Don't know if this is the right place for this post, should probably be in "loss" but I didn't want to change that topic as it appears there's a healthy conversation on-going. But something Eagle said in a recent post coupled with the sudden loss of the parent of a dear friend, reminded me of the feelings I had when I lost my father. As our parents age, we begin to prepare ourselves at some level for the time when we will lose them. Yet when it happens, regardless of our age or theirs, we feel a little like orphans.

We try to rationalize and intellectualize our loss w/ the old platitudes: they lived a long life, full life, whatever....they are in a better place, yadayada....but at the emotional level we've lost mommy or daddy. The child in us mourns and hurts and aches with the loss. We should not minimize our own loss w/ rationalizations. We really need to take the time to mourn, to let ourselves feel like orphans for a bit....otherwise, the next loss seems to be even worse as we haven't allowed ourselves to deal w/ the first.

Losing my dad was one of the hardest things I've ever faced. It took me a couple of years to get to the point where it didn't hurt constantly. My heart goes out to any of you who have lost a parent, or even both. Don't be too hard on yourself, or impatient w/ yourself because you think it's taking too long to get past the grief.
Becoming an orphan, even an adult one, is a difficult, if inevitable passage, in our lives... and we must think of ourselves in a new way....a parentless child.

Hope this isn't maudlin....just realized that there are probably more than a few grown up "orphans" out there.

Amen! I lost my mom in December. I did a lot of mourning in advance of her passing (cancer). I have days and moments of pain since, but have found my writing to be a great outlet to begin celebrating good memories again.

But you're right. Not having them anymore to go to, to talk to , to ask an opinion, to share a happy moment--it's like being an adult orphan.

Unfortunately, we are all going to deal with this. It's just another season we have to go through. Thankfully, like all seasons, they change and we somehow move on.

This is still such a excruciating topic for me. As you noted, I too have been rationalizing the pain away; my standard finger-wagging at my soul is "well, everyone goes through this at some time in their lives, so you can too". But anytime I hear or read the word "orphan", the tears start pouring down my face. Being an orphan, even at 50, DOES HURT. Not as constantly anymore, but the pain is just as raw anytime I do really think about it. Maybe some of my "numbness" comes from putting so much energy into NOT thinking about it.

Thank you for mentioning this, Kathryn. It still is a such a raw agony for me. As others have said here, there is no timetable for grief, and I just have to accept that for whatever reason, it's taking me longer than expected to get through this excruciating transition into orphanhood. I DON'T LIKE IT...I want my Mommy and Daddy back!

Amen sisters! I actually look at my dad's photo on my frig and say things like "damn you daddy why aren't you here now?" And Eagle, you are right, it takes much more energy to ignore and deny something than it ever would to just go with the flow and scream or cry or grieve. Burying things takes a ton of psychic energy! Crying is much better for us and when you tell someone why, they'll usually sit down, tell you their own tale of loss and join you for a cathartic boo hoo!

I too have lost both my parents as has my husband. Actually he had a "head start" on being parentless because as an infant his father left his mother with newborn twin baby boys. When my husband's Mom died ten years ago it seemed to have hit him harder than my "dual losses" with both my parents. He had never known a father so had been receiving all his parenting from his Mom.

Each of us certainly do grieve differently - it's what makes us unique...pain is pain and loss is loss but grief is unique.

I have never felt like an orphan....I like the term "parentless child" that you used Kathryn.

I lost my Dad in 1998 and my Mom in 2000. I thought I grieved for my Dad because I cried lots and missed him terribly. However, when Mom died it hit me so terribly hard. I finally realized that I had not grieved for Daddy. I cried but didn't allow myself to grieve because Mom still was here needing care.

I was actually mad at Mom for not being able to go on after Dad died. I know she was sick, but I was not ready to be an orphan at 50. It is the weirdest feeling. You're lonely but not exactly. I finally was able to define the feeling like this, "My world tilted on its' axis when they died and it will never be the same again." That is how I feel. I just have to go on and define my new world without them.

I still cry for them, talk to them and miss them terribly. Some days are better than others. We all go through it but in different stages and at different times.

Glad you brought the subject up.
Sandpiper

Eagleheart,

So glad you are working on re-defining yourself and new life without your parents. It is one of the hardest things we do in our life, I believe.

So happy your are feeling at home with all of us. I think we are a special group of women who have cometogether. God guides all of us even when we don't realize it. This place is a godsend for me. I absolutely love it here and am building great relationships with you all.

We all help each other through the difficult times in our lives as well as share in the joys.
Glad you are here girl!

Sandpiper

Monday it was 13 years since my mom died at age 54 on vacation in Las Vegas I had one of the hardest years this year my dad died needing a heart transplant in 2001, his hert came in a week after he died . I still wonder why . My mom's death was needless and my dad's was a week too early.. The year my mom died I also was going through a divorce and lost both grandmother's with in 6 months. My life tooka dramatic change and things have not been good since I blamed my self for both of my parents deaths and I have not gotten over either one . I still know that my life would have been different if mom had not died but we continue to live with it and wonder.
We all perceive it differently but the pain and lonliness is all the same.
I got out pictures Monday night and looked at a picture of my mother that was taken 2 days before she died . She was happy and having fun and I smiled.

Two days before my dad died my Dad was at a family reunion far away in Tennesee they both were doing what they loved to do right before they died.

It's interesting that The term orphan came up as that is waht I said to my brother at my dad's funeral.
The first book that I published was Anastasia Clark's "Greiving with Poetry" and I finally knew that other's felt as I did

One of the peoms that she wrote when her dad died shortly after her mother touched me and I would like to share it . (Incidently I would highly recommend this book for anyone who has lost a parent or both parents You will relate, cry laught and finally find comfort)

My Mother Beside You Now


My mother beside you now
In some revolting bed
Of dirt and weeds
And coffin sheets

The candles
Of the firefly
Now mourning
Disbelief

Together again
On some revolting bed
Of destiny
And bygone days

SHOVELED IN
By strangers now-
The hands
Of death
Gone hunting here

In the quiet house-
The house
We once
Called Home.

Anastasia Clark, "Greiving with Poetry- a journey to the soul

I too have Anastasia's book and found it to be comforting - she manages to find the "right" words to describe the loss of a parent or really anyone in our lives.

Glad you came here to share your story with us Donette....as you can see from this thread, you are NOT alone!