I recently found your website while looking for support/information during my divorce process. I appreciated reading the posted messages because it's good to know others are/have been in similar struggles and it made me stop feeling sorry for myself.

Here's my situation: I've been married for fifteen years and over time, my soon-2-b-x evolved from protective to overbearing to controlling. I have always earned more financially (but still considered us as equal) and I think that he tried to overcompensate for his insecurity by dictating every facet of my life. Sometimes it seemed like he would purposely shatter my self-esteem to make himself seem more important and worthy.

Realizing that I'd had enough I began divorce proceedings; he became totally irrational. Someone had posted that divorce comes down to money and property - mine certainly has. I work 60 hours a week, have a six figure income and still take care of the house and the kids. He works when he feels like it and brings in about $25k-in a good year! And no he isn't a stay-at-home dad because I pay for day care too for our 2 kids. I would love to think that he is contesting the divorce because he realizes that I'm such a wonderful, loving person but I know that it's because his gravy train is about to derail him. After supporting him for 15 years, he wants (and legally may be entitled to) alimony and/or child support. Do you think this is what women's rights had in mind?!?! Now he has stopped working altogether and refuses to move out of the house nor contribute to expenses. He is being uncooperative with the proceedings so that he can continue to live in the lap of luxury for as long as he can and try to manipulate/coerce me into stopping the divorce. He said that he will tear this family apart emotionally and financially if I continue with the divorce. He's trying to get everyone to feel sorry for him (including the kids) because his mean executive wife thinks she's gotten too good for him. I'm certainly blessed that I don't have financial worries like other divorcing women but it really hurts and frustrates me that I worked uncomplaining like a dog to provide for my family and not only am I being made to look like the bad guy but I may have to continue to support and pay my hard-earned money to this ungrateful leech.

The home environment is like psycological warfare. Unfortunately after 15years he knows my vulnerabilities and is ruthlessly manipulative. Legally there's no way to make him leave until the divorce is final and he may be able to drag it out for several months. For now I actually don't mind working so many hours. On the weekends the kids and I go anywhere just to avoid him.

Right now I'm coping but it's certainly tough. Thanks for letting me vent.

Welcome to the forum, new attitude. I am so sorry to hear of this messy divorce situation. There are several women on here who are going through or have gone through, painful divorces, too. I'm sure they will welcome you with open arms and offer any advice they can give. In the meantime, vent all you want. I've heard divorce is a sstressful as a death, to deal with. I will pray for peace for your soul, and your childrens' as well. I will also pray that your husband will grow up and put his kids first, ahead of his own bitterness.

new attitude, you need to get him out of the home anyway necessary. Claim spousal abuse if you have to. He would, bet on it. I doubt he can get alimony etc. but you'll need a letter from his past employer/employers stating that he quit for NO reason, was NOT fired. You need amunition when going to court and unfortunately lawyers can't always be trusted to tell you what you need. Now at home, do NOT cook for him, do NOT do his laundry, do NOT give him spending money, change your checking/savings account etc. Be smart and ignore him completely. The easier you make it the harder getting rid of him will be. These men turn into begging, crying, pitiful, lying jerks in front of the judge so be prepared....Arm yourself well, the facts will do the rest.

[ February 13, 2006, 08:30 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Welcome New Attitude...sounds like you have him pegged and know what has to be done.
Chatty, has gave some mighty good suggestions.
Couldn't help but laugh out loud at her statement,
"These men turn into begging, crying, pitiful, lying jerks in front of the judge so be prepared".
It's the truth waiting to come to light...no doubt.

Sorry to hear that you have joined the ranks of the soon-to-be-divorced, new attitude. As I am currently going through it myself, I can tell you that the single most important thing here is to find as aggressive an attorney as you possibly can. So many women are afraid to do that - the whole women want to be fair but men want to win thing, but it sounds like you have bypassed that stage and are feeling indignant enough about the situation to do what is necessary to make sure you don't get taken advantage of.

An important determining factor in how this will play out, as I understand it, is whether or not you live in a no-fault divorce state. In a no fault state you could fare less well because the judge often does not concern him or herself with the details, and is mainly interested in splitting assets "equitably" : a subjective concept that I have learned can mean trouble.

My suggestion is that you gather as much documentation as possible and put it away in a safe place since your spouse still resides with you. It is also important that you be able to prove that he is able-bodied and has no reason to be unemployed.

I agree with Chatty that these men often do everything they can - lie, cheat, etc. to make you look bad. So, prepare yourself for the worst, and I have a feeling you won't be disappointed. It's been a real eye-opener for me.

The best of luck to you.

Foundhervoice-atlast

New Attitude:

He may ask for spousal support, yet a major determining factor is child custody which can weigh against or offset the other. I hope you are documenting his outbursts and if at all possible, obtaining witness statements (affidavits).

Do you have some type of temporary order, and if so, has he violated it? If so, then you may have positive recourse in a Motion nature asking for relief.

God bless and good luck!

New Attitude,

I also am in the same boat, getting a divorce after 24 years. My biggest regret? When the sheriff served the serach warrant and found the child porn on his computer, I immediately changed the locks and refused to let him into the house. What I wish I had done was call a moving van and vacated the property. Why? Because he has used the house and mortgage as leverage against me for a year and a half and I still haven't gone to court. Now they are telling me April 7th. He knows I can't stand to be late on bills, knows I feel terribly guilty when obligations aren't met. He hasn't helped pay any bills because "why should he -he isn't using the house..." If I had left I might still have had to help pay the mortgage and might still have felt guilty if I couldn't make the payment, but I wouldn't have been locked in a power play about the house. Now he will be sentenced to prison on April 21 and I will be left with foreclosure, bankruptcy and (unless the judge gives me everything in his bank account-whatever there might be) nothing. 24 years and I am going to walk away with my clothes and personal items and that's it. At 49 I will have to start from scratch.

I STILL think we need a website where women can report these horrible men to protect the next woman they target.....

Starting Over,
Don't give your soon to be ex anything. Make him take it if he's to have it. But know that you have the most valuable things of all. You have your self-respect, your honor, and your freedom.

Rejoice.

smile

There is such a website. I'll get back to you on this.

http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com/


There you go!