My mother-in-law, 73, has a 44 year old daughter, Robin, who has been diagnosed as a scitzophrenic for many years now...My own mother was a paranoid scitzophrenic so I know how difficult it is for them to act and behave normally. Robin, while having a mental illness, is very smart as well...she has never worked a day in her life (my mother did)...Robin lives off the government and takes them for every program she can. Robin has been using drugs in one form or another since she was 14 (according to family members) and I came along in the family 2 years ago just before Robin turned to crack. The problem boils down to this: Drug addicts lie...Mome wants to believe her and is in big time denial. Robin uses mom for money...the last car mom bought her, Robin rented for drug money and in the end it was supposedly stolen...we believe it was taken by drug dealers she owed money to. Now that several months have gone by where she's had to depend on mom for everything, she's stayed clean just enough to convince mom that she's okay enough to have another car...also her hypocondriatic behavior dictates that she continually seek some kind of attention from a doctor's appointment...she has some problems but Robin has them checking for heart problems, etc...anything to find a way to see a doctor...she's running mom ragged...so much so that mom finally broke down and bought her another car...not two weeks later Robin admitted that she is using again and is hocking her TV, microsave, window air conditoner...anything that will bring her drug money. She's stolen things from mom's home including DVD's we'd loaned mom to look at...I reported her theft to the police but the police said it didn't happen in my home and unless I could prove it was Robin there was nothing he could do.
My mother-in-law (I call her mom) refuses to acknowledge how bad her daughter is. Last year her son (my husband) and I took her to a counselor and he tried talking to her...he was an ex-addict and was trying to tell her that her daughter is a drug addict and by enabling Robin, she is helping her daughter use drugs. Mom, of course, doesn't see it that way. Robin, we believe, has been physically abusive to mom...mom gave hints to that, but she refuses to press charges...Robin comes and goes as she pleases, begs and pleads mom for money until she gets what she wants and says the reason she is the way she is is because of how mom raised her...we know a lot of this is the drug addict talking and the scitzo talking. Robin has been placed in these mental institutions for help but convinces her mom they're so terrible that she just cannot go back there...so, mom gives in because she doesn't want to feel guilty for putting her daughter in such a place. My husband and I have thrown up our hands and backed away because we know there's nothing we can do until mom decided to pull her head out from her butt and face the fact that Robin is never going to be normal or off drugs without help. Well, she's never going to be normal because of her mental illness...she refuses to take her medication for that but she'll crack up anytime she can. At least when I visit mom and Robin is around she avoids me like the plague because I've let Robin know that I will not put up with her attitude...so she hides from me...(clever as a fox, that one).
Does anyone out there have any advice or words of wisdom that might help in this situation? Robin goes to counselors, she commits herself into the hospital at the drop of a hat when she needs drugs (ambulance rides cost her nothing...she calls and they come). She gets her attention or whatever she needs and then returns home for a few days and the drama starts again. My husband and I try to stay out of it as does his other sister, but our worry is mom...at 73...going through this. Robin has us worried. Very, very worried.

My daughter and her in laws are going through something like this. I'll call this girl Shirley. Shirley has had two children out of wedlock and has dumped them on her parents. She takes off, comes home and sobers and cleans up, then she takes off again. Then she got Hepatitis C from dirty needles. Stayed home for a while and was in treatment for the illness but sick as a dog. I guess she decided she's going to die anyway so she left again and they haven't seen her.

My daughter lives across the street from this drama and has had a lot of things stolen by her sister in law. When I visited, I had to take my jewelry in my purse so she wouldn't steal it. She did steal some of my clothes.

There is nothing you can do to make Mom stop what she's doing. My daughter tried for years to get Shirley's parents to stop enabling her. There is always the worry that if they don't help, she'll get into more trouble or die somehow and they will have to live with THAT guilt the rest of their lives. It's a no win situation that you're probably going to have to back away from for your own sanity.

An enabler is as sick as an addict and possibly needs more help.

Maybe you could treat these enablers as one treats an uncooperative addict, with an intervention. I think some counselors give advice as to how to make an intervention effective.
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I will talk to my husband and his sister about an intervention for mom, but I doubt that they'll try it...they've been living with this for years and although it makes them angry and bitter, they've come to the conclusion that misery loves company...I don't think anything is going to truly happen unless Robin harmes herself or her mother...denial is a dark cloak that is hard to lift when one doesn't believe it is there...(I just made that up but it has profound meaning).

Hi Dee, I'm sorry your family and MIL is experiencing such trauma. What advice can we give in this explosive situation? Dianne said it best: "i t's a no win situation that you're probably going to have to back away from for your own sanity." I wish you lots of luck. Love and Light, Lynn

I am sorry for the pain this family is going through. Is it possible to move mom away from this? I know that seems drastic. Robin will have to bottom out and take care of herself. Her mom is my mom's age and I know sometimes that age needs taking care of. Although my mom would fight it. I would have to be very persuasive and have a good selling point. I could see me moving mom into a very small place or with myself until this settled. I would be afraid one of the types Robin is running with would follow her and harm mom. Again prayers for all this family.
Renegade

Hi renegade...sorry, no. Mom would not do that. She somehow feels responsible for Robin and is very defensive of her (not with me but voices that with her other daughter when she tries to get mom to see the light). I wonder if mom doesn't get something out of the rescuing aspect of this whole thing. Robin was born premature and I'm wondering of mom doesn't somehow feel that it's her fault and that's why she continues to rescue Robin. I don't know...it's a sad situation and at this point I'm afraid there are no simple answers. Thanks so much for your kind words and suggestions. Thanks to all who read this and offer their ideas.

I have been researching "loneliness, expecially among the elderly, for a book I might write some day and one of the things that is a factor for older people is that they no longer feel needed.

Perhaps this situation with Robin meets your MIL's need to be needed. I see that in so many older people. I think it starts with the empty nest when the kids we have worked so hard to make independent actually become independent and no longer need us for every little thing.

Being needed is also a source of power and people who have little personal power seem to need to be needed more than others. But we all need to be needed to some degree. It gives us a sense of security.
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hi smilinize...it's truly hard to know what mom's motives are...she's extremely active for her age...she still lives alone (except when Robin is under her nose)...comes and goes wherever she wants when she wants, is sharp as a tack, except for the normal forgetfullness at her age. Robin has tried to convince the rest of us that mom's getting senile...we think it's a ploy to get herself back under mom's roof...the other kids won't allow that to happen.
As an outsider I would react differently to this situation than the way my husband and his other sister do. My real mom was a paranoid scitzrophenic and often tried to pull one over my eyes to get what she wanted...a trip to the doctor usually for prescription drugs. I had to be touch with her and often had to treat her like a child. My MIL isn't that strong with Robin...she'll put up with only so much, but most of the time I think Robin more or less runs the show. I've often asked my husband why he and his sister don't confront Robin full force about what she's doing. Their response if that Robin knows she's mentally ill and has used that against them before when they tried to intervene...Robin called the police on her sister saying that her sister had gotten rough with her...I know Robin's sister (my SIL) and I know my SIL would never, ever do that and of course once she explained to the police Robin's problem, they backed off. I think they, too, are a little worried about what Robin might do...take it out on mom when they aren't there for coming to us with what's going on. I called once to an elderly abusive counselor and told her about the situation...she said unless mom is willing to speak up against Robin, there is nothing they can do.
It's frustrating knowing that Robin, mentally ill and a drug user, has so much power over my MIL. Makes me want to take my MIL by the shoulders, shake her and scream "WAKE UP". At least when I'm visiting, Robin steers clear and knows better than to open her mouth around me...she knows I will tell her off.

It sounds as if everyone should just give up on helping Robin and attempt to help your MIL. Of course it is difficult to help someone who doesn't want help. Robin sounds more sociopathic than schzophrenic. Many addicts become sociopaths as the drugs disable the functions of thier frontal lobe. Sociopaths are usually quite intelligent and they have no guilt about manipulating others in order to feed their drug habit or to benefit themselves especially financially.

I still wonder about the loneliness issue as an unconscious motivator for your MIL. Another thing I learned about loneliness is that it is based on fear. The fear of being lonely is actually more painful than being alone. Apparently it goes back to the fear of abandonment which is a normal part of the maturation of children.

Fear of loneliness can cause people to fill their every waking moment with activity in order to never be alone. That same fear can cause people to allow destructive people in their lives. Fear of being lonely is also often the motivation for people who use drugs and those who become enablers.

Fear of loneliness is temporarily calmed by the feeling of being needed which can lead to enabling. The unconscious reasoniiing is that if one is needed even if only to enable a drug user, they will never be abandonned and will never be lonely. It's an unconscious, malicous, and unreasonable motivator.

As you can tell, I am very intersted in this subject and view it as the basis for many self destructive behaviors.

Prayer is often the answer. The only real protectin from being abandonned and lonely is trust in the God who is always with us.
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