I have been married for 41 years. Have had medical problems for many years. I am now starting to recover. I have a verbally abusive husband, who has told me that he can do whatever he wants with "his" money for as long as I can remember. I have been in therapy for many years, and am now turning into a "butterfly." I have an Attorney, and have just completed time with a Financial Advisor. As you can imagine, this story could go on forever. I guess my first question is......do I consider divorce or just be separated. After 41 years of marriage, my story is just to long to put on this message board.

Hi LSmith,

Welcome to the BBW Forum. Is your husband willing to put forth some effort to save your marriage and to make some changes? I think people can change, BUT only if they are willing to try hard and have God's help. If not, well then, a tiger doesn't change it's spots.

I wish you well and I'm sure you will hear from many of the wonderful women on this board.

Daisygirl

Hi LSmith!

Welcome to the forum! You will find alot of great women here who have wonderful advice to share. And some of us perhaps have lived in the same shoes so we can certainly understand.

My first thought after reading your posting is that 41 years is a long long time to invest in a marriage. There was obviously something about this man who has attracted you to stay for this long. Not to mention your wedding vows, family, love, etc etc etc.

But being verbally abusive is not the answer and sometimes people don't even know how they sound until they are told OR overheard by someone else.

I read where you said you have been in therapy......but has your husband?? If not, is he willing to go?


My mother always told me to REACT but don't OVER REACT. I take that advise alot!

Teresa

If you are legally separated and it doesn't work out, you will end up basically, paying your atty twice. First to file for separation and then again for divorce. That might be something to consider and also, most legal separations become divorces.

There is a book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship that I recommend for you. I work with battered women and trust me, verbal abuse is a form of domestic violence and it destroys your spirit. It wears you down until you're nothing but a shell.

Will he change? There have been a lot of years where he's treated you bad and it will be very hard to let him know that you won't tolerate it anymore. Do you want to put the energy and hope into this marriage and wait and see? That is something only you can decide. It's hard to begin again but not nearly as difficult as living in hell on earth.

It sounds like you've taken the right steps so far. You should be proud of yourself for that. Please know that I wish you peace.

It sounds to me, from your question, that you are undecided as to whether or not you really want a divorce. If you're considering a legal separation, please "google" and find some information about them first, then armed with that knowledge, and your desire to move forward, or backward, at least you will know what's involved.

Just from the tone in your post, however, it doesn't sound as if you are ready to leave your marriage and if that is the case, I would certainly do everything I could to save it. Having him join you in therapy, or doing his own, would be a positive step in the right direction.

You say you are turning into a butterfly and by that statement I take it that you are realizing your own WORTH and not letting this abuse dictate who you are. BRAVO! Sometimes just the act of defiance can make a spouse wake up, sit up, and take notice. But also be aware that YOU may also find that YOU don't want to stay, that YOU don't want to be abused any longer or that YOU want to spend whatever you want, whenever you want to... sometimes when we become butterflies, our own eyes are opened.

Whatever you decide, please know that I too wish for you peace.

JJ

I thank all of you for your response. I will try to further the story of 41 years of a very unhappy marriage. I was 18 and he was 21. He was going to College part time, and we decided it would be great if I worked full time so he would be able to go to College full time. He had already been in College for three years. Well, nine months and two days later we were presented with a beautiful baby girl. Yep, honeymoon baby. I still worked full time, got him thru College and we moved to Washington State from Northern California 37 years ago. I was raised that a woman did what she was told, keep her mouth shut, and don't make a fool of yourself by telling your husband your thoughts about what should be done in the marriage. I was pregnant with our second girl, but didn't know it when we moved to Washington. Pleasant surprise! I stayed home for eight years with my girls before I went back to work. We bought a beautiful home in the country 33 years ago. I worked for a hospital for 30 years before having to quit because of medical reasons and still not able to work. Inbetween these years I was always told that his money was "his" money, and my money was "my money." I no longer have "my" money, and just recently was told that he earned the money and could do with it whatever he wants. This put the last nail in the "marriage coffin." My dearest friend lost her husband (58 yrs old)unexpectdly in May, and it woke me up that I needed to get a Financial Advisor after I sat in on one of her appointments with her with her Advisor. This couple loved each other so much. My husband and I have been to three separate marriage counselors, and each time he would do a 180 for about six months, then turn back to the verbally abusive man that I now know will never change. This is what I would like to do with my marriage because we have 28 acres of beautiful property on the river in Northern Washington. It is inherited property from my husband's great grandparents and has gone down thru the family. His mother passed it on to his brother and he. I was against building on the property, but my husband decided to do it anyway, and I signed the loan papers because I didn't want to fight anymore about it. He built a beautiful "Nordstrom's Cabin" (he's an engineer, and does all his own building)without asking me about design, nothing. Then, when the family became bigger and the grandsons(4) came along he added onto the "Castle." He is retired, but works for the State of Wasington for so many months, and then can still draw retirement and pay at the same time. It really helps because my medical is paid for. My daughters know what I'm going thru, (panic attacks, medical problems, depression)and tell me if I had my husband out of my life I'd probably feel at least 95% better. All my friend's are telling me this also. What I would like to do is not divorce, or legally separate. Just sit down with him, after writing all this out with the help of my therapist and attorney, and tell him I don't want a divorce because I don't want to have to separate the property on the river. We own two acres of the property that the husband's brother signed off to us, and then shares ownership of the other 26 acres with his brother, who hasn't done a darn thing with the place. Not even pay the taxes! I want this property to stay in the family so my girl's and grandson's will have it when we are gone. I want(I keep saying I want)to tell my husband that I feel we should live apart. I know that he will move up to the "Castle" as soon as he decides to retire for good. Then, when he comes down here, he will either have to have an apartment to go to, or stay with our daughters. I don't want him in my life anymore telling me what I can and can't do. But.........I'm also afraid of being alone. But......I'm alone all the time anyway, because he travels on his job, and is at the "Castle" all the time. I want to work out some kind of way for us to share the money and the benefits and to just have him off my back. I've battled breast cancer, Melanoma, and many other times of waiting to see if the cancer was back, and there is no support or any emotions from him. I've had 17 surgeries in our marriage, and I've had to depend of other people to get me to the surgeries and back, many many other things. Thank you for reading this, if you made it thru the whole thing. I'm off to my first Pilates class! I've lost 58 lbs. and now working on the tummy. That's all there is left to get rid of. God Bless you all.

There might be a way for you to keep the property intact without your husband's help or approval. Ask an attorney. I know change is scary but you sound so miserable with this man. Even your daughters see it and approve of you leaving. Maybe the two of you could come to a legal decision together so everyone concerned is happy.

I have to agree with Diane.........filing for separation and then filing for divorce will cost you double. It's the same amount of work.

I would ask around and find a good lawyer in your area. Try to get referrals rather than finding someone in the phone book that you don't know. Having good legal representation can mean the difference of what you are setting out to do.

It may be worth pay the money for a 1 hour consultation with multi atty's just to see if there is a "good fit." You have to trust your lawyer to give you the amount of time and energy it takes to represent you. If they take your money and not give you this time, it could be financially lethal to you.

One other suggestion is to visit your courthouse. Most courtrooms are "open" to the public. If you have the time, sit in on a trial or two. See how the lawyers interact. See how they represent their clients. See how the judges respond to the lawyers. Trust me, judges KNOW these lawyers inside and out. Judges were once lawyers and worked amongst these people.

This will also give you an idea of who's "good, bad or EXCELLENT."

Good luck to you!!!

Teresa

I am sorry for what you are going through..I am into my 3rd year after may divorce (Oct 23rd)I was married for 30 years...We have 3 children and I also did the college thing...staying home with the kids and working on my degrees as I could...My ex seemed to go through a personality change around year 25 or 26...we had lost a good friend suddenly and some other couple friends were splitting...I was also feeling the sting of verbal abuse, distancing, criticism for things.
We went to counseling and when he stopped, I continued...I also saw a psychiatrist and was treated for depression..At some point, It was just "enough"...I knew I had done everything I could to save the marriage, but I felt it was one sided alot of the time...he would go for 6 months or so and then back to the "old" self.
Finally, my kids talked to me at said "kick him out"...when I realized they were seeing more than I thought and were watching how I handled this I realized I had to stand up for myself. I would rather be alone than in a relationship and lonely.
I saw several lawyers until I met one I felt was truly looking out for my best interest. It hasn't been easy and sometimes I still mourn what we used to have before things got unbearable. You reach a point where you are saving yourself, your sanity and your spirit...if I had stayed, I can't imagine what kind of shape I would be in...MY FIrst emotion was relief...I didn't have to dread his coming home, the attitude and the feeling I was less than worthy of being treated better. I hope you have the courage to do what it sounds like your heart and head are telling you to do. It's not anything you take lightly, I had 30 years invested, but the relationship was deteriorating so quickly, I physically and emotionally couldn't keep going...talk to the attorney about divorce law in WA..In Fl it is 50/50...plus the years I stayed home counted and he ended up paying me plus I was able tokeep the house...sometimes it's worth it even if you don't come out ahead...divorce is not for WHIMPS but marriage isn't either and it sounds like he's pushing you to get out of it. Good luck...I'll pray that you'll have the strength to do what you need for yourself...

LSmith, you are getting some good information, but only you can make the decision., and it sounds like a tough one.

You mention be alone and feeling lonely. I've heard several women in these fourms say that their loneliest times were when they were married. Sad, but true.

Is there a clinic where you could get a little free legal advice? You are certainly entitled to some portion of HIS money. It would be beneficial to run your situation by a lawyer in your state just so you know a little more about your options.

I applaud you for every effort you have taken, and continue to take to look out for yourself!

Also, congrats! Fifty-eight pounds is something to brag about. Keep searching. Answers may be just around the corner. God bless you and your hubby as you search for the answers to your HAPPY future.