I have been married for 16 years to a very domineering man. I had some traumatic work related events happen and I have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. I find that I have much less tolerance for his yelling and making an enormous deal out of nothing behavior. I feel I know exactly how he will act in most situations and I try to avoid being around him at all. I don't even want to be in a car with him because it's too close a proximity. It isn't hard to not be around him because he spends all of his spare time with a male friend. We have never had a great sex life but the well completely dried up in the past few years. When the work events happened I felt I wanted compassion and love, I feel I got blamed and he became frightened once I lost my job. From the outside I have a dream life that involves working mostly with children and animals. I want to sell this farm and move to Arkansas where I can get a lot of property for little $. I really don't want him to go with me because I feel I'd just be dragging my problems along. I feel like we've played through the same problems for so many years that I hold out zero hope on his present lame attempts to think before he opens his mouth. Financially and physically it will be hard without him. I am in my 40's. We have no kids. I also look at my mother and law and think in no way do I want to wind up like her but with his temper I see myself heading that direction. What should I do?? froggy

Froggy, have you tried therapy as a couple, or alone?

Froggy, I just want to welcome you to our Boomer site. This is a great place to come to find wisdom, caring and companionship along the rough road that you're walking.

I don't have much wisdom to offer in your particular situation. Domineering men are really hard to live with...there are some of us women here who will tell you from personal experience that these kinds of men rarely change and that you deserve better than to be treated this way.

My husband is somewhat domineering, but it stems from having been a military fire chief and having to command an army of firefighters in life-threatening situations for many years. He has never been emotionally, physically or verbally abusive in any way...if he had been, I would have been gone a long time ago. Once he retired, it took him a long time to lay down that mantle of commander, but he's much more laid back and even enjoys the give-and-take of our marriage now. So he was able to change. But underneath the fire chief personna, he was a kind, caring, generous, warm-hearted person all along, so it wasn't hard to help him to let that side of him be dominant instead of the air force major side of him!

I agree with Ladybug's suggestion to open up a secret bank account and start building yourself an escape fund. Just having that little bit of control over your own life may help you to see what direction you need to go in. There are a lot of women here who have gone their own way and are revelling in it...they'll be along soon to offer their own wisdom and suggestions. In the meantime, please stay with us and let us help you through this rough patch you're in.

Thanks for the warm welcome. I meant to post this in "Marriage" so thanks for forgiving my goof. I too understand exactly where his behavior comes from. His Father totally controls his Mother to the point that she was unable to purchase baked beans for a family picnic because they were 6 cents more a can than they normally were where they shop. I guess if you put aside all of the nit picky arguments the total lack of affection is what bothers me. He is so angry at me for the independence I manage to muster, the fact that I am not the housekeeper his mother is. Initially, I missed his affection and he'd respond with things like "Leave me alone, i can sleep for one more hour" or "I am too old for this", but now the thought of him touching me makes my skin crawl. I suspect he is bipolar. We've been through marriage counselling but he just lies the whole time and won't admit things he says and does. Someone gave me the advice to treat him like a king, but I don't want to do anything for him other than the basic laundry type things- so I would have to say it is correct that I am not trying. I am thinking if I moved then we would both have time to mull over our feelings during the separation.

Froggy, it doesn't sound like a very joyful life for you, and you DESERVE to live a full and joyful life. I'm not one to lightly advocate ending a marriage, but I do advocate joy. Life is too short to spend in a miserable existence and an unhappy marriage.

There's a whole world of possibility "out there", it just makes me so sad to think of your warm affectionate self being stuck with someone who won't even let you touch him.

Your story of his father and the can of beans reminds me of an uncle who was exactly like that. He once made his wife take a pair of underwear back to the store because she had forgotten to ask his permission to buy them. He's now in a nursing home, and his wife, my aunt, is revelling in her newfound freedom. She's just like a young child, discovering a whole new world she never knew existed because she had never been allowed to do so many things...she was pretty much a prisoner in her own home. It's a joy to watch her now, but so terribly sad that she spent 50+ years living in such trepidation and emotional abuse.

Treating him like a king will only make him believe his behavior is right, which it isn't.

Have you read, The Verbally Abusive Relationship? I think it would really help you. Verbal and emotional abuse is so wrong and will destroy your spirit and soul until there is nothing but a shell left. That is not what God intended for your life. You cannot fulfill your mission in life while living like this.

Just know that I understand (oh boy, do I!) and we're all here for you.

Froggy,

Do you have any women friends for support? It's very difficult to see things as they really are without support. In my past, I've gotten support from
Friends - honest friends who will tell me I'm nuts if they need to.
A good book (such as Dianne's recomendation) - to give you an idea of what your life could be and how others have gotten out of situations like yours.
Journal your thoughts - when I was going through my divorce, journaling helped me to see reality, because usually an emotionally unhealthy man (another phrase for a--h*le)will try to get you to deny reality and to think what they want you to think. Your feelings are reality!

Froggy, I think if you do these things, you will have a better idea of what you need to do.

Daisygirl

[ October 10, 2005, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: Daisygirl ]

All I have to say is this:

If, you have gave it your best shot & it's not working...it won't.
Took my ex to counseling, funny he had no problems, just me.
Several years in therapy for me before moving on. Then the therapist handed me, her lawyers card.
Don't waste your life...sometimes they don't care about themselves let alone you.
I knew exactly where your at, the minute I read
"the thought of him touching me makes my skin crawl". Not only did it make my skin crawl, I actually threw up just thinking about it.
No kids....pick your self up and get out of there. Life is to short, so much more is waiting for you.
Run and grab ahold.

My prayer is that you find the support and strength to move forward. Don't look back.

Brenda

And get yourself a real good laptop so you can take us along with you too...we'll be there for/with you all the way...

I think you have to trust your gut, like Brenda said. If it says, "it's over" then it's over. Sometimes one little tiny action can be the straw that breaks the camels back, and when that happens, there is no turning back. You'll know when that straw is broken. Trust yourself. Better yet, trust the big guy upstairs. He hasn't steered us wrong in many a year, eh?

Our very best goes with you girlfriend, whatever you decide.

JJ