Wasn't sure what kind of face to put on this one because I have a lot of mixed feelings about this.

The more I read and talk to doctors lately, the more I realize that my father is working himself into an early grave.

I've known this for a while, but it wasn't until I had my physical and talked to my doctor about the family history of heart disease and explained that my father had seven bypasses at 49 three years ago, still smokes, has a lot of stress in his life, and doesn't eat the way he should (better than he did, but still not the way he should). She told me that the average length of time someone usually goes from having bypass surgery till when they will need another surgery or have another heart attack is about seven years. WIth my father smoking as much as he does (and not taking any of the medication he was suppose to and not seeing a cardiologists) she gives him four or five years. Which means in probably two years I will watch him go through the same thing again, and possibly pay for it with his life this time.

WHile I have known he needs to take care of himself, it was hard for me to push him while his mother was dying of cancer last year. I also know he won't listen to me, which hurts my feelings because it's like he doesn't care about being around anymore. He has even told me this before.

I have spoken to a psychiatrist friend who believes a family intervention is the best. This way you say what's on your mind, how his actions make you feel, how you want to help, and suggest some things, but know it is up to him. BUt aftre that, no nagging about it.

The problem with this is that there is no family. My mom and him are estranged and it wouldn't be a good idea to involve her. My brother would never stand up to my father and would never agree to help me confront my Dad on this. My father doesn't get along with his brother and doesn't really have any close friends.

I also feel like I've kind of lost my impact in the confrontation arena since I am always the one confronting him about things and he has grown to cope with my confrontation by just ignoring me. I also worry about him thinking of me taking up this role because his mother used to do it, bringing up all kinds of feelings about losing his mom.

I know I am going to have a talk with him about this and will probably tell my brother what I'm doing to see if he would like in on it or would say something to my Dad too.

Anyway, wish me luck and give me any suggestions please.

Also, for those of you who know me and my family, please do not mention this to anyone in the family. I'll be a little upset if my trust in the forum was betrayed.

Candice, I think the best thing for you to do is have a talk with your dad. I would mention it to your brother just in case he wants in.

The main reason would be to get it off your chest. I always believe we should let people know how we feel about them, especially if we are telling them we love them and want them around. That can never hurt. If you never say anything you won't know if you can make a difference.

You are in my prayers!

Maybe you could write him a long heartfelt letter. That way you can say what you want -- edit the things that come out "too strong" and re-word them. You can't take words out of your mouth back -- but you can use your delete key in a heart beat -- also, you can walk away from a letter if you get too angry or upset and wait until you've calmed down -- where face to face -- you can't do that.

Maybe you'll find that after writting the letter -- you'll feel better too. Obviously, the one concerned about your dad's health is you -- so maybe after you've vented -- it will help you "let it go" a little.

But, whatever you do -- remember that the only important thing is that you love your dad. You can't change him -- all you can do is be sure in your heart that you did everything you could do so at the time of his death -- whenever that may be -- you won't beat yourself up saying "I should have done more".

Thank you both for the advice. I was actually going to write everything out first and just read it to my Dad. I don't think he'll get it if I just read it. I agree about not being able to take anything back. But I do feel like I need to try something, one last shot, before I close the book on it and let him do whatever he wants to do.

Sounds like a plan

Candice -- if I have learned anything in my life it's that I can't fix everything -- eventually you have to set your boundaries -- just say -- ENOUGH -- I've done what I can -- or else it will suck you in and spit you out -- there comes a time where you just have to say --

Let Go -- Let God

but somehow I think you already know that

my thoughts and prayers are with you

[ May 20, 2003, 08:01 AM: Message edited by: lionspaaw ]

Sometimes the wisest most heart hitting messages come from the "mouths of babes." Are there any grandchildren who in their honest innocence can tell their grandfather what he means to them,how they want him to be there for...(from watching their soccer games to seeing them grow up to be parents)Letters,or face to face.Just a thought.

Candace--
i dont know if you have talked to your dad yet. but i'm saying a prayer for you.
dad's can be difficult.
i wish you the best.
--oleladee

My mother told me about a year ago, that if my dad ever gets to the point where she has to do total care of him, that she would place him in a nursing home, because her back wouldn't handle the lifting..(my dad is 6'3" and over 200 lbs.). But I'm not sure my dad would go along with it willingly. He is so independent and he has been falling a lot lately. So far, only bruises and scrapes, but he's 80 years old and his health is definitely getting more and more precarious. I worry that he will be a problem for her as he gets older. She loves him, but he is so stubborn! He's also extremely frugal. One year, he saved some dead grasshoppers in the refrigerator for over a year so he could use them for fishing bait. When they were removed from the refrigerator, they disintegrated when they were touched.LOL.

oleladee, thanks for thinking of me.

I did talk with my Dad this weekend, but no change. He did atleast sit there and talk to me about it rather than the usual stoic response I get. He's a grown man and it's how he wants to live and die. I told him how I felt, but the decision is his. He knows I don't like it, but he also knows I'm not going to argue with him over it all the time. I now know his reasons (though I may not understand them) and that's about all I can do for now.

Sometimes just knowing someone's reasoning sparks a little light so we can get a glimpse at what life is like for others.

I hope you are glad to have shared your feelings with your dad. I'm glad he listened and I'm sure he knows you spoke out of concern and love for him.