered a radio gig again.

Cutting to the chase out of the past 2 years we have been back, he was unemployed for the first 7 months, got a job and was fired after 11 months, unemployed again for 5 months, got a job and is in his probation period and his review was awful. He's been informed that he has 30 days to "learn it" or he's gone. It's factory work, not brain surgery.

I know God hates divorce, but I am sooooooo tired. Our children are 19,16,15 and 9. We cannot even meet basic needs. A car is always breaking down, we need dental work done, behind in payments on just about everything but our rent.

I have been blessed at my job, but only make about 32k a year. Is it possible to raise four children on that and not live in a dangerous part of town?

I don't want to use public assistance, because being in radio, my name is fairly recognisable. {I hope that doesn't sound like an inflated ego talking...my pride...probably...but just a silly fact that my name is known around town.) "Hi, I'm "blah blah from xyz radio...here's my food stamps!" I feel so shameful. I'm not looking for vacations in the Bahamas...but I would like to live in a safe neighborhood and drive (not new) but dependable transportation. I have recently found out he's been buying Rx pain killers from a "friend of his" because his legs really hurt him from having to stand all day on the job. *eye roll*

Am I stuck? I don't even know where to look for resources. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I feel like a complete nincompoop!

Also, sorry this ended up being the posting equivalant to "War and Peace". *groan*

Thanks in advance,
starryeyes

You divorced him once why not again? He doesn't sound like any kind of a positive addition to your life so maybe its time to cut the cord so to speak and move on. Imagine him suddenly being sick or injured and not being able to contribute even what he does now and your being stuck taking care of him FOREVER more! Oh bite my tongue....the children are old enough to understand and if they want a relationship with their dad they can have one. Until you straighten out your life there will be no happiness, no new someone to love and take care of you so best to get started...Oh and welcome to boomers starryeyes and I liked War and Peace so never you mind, it takes whatever it takes to say what we need to say...

Hey, chatty lady! *warm smile* Thanks for taking the time. You have hit the nail on the head as to "were I am" in all this right now.

The thing I'm really hung up on his that VOW I spoke before God. Sickness, health, better for worse, richer, poorer...*sigh*

Then I think, "Yeah, I said, for better or worse...not farce!"

That's when the wheels on my bus start going 'round and 'round....*blech*

I need to figure out how I can support my children. Dammit, where the heck IS Ed McMahn already?!!! *wry chuckle*

Well starryeyes, I finally gave up on Ed McMahn, the Publishers Clearing House van, the Lottery and various Casino jackpots here in Vegas. If it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. DRAT!! Ever heard the old saying; God helps them who helps themself? That was my wake-up call as my ball and chain was only being kept around out of my fear of not being able to take care of things financially, BUT I got to tell you I was able to raise two sons alone and still though hard at times we made it. My sons pitched in with part time jobs and bought alot of their own things, big help! It is easier than you can imagine and you have a good job to be thankful for. There is no peace on earth like peace of mind. Once you've attained that, all else falls into place rather simply .

[ March 12, 2006, 09:36 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

starryeyes, welcome to BWS.

I hope you find the encouragement you need to make the necessary changes that will bring you complete happiness.

Hang around and other women who are either going through, or have gone through something similar will be here to share more.

Until, love yourself!

Thanks so much, ladies. It's the providing/financial issues that have me spooked the most.

Ugh. Why can't he just get his collective crap together? *grrrrrrr*

Dear Starryeyes,

I am sorry to read of your predicament. What a tough choice you have ahead of you. But I think you already know what you have to do and maybe you just needed to get your story out on this forum where you could view it from a vantage point outside your own head. We ladies can (and I'm sure will) offer you our emotional support,lend an ear to vent your frustrations, and like Dotsie said, hope that you find the encouragement you need to do what has to be done. But let's face it - the tough choice ahead is ultimately yours alone, whether it be to end your marriage, or stick with it for the moment.

And I do mean for the moment, because the only sure thing I know about life these days is that it constantly changes. Nothing ever stays the same, and now that you have voiced your feelings you may no longer have the patience to put up with your situation at home. The fact that you realize you've been clinging to your marriage because of financial concerns may no longer carry as much weight now as it did when your husband was contributing more to the financial health of your family. And that puts a whole new spin on the picture. The fact that your husband has been there for the children is wonderful (believe me - I am jealous!), but that does not make the rest of the problems go away.

You say that God hates divorce, but I believe that God does not want us to squander our lives away either. And what will you have to contribute to your children or the rest of the world if you are mired in resentment and bitterness? You have a lot to share with people, and certainly being in radio is a wonderful platform to reach out to others. You never know where that will take you with a positive attitude and a fresh outlook on life. I was nearly devastated by the dissolution of my own marriage,but in some ways it was a huge relief not to have to deal with a level of stress and tension that I did not even realize I carried around with me on a daily basis. And peace of mind is something that you cannot put a pricetag on. The rest will come in time with hard work and determination.

Keep those starry eyes, but please temper them with a dose of reality. You will be in my thoughts.

Foundhervoice-atlast

During my divorce, I was broke too and was forced into getting food stamps. My kids had to eat. But now, they don't give stamps but a card, it looks just like a credit card, that you swipe through the machine. So, nobody but you will know.

I know the ego/shame thing. I was Mrs. Arizona and using food stamps. It's just something you work through and in the end, it takes a lot of financial stress off your shoulders.

StarryEyes, I'm living it right now. Even if you struggle it's STILL better than struggling with him pulling you down. I would think being in radio would give you opportunities to develop outside income that the rest of us can't get to. As a radio celeb. couldn't you do speaking engagements ect capitalizing on your name to bring in extra income?

Or maybe product endorcements? Or use your celeb status to land a better gig at a competing station?

Take an accurate inventory of what you have/what you think you would have after divorce and devise a way to live within that budget. As we get older we seem to need more or nicer--try to remember what it was like when you first were starting out--I'll bet your standards were lower then and you survived just fine! Look for areas you can cut back in. Start applying for college grants now so you have $$for college when your children are ready to go to school.

You'll be just fine. You did it before and you can do it again. The first time round was 'basic training' for the real thing. Just take the time to make the right decision and then move forward. Take it one step, one day at a time. God will watch over you.

starryetes go to the Singlehood thread below and read what all the newly single and experienced singles have to say....its an eye opener...

Thanks, so much ladies! I did go to my boss today and did get an endorsement deal it's an extra 75 bucks a week!

I do think the Good Lord is leading me. I also got a call to MC a huge charity event, doesn't pay, but it will put me in front of the mega "movers and shakers" in this city.

Chatty Lady...I took your advice and read through that thread. I am a chicken-poop! LOL!! For now, I'm divising a plan....a long term one...I'm not going to cut off my nose to spite my face. For instance, hubby doesn't know about the endorsement gig, I'm gonna squirrel that cash away to aid in my "escape plan".

I know he is terrified of losing me again and although it feels manipulative, I'm going to let him worry. I feel guilty for not being emotionally supportive of him, but maybe (yes, hope springs eternal with me...), it will motivate him. If not, I've got my own action plan in place.

I'm also putting a cd together and see if I can't pick up some spot work. (commercials) I've given this such "the college try"...so why am I feeling so guilty? For now I think I will play this out via a "role reversal". I am getting my own checking/savings acct and will tell him he can get his own,too and we will split all expenses, or he can fork over his check to me and give me full responsibility over the funds.

There, at least he gets a choice. *heh heh heh* This would be a lot easier if he was a jerk regarding the kids, but he is an awesome father. I think there are inner demons he is battling with and I'm his wife, not his mommy or a freakin' therapist.

He can be the wife for now. Gee, I hope he makes something good for dinner and creases my pants! *smirk*

Okay, not feeling so much like a wishy-washy chickenpoop now!

Ohhhhh if he's the wife, do I get a penis? *I'm sure Freud would have a heyday with that one...*

Okay, thanks for the support ladies, you have kept me from sticking my head in the sand...

Thanks for the referral to the singlehood thread, chatty. It made me feel better, too.

foundhervoice-atlast

Hugs to both you brave women who came to Boomers and were given the support needed and the info that you were/are not alone. You need to be supportive of you and your children, starryeyes, he's suppose to be the MAN and since he isn't doing it you have to, penis or no penis, yuk, yuk

startingover and starryeyes, I hope you both are doing well. How about an update?

Well ladies, I was going to wait till next week when I had a little more info but here's what I know today.
1. Unless God miraculously intervenes the house will be sold out from under me on April 4. He refused to help make a single payment and I ran out of extra funds to stay afloat. I have a couple trying to purchase for less than what I owe, but we still don't know if the approval will come in before the sale date.
2. I still have not had a day in court to force him to help pay any of our bills (1.5 yrs and waiting) New court date is April 7.
3. This means I have to move all of his stuff and mine since I don't know what a judge will decide in court. If the judge gives it to me then I could sell it all to make some $$. So today I rented a storage unit for one month I will move all his things there and move mine to a rent house.
4. I move this weekend (4 days before foreclosure sale) to a rent house one town over. It was God at work to get this place! It is a rent house owned by someone in my church, they got notice of the tenant moving out less than 24 hours before I called to ask if she had anything for rent. Since she knows me she is not asking for any deposit, and I can keep my best friend and faithful male companion---my dog!
5. Soon-to-be-ex will be sentenced in Federal Court April 21. I have been told the talk around the court house is that he will get 5-6 years.

If everyone could continue to pray I would appreciate it. He continues to fight that he shouldn't be responsible for any of our bills. I know he has bought a brand new truck and racked up hugs amounts of credit card debt that he has no way of paying back once he is in prison--why he would spend knowing he has no way to pay is beyond me. Attorney seems to think he may be planning to have his debts roll onto me when he goes to jail. If he can actually do that--(we were married at the time debt was incurred and I know he used my social to get one of the credit cards--then I will be forced to file bankruptcy too.

Despite everything and how bad circumstances are, this was the best thing I have done for myself. I am weary of the battle but know that ultimately the battle is won through the Lord. I continue to rest in Him and trust Him for my needs.

I don't want to discourage those at the beginning of the process--it has been worth every moment of pain and stress because I am free from a debilitating and destructive relationship. I was lonely every day I was married--but I haven't spent one single day or night being lonely since. I am alone but not lonely--it is a curious thing but God has definitely stepped in to comfort me. He can for you too.

I would leave all of his belongings in the house. Why should you go to that extra effort? Let them rot.

You sound strong in spite of everything. I will be sending positive thoughts your way.

Filing bankrupcy is not the end as so many think but a new beginning. It is not something one does lightly but in your casse and if these bill collectors come after you then FILE. You needn't lose your car or anything else you want to keep even with the new laws. Make sure the judge knows what he is doing and maybe they can tack on some time for fraud which is what he is committing. Good luck to you.

Starting Over,
You are such an inspiration. Staryeyes, if you have not read her story, you should. She is a an incredible woman who has endured unspeakable pain and with the help of her faith is now coming out on top.

Starting over, I'm with Dianne only I would see if there is anything at all worth selling in his stuff and if so sell it. Let him sue you. From prison?

It seems like all this stalling in the court system for his trial is not only causing you tremendous pain, it may be endangering children in the community.

I wonder if the media might be of some help to you. Maybe they could get the court system in gear. I'm sure you don't want your children's name or yours thrown around in the media, but your husband's name will be out there anyway if he ever gets to court. Amd maybe even a threat of public oversight would get the court going.

Gee, that's probably a crazy idea, but it is just so irritating that the legal system is causing you problems when your soon to be ex is the one who is a criminal and possibly a danger to the community.

Still praying for you.
smile

There is a part of me that wanted to leave his things--kind of a 'serves him right' attitude. But there are things that are his family heirlooms that I need to return to his family. I don't know how his family is going to react to me--I haven't talked to them since this happened--I wasn't sure if he was honest with them and didn't want to break their hearts.

There is the opportunity if the judge says he gets those things to have my actions still speak with a Christ like attitude. If this is the case I will surrender the storage key (after he pays for the month's rent!)

And if the judge says I get everything then I can sell tools and lawn equipment and recoop some of my financial losses. If this is the case I will call an auctioneer to haul away and send me a check after auction.

In any case, none of the things in question are going to my new place. I don't want him to know where I have moved to. And from a spiritual point I don't want any 'thing' that might be attached to his belongings coming into my new home. Just packing his office made me sick to my stomach. I have had several people in to pray through the house but that room still bothers me.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. Please keep me covered for divorce court April 7 9am central time. Thanks all!

We make marriage vows on what we believe to be true at the time...that our new husbands will abide by what we know to be loving and supportive actions on their part as well as ours... When one or the other break those vows for whatever reason, they are just that - broken. Neither God nor Jesus ever recommended that you stay with someone who beats you, commits crimes, is abusive verbally, emotionally, or physically or who commits adultery (remember, even in biblical times, this was grounds for divorce) there is no reason to feel guilt for the dissolution legally of something which has already been dissolved.

Take back your life....and keep as much financial security as you are able - your children need this and so do you. I'm with Dianne here, let them rot. Write his parents about the family heirlooms - altho why would they intrust such valuable items to his care? - take the rest and sell them. Yes, let him sue you. Just try to be sensible, not emotional - tho I know this is hard, you can do it...

Searcher

Do you have any idea how much time he's looking at? Also, how much does your children know about his arrest? This has to be so hard on all of you.

Somehow I got the idea that he was not confined to jail. I guess he is in jail awaiting trial. Is that right?

I hope so. From your previous posts, he could be a danger to the community especially if he is desperate.

You are probably right to offer to return his family's items to them though it seems they would be in contact with you if they wanted the items. I do understand your intent to do what is right regardless of what others do around you. I'm pretty sure that's what the Scripture means "Vengeance is mind saith the Lord."

You are an example of God's love.

smile

No he is not in jail. They released him on his own recognasance (sp?) I have been told by my attorney that the word around the courthouse is that he will get 5-6 years. My understanding is that he will go straight to whatever punishment on April 21 after sentencing.

Diane, my son (nearly 21-18 at the time) knows everything--in fact my son is the one who found the child porn on his father's computer and after much agonizing called the police. I didn't know until he broke down in tears one morning and told me that they were investigating dad.

It has been awful for us all, but even more so for my son--and I can get very angry when I think about the position my husband put our son in. Turns out my son had found the child porn many years earlier while using dad's computer for a school report that was due. He knew what he saw was bad, but didn't know why he'knew' it was bad. He was simply too young and since he couldn't/wouldn't verbalize it, he internalized it for years, pushing the memory down until one day as a young adult he had to see if his father was still looking at such things. He was and my son turned his father in.

I can wish that perhaps he would have told me, perhaps things could have been handled differently, but the cold reality is that his father was breaking the law and when you know someone is breaking the law you are to report it.

I only pray that my son is not damaged because of all this. I pray the images he saw are miraculously removed from his memory. I pray that Satan never tries to accuse him/make him feel guilty for doing the right thing.

I believe at this point that his father knows who made the call and started the investigation. His dad has not tried to call him or contact him in several months. I am relieved and yet so disappointed in this man who in my mind should be calling his son and saying, "Look I made a terrible mistake, and I am going to pay the price, but I want to pass on my wisdom to you. I want to give you as you enter adulthood my blessings, etc.." I think his dad could have done so much to release my son from the responsibility of calling the police, but that would require a man of courage and there's only one man of courage in my home--and that's my son! May God continue to richly bless my boy!

Sorry all, I got emotional again.

What an honorable young man. You must be so proud of him. I don't even know him and I'm proud of him.

It must freak you out to know you were married to a man who was involved in such things. After I left my abusive ex, I did some investigating and found that he had been arrested for exposing himself to little girls. I felt like vomiting!

Dianne and Smilinize are both accurate in their comments and regarding his father, these men never think what they are doing is wrong and would never stop, escalate maybe, but stop never until discoverd. These individuals only think of themselves or else they wouldn't do the things they do and certainly never where an innocent family member could find them out.