My dad had brain surgery which backfired. He went in the hospital with fluid on the brain, from an old war injury. He came out of surgery with solid dementia and "lived" another ten years. I spent the whole time trying to give him some sort of life. My mother declined very slowly, eventually suffering from dementia in addition to her physical pain. All of this time, I was grieving their decline. But I never stopped to think about that...or to remember to treat myself as kindly as I would have treated a grieving friend.

I hope all of you caregivers take time to recognize your grief and take care of yourselves. God bless you all. This looks like a wonderful forum.

[ January 20, 2006, 06:50 PM: Message edited by: Carol Bradley Bursack ]

Welcome to you Carol B.B. and may I offer my condolences for the sorrow you have gone through. I see you did it the best way possible by also taking care of the care giver, you. Please tell us more we have much to learn from your experience in this situation.

Hi Carol. I'm wondering if you chose your profession due to your life circumstances?

Welcome! You may want to visit the Feautred Author forum. F N Rosenstock wrote the book, Taking Care of Mom, and she is with us this month.

Welcome to Carol and all the other newbies I may have missed!
Glad you found us.

Hi to you all! This is so gratifyig to be able to communicate with people who care about improving lives - our own and others.

Yes, my book and column (which took quite a bit of convincing to get, but I eventually got the chance to prove to my employer that it would be amazingly popular) were from my personal experience. Life has taken me through many journeys. We, as boomers, have all traveled many a day. I started over, at age 56, after a divorce. I'd been out of the job market for more than 20 years. Some would say I wasn't working, but caring for my kids and seven elders - all in different stages - was the hardest work I've ever done.

Fortunately, even at my rather advanced years, I was given a chance to use my dusty, rusty library skills. After I had proven that an old babe could be a good employee, I was given the chance to write a column. The rest, as they say, is history. I've been honored by phone calls from doctors and other medical people, telling me how much the column has done for the community. Meanwhile, I've learned so much from my readers around the country and the experts I contact to help give answers.

Thank you for the warm welcome. I'm looking forward to a great relationship here. And, yes, I'm checking out all of the books and links I can, that have to do with my major concern. I'll also be checking in on others, as I have many interests. Best, Carol

Carol ,
I use to be a caregiver and now I am not because of greedy relatives, but another story I am working on . It will be in the bookstores on day. My mother is 94 years old and is now bed ridden and sleeps a good bit now with Alzheimer's . What is they call it the long goodbye . We can relate to this . Take care

Yes, the long good-bye! So many of us go through that, with agonizing grief the entire time. I know about family issues, often old issues, raising their ugly heads during these difficult times. I hear it from my readers all the time. It's not unusual, but it doesn't make it any easier. Keep taking the high road, Renee and try to detach from your relatives. Try to get some respite care for yourself through a church or a social service provider. You need to take care of yourself for your mother and for you. Bless you.

I am new to this forum, I hear alot about the pain of watching someone you love fade away,lucky for some, as you are able to care and decide what is best for your love one. YOu, can continue to live thinking about the love, support and care which you were able to provide for them. I have watched in horror, how my mother lost her sight, describing the pain, and symptom I knew so well on a daily basis, until she could no longer see. She did not need to loose her sight, nor everything she ever worked for;but more than her sight,and tangibles, she has lost the opportunity to spend the "golden years of her life"with her family and those she loves. I posted the topic of forced guardianship, and issue too horrible for anyone to want to look into it... but a reality nevertheless. My prayers for all caregivers, you not only aliviate the pain of those in need but show there are still good souls that not only care for the might "I". Maritza

"Grieving through decline" speaks volumes to me.

My Mother is 94. My Mother-in-law is 90. My husband and I are very blessed that neither mother has dementia. However, we still daily observe a physical decline and a sort of withdrawing from life due to being weaker.

My Mother is in a nursing home an hour and a half a way. We visit her once a week, or more often when she is hospitalized. My Mother-in-law has lived in our town for 2 1/2 years. We visit her every day that we aren't going out of town to visit my Mother.

For us child rearing and caring for parents has overlapped. Now that people are living longer, I guess that this is a fairly common experience for Boomers.

Really both mothers are gems. We are very fortunate that they both have beat the odds.

The hard part is knowing that the end is in sight, that there has to be some kind of decline or another, to the end of the road.

Redda, There's a good book that you might want to read ahead of time. It's call The Final Gift. You may want to check it out at Amazon.

I read it under different circumstances. Mom had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and was undergoing treatments when I read it.

The book helps you look at death as a gift and shares the best way for you to interact with your loved one while dying.

Another one is Tuesdays with Morrie, but I like the other one better. Very different books that deal with death.

Bless you for being so attentive. How old are your kids?