Hmmmm.......not sure if this is the forum this belongs in.........I guess I need a forum titled "Family" but since my Mom's involved in this I decided I'd start here.
My family has hurt my feelings and I can't seem to get past it. My sis-in-law has never been the warmest person in the world, but we do okay when we are together (only during family gatherings or whatever, neither one of us would ever call the other for a fun day out or anything....not that kind of relationship!) Anyway, her son, my nephew, and his wife are expecting a baby. My SIL called to tell me there was going to be a baby shower and invites were being put into the mail, and that the shower would be a week from Sunday. It would be held at a private home which I had no idea where it was. Being a good aunt I looked online to see what they'd registered for and went out and bought the (expensive) high chair they wanted and wrapped this huge box and put a big bow on it. The invitation never came. My mom had gotten the same message and kept calling and asking "did you get your's yet?" Finally the day before the shower was supposed to be, I called my SIL. Oh yea the shower was the next day, her replys was "well I meant to call you yesterday but I didn't get around to it. And I was going to call you today but I fell asleep on the couch". Well.....that annoyed me some. She knew I didn't know where it was or have a clue as to how to get there. Ok, so I go to the shower. My SIL's best friend picked up my Mom and then they picked up my SIL so they were all riding together, I drove myself. It was in another city, about 1/2 an hour away. As soon as they were done opening gifts (they were getting ready to cut into a sheet cake) my SIL jumped up and told my mom that they were going to meet my brother and the best friend's husband at a restaurant and have dinner before they took her home. Didn't ask her if that was ok with her.....just told her this was what they'd decided. (My mom is 84). I was parked behind them and had to move my car so they could leave and decided I might as well make my exit too even though I know it looked like we all zipped out of there as soon as we could make an exit. What hurt my feelings was......they never even asked if I'd like to join them for dinner before I headed home. And my mother just got into their car and I knew she'd never say a word like "Hey how about asking Ann if she'd like to join us?" and I found out yesterday that I was right about that......she didn't open her mouth!! I'm REALLY fed up with my SIL.......first off for having to track her down to find out about the shower (turned out the invites were never mailed, that's another story, my neice-in-law or whatever you call her ended up handing out invitations herself to her own shower!!) I'm annoyed that no one could be bothered to call me. And then the way they left the shower and didn't ask if I'd like to join them.....I felt like I was invisible. I'm having a hard time getting past it too. My mother doesn't speak up to anyone but I know darned well if the situation had been reversed I'd have made sure she was included!! Now she's calling to ask me if I can take her to a couple of appointments and I'm going to end up taking her but it's hard for me to be patient with her when I'm really annoyed as heck with both her and my SIL.
Any words of wisdom to help me get past this? I know that it probably sounds petty and so not worth it. And I know my Mom is 84 and I should just forget it and move on, I would hate for something to happen to her with me feeling this way about things. But I have always always ALWAYS been there for her since my dad passed away many years ago and couldn't she have just this once spoken up for ME??!! As for my SIL, I don't see much of her, and while I thought we were getting along better than we used to, this has proven me wrong......I used to think she didn't give a darn about anything or anyone but herself and that's pretty much what I'm feeling about her now. My feelings are hurt and I have no desire to talk to or spend time with any of them right now.
Ann

Ann,
You were slighted. You felt left out and rightfully so. It was unkind and I understand you feeling this way. Let me say that people like your SIL live in their own little world and people who focus on themselves, forget that others have feelings, too. They don't stop to consider anyone outside of their own limited view. You cannot change her, and as you've said, she has been this way for a long time, so I think I would conserve my feelings when dealing with her and just KNOW that anything that involves HER would/could and WILL have a "lame" (is that the word I want?) outcome. Knowing and admitting this to yourself in advance will help your own feelings. It's like, "okay, I know she won't bother to do _____(you fill in the blank) so I'm not stressing over this. Whatever..." And so you go with the flow.

Moms are a different story. But as you said, you Mother does not confront people. Maybe your Mom was thinking, "Gee, I wish Ann would object and say Mom, why don't you ride with me, and get me out of this situation." Or maybe she is 84 and just wanted to go along for the sake of her DIL? I can tell you now that viewing what your daughter thinks and how she will react to certain situations is very, very, different than how you HAVE to view your DIL's reaction.

And lastly, Mom's do hurt our feelings. It happens. Mine has and I'm like you, I withdraw when that happens. I want time to figure out how I feel about it all, to sort it out in my mind. Don't blame you there one bit.

Now, given all of that, here is what I usually come up with. My Mom is old and doesn't realize that she's hurt my feelings. She is a good woman and would apologize immediately if she thought she had. So I focus on her good and let the rest go. I mentally send her all the love I can muster, and before long, I feel my own hurt fading away.

As far as the SIL goes, just KNOW its a temporary situation and send her good thoughts as well. You'd be surprised how this will make you feel about it all.

Try not to focus on the past. Just take it all as it comes, one day at a time. Remember, YOU are in control as to how a situation can make you feel. People can act certain ways (just like the SIL) but only YOU can REACT. They cannot get inside your head and make you feel ANY certain way. YOU do that. Make it good feelings. You won't be sorry.

Here, I'm sending you a hug and it's a special one. Because you are a special person!

****************HUG*****************

Hey everybody, Ann needs a hug. Got any extra ones?

Love and lots of it! JJ

A big hug from me, Ann.

I could not agree more with what JJ said. Yes, you were treated badly, but did you expect anything else? People are what they are, and you have no control over how they act.

As JJ said, you only have control over yourself and your reactions. Perhaps you could view it as a blessing that you have family. Love everyone to the best of your ability and let go of your hurt. It's not easy, but try to focus on what they are teaching you (how you want to be), their good parts (perhaps you SIL was a good mother to your nephew), and celebrate as much as you can about each of them.

An extra hug!

Anno

Ann, Ask yourself this question; If your LIFE was the desert and your SIL was but a grain of sand, how important to you would she be, really? Get the picture here? Now Mom thats another story, she is mom and 84 and can do no wrong and even if she did, she is entitled.

Ann, I have a 90 year old Mom who I know loves me to death. However, she says many, many things to me she would NEVER, EVER say to my SIL or to my brother. Sometimes I go home and cry. It takes me a couple of days to feel better once I think about it and realize she really didn't mean it. I am her only daughter and she knows I will ALWAYS be there for her. Sometimes I think it's just different with a daughter.

Thanks all for the kind words. I had a chat with my mom on the phone today and am feeling better. Venting here and to a couple of other friends helped. I KNOW my mom doesn't like to make waves and that's never going to change. I KNOW my SIL is completely self-centered and doubt that's going to change (maybe her becoming a grandma in the near future will have good effects!) And y'all are right.....the only person I can control in these situations is myself. Going to do my best to get past this and not let it get to me so much if it happens again in the future (although I've vowed to myself not to let myself get into this type of situation with SIL again, but we all know how stuff just happens, sometimes).
Thank you all, again!

Glad you're feeling better...isn't it wonderful to be able to vent and get it out of your system instead of letting it build up? I'm so glad we have this forum!