DIY = "do it yourself"
Oh the things women go through
Wax is not your friend!
** CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I
laughed till I almost
cried as I could just see this happening!
All hair removal methods have tricked women with
their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady,
scissors, razors, Nair And now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight.
Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the
next few hours:
"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a
clump of
hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your
hand, they get
warm and you peel them apart and press them to your
leg (or wherever
else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no
fuss. How hard can it
be?
I
mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically
inclined enough to figure
this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips
facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my
genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000
degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it
tight and pull.
It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it
wasn't too bad.
I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and
maker of
smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking
on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair
fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip
across the right side of
my bikini line, covering the right half of my
*hoo-hoo* and stretching
down
to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply
and
brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY
GOSH!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to
pull off half the
strip. DARN!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!
Everything is swirly and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay
conscious...Do I hear
crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to
normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the
one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the
glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up
the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS
THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on
the toilet.
I see the hair. The hair that should be on the
strip. I touch.
I am touching wax. DARN! I run my fingers over the
most sensitive part of
my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted
hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot
is still propped up
on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I
put my foot down.
DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
*Hoo-Hoo*?? sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure
out what
to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get
the urge to poop.
My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water
melts wax!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the
bathtub, get in, immerse
the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I
can gently wipe it off,
right???
WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical
equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether
regions glued together
is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the
tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way,
doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though
I had
cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
ago to have a phone
put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed
before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good
conversation starter -
"So, my butt and hoo-hoo are glued together to the
bottom of
the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't
know any secret tricks
for
removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She
wants to know exactly
where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or
hoo-hoo?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I
give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of
the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to
scraping the wax off
with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your
girlie goodies
covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in
super hot water and
then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a
major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress
counseling for this
event. My friend is still talking with me when I
finally see my saving
grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the
excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub
some on and OH MY
GOSH!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the
dickens out of my
friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
IT WORKS!! It works!!
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she
hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to my
grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at
this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Now that's funny . Notttttttttt
Send this on to other ladies who need a good laugh
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